If your not interested in my problems, please stay away from this thread! :)

[jaycee]

Here comes another stream of consciousness... and if it's any excuse, I'm drunk... although I only did it tonight because I wanted to, not because I depend on it (dependence on alcohol seems rather silly to me - alcohol's just something to enjoy every now and then).
Btw I'm listening to Tusk - it seems perfect for this moment in time.
It's funny - in the past I've often made a point of not talking about anything that's been worrying me. After all, everyone else has their own problems to worry about, and they hardly need mine too! But lately I've been whining more than usual, mostly to friends (I don't want my parents to know about my affairs in particular, to be honest).
At university I'm only doing two units, which is basically part time. And yet I still seem to be having trouble with those subjects - my physics experiment reports are due in the day after they're done, and I have one overdue by a month! Last semester I'd be able to hand them in at most a day late, but this semester I've been hopeless at writing them. My maths subject has suffered as a result of worrying about these reports - I've only handed in one half of one assignment out of five so far. But the physics reports are required to pass the subject, so...
I'm also a bit caught up over a girl, Tessa, at the moment - we worked together in a maths tutorial about ten weeks ago, and I knew I loved her (i.e. "liked", for those who don't like my language) after she left the tute, as I felt disappointed and kinda lonely when it was over. I spoke to her briefly a few weeks later, and two weeks ago asked for her phone number. She basically said she was busy and dashed off... that actually made me laugh, despite my feeling distraught inside. I'm a generally happy person on the exterior - like I said, I don't like to give anyone else my problems... until now, it seems...
She actually spoke to me today - I handed a note to her friend Alex last week, who's a bloke I really like (i.e. as a friend - again my language confuses most people), who studies History and Philosophy of Science with a diploma in maths, so we had a rather insightful chat about philosophy and maths. Anyway, I basically said in the note to Tessa that I was sorry if I embarrassed her when I asked for her phone number (I really was - I know I felt pretty torn up after it, and I wouldn't have been surprised if she felt similarly), and if she wanted to catch up she could call me. If not, I wouldn't hold it against her (again, I really wouldn't - I seem to enjoy the life of a lonely bachelor, and don't approach women unless I feel compelled to! Besides, it really is her decision to make!).
Btw "Brown Eyes" just came on - so much for my original position of me saying all Fleetwood Mac songs were equally awesome... although I don't think I ever said that here on The Ledge...
I'd like to see her on Friday, to kind of explain myself to her - I feel as if everything seems unfinished between us, because some of the... mannerisms, I guess... of mine may have been taken the wrong way. Today I saw her in our maths lecture at the end of it, although I couldn't tell if it was her (btw here's a "secret", inasmuch as I've only ever told two people - I find it very difficult to distinguish different peoples' faces, and have a very poor memory for faces), so I was probably looking more mad than in deep thought trying to work out if it was actually her! But she ended up approaching me, and said that she got the note, and (something along the lines of) that she was too busy for a relationship, I think from memory... but I basically replied that I was just happy that she was flattered and not embarrassed at my asking for her phone number. After that she left, but in retrospect I wish I had walked with her and just explained some of the things I've mentioned here. Well, there's always Friday (our next lecture)!
Lastly, my dad and stepmum are getting divorced. Mind, they haven't been close for years now, and it seems to be a rather silly divorce, as my stepmum still wants to live with dad in the same house after the divorce! She must have realised how useful dad's income is! Anyway, what's really worrying is my younger (half) brother and sister - 10 and 8 respectively. My brother is autistic and can barely talk, and my stepmum can't handle him at all really - she usually distant with him, and spends much more time with my sister. As a result my dad spends as much time with my brother as possible.
In any case, I only see my dad's family on alternate weekends during uni - I simply couldn't handle any more than that, what with uni... even when I'm not doing well at it! Understandably, my dad tells me all about the latest happenings with the divorce and related matters...
I guess that'll do for now with this diatribe! Any comments are welcome, but I'd appreciate it if anyone avoided suggesting the following:
1. Seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist - so far as I know, few of them have any idea of the notion of evolutionary psychology (unlike, for example, Steven Pinker - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Pinker), and as a result have no idea about how the human mind should be expected to operate. Thus, any of their theories are liable to be based on induction, and hence pseudo-scientific. But that's kinda another discussion for another thread.
2. Turn to religion - that's a thread in itself, so I'll keep it brief - don't bother! My atheism and these problems are unrelated - my atheism is simply an intellectual position, not an emotional one. I think (as usual) Dawkins hit the nail on the head when he said that "belief that X is true doesn't mean X is true", and "X is nice doesn't mean X is true". So unless I decided to self-deceive and forgo my passions for philosophy, maths, science, and generally studying the universe, religion is out of the question,
Thanks for everyone's patience for reading this - it's much appreciated. Like I said before, I usually don't talk about these things, so I must be really far gone for me to be doing this! Anyway, thanks again!