Isn't it ironic...

[stargazer99]

I apologize in advance if this turns into rambling, but I really need to vent....

As I've mentioned in other threads, we moved from Chicago to TX earlier this year, due to my husband's work situation. He was laid off from his job over 3 years ago. He works in the computer field, programming with a software package that about 99% of the US population has never heard of, much less used. And he's not experienced in any other programming languages (nor does he have a C.S. degree), which these days, makes it pretty much impossible for him to find a permanent job in the computer field. And we really can't afford for him to take an entry level job that doesn't pay anything. So he's worked contract positions on and off over the last three years. Two of those contracts were here in TX, for a total of about 1-1/2 years. Unfortunately, none of the jobs have paid his expenses, so lodging, air fare, etc, has all been out of pocket. Therefore, although the hourly rates have been good, a lot of the money he has made has been eaten up by expenses. We've been barely scraping by financially.

The last contract he had here, he was down here for over a year, while I was home working full time and taking care of a 4-year old. The contract was supposed to last several more months, with a strong possibility of a permanent position. And I was able to get a transfer with my job. So, we moved down here. Unfortunately, the company ended his contract about 2 weeks after we arrived. Since then, he's had some bites at other contracts, but nothing came of any of them. In the meantime, he's started up his own business (catering -- he was a chef many years ago). He's gotten a decent amount of business, but really hasn't made any profit yet. Most of the money has gone back into the business. In the meantime, our financial situation has become dire. And I'm not very happy here. I miss my family and friends, and am struggling with how conservative it is politically down here. But he's determined to stay here. So he's stepped up the hunt for another job on the side while trying to get the business off the ground. Great news: he just landed another contract. It's expected to last 6 months. I'm very relieved, because I really believe that if things were to continue this way, we'd lose our house. But here's the kicker: The job is in Chicago! Which means not only are we going to be living apart again, with me doing the "single mom" thing again, but the job is located where we just moved from!

This time, we won't have to worry about paying two sets of housing bills, because he will be staying with our ex-neighbor. So that's good news as well. But I still feel like I've been kicked in the gut! We've fought for the last several months over money, and the fact that we moved down here for his job, which ended right after we got down here. And the fact that I'm not happy here, but he refuses to move back home. And now, for the next six months, he'll be back there, while I'm stuck down here. Unfortunately, it's not feasible for us to go with him. Because then, we'd have to get our own place to live, which again would cause us to be paying for two households. And he refuses to move back there permanently, so selling the house and returning for good isn't an option. The only thing that's allowing me any shred of sanity is the fact that we desparately need the money, so in that sense, the job offer did come at the right time.

But I'm worried about my son as well. He had a lot of problems adjusting to his dad not being there when we were still up north and he was down here. And I'm afraid it will be very difficult for him this time as well. Not to mention that at my son's age, he changes every day. So my husband misses a lot of his growing up being away for that long. He will, of course, fly home on weekends when he can. But this job isn't paying his expenses either, so we have to be careful how often we do that.

Then, as if I'm not stressed enough about all this, I pick my son up from daycare today, and find out that his daycare center is closing as of Dec. 9. So we have less than a month to find other arrangements. The day they close is about 2 weeks after my husband leaves for Chicago. And my son doesn't do real well with a lot of change. Every time he's had to change daycare in the past, it's been a huge adjustment for him. When my husband was down here for over a year, my son had changed classrooms at school the same day my husband left. And that sent him into a tizzy. Every day for the next 4 months, when I dropped him off at school, he clung to me crying, and stood at the window bawling as I drove off. So I can imagine what's going to happen when he has to change schools again, right after my husband leaves again.

I keep telling myself "we need the money, so this is a good thing". But I"m really having a tough time with the irony of it all...

[dissention]

Yikes, Mary, I'm sorry that you and your family are going through such a hard time. It does seem like a cruel joke that your husband is getting a job in Chicago, the place you recently moved from and miss so much. Life certainly does have a way of kicking you in the ass like that. I feel for your son because he's so young at this point and all those changes must confuse the hell out of him.

The most I can say is not to stop hoping for things to get better. I'm sure they will get better eventually, but you just have to hang in there until they do. Once you're on stable financial ground and you're family is all together, things are bound to shape up. Hang in there.

[GypsySorcerer]

Mary, I'm sorry you all are going through this. I just wanted to say I hope everything works out for the best. I'll be thinking of your family.

[irishgrl]

Im sorry but your husband is a selfish boor not to think about how the WHOLE family is affected. Especially your son. I think if it were me, I'd be seriously considering selling the house and going where YOU want to go anyway. if you are alone much of the time, would things really be any different? Your hubby will either see that he's forcing the rest of you into an unhappy situation or he wont but I dont think I'd want to live the way you're living for very long.

Maybe you just need to think about what would be best for you and your son. Where do your family live? Where is your support group? What are you able to do (or not do) by yourself? Yep, I'd be getting myself to an area where I had help available. You didnt mention what YOU do for a living. Can you survive on your own salary? If you had to? Something to think about....

btw: Ive been my own boss for over 25 years, so my point of view is colored by my fierce independence. I sincerely hope your husband is mature enough to appreciate the sacrifices you've made for him and his career, at your own emotional expense (not to mention your son's). If he is, and you can work out some sort of compromise, fantastic! If not, maybe you have some decisions to make (or not........) I just wanted to clarify that my comments above are coming from the independent female point of view, and hope I didnt offend.

[stargazer99]

Thanks for the good thoughts, everyone! I appreciate them.

Amber and Mary, I will post an answer to some of your questions/suggestions later. Believe me, I've been through many conversations with my husband about some of your thoughts/questions/suggestions. I just don't have the energy right now to fill you in, though. But I will respond later.

Thanks again!

[Raeven Skye]

Honey, I am so sorry you're "knee deep in kim-chee" (as y Mom would say). Your situation totally sucks. I understand the difficulty in finding a techie job w/no degree. My husband has had the same problem for years: grave digger, pawn broker, customer service, just to get by. His last customer service job has turned into a really awesome opportunity, tho, so never give up! It's bad enough to have to live apart, but to have the situation you have would be enough to make me lose it. Stay strong, and know that we're here for you. I'll be sending love and prayers your way!

[SuzeQuze]

Mary, the money isn't as important as family. If he really wants to stay in Texas shouldn't he be really working his catering business? Won't you just be in the same predicament in 6 mos if he is not? This job may seem like a good idea but it sounds like a temporary solution that will just push this problem out 6 mos. Also, I really think he should be doing everything he can to be with you two. He should not be leaving you down there.

I'm so sorry this is happening. I also hope I don't sound too harsh. Women tend to compromise as a second nature. Then the years go by and you look at your life and think, "This isn't my life!".

Hang in there. Also, my standard advice here, consider couple's counseling. I hope things get better very soon for you.

[gldstwmn]

I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. I have to say, as an independent female myself, that I find the questions that Mary posed to be pretty good ones.
I just wish there were more that I could say or do for you. If you ever want to talk, I'm just a mouse click away. Take care of yourself and your little boy.

[DavidMn]

I really hope everything works out for you. You sound like youre really trying to live the right way as best you can. Good things happen to good people. Remember that.

[WelshWitchPMD]

I hope that everything works out for you. I think that your husband needs to learn another programming language or another computer skill. You need to adjust to demand in the job market today. Can't he take a few classes? I am sure that they would not be too time consuming and even a community college would not be that much money. It would be worth it in the long run. Even an entry level job might pay for some classes or training and in a year he could be making a lot more $$$. It sounds better then these temp jobs that are a temporary solution.
I work for a credit union and even I am going to take a few more computer classes. It is good to be a step ahead of everyone else.
Good luck!

[stargazer99]

Originally Posted by amber

Oh, man. That is a quagmire. Where are you from? Why can't you sell and go to Chicago? Will you lose money? About these contract jobs - Is he just going to keep looking for them in Texas once his chicago one ends? It seems like you guys should at least move to a place you like if your husband is going to be travelling all the time anyway.

He's only taking this Chicago job because we're in desperate need of money. He's even talking about trying to cut it short... only 3 months instead of 6, just to get us back on our feet. Though he's been looking for work, he really wants to make a go of the catering business. But with him working only on and off the past few years, we've gotten ourselves deeply in debt, and pay our bills on my salary alone. And the business isn't showing much of a profit yet.

Originally Posted by amber

I mean, why did you decide that Texas would be the permanent place???

At the time we moved, he'd been down here for over a year. And it was his second contract here working with the software he's experienced with. It seemed that there were more job opportunities here, considering his skill set. And his contract was expected to last several more months. There was even a strong possibility that a permanent job would come out of it. He was working with management to get hired full-time. And my company has an office down here, and I was able to transfer, we made the move. It wasn't until we'd bought a house here and sold our old house that we discovered the contract was going to end sooner. The company's management changed, and they started getting rid of people, including contractors. And unfortunately, if there were any permanent jobs down here in his area, they weren't around anymore.

Originally Posted by amber

With expenses, I hope you are still making more money than you would if husband didn't travel.

This time, thankfully, we will only have one house and set of bills to pay. He will be staying with our old neighbor, giving him some money for room and board, but nothing compared to what he was paying for lodging and food on his previous contracts. So most of the money he makes will, thankfully, be used for paying the bills here.

Originally Posted by amber

While he's working, is there anything he can do (like education wise) to make himself more consistently employable to where you could stay in one place? Sometimes school loans are worth it, if that's a possibility. It seems really pointless to me now how you guys are working to live, but you are not really living, if you know what I mean. So husband rethinking employment might be cool. That catering thing is great, though.

I have suggested the school thing, and when he was first unemployed, he did sign up for some computer classes at the community college. But then the first contract down here came up, and he had to give that up. He hasn't picked it up since... but I have made the suggestion. He's at a point now where he doesn't want to depend on others for a living anymore. He doesn't really enjoy working with computers that much, and he wants to be his own boss. Thus, the catering business. He really wants to concentrate on that. Unfortunately, as I mentioned, it's not brininging in the money right now, so he's putting that on hold just long enough to work this contract. We've racked up a lot of debt since he was laid off, because there's been many times we've had to pay for food, utilities, clothes for son, etc., with credit cards because we just couldn't stretch my paycheck far enough. We're hoping to get some of our debt paid off with the money he makes in Chicago so we can more easily manage household expenses when he returns. The rate he'll be paid is pretty good, and without lodging expenses, it should cover more than his other contracts did.

Originally Posted by amber

Sorry your son is having a hard time. I wasn't really like that, or allowed to be like that, all crying and stuff, so I don't know what would help or anything. My mom said "stop crying" and I usually did. Children really do thrive on stability and structure, though, for the most part. Poor little guy.

He is the one I worry about most! I know I'll survive the best I can, but this will be tough on him.

Originally Posted by amber

Edit - Oh, you moved from Chicago. I'm no married person, or a travelling person, but I really think that, unless there are tons more job possibilities in Texas, you guys should move - you don't like it, right? It only makes sense not to live there, unless there really are jobs, or real estate is not a sellers market, or something.

Real estate would kill us. It's so expensive in Chicago. Real estate is much cheaper down here. We would probably take a rather large hit. We paid less for our house here than we got for our house in Chicago. Unforunately, that profit has disappeared, because we've gone through all of our savings just trying to make ends meet. We'd end up losing money on the house here. We wouldn't be able to afford buying there again. But even renting up there can be as much as a mortgage payment.

Originally Posted by amber

Anyway, I don't have any advice or anything, I guess. I just hope you guys really think it out and decide how you want to live your life, and then take those steps, and then I hope everything works out.
:hugs!!!!!!:

Thank you! I do appreciate the good thoughts and suggestions!

[irishgrl]

Originally Posted by stargazer99

Thanks for the good thoughts, everyone! I appreciate them.

Amber and Mary, I will post an answer to some of your questions/suggestions later. Believe me, I've been through many conversations with my husband about some of your thoughts/questions/suggestions. I just don't have the energy right now to fill you in, though. But I will respond later.

Thanks again!

uh oh..... dont trash me too badly, Im just pro-MOM and pro-CHILD here!
and I know from many years of experience (not to mention many less than perfect relationships heh heh) that the only person that is going to look out for you is YOU. I think Suze is right, your hubby needs to get himself more of a skillset or he is really going to paint himself into a corner career-wise.
And if I were you, especially if I had a span of time stretching out in front of me, I'd be checking out the local colleges and be thinking about getting a degree in a marketable skill. (why not childcare? you'd get to stay home and you'd make bank!) as for the price of houses.....thats a toughie, but if you're not happy in your neighborhood (or STATE!) by golly, start saving and check out the housing markets elsewhere. ANNNNNND: be glad you dont live in CA or NY. I hear the housing on the coasts is the worst! I could sell my home and buy a decent (HUGE) place elsewhere, but I like living in CA, and Im in the mountains, which I LOVE! so I stay here. But, Ive got an ace in the hole if necessary......

Again, my answer above came from the "independent female" perspective, and obviously your marriage is prime to you. But again, as Suze said: Women DO tend to overlook their own (or their children's) needs to keep the "family" together and sometimes dont see that a situation is toxic. Please promise yourself that you will get OUT if the situation turns TOXIC! If your son goes ballistic and stays there, or you just cant sleep at night from stress, or any number of possible scenarios....just get OUT if/when you've had it up to HERE! Ok? If you dont, you're only prolonging the agony and you'll eventually end up at the same crossroads anyway....trust me. Been there/Done that. Twice.

[stargazer99]

Originally Posted by irishgrl

Im sorry but your husband is a selfish boor not to think about how the WHOLE family is affected. Especially your son. I think if it were me, I'd be seriously considering selling the house and going where YOU want to go anyway. if you are alone much of the time, would things really be any different? Your hubby will either see that he's forcing the rest of you into an unhappy situation or he wont but I dont think I'd want to live the way you're living for very long.

The unhappiness I'm feeling is mostly with the drastic changes in the past few years. Living apart sucked. We moved down here because we thought he'd have more job opportunities here, and my job allowed me to transfer. But I haven't been real happy down here. A lot of that has to do with the political climate, but a lot also has to do with missing my family and friends. I've met many nice people down here, but really haven't made any friendships. I am trying to get involved in stuff (exercise classes, TX democratic party) both to meet people, and for recreation, and that has helped. And this whole contract situtation is incredibly frustrating. But, no matter how frustrating or ironic it is, he is actually taking it with my blessing because we are in SERIOUS financial trouble and desperately need the money. I will admit that we've gotten into many serious fights since we've been down here, about money and the job situation. And I've called him selfish because I do feel frustrated with the fact that we moved down here for him, and now the job situtation dried up, and he's been going after his dream while I'm stuck in a job I'm not all that happy with. This has been a huge bone of contention. But, we do love each other, and until all this happend, were happy with each other. Other than this great divide, he has been a good husband and a great father. And he is taking the contract in order to help provide for the family. We both feel that he cannot turn it down -- it's not just his decision. So considering all that, as well as the fact that there is a child involved, I want to try and make things work.

Originally Posted by irishgrl

Maybe you just need to think about what would be best for you and your son. Where do your family live? Where is your support group? What are you able to do (or not do) by yourself? Yep, I'd be getting myself to an area where I had help available. You didnt mention what YOU do for a living. Can you survive on your own salary? If you had to? Something to think about....

I'm worried more about my son adjusting to this than myself. While this will be stressful for me, I'll survive. But he's only 5, and doesn't understand all this. He will desperately miss his father and won't understand why he has to be away for a while. But he does have friends here, and likes it down here. He is happy here. The thing that will be tough on him will be the separation from his father. I do agree about the whole support network thing. It is lacking down here for me but, hopefully, not totally absent. I do have a little bit of extended family down here that I can reach out to. And I'm trying to make other connections. But yeah, it's definitely not what it would be back north. As for the job, I am in the computer field as well (different speciality than my husband). I make decent money, but because of all the debt we've accumulated since my husband lost his job, it would be incredibly difficult to get by on my salary alone. We haven't been able to do it as a family and, on my own, it would still be difficult.

Originally Posted by irishgrl

btw: Ive been my own boss for over 25 years, so my point of view is colored by my fierce independence. I sincerely hope your husband is mature enough to appreciate the sacrifices you've made for him and his career, at your own emotional expense (not to mention your son's). If he is, and you can work out some sort of compromise, fantastic! If not, maybe you have some decisions to make (or not........) I just wanted to clarify that my comments above are coming from the independent female point of view, and hope I didnt offend.

My husband is also fiercely independent when it comes to work. He is fed up with working for others, and wants to be his own boss (like you are!) and do something he has a passion for. He has faith that the catering will take off. He has built a decent clientele. But, like any small business, it's taking time to show a profit. Unfortunately, our finances can't handle that. We have made a deal that if the business does well (which he's convinced it can where we're living), that I will be able to pursue whatever I want, career wise. The fact that we are in such financial trouble, and that I have (and continue to) make sacrifices for his career is incredibly frustrating for me, because I do feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick right . But it has become clear to him that he needs to do something to bring money in NOW, and therefore is taking what he can get and putting the business on hold. And unfortunately, another major move for the whole family at this point is not affordable. So while I miss Chicago, it's not really feasible for us all to move back.

I hope this all make sense... my emotions are just in a big old jumble right now, and it's kind of hard to express what I'm feeling. I do agree with you on many points. You are expressing many things I've been feeling about the whole situation. But I also want to make it clear that at least on the point of this current contract that he's taking, as frustrating as it is for me, he's doing it with my blessing. At this point, our money needs have overridden my emotional needs. It's not just a matter of wanting more money in order to buy nice things, it's a matter of our keeping our house and feeding ourselves. Unfortunately, our son is the one that will suffer the most. But I keep telling myself it's only temporary. And I also keep telling myself that there's so many others out there that have much bigger problems than spending 6 months apart. (Also, remembering the fact that he will be home on weekends as much as possible).

I do appreciate your advice, though.

[stargazer99]

Originally Posted by irishgrl

uh oh..... dont trash me too badly, Im just pro-MOM and pro-CHILD here!

I just posted my response before reading this! I don't think I trashed you, and I didn't mean that in a bad way. Wasn't trying to say "Amber and Mary, I'll deal with you two later!" I just meant that I wanted to try and answer some of your questions and give a little more information to show that things aren't quite as black and white as they seem. Unfortunately, I'm not always good at explaining things, especially when it comes to my own reasoning and feelings, so I hope my responses don't end up just confusing you!

As I said, I do appreciate the advice. The reasons I posted this in the first place were to 1) vent a little, and 2) vent to people who aren't emotionally involved, and could give me some non-biased advice. So I do appreciate any advice I can get. In the end, I may not act on all of it, because I will do what I think is best for me. But it's nice to receive objective, non-emotional takes on the situation.

[ragandbone]

Well I don't have any sage advice, but I have moved far away from my network of friends twice in my relationship. The first time I was lonely and homesic depsite the fact that I had had wanted to move) but I adjusted and made new friends at my job, and in the music community...and then my husband got a job back where I had moved from, back to my friends! The second move happened after we had a son, and this has been really different.

I think it is especially difficult to be away from your friends and family when you have a small child. I was going to suggest returing to Chicago, but I see from your answers to Amber that you have some really good reasons for staying where you are.

Is there any chance of a retired grandparent, coming to stay with you for a while? If you haven't met any moms you click with at your son's childcare, you might try something like this:
http://www.austinmama.com/
(I am guessing that you are not in Austin, but you might find local connections through them.
or
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/

Well, I hope whatever transitions are ahead will go more smoothly than you have imagined, and I hope you will keep asking for support here.