New Rules

Richard B · #1 11-30-2005, 01:16 PM

I found these funny and found this off another site...so I can not take credit for any of these nor do I know who wrote them.

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New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. At least they're getting some kind of sex education.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a-hole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a block of cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

David · #2 11-30-2005, 01:23 PM

ROFLRO!!!!! I stole some of those!

Karlie · #3 11-30-2005, 01:27 PM

I love the flavored water one.

DavidMn · #4 11-30-2005, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Richard B

I found these funny and found this off another site...so I can not take credit for any of these nor do I know who wrote them.

------------------
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. At least they're getting some kind of sex education.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a-hole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a block of cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

The George Micheal one made me cry I laughed so hard!!!

Jyqm · #5 11-30-2005, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Richard B

I found these funny and found this off another site...so I can not take credit for any of these nor do I know who wrote them.

Thanks for this, Richard!

I do love scotch-flavored water, though...

estranged4life · #6 11-30-2005, 01:29 PM

Quote:

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

I remember seeing this one particular ass-jock punk from my highschool years working at a Homeland store and when I noticed a spill in the soda section I made sure to let him know that "You need to clean that up before someone falls and sues your ass".

Hell I am surprised he even had a job since he sure as hell couldnt spell J-O-B!!!

Quote:

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. At least
they're getting some kind of sex education.

If my 8th grade English teacher Ms.Smith wanted to have sex with me I sure as hell wouldnt have yelled/whined "I was abused"....Well unless she was into the kinky thing, But then again that wouldve been fine with me cause she was hella hot (The reason I sat directly in front of her in class...Hey ya snooze & ya lose, So I got the best seat in class to check her out on a daily basis!) besides-"Sticks and stones may break my bones...but whips & chains excite me!"

Quote:

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

I think most of those tattoos say in Chinese "I have a small penis and dont score much except with sheep", "My nickname is Butter cause i am easy to spread" or "Mary Jane Rotten-Crotch gave me the clap".

Richard B · #7 11-30-2005, 01:35 PM

So glad you all are enjoying this! I couldn't stop laughing either...good humor for Hump Day Wednesday.

amber · #8 11-30-2005, 01:41 PM

I just read that book. Like, just last weekend. It's Bill Maher. It's called "New Rules".

GypsySorcerer · #9 11-30-2005, 01:41 PM

LMAO! Those were funny, Richard.

And this cracked me up:

Quote:

Originally Posted by estranged4life

I think most of those tattoos say in Chinese "I have a small penis and dont score much except with sheep", "My nickname is Butter cause i am easy to spread" or "Mary Jane Rotten-Crotch gave me the clap".

sara1998 · #10 11-30-2005, 01:43 PM

Thank you. I needed this. I had to e-mail them out, too.

Karlie · #11 11-30-2005, 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by estranged4life

I think most of those tattoos say in Chinese "I have a small penis and dont score much except with sheep", "My nickname is Butter cause i am easy to spread" or "Mary Jane Rotten-Crotch gave me the clap".