Girls Sleeping With Boys -- What Age Is Appropriate?

[David]

On our blog this week, Cassandra talks about the sexual activity of her grand-niece & about how the girl's parents are dealing (or not dealing) with it.

Please read and leave your comments. http://claverandconverse.blogspot.com/

What can parents do to deal with the sexual activity in young teens & pre-teens? Should the police be involved at all? Should the school administrators be involved? Is it strictly a problem for the family to deal with?

[Musicman408]

Parents and schools need to stop pretending that young kids are having sex. Sadly they are, and we need to evaluate the problem. School administration can start by hosting seminars with parents and community members to evaluate the situation and come up with some sort of action plan that is going to work for both the family and the school. A lot of activity actually happens AT school, and at school functions, so more vigilance in that arena wouldn't be a bad idea.

Schools and parents need to teach kids about the risks of sex, and protection. Places that teach abstinence only courses are wrong. To prevent disease, unwanted pregnancy, and the other ills that come with early sex, school and parents need to teach how to do it safely, so that if kids feel the urge, they will know how to go about it in a safe manner. As opposed to "abstinence only" education, where the teens don't know a rat's ass about how to keep themselves from having their penises fall off.

[LiamMcConville]

Originally Posted by David

What can parents do to deal with the sexual activity in young teens & pre-teens?

Absolutely nothing. Parents should educate their children on the emotional and physical aspects of sexual activity.

That way - when they're in a situation to make a decision, it'll be informed. It's not so much about the "right age", as much as the importance of a healthy relationship with another.

If the parents struggle with discipline & communication, it would be wise to ask their child to speak with a therapist.

The child will be more comfortable talking to a "non-parent", and at the same time, the therapist can discuss the social anxieties that go along with sexual behavior during the young-teen years. Hopefully, after a couple of sessions...the child won't feel the need to prove themselves sexually.


I'd also be very interested in Jannie's response to these questions.

Should the police be involved at all?

No.

Should the school administrators be involved?

Counselor.

Is it strictly a problem for the family to deal with?

Therapist & family.

[David]

thanks for the comments, guys! But aren't you going to leave your comments on our blog? Cassandra wants to hear what you have to say!

[LiamMcConville]

Originally Posted by David

thanks for the comments, guys! But aren't you going to leave your comments on our blog? Cassandra wants to hear what you have to say!

Done.

[LukeA]

I'd say "why am I not surprised David started this particular thread", but that would sound unnecessarily (and ultimately incorrectly) provocative. But, to be perfectly honest, its not a shock. Lets just leave it at that.

Oh, I forgot, its "Cassandra" that posed the question.

[louielouie2000]

Originally Posted by David

What can parents do to deal with the sexual activity in young teens & pre-teens? Should the police be involved at all? Should the school administrators be involved? Is it strictly a problem for the family to deal with?

I agree with what others said... there's not much parents can do to change their children's sexual activities, and I generally don't think anyone needs to be brought in outside a child's family when dealing with such matters (unless we're talking about rape).

I know I personally grew up in a very 'live and let live' hippie household. The subject of sexuality was broached to me at a very young age, and was kept in the spotlight. Nudity was never an issue in our house either, nor was about anything for that matter. My parents dabbled openly in recreational drugs, and took me to the mostly gay nude beach across the lake from us from the time I could walk. We always had very open ended discussions about absolutely everything, but my parents flatly refused to mould my mind into anything. I think my parents viewed sheltering children to be a much bigger danger than exposing them to too much.

Some would say this would push children in such a household into early sexual activity. But I didn't cross that bridge until I was almost 20. I just knew I wasn't ready. Each child is so different though. I "got" the greater picture of what my parents were conveying... while my brother went the complete opposite path. I didn't drink until I was 22, didn't have sex until I was 19 (almost 20), graduated high school and college on time with good grades, and generally always did the "right" thing. My brother on the other hand had his first pregnancy scares with his girlfriends from the age of 12 or 13, by the age of 18 he was a father 2 times over, never graduated high school after being kicked out of several, and has been to at least a dozen different drug rehab programs for his addiction to crack cocaine. My brother and I are perfect examples that there is no such thing as a blanket approach for child rearing.

In an idealistic world, I almost wish kids could learn and experiment with their sexualities without all of the social constructs, repercussions, and dogma. But of course we have factors such as pregnancy, disease, rape, and religion which throw a wrench into that idea. My biggest issue with sex ed is it seems to teach children to fear and be ashamed of sex and sexuality. Of course, I'm saying all of this without being a parent. I'm not sure how being a father would impact any of my feelings or views... I might be profoundly more conservative. Parenthood has the power to change people in the most elemental ways. Sex and sexuality is just one of those issues that somehow is talked about way too much... yet, not enough at the same time. Perhaps because there are not now, nor have there ever been, definitive answers.

[daniellaaarisen]

I honestly think that kids are just gonna do what they're gonna do. I honestly, 110% don't think parenting has a significant role in the average teenager's sexual decisions-- that is, in most cases. There are definitely people out there whose ideas of sex have been dramatically impacted by their parents', but I just don't think it makes that big of a difference for most people. There are tons of factors that I think are more important-- peer and media influence, primarily. I know I'm too young to give a well-rounded opinion on this, but I'm surrounded by 17- and 18-year-olds every day and I've watched many of my friends (and myself) go through this process. I think that one's decisions regarding sexual activity are solely their own... and some of the first truly independently-made decisions that young people face.

I don't know.

[Ghost_Tracker]

Haven't really had time to get into this thread what with the Holidays, but one thing I'd like to add -

Not to be grim, but AIDS changes this equation. A whole helluva lot. It used to be that teen sex could result in an "unwanted" pregnancy that could cause serious money and life problems, etc.
Now it can kill you. For teenagers who might not be emotionally mature enough to even handle the pregnancy thing, maybe it's not such a hot idea for them to be messing around with something that now also can be deadly. "OH but I'm the only ONE for him" - - "We don't need to use condoms because it's safe for us." Well . . . yeah, they're too young if they "don't get it" yet. It's just a simple fact that we're "not in Kansas" anymore, and I think that these things have to be taken into consideration when thinking about this stuff.

[jannieC]

I haven't had time to respond and will add more later but I would be concerned about a sexually active 12 year old (even though I know it happens).

[chelluversu]

Originally Posted by jannieC

I haven't had time to respond and will add more later but I would be concerned about a sexually active 12 year old (even though I know it happens).

oo yes it definately does happen..
at my middle school there was a girl who had gotten pregnant when she was 12 and had the baby when she turned 13..i have no idea if she kept her child or not though

[jannieC]

My comment to Cassandra:

Your anonymous commenter has some very valid points.

One thing your niece and her husband need to remember is that this is a 12 year old CHILD. I don't care how "grown" she appears or thinks she is, they still have full control over her at this age. They need to take advantage of this control and tighten the hell up. I did an internship on a child and adolescent inpatient psych ward and I'm here to tel you that within a few years, this child will be beyond their control. We were not put on this earth to be our kid's friends. They have friends; we are here to teach them what's right and what's wrong; as well as the idea that there are rules, and consequences for breaking them.

Cassandra, your advice is strong and well thought out- whether or not your niece and her husband will listen is another story.

Of course I know that 12 year old can be sexually active, but there might be more here than meets they eye. Get her to a counselor while she can still be forced to do so.

[LiamMcConville]

Originally Posted by trackaghost

This is easily the best comment in this thread...:

Oh, THANKS SHARON.

[LiamMcConville]

Originally Posted by trackaghost

Yours is the second best I'm just telling it like it is!
In other words, do better next time, Liam

SECOND BEST! I'll make a valiant effort!

[daniellaaarisen]

Yeah, I posted my comment with absolutely no idea that this girl was only twelve... I didn't read the original blog post until now.

I'm 100% with Jannie.