Forgive me...

[GateandGarden]

...'cause I'm about to wax philosophical and then expect the rest of you to do the same but much better.

Do you think it's possible that some people are happier if they go through life without being close to any other human being? If a friend told you that he or she felt that way, would you have a hard time believing it? Basically, I have an ex-friend who thinks that love, particularly the unconditional kind (must resist urge to allow Stevie's "Unconditional Love" to go through my head) is a joke. This person prefers to be alone, and I don't mean just without a romantic partner but a very close friend as well. This person doesn't really want to share anything significant with anyone else. She doesn't want to talk about much more than work and such with other human beings. I've always found these declarations hard to take. Am I the only one who feels that we all need someone to confide in? How do y'all feel about this? Do you suppose that to assume that this person (or anyone else) does need more human contact is an example of me pushing my beliefs about what a person needs onto someone else? Do I only feel the way I do because I know I need more than that?

[amber]

I think most people are happier with someone to confide in. If they say they are not, I tend to think there is something else going on. However, I do understand it, a bit. But maybe some people just don't have those emotional depths, or whatever, that make most people need closer contact with others. I prefer my own company quite a bit, but mainly because most people I meet don't really "do it" for me. But I love spending tons of time with those people that do do it for me. Not that you asked.
I think your friend may have a really strong defense mechanism, it is hard to believe that she feels that way. But maybe she's just blank and shallow???

[The Tower]

I'll bite.

People who have been seriously hurt or betrayed by those they really cared about can act this way. Even though they may want to be close to people on the inside, they won't let it happen because they know they'll get burnt.

I personally have met very, very few people that support the concept of "unconditional love". People may talk the talk, but when the **** hits the fan they rarely walk the walk.

[GateandGarden]

Originally Posted by amber

I think your friend may have a really strong defense mechanism, it is hard to believe that she feels that way. But maybe she's just blank and shallow???

Personally, I think it's the first one. She's definitely not blank and shallow. She makes me look that way, though. Have you ever read one of my posts? Blank and shallow are good words for them! (No, I'm just being a little silly and demeaning to myself for the moment). Anyway...

[bretonbanquet]

Wow, heavy!

Initially, I would have to agree with your friend. My views on love are not what you would call conventional, i.e. that there's no such thing. Without going into my entire philosophy regarding interaction with other humans, I'd say that the individual's perception of love (particularly unconditional love) is largely skewed by the common perception. In other words, we feel what we sense we are supposed to feel.

I also prefer to be alone - being alone is almost always preferable to being with someone else, and that's not to say I dislike human contact. I just don't feel I get much out of it. Being alone is usually more productive for me, mentally and emotionally. I don't need to share anything with anyone, and I don't want to confide in anyone. That said, I differ from your friend in that I will always talk to people about anything they want to talk about, and I'll always help someone out if I can by being a shoulder to cry on, or just a sounding board for someone's ideas. I'll happily listen to someone's inner problems, providing they don't expect me to share mine. That makes relationships practically impossible though, as girlfriends tend to see a refusal to confide deeply in them as emotional immaturity or something.

However, far from you being the only one to feel that this is strange or unusual, I believe your outlook is of course the common one. Most people want at least one other person to share things with, often several people. It's not a weakness or anything like that - it's the opposite really. People are just different.

I don't expect many people to agree with me, and I might add that I don't really come across as someone who doesn't need anyone. My friends just know not to expect me to open up.

Interesting thread though!

[GateandGarden]

Originally Posted by The Tower

I'll bite.

People who have been seriously hurt or betrayed by those they really cared about can act this way. Even though they may want to be close to people on the inside, they won't let it happen because they know they'll get burnt.

I think that's true, but sometimes I wonder if I feel that way about this particular person because it's just too hard for me grasp the concept that some people simply do want to be alone and that's that. Granted, this person has been betrayed immensely, to say the least.

I personally have met very, very few people that support the concept of "unconditional love". People may talk the talk, but when the **** hits the fan they rarely walk the walk.

I'm one of like, two that I've met who really believes in that concept. Now, do I believe in the Stevie song? No. I think it's an awful song.

[GateandGarden]

Originally Posted by bretonbanquet

Wow, heavy!

Initially, I would have to agree with your friend. My views on love are not what you would call conventional, i.e. that there's no such thing. Without going into my entire philosophy regarding interaction with other humans, I'd say that the individual's perception of love (particularly unconditional love) is largely skewed by the common perception. In other words, we feel what we sense we are supposed to feel.

I also prefer to be alone - being alone is almost always preferable to being with someone else, and that's not to say I dislike human contact. I just don't feel I get much out of it. Being alone is usually more productive for me, mentally and emotionally. I don't need to share anything with anyone, and I don't want to confide in anyone. That said, I differ from your friend in that I will always talk to people about anything they want to talk about, and I'll always help someone out if I can by being a shoulder to cry on, or just a sounding board for someone's ideas. I'll happily listen to someone's inner problems, providing they don't expect me to share mine. That makes relationships practically impossible though, as girlfriends tend to see a refusal to confide deeply in them as emotional immaturity or something.

However, far from you being the only one to feel that this is strange or unusual, I believe your outlook is of course the common one. Most people want at least one other person to share things with, often several people. It's not a weakness or anything like that - it's the opposite really. People are just different.

I don't expect many people to agree with me, and I might add that I don't really come across as someone who doesn't need anyone. My friends just know not to expect me to open up.

Interesting thread though!

Thanks for explaining, and for the whole post, in a general sense.

[SuzeQuze]

Originally Posted by The Tower

I'll bite.

People who have been seriously hurt or betrayed by those they really cared about can act this way. Even though they may want to be close to people on the inside, they won't let it happen because they know they'll get burnt.

I personally have met very, very few people that support the concept of "unconditional love". People may talk the talk, but when the **** hits the fan they rarely walk the walk.

This is true. Or they suffered severe loss. My Dad doesn't seek out relationships but he lost his dad when he was 12, then his favorite uncle, then his best friend in a span of a few years. That's what did it for him.

Everyone needs human contact. Some people manage to learn to cope without it but are they happy? Nope. They don't know what it is to be happy.

[bretonbanquet]

Originally Posted by SuzeQuze

Everyone needs human contact. Some people manage to learn to cope without it but are they happy? Nope. They don't know what it is to be happy.

I couldn't agree less I'm happier than I've been since I was little - it's about knowing how to be fulfilled, and not everyone can find fulfilment in the same thing, in this case other people.

[GateandGarden]

Originally Posted by bretonbanquet

I couldn't agree less I'm happier than I've been since I was little - it's about knowing how to be fulfilled, and not everyone can find fulfilment in the same thing, in this case other people.

If this doesn't get too personal...I wanted to ask you what you do find more fulfillment in than contact with other people. Music? Books? I'm just curious. (And I do love music and books, so they were the first things that can to my mind).

[bretonbanquet]

Originally Posted by GateandGarden

If this doesn't get too personal...I wanted to ask you what you do find more fulfillment in than contact with other people. Music? Books? I'm just curious. (And I do love music and books, so they were the first things that can to my mind).

Certainly music and books, they play a big part in my life. Also I'm a big nature lover, I like to go out into the middle of nowhere and think, and watch whatever animals and birds are out there. I find I have to reserve time to do that because I can get stressed and a bit irritable otherwise - some people drink or smoke, but I just go for a walk! Much cheaper too

[GateandGarden]

Originally Posted by bretonbanquet

Certainly music and books, they play a big part in my life. Also I'm a big nature lover, I like to go out into the middle of nowhere and think, and watch whatever animals and birds are out there. I find I have to reserve time to do that because I can get stressed and a bit irritable otherwise - some people drink or smoke, but I just go for a walk! Much cheaper too

I have an ongoing nature walk fantasy that involves me enjoying natural scenery, especially various bodies of water, with the woman of my dreams holding my hand. So, I'm sure I was with ya until I mentioned the woman of my dreams part. I'm a hopeless romantic, though. It sets me up for disappointment.

[amber]

Originally Posted by bretonbanquet

Certainly music and books, they play a big part in my life. Also I'm a big nature lover, I like to go out into the middle of nowhere and think, and watch whatever animals and birds are out there. I find I have to reserve time to do that because I can get stressed and a bit irritable otherwise - some people drink or smoke, but I just go for a walk! Much cheaper too

Me, too. excercise, too. But, also, I drink and smoke... Though not drink much.

[GateandGarden]

Originally Posted by amber

Me, too. excercise, too. But, also, I drink and smoke... Though not drink much.

I really want a drink right now. Would someone like to buy me a virtual Sangria?

[The Tower]

Originally Posted by SuzeQuze

This is true. Or they suffered severe loss. My Dad doesn't seek out relationships but he lost his dad when he was 12, then his favorite uncle, then his best friend in a span of a few years. That's what did it for him.

Everyone needs human contact. Some people manage to learn to cope without it but are they happy? Nope. They don't know what it is to be happy.

What is that saying?- "All the water in all the oceans can't fill a bucket with a hole in it"

My dad's father committed suicide when my dad was 18. He never, ever got over it and still has not come to terms with it to this day at the age of 72. My mom's dad withheld demonstrative, physical affection from my mom and it ruined her ability to readily dole out affection. Are they happy? Eh, probably not "HAPPY!!!", but they're as good as they're gonna get.

As for me, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. 2004 was the best year I've ever had and 2005 is topping that. Can I forgive those that betrayed/neglected me? Maybe. Will I ever forget it? Never. Will I ever let it happen again? You can bet your ass I will do everything in my power to prevent people from hurting me- even if that means shutting people out. My happiness has been hard-won and no one is gonna take it from me.