male and female identities

[suzyvermoesen]

mylittledemon; in my case it's a bit similar but different also.
When i was a child, most women/mothers stayed at home to take care of their husband and children and look after the house.
Growing up, i saw more and more women choosing for a career (and financial independency).Emancipation was in full swing and most of my girlfriends
left their parents' house to either go live with their boy friends or to rent a flat on their own. I moved out when i turned 21 and never really regretted it.
I liked living on my own, enjoyd my hobbies such as film, usic,reading,sowing my own clothes and dancing. I met the love of my life when i was 36
and eventually married him when i was 40.
At first i truly enjoyed taking care of all my husband's needs.
I cleaned,cooked,shopped,did laundry,ironing,managed our finances etc..
In short, i did everything my mother had done plus i had a fulltime job as well. So after a few years i started feeling that somewhere along the line
i had "lost" myself. I hardly ever read a book anymore or managed any other hobbies that i used to enjoy (except for going to the movies which my
husband also loves). It just seemed that i never had any time left for myself. In the meantime i have switched to a part-time job (i now work 4 days
instead of 5) and have made several attempts over the years to find/make time for my hobbies with varying success. This year i promised myself
to read at least half an hour every day and take more time out for myself. My husband helps with the ironing and cleaning, but i still feel that women are
better suited to "keep house" than men. (some exceptions excluded ofcourse) And, when i see my husband ironing his jeans, i do feel a twitch of guilt,
i just cannot help it (but trust me, i do resist it ). So my problem as a woman is that one part of me wants to take care of everything like my mother and her mother before her did, and the other part of me wants to be free of all those duties and there is also a small part of me that just wants to be taken care of,like in the old Gregory Peck movies.
Maybe it's because i grew up in changing times, maybe i'm too self centered (something my dad said to me once and it stuck ofcourse) I don't know . For me too, finding a balance is not easy... (does all this make any sense ? )