What's Your Opinion? I need a little help.

sara1998 · #1 08-21-2007, 09:58 AM

I just found out that my 15 year old step-daughter is seeing a guy that will be 21 in December. I like the kid, but seriously, what does he want with a 15 year old? Don't answer that- I already know. He already has a 1 year old daughter. I am totally against this, but I haven't overreacted yet. I told her he was too old for her and left it at that, but it's really eating at me today. We both thought he was 19 until last night, then we got to talking about birthdays, and come to find out, he's nearly 21. I'm torn. Either I tell her he's not allowed to come over anymore, and she sneaks behind my back and sees him anyway, or I let it continue, and it'll be over in a few months. Everyone here is open minded and pretty liberal, so I'm asking opinions. My first reaction is to tell him that he's a pedophile and I'll call the cops if he comes over anymore, but that's only going to cause problems. I really dont' know what to do.

estranged4life · #2 08-21-2007, 10:05 AM

I can see the 'let it continue' route being used, but I also see the parental route of stopping it before it happens.

I say it would be best to stop it before it happens (When i was 21 i dated a 15 year old too, but when i first met her she told me she was 19 and I stupidly enough believed her), because most guys only want to date younger girls to get 'one thing', and seeing that he already has a child shows some proof to that matter.

Just my opinion of course...

kathy1 · #3 08-21-2007, 10:22 AM

i think you should break them up before it goes too far.

Sarah · #4 08-21-2007, 10:39 AM

If you honestly feel she would sneak anyway, she probably would.

When I was 14/15, I started dating a guy who was 19/20. (I say 14/15, because the relationship evolved out of platonic friendship.) Not because of sex, we were friends and had common interests - I was different from other girls my age, and he was (and is) a very mature guy. But, with that age difference, it's bound to happen at some point.

I'd say let it wear itself out, but help it along. He'll get tired of having to go through her parents to get to her and will cut it off to find someone else. I sneaked - I am a VERY skilled sneak - my parents were always oblivious as to the true nature of our relationship. It lasted the better part of 4 years.. 5 off and on.

Maybe it's a good time to talk about birth control, but explain that it's not a free pass? It's better safe than sorry, even though what you really want is for her to keep her purity. Then, she'll know exactly that you know wtf is up and you guys can have an honest discussion. Uncomfortable moments are the most remembered, no?

Good luck!

Chrislit18 · #5 08-21-2007, 10:41 AM

I really dont know what to tell you, If she respected you as a parent, if you told her to stop, and explained your reasons, it most likely would [i know if i was the daughter in that situation, and my mother told me her point of view i would at least consider it.], but if you let it continue, you never know what might happen in 'those few months'.

If I Were You, I would just tell her my point of view twards her going out with him, and that you dont mind if thier friends, but youd like their relationship to end. And tell her what 21 year old guys are like, not him specifically, just them in general. all 90% of them want is to party and 'get some'...and shes probably not like that herself, so it would be in her own interest to find someone her own age

i hope that helps. my mom would probably give the same advise

GODDESS6 · #6 08-21-2007, 10:42 AM

wowzer, this is a hard one, as a parent i totally understand where you are coming from more than 100%~ on the other hand, i met my hubby when i was 15, he is nearly 8 yrs older than me~ i have to say he NEVER crossed the line w/ me, even when i was having my own raging hormones & so woulda let him & we remained friends until i was 17 nearly 18 until we started a relationship~ & i am 39 & we are happily married & still together 21 yrs later~ i don't think we are the norm tho~

camchristo · #7 08-21-2007, 10:46 AM

Does she live with you full time or does she also spend time with her mother? I'm just asking because I'm wondering whether your say is final or if when she is at her mother's, she can do what she wants.

This is a tough call. I remember being a kid and I probably would have went behind my parent's backs. I had a boyfriend who turned 22 when I was 17. My parents let me date him, because we lied about his age for a while. My mom hated him and eventually told me he wasn't welcome at her house. That caused me to end up moving to my dad's house, where he was welcome. Looking back, I wish my parents had told me no. He was a total asshole, a cheater and a liar. I spent 4.5 years with the jerk. Guys that age with girls that young are only with them for a few reasons. Sex, obviously. But, beyond that, I think they are with younger girls because they are such losers that girls their own age want nothing to do with them, whereas, younger girls are too naive to realize the total loser aspect. They are flattered that an older man is interested.

The fact that he has a child makes it even worse, for me. How can your daughter be involved with a man who has a child? She's still a child.

So, I guess I would put a stop to it and monitor the situation as closely as possible. And I think I would consider calling the police if he continues to come around. JMO, for what it's worth!

JazmenFlowers · #8 08-21-2007, 11:16 AM

wow, this is a tough one. I lean more towards what Sarah is saying, but I also think you need to sit down and discourage it as much as possible, but don't give her any ultimatums. tell her all these things. find out why she wants to be with him. be honest. the best thing you can do is give her all the information you want her to have and do your best to make sure she trusts you and feels like she can tell you what's going on and let you be involved. if she decided to continue the relationship and it goes sour, you'll at least be a step ahead and maybe she won't end up hurt in some way. like you said, the fact that he has a child is the worst part. he has already made a stupid decision and is attached to another woman for the rest of his life. is Sara ready to be a mom to someone else's baby on the weekends? I doubt it.

sara1998 · #9 08-21-2007, 12:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sarah

Maybe it's a good time to talk about birth control, but explain that it's not a free pass? It's better safe than sorry, even though what you really want is for her to keep her purity. Then, she'll know exactly that you know wtf is up and you guys can have an honest discussion. Uncomfortable moments are the most remembered, no?

I took her to Planned Parenthood Saturday. I know she's active, because we can talk about these things. She's too scared to tell her mother. I'm glad she's smart enough to come to me. I have explained that BC and condoms are not a pass to go "f*ck everything that moves" as I put it to her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by camchristo

Does she live with you full time or does she also spend time with her mother? I'm just asking because I'm wondering whether your say is final or if when she is at her mother's, she can do what she wants.

Guys that age with girls that young are only with them for a few reasons. Sex, obviously. But, beyond that, I think they are with younger girls because they are such losers that girls their own age want nothing to do with them, whereas, younger girls are to naive to realize the total loser aspect. They are flattered that an older man is interested.

She does live with me full time. I have guardianship. Her mother is still involved with decisions however, I try to leave her out of some things because I want Sam to continue to trust me. She won't talk to her mom, but she will talk to me.
I agree with the loser aspect. I do believe that's what's going on here. She is flattered that someone older is interested. I mean, besides sex, what would a 20 year old want from a 15 year old? What do they possibly have in common? Granted, she is very mature for her age, but I think he has problems finding someone his age to be with. What really bothers me is that she's a very beautiful girl, is very intelligent, and has a lot going for her. She knows she's beautiful, but the idea that she's letting some older guy flatter her like that shows me that there's insecurities there. I wish I knew how to break them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JazmenFlowers

but don't give her any ultimatums. tell her all these things. find out why she wants to be with him. be honest. the best thing you can do is give her all the information you want her to have and do your best to make sure she trusts you and feels like she can tell you what's going on and let you be involved.

I refuse to give an ultimatum. It will backfire every time. She has a lot of trust in me. There are things I know about her that sometimes I wish I didn't know, but I'm glad she trusts me enough to tell me. I give her the best advice I know to give, and let her make her own decision. Usually, she listens and takes my advice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JazmenFlowers

the fact that he has a child is the worst part. he has already made a stupid decision and is attached to another woman for the rest of his life. is Sara ready to be a mom to someone else's baby on the weekends? I doubt it.

That's my arguement. He already has one kid. See previous loser comments...

BTFLCHLD · #10 08-21-2007, 12:59 PM

Quote:

we both thought he was 19

So, he has already lied to her as well? That and the child hopefully will be enough of a red flag that she will see clear enough past anything he may provide her with (flattered, feelings of maturity, etc) to the point of not being interested in someone who would do that. Obviously, you are in a difficult position as she trusts you and you wouldn't want that to change. However, at the same time, left to her own decision-making, she may dive-in head first. It is good you have taken her to PP...and I hope you will consider again speaking with her to provide some insight on how moving in the fastlane with someone much older than her could lead to consequences she may well not be prepared for. good luck.

skcin · #11 08-21-2007, 01:19 PM

Wow. I almost said "things were so different when we were young." But the bottom line is, they weren't.

I was not quite 16 when I started dating my almost 21 year old exBF. He was a good guy in general, never disrespected me, never pushed me for sex until I was ready. We dated for almost 3 years, and he didn't use me & leave me or anything like that. My parents thought he was 17 at first, and his age crept up slowly every few months, although I don't know if they ever realized just how much older he was. He was my first true love.

BUT. Looking back, I realize that he liked being in control. Maybe that's not the best term to use, because I've always been a very strong person, he didn't "control" me really. Yet I remember things he would say when we'd argue, and the way he'd say them - he sometimes acted as if he were an authority figure to me. He liked to think of himself as teaching me things about love & life...ew, I feel nauseous, it's so icky to me now. Like, I told him to f*ck off once, and he basically lectured me & told me "don't ever speak to me that way again!" I almost expected him to add "young lady."

Anyway, when I was 19, he proposed marriage.

Something inside my head snapped/woke up & I realized that this is NOT what I wanted for my life. The breakup was bad, really bad, we don't speak at all. Not that I care to, I've honestly grown up & out of that part of my life. But if I were a more impressionable person, someone with lower self-esteem or more self doubt, I don't know if I would have gotten away & gotten a life.

So I guess the point of my telling my personal story that nobody cares about, is to be open with her & honest about why you think this is a bad idea. I wouldn't forbid her, but I wouldn't enable either (don't let me stay at your house hours on end, day after day, don't drive her to see him, etc.) And hope & pray she's strong enough on her own to not "need" a man - whether it be this guy or another.

sara1998 · #12 08-21-2007, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BTFLCHLD

So, he has already lied to her as well? That and the child hopefully will be enough of a red flag that she will see clear enough past anything he may provide her with (flattered, feelings of maturity, etc) to the point of not being interested in someone who would do that. Obviously, you are in a difficult position as she trusts you and you wouldn't want that to change. However, at the same time, left to her own decision-making, she may dive-in head first. It is good you have taken her to PP...and I hope you will consider again speaking with her to provide some insight on how moving in the fastlane with someone much older than her could lead to consequences she may well not be prepared for. good luck.

Trust me, the talk is coming tonight. This has absolutely consumed me today, and I can't go without talking to her about it. That will be a big point I bring up is lying about the age and his child.

Quote:

Originally Posted by skcin

So I guess the point of my telling my personal story that nobody cares about, is to be open with her & honest about why you think this is a bad idea. I wouldn't forbid her, but I wouldn't enable either (don't let me stay at your house hours on end, day after day, don't drive her to see him, etc.) And hope & pray she's strong enough on her own to not "need" a man - whether it be this guy or another.

I care and thank you for sharing. I want to show her that she's smarter than this and doesn't need any man who only looks at her as a sex kitten. I'm sure that's where he's going with this. I don't think I'm going to forbid it, because that's just going to make her want to do it more. Hopefully after I'm done talking, she'll really put some thought into it, and realize why it's not a good situation to be in.

JazmenFlowers · #13 08-21-2007, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skcin

I wouldn't forbid her, but I wouldn't enable either (don't let me stay at your house hours on end, day after day, don't drive her to see him, etc.) And hope & pray she's strong enough on her own to not "need" a man - whether it be this guy or another.

this is exactly what I was trying to say.

Sahara · #14 08-21-2007, 02:23 PM

I have no idea what to say to you on this. I'm 17 and I know I would be so flattered if an older guy was interested, though I'm not sure what I would do about it...

I'll say a prayer for you, I hope you come to a decision that both you and your daughter can live happily with

estranged4life · #15 08-21-2007, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GODDESS6

i have to say he NEVER crossed the line w/ me, even when i was having my own raging hormones & so woulda let him & we remained friends until i was 17 nearly 18 until we started a relationship~ & i am 39 & we are happily married & still together 21 yrs later~ i don't think we are the norm tho~

with your post...

When I was 17 I met Christy (aka fellow ledgie 'nickay', Who was 15 at the time) and I never tried to cross that line with her to get that 'one thing' that some 'assumed' that was ALL I was wanting from her - The 'one thing' I wanted from her was simply her love (Even when my hormones were raging as were hers).