It Gets Better

[Zombie]

Originally Posted by louielouie2000

I actually just had a similar conversation with a friend of mine recently. She was talking about how grating it is that people constantly tell her she needs to eat more, that's she's too skinny, etc. She thinks it's reverse discrimination... that she should be able to turn around and say to that person "you're too overweight, you need to eat less" etc. She's absolutely right... why is it ok to tell someone they're skinny and should eat more, but it's not ok to tell somebody they're overweight and should cut out the burgers? Either way you're commenting on somebody's body, and letting it be known you're not pleased with what you see.

Back on topic, body image was only partially what I was referencing in regards to gay men treating each other poorly. Fashion is a huge deal too (as it is for women too, no doubt). Gays can be downright vicious to each other about what other folks wear, their hairstyle, the cars they drive, where they live, and other inane crap like that. It's exhausting. It just seems like the dumbest thing in the world to be cruel about, especially since the majority of the world already hates us gay folk. Why splinter ourselves even more? LGBTQ folk should really focus more on unification and taking care of one another vs turning that same hate on ourselves. Moral is: appreciate variety... that's what keeps life interesting!

The tricky problem with the "reverse discrimination" idea your friend has is that being thin comes with inherent privilege that the overweight among us do not benefit from, and when a thin person says, "Well, I get concern-trolled, too, so my experience is just as valid as yours," they're wrong. This is not to say that thin people don't get hurt when someone tells them they're too skinny and they need to eat a sandwich, because it is not right that ANYONE be body-shamed, but, in general, thin folks don't experience the world the same way fat people do - a thin person can usually walk into any ol' regular clothing store and find many things that will fit, they are not overlooked for jobs due to weight, etc, etc. We each have to be aware of what privilege we may be benefitting from and use that to examine our experiences appropriately.

I say this because this question of privilege plays heavily into other areas of our lives, from discrimination due to race to discrimination due to sexual orientation to discrimination due to religion. And THAT is not to say that the struggle of the overweight is in any way as "serious" as people that experience racism or homophobia, but privilege plays a role in much the same way. So, that's why when I pointed out earlier that as a heterosexual, cisgendered woman that did experience harassment and bullying due to my general "weirdness" back in school, I STILL can't say that my experience is comparable to the harassment and bullying that GLBTIQ kids experience. Because it's just not. I have the inherent privilege of being heterosexual and cisgendered, which prevents me from being treated the same way. I was targeted as an individual, not a member of a larger community that has to deal with things that are both far more serious and directly impact the quality of life for that group as a whole.

All of that was just a long-winded way of saying - we ALL experience bad shizz in our lives at some point or another, but we experience it to different degrees and in different ways, and we must all work to be aware of our respective privilege. If I were to say that my high school experience is exactly like the high school experience of, say, a transgendered teen in rural Idaho, I'd be minimalizing and trivializing not only that particular teen's struggle, but that of the LGBTIQ community's struggle in general, as well.

Anyhoodle, I see what you are saying about the way some gay males treat others, and I did not think you were referring only to body image - I just used that as an example when relating my own observation. I am curious to hear your thoughts on why gay males engage in that kind of behavior, though. I know that women can behave much the same way, and I believe a lot of it has to do with the way we're taught to view ourselves through an objectifying, heterosexual, cisgendered male lens. I wonder if this behavior in gay males stems at least partly from that same source.

Originally Posted by Kena

To Zombie and others who spoke about bisexuality...

This thread really struck a cord with me, in a good "I need to share" type of way. First off let me say I have a way of sticking my foot in my mouth sometimes so please forgive me if I don't explain something correctly or I don't use a term in a people first way. I really really have all good intentions. This topic is something I have really needed to talk about because I have no one around here that understands this...

I had always dated men up until a year ago when I met a special lady. I knew she was open about being a lesbian but she was also very cute and neat and smart and I liked her from the start. Through her I got introduced to a lesbian community, not just an occasional friend or coworker here and there who was gay, or people I met at clubs... This was a small group of ladies who were professional and around my age (30 and up). Little did I know that it was some sort of special club and I wasn't ever going to be in it because I "liked the penis" and "just wanted a man's protrusion" and I "was a breeder" because I have kids and I was just going to run back to men and I could never fully love a woman. It was awful especially because I have always been best friends with girls and am used to being close to women. I have never been kicked to the curb and felt so betrayed by a group of people, especially women!

My girl, the poet in my heart (bet you can't guess her name )stayed by my side and we did our own thing. She liked my kids. She and I had similar interests. We shared clothes, bought each other candles and scarf’s. I lurved this girl. Very much so. It was all very very precious to me until one day it was bad. Like throwing things and hitting each other bad. I finally had to break up with her and then it's "told ya she liked the penis and his protrusion.” Again, awful.

So what’s the moral of the story? I’m not exactly sure. Dating a lady seemed very natural to me and I did have a moment of “ah ha, maybe this is what my deal is with men and why I can’t find a man to date or that I want to be with.” It doesn't make me want to say I'm done with men though. Soooo does that make me bisexual? I guess if you have to label it. To me, it makes it seem like I'm just like a cat in the dark looking for action from anyone....see, that's not a good thing to say, but that's my hang up on things, my own frame of mind about something that I once knew nothing about but now have experienced. I am not ruling an entire gender out. I'm open, not open for business, just open to getting to know different people.

It's all very confusing and I appreciate all of you that have shared your own stories of frustration and confusion. I think the It Gets Better project is a wonderful thing. Based on my own experience I can only imagine how confused younger people are. I feel for a teenager who thinks taking their own life is the only answer. It hurts my heart.

Thanks for sharing your story and experiences, cookie. I can almost hear your frustration and confusion through the screen here, and I'd give you a hug if I could. I am not sure if this will help you work through your "does that make me bisexual?" confusion or not, but I do not think we have to look at sexuality as a binary (gay or straight and that's that) or even a ternary (gay, straight, or bisexual, and that's that), but a more fluid spectrum of sexual orientation.

The binary or ternary view automatically excludes a ton of different people - for example, it doesn't make room for the asexual or the intersexed. And it doesn't allow for the person that doesn't feel or identify as homosexual, but meets one "special" same-sex person and falls in love (or lust) just that one time. So it doesn't have to be a "one or the other" situation - you can fall anywhere on the spectrum, and where you fall is just where you fall, and that's that.

Does that make sense? For example, I identify as straight, but back in the day, I did have a relationship with another girl. She was the first woman I had ever wanted to do that with and the last - I haven't met another chick that I would want to have sex with. That doesn't make me a lesbian or bisexual if I don't sincerely feel like I'm a lesbian or bisexual - it just makes me a straight chick that got it on with a girl once. And I'm reminded of something Margaret Cho once said about that one time she had sex with a woman on a lesbian cruise and then got all confused about whether she's gay or not - "But then I realized, I'm not gay...I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?"