Marriage/relationships

[TwistedGypsy]

Jason!! OMG I LOVE your new sig! One of the best ones so far! Sort of goes with this topic too.

[amber]

Originally Posted by jannieC

I have issues with this. Not issues with you pointing it out, but issues with wondering whether that's really true or not. Sometimes I really do wonder. You can only sustain that crazy passion for so long and then truthfully, it ("it" being sex) becomes different. But while it's not ever going to be as good as it was in the beginning, it's good in different ways. I can't imagine being in the thrall of a new relationship...permanently. I would be sick to my stomach and never sleep or eat!

I didn't mean all new passion, all the time. I was speaking of married people who "never" have sex. Or even rarely. For long periods of time. Yet they live together. *shudder*. It's fine if Mr. and Mrs. Asexual get married, and they're totally happy and in agreement. And neither of them wants to sleep with someone else.
Obviously, that is just one aspect I mentioned that I find distasteful.

I can imagine being in the thrall of a new relationship permanently. I mean, it doesn't happen, but I can imagine it being really cool if it did. I think my stomach would feel fine, though, and I could sleep and eat.
If you were really that sickly, no, it wouldn't be cool.

[GODDESS6]

Originally Posted by amber

I didn't mean all new passion, all the time. I was speaking of married people who "never" have sex. Or even rarely. For long periods of time. Yet they live together. *shudder*. It's fine if Mr. and Mrs. Asexual get married, and they're totally happy and in agreement. And neither of them wants to sleep with someone else.
Obviously, that is just one aspect I mentioned that I find distasteful.

i do daycare for a couple like this, except the not sleep w/ someone else part, they have 2 kids ages 7 & almost 5~ they got married becuz of being preggers w/ the 1st child & i guess all was good so far, but the wife admittedly got preggers again, while telling her hubby that she was using birthcontrol~ they are still married & like *sleep* together, i mean *sleep* not be intimate at all~ he won't touch her ever since she got pregnant w/ their 5 yr old son~ not even a kiss, he tells her she trapped him & has had numerous physical affairs that she knows about & is constantly online w/ women, trying to meet w/ them~ matter of fact right now he is on a *vaca* while his wife is home here~ they never talk of divorce, they do talk of continuing to be together, it is all so strange to me, to be living like that~ i can't imagine ~ the wife says she loves him & won't leave & even went as far as to ask her hubby if he was gay, becuz he hadn't touched her in like 5 yrs, but then she knows the people he cheated w/ were women, so deep down she knows he isn't~ i just listen to her, shake my head deep inside myself & say a little prayer, whata mess~

[JazmenFlowers]

Originally Posted by TwistedGypsy

Jason!! OMG I LOVE your new sig! One of the best ones so far! Sort of goes with this topic too.

thank you! I think it came out sort of how I imagined too. it's just a placeholder while I work on another one.

[BlackWidow]

Originally Posted by amber

Um. I think the reasons mentioned are pretty much it. But I also don't think people are meant to be monogomous. Some people like it, but mostly it's hard.
Because once you've heard everything your signifigant other has to say, and you guys totally take each other for granted and don't pay attention to each other and treat everyone else as if they are more interesting than the person you are with - well, that is so boring. Then, you stop having sex hardly at all, which is the worst.

I don't think it is as strange that marriages don't last now as I think it's strange that some still do. There are many soul crushing aspects of marriage, IMO. You really have to be a special couple to have your lives remain interesting with each other. And if someone thinks you are boring, and if you think they are - and you try but can find no real enthusiasm or passion with them - why should you stay married? You can only try as hard as you can. And you certainly can't totally change the way you feel. It's just cruel to each other to stay married if neither of you likes it.

As a matter of fact, I think marriage is a pretty outdated concept. It's either been tied to religion or to blend property and both, usually. I mean, I don't need to be joined under "God" to validate me staying with someone. I can make a commitment without that. And I think it royally sucks that I would have to get married for the other person and I to get tax breaks.
Obviously I think you should do all you feel like doing to keep your relationship strong and vital. I just think it is bad to settle for less for years and years. Rough spots should be a time to grow to better spots.

You are very wise...

[skcin]

Originally Posted by amber

Um. I think the reasons mentioned are pretty much it. But I also don't think people are meant to be monogomous. Some people like it, but mostly it's hard.
Because once you've heard everything your signifigant other has to say, and you guys totally take each other for granted and don't pay attention to each other and treat everyone else as if they are more interesting than the person you are with - well, that is so boring. Then, you stop having sex hardly at all, which is the worst.

I don't think it is as strange that marriages don't last now as I think it's strange that some still do. There are many soul crushing aspects of marriage, IMO. You really have to be a special couple to have your lives remain interesting with each other. And if someone thinks you are boring, and if you think they are - and you try but can find no real enthusiasm or passion with them - why should you stay married? You can only try as hard as you can. And you certainly can't totally change the way you feel. It's just cruel to each other to stay married if neither of you likes it.

As a matter of fact, I think marriage is a pretty outdated concept. It's either been tied to religion or to blend property and both, usually. I mean, I don't need to be joined under "God" to validate me staying with someone. I can make a commitment without that. And I think it royally sucks that I would have to get married for the other person and I to get tax breaks.
Obviously I think you should do all you feel like doing to keep your relationship strong and vital. I just think it is bad to settle for less for years and years. Rough spots should be a time to grow to better spots.

Well, I don't think there's anything abnormal about being married. BUT I agree that people seem to assume it's something they HAVE to do, whether it be for religious reasons or whatever. And it's not something everyone has to do, or should do.

I think that's why we waited 10 years to get married, and why we made it extra special & private & unique & beautiful, not some huge extravagant "yoohoo! look at me!" thing. We didn't want to do it for our families, or for financial reasons, or because a church said we had to. We did it for US, to celebrate our relationship & our love together.

And I personally try not to take him (or us) for granted, but I agree that many people do that. It all becomes routine, run of the mill, and can get boring. You just can't allow that to happen.

[amber]

Originally Posted by GODDESS6

i do daycare for a couple like this, except the not sleep w/ someone else part, they have 2 kids ages 7 & almost 5~ they got married becuz of being preggers w/ the 1st child & i guess all was good so far, but the wife admittedly got preggers again, while telling her hubby that she was using birthcontrol~ they are still married & like *sleep* together, i mean *sleep* not be intimate at all~ he won't touch her ever since she got pregnant w/ their 5 yr old son~ not even a kiss, he tells her she trapped him & has had numerous physical affairs that she knows about & is constantly online w/ women, trying to meet w/ them~ matter of fact right now he is on a *vaca* while his wife is home here~ they never talk of divorce, they do talk of continuing to be together, it is all so strange to me, to be living like that~ i can't imagine ~ the wife says she loves him & won't leave & even went as far as to ask her hubby if he was gay, becuz he hadn't touched her in like 5 yrs, but then she knows the people he cheated w/ were women, so deep down she knows he isn't~ i just listen to her, shake my head deep inside myself & say a little prayer, whata mess~

Thanks for a fine, cautionary example of one of my worst nightmares. Seriously, that is massive suckage.

[skcin]

Originally Posted by amber

Thanks for a fine, cautionary example of one of my worst nightmares. Seriously, that is massive suckage.

Yeah, that's really bad.

[amber]

Originally Posted by skcin

Yeah, that's really bad.

I would be so out of there. I wouldn't have had kids. And I wouldn't have had two kids. And he'd have so eaten my dust the first time he ever said anything like that.
Are there any more ways for me to say how much that I would never allow anything in that story into my life?

[skcin]

^ No, you about covered it.

It's sad that she's allowed herself to become so dependent on him. Her self esteem must be nil.

I had a friend in high school like that - she wanted this guy so badly, even though he was no prize. It became an obsession. So they hooked up one drunken night & kind of sort of started dating, even though he would bad mouth her to his friends.

He broke up with her, but not before she got knocked up (I love that phrase, I use it all the time.) So they stayed together "for the baby" that he never wanted. They split up several more times, but she managed to get pregnant 2 more times to "keep him." Now, at age 32, she's a single mom of 3 young girls living back home with her parents. Yeah, she planned that one out really well. I know it takes two to get preg, but she always claimed she was on BC. Guy was an idiot.

I don't really feel sorry for her - she made her bed. But the kids - I hope they never find out that they were basically pawns in this relationship. And I hope she really loves & cares for them.

[amber]

I wonder about what goes through chick's minds when they think that not only will a guy be stoked to take care of/support kids of his by a person he doesn't want to be with, but that if you have his kids, suddenly he'll love and want to be with you.
Seriously. Who invented that? Someone lame, for sure. So now you have these kids of a guy that doesn't even like you. Great.

[sparky]

There are so many reasons that relationships and marriages are short term these days. I could write a thesis but will just go over what I consider to be the basics.

1. We live in a gimme it now society. Hard work is not valued as it once was. There is no patience. Attention spans are short. The culprits are technology, the media, and the way basic human nature interacts with both.

2. Most people under 40 were brought up in a culture where divorce was the norm. Divorce is not seen as a failure or the result of a bad decision. It's just one more event.

3. Relationships are not taken seriously. Because the concept of long term is not built in, they are seen as disposable. Everything is a test run. Nothing is for keeps. Thus, less emotional investment, thus more breakups. Vicious cycle.

4. There has been basic breakdown in traditional male/female roles and relationships, and there is no standard to take its place. I am not going to say that feminism is a bad thing, because I don't think it is. However, I think at it's extreme in the 70's it created a mindset that women don't need men AT ALL. And the result is a lot of people who are left to fend for themselves and decide what they are supposed to do. A decision most are not equipped to make. You have a lot of women raised to think like stereotypical men, and a lot of men who don't know what the hell to do. I am not saying that traditional roles were great, just that without any at all, people are left to their own devices. Those devices are sketchy at best.

Personally, I tend to agree with Amber, in that I am not sure that biologically and psychologically, humans are wired to be in one relationship forever. Which is why it is such a struggle. We like to think that we accept that it is hard work, but few do. We aren't taught conflict resolution and how to communicate and then wonder why we fight with our mates and can't make up. Monogamy doesn't seem to be a natural state for most people. And then we wonder why so many, mostly men, consider marriage to be a straitjacket.

In my own life, I am still not sure where I fit in all of this. I like to consider myself open to options. God knows, I am so happy on my own that I don't accept guys that are glaringly wrong. And I am so content, I don't know how hard I will ever look for a relationship again. It'll be an accident if it ever happens. So, my own cycle may make that decision for me.

[skcin]

^ What's cool is that you guys are so comfortable with yourselves and happy in your lives, you may not ever feel the need for a long term relationship that will last until you die. You're not saying "well, gettin' older, I'd better find someone (ie - anyone) to settle down with..." And thank God for that - why should you? You'd probably just end up a statistic for doing it for the wrong reasons.

[jannieC]

I'm not all pro-marriage (well, I'm pro-MY marriage, but I really don't care what other people do)) but I think when you bring children into the picture, it's pretty important to show your children that you are committed to their other parent.

[foxyluva]

I was just thinking about this thread, and I realsied I have not been in a relationship since I was 16 - almost 4 years ago and that was with a girl!

I need to get me a man