More Problems At Home- Advice Please

Musicman408 · #1 06-16-2009, 10:08 PM

Hey there guys. I'm sure most of you here know about the incoming divorce of my parents.

I wanted to get your advice on some things going on at home because I'm just really kind of down in the dumps at the moment.

Tensions in my house are high ALL of the time! There are almost daily loud arguments that end up relegating me to my room. My mom is in a very short mood all of the time so some frustration is taken out on me. This evening after I got home from work was a great example. You know me- I try to be a peacekeeper and I always want everyone to be happy- so after awhile of everyone being pissed at each other I normally want to apologize, EVEN IF I didn't do anything wrong.

But the thing is that these days I'm down a lot. This evening for example was bad and it started when I asked my mom if she took care of something I asked if she'd do. Instead of simply saying no- she proceeded to yell at me ALLLL of the things that I needed to take care of before she would even remotely do the thing that she promised to do. So it's like after showing frustration simply in the way she was talking to me (not even the time sensitive issue she simply ignored) she blew up in my face and said a whole bunch of stuff that was completely random, un called for and inappropriate. After awhile it makes me wonder if it really WAS my fault and that there is something wrong with me..... In these situations what should I do?

The thing that's frustrating is that when it's only my dad that's home for the day or only my mom- the two of us get along fine. But when everyone is in the house- there is a guarantee that stuff is going to happen.

And the thing is- when I'm in one of these downsy kind of moods because of this- I'll go to my room and do my own thing, but truth be told- I get lonely. I started this summer working WAYYYY too many hours (I will be cutting back next week), but I haven't seen any friends and haven't heard anything from anybody. So at times I just kind of feel like I'm on my own- and I don't like that.......

I'm sorry I kind of rambled a bit, but I hope you understood what it was I was trying to say. I'd love to hear if you have any advice on things!

Much Love,
Ethan

ragandbone · #2 06-16-2009, 10:17 PM

Hi Ethan,
I am really sorry to hear you are going through this. It is really a common experience for so many children and teenagers, but never easy. Is there some possibility of family counseling? Not for reconciliation of the marriage, but just to ease some tensions, or help you all get through this? Do you have a counselor or minister, or a trusted family friend or godparent?

If you don't think you can discuss the tensions and how the split is affecting you, then I think perhaps you should write a letter to your parents. They are probably very caught up in their own pain and stress, but bringing some focus on you might actually be good, because no matter what happens between them as a couple, you will always ALL be family.

~Eliza

Tango · #3 06-18-2009, 07:46 AM

Ethan, do you remember this thread you put up on 6/13/2008?

http://ledge.fleetwoodmac.net/showthread.php?t=36363

I responded to you then, with:
"I hope things settle down, but it sounds like everyone could benefit from some counseling. Even you."

Most colleges and universities have student counseling centers. Take advantage of it. They can also make referrals for you. "The Ledge," while it offers a lot of banter about all sorts of things, (mostly Fleetwood Mac) it isn't a counseling center.

GODDESS6 · #4 06-18-2009, 08:45 AM

i just don't understand, why they feel the need to drag you into it~ i know divorce can be hard, my parents are divorced & they even loathed the sight of ea other as i learned later on as an adult & after my father had passed, but no matter how much loathing they had for ea other, they never drug me into it~ that part of their relationship at that point in time in my life was none of my business & i am very thankful for that~

markolas · #5 06-18-2009, 09:20 AM

Ugh. What your mother is doing is completely ****ty. You are not their marriage counselor and you're damn sure not her punching bag. If I were you and she started yelling at me, I would silently leave the room (and preferably the house). If she got physical, I'd call the police.

How old are you? Didn't you just graduate? You should probably look into moving out, if so. That is a toxic environment. I agree you should get some counseling (you sound co-dependent - again you are not their marriage counselor and they should not be involving their children in this in any way - they are despicable parents if they do, sorry to say)...your mother is abusive, my dear.

markolas · #6 06-18-2009, 09:30 AM

Some other thoughts...

Sometimes parents have a really difficult time moving from relating to their children as kids, to relating to them as adults. The relationship changes drastically (or it should), and parents can often not deal too well with that.

Since your mother is showing an astounding lack of boundaries, you need to set some. She needs to be told very calmly, but in no uncertain terms (preferably when she's not having one of her hysterical fits), that it's not acceptable for her to speak to you like that. If she has a meltdown, leave the room (or the house). If she puts her hands on you, call the police (I don't care if she's your mother - you're an adult and nobody has a right to get physical with you). Feel that hard, knotty thing that runs down the middle of your back? It's called a spine.

If you don't stand up for yourself now, you are setting the stage for how people (and your parents in particular) are going to treat you for the rest of your life.

SuzeQuze · #7 06-18-2009, 10:30 AM

I agree with markolas and Tango. Get some help and set some boundaries. If I were you I would leave the house when the two are home at the same time. Just know that when your mom gets like that it is all her and not you. She's being a crappy mother.

Musicman408 · #8 06-18-2009, 05:55 PM

Thanks guys- I will comment further in a little!

Things are better today. I appreciate hearing from all of you- it's just weird.... because I DOOO know that at times I can have a sharp tongue and whatnot- but I never intentionally stir **** up. Know what I'm saying? So when we have a family breakdown and my parents tell me that I was a big contributing factor in it getting so bent out of shape, I sometimes wonder if it is in fact the truth....

That being said, things are alright right now- no blowouts since that night after work..... Keep our fingers crossed!!!!!

**mylittledemon** · #9 06-18-2009, 07:12 PM

It sounds as if your mother is forgetting you're her child...I'm not completely aware of how your relationship operates BEFORE this whole divorce...but it sounds like she's taking out her frustrations on you. I would seek some counseling in the very least for yourself...especially with someone who has dealt with divorce. At least it will help you understand what is happening, and to have patience knowing that in time things will work out. It doesn't even have to be a counselor...could be a pastor...a best friends parent, someone you trust. A manager at work, someone you can confide in.

My parents divorced in Nov/Dec 1998...it was June/July of 1999 before we could all be CALM, and sit in the same room together. On a much more somber note, it was nearly 8 years after that before we could all finally LET GO of the whole situation. And, there are still some scars that remain. I believe there are some things that time cannot mend. I pray for you and your sanity during this period. If you can remember ONE THING, just remember their divorce is NOT your fault.

markolas · #10 06-18-2009, 09:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Musicman408

So when we have a family breakdown and my parents tell me that I was a big contributing factor in it getting so bent out of shape, I sometimes wonder if it is in fact the truth....

What do you mean by "family breakdown," exactly? Surely your parents aren't blaming you for their marital problems. If so, they are way out of line and you really should think long and hard about vacating from the premises permanently.

Sahara · #11 06-19-2009, 01:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tango

"The Ledge," while it offers a lot of banter about all sorts of things, (mostly Fleetwood Mac) it isn't a counseling center.

No, but it's a community of friends, and the option is always there to avoid threads asking for advice if you don't want to give it.

I'm sorry things are horrible at the moment, Ethan. Stick close to your friends (including us) and hold fast to the knowledge that these things are not your fault. Will be thinking of you in the days and weeks to come.

Stew_Matthews · #12 06-19-2009, 01:59 PM

Ethan,

The danger with a question such as this on a Fleetwood Mac board (as Tango rightly said) is that you invite responses from people who aren't actually qualified to answer it. Their opinion might be well meant but that doesn't mean that it is right for you.

Get some professional, qualified support asap.

jannieC · #13 06-19-2009, 05:21 PM

I agree with the person who said to seek out some counseling at school. It's free and I think it would be much more beneficial to speak with a professional, in person.

Musicman408 · #14 06-19-2009, 07:45 PM

Thanks guys!!! I really appreciate it!

I do have people that I have gone to for support, and they have lifted me up- people who I trust dearly and who have gone through the same thing as I am currently going through!

Don't worry about me- I will be fine..... The evening I fist posted about this was just a rough evening!

Things have cooled down a little though- been pretty smooth as of late.

Please just don't worry about me.

dcl1964 · #15 06-19-2009, 09:04 PM

I was having a similar problem with my father after the death of my mother. Nothing I did was right. He would yell at me for stuff my brother or my nephew did that had nothing to do with me. I knew my Dad loved me and really wasn't "yelling" at me, he was "yelling" at the situation. Your mother is probably scared about what the future will hold if she and your Dad break up. Next time this happens, take a deep breath and then give your Mother a hug and tell her everything will turn out ok. The look on my Dad's face when I did it was priceless. Sadly my Dad's gone as well now. Counselling is a good idea. Surrounding yourself with good friends is another good idea. Their problems are exactly that: THEIR PROBLEMS. They're hurting right now and they're not in a good place. Just keep telling them you love them and hopefully things will improve.