My Date with the Bismarck

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On post 982 of this thread: http://ledge.fleetwoodmac.net/showth...=29076&page=33 I told everyone here that I wanted to "do" the famous German battleship Bismarck. I didn't know that she would be so willing to accept the offer!

Late Friday night, I got a phone call from the Blohm & Voss Shipyard in Hamburg, Germany. A man with an extremely thick German accent asked me if I wanted to try out some of their products. I said yes, not knowing how willing they were to hand out free merchandise.

Today, at about two a clock, I got a knock on my door and a nervous delivery man told me he had a package for me. I thought he was kidding me, but then I looked up and saw a massive wall of grey steel in front of me. He told me that this was the Bismarck, and I told him that that was ridiculous, and that the Bismarck had been sunk in 1941. He told me that they always kept a spare Bismarck around in case anyone wanted to "do" it.

My first encounter with the Bismarck left me with somewhat mixed feelings. Although I was thrilled about the idea, I had forgotten that she was 118 feet wide and displaced about 45,000 tons. Someone had painted lips on her bow, and tied a bottle of wine and a satin negligee to the stern. From the get-go I was a bit embarrassed.

I then took the Bismarck out for dinner. Being a battleship, she wasn't to terribly into pretension, so we went to the Hometown Buffet. The whole time I was there, I received complaints from numerous customers about my open relationship with such an obvious symbol of the Third Reich's military power. I tried to tell them that the Bismarck was just a ship, and not a symbol of Nazism. No one believed me.

We then went out for a stroll in the park. The Bismarck felt out of place on land, and insisted on taking a quick swim in the pond. Almost instantly, the water level in the pond rose three feet, sending waves crashing into the town. A bunch of people ran up to her, swatting her with metal poles. One of these punctured one of the oil tanks in the double bottom, sending oil spilling everywhere and cutting off about 20% of her total fuel supply.

I think by this time the Bismarck was feeling insecure about my relationship. She kept asking me if the range finders on her forward 15-inch turret were making her look fat, and if they should be removed. She also wouldn't stop fretting about her dated WWI-era armor system, which could prove a fatal flaw if a torpedo hit her near the rudders. I tried to console her by telling her that our two nations were at peace now, but she just didn't wouldn't listen.

Tragically, it would seem that man and battleship were not meant to coexist in a mutually supportive relationship. I think she just wants to run home and visit the Tirpitz for a little while. It pains me to see this magnificent piece of naval architecture go so lonely. If the Bismarck is reading this, I'm sorry if I broke your heart. I never doubted your beauty...I've changed.