Grrrr

[Mari]

Excuse me, I need to vent!!
There's a colleague here who's been getting in my 'personal space' way too often for a while. At first I didn't really notice it that much, it's not like I'm a prude and can't stand some contact now and then. I work with a lot of men and he wasn't the only one who's being a bit flirtatious. I don't mind that, but there's a line somewhere. Most people know to keep to it.
He f* ing crossed it. Hanging over you while you're at the computer, looking 'that way' at your body, touching your face (I REALLY don't like that. That's treating you as a child. HEllo, I'm an adult woman, respect, please), when you've bare arms taking that opportunity to touch them a liiiiitle bit too long, grabbing you from behind as a 'joke'. That one did it, really.

I found it difficult to say something about it at first because there's a big grey area. Talked about it with some women friends. Some are supportive, some think you are the problem. Anyway, decided at some point that enough really was enough, and at the next occasion would not keep quiet anymore.

Well, that occasion was today. I just reacted instinctively "don't touch me" and that really surprised him. He came to me later on to ask about it, was so surprised when I said, quite calmly, I felt he was crossing the lines and that I did not want him to touch me again. He gave me the "I'm like that with everyone" excuse, the "I did not mean anything with it" excuse, the "Have you had problems like this before that you're overreacting" line. I told him it's not fair to put this on me, all I wanted was to draw the line and could he please keep to that when I am asking him to. Ok, I guess he will now.

Sigh. Is this really so hard to understand? What's ok and what's not?

[eclipse]

Sweet Sweet Mari
What is OK is whatever you are comfortable with. Some people are genuinely "touchy feely people", I know that I am...but that is a whole other story..see I am somewhat intuitive, and pick up a lot of someone's emotion and thoughts if I touch them..
That said-...This is different.

You would "feel" if his touch was a genuine "just, you know, touch...but if it is creeping you out then it is not genuine and not OK!
So you did the right thing in telling him---If he wants to turn it over to being "your issue" so he takes no responsibility for his actions..Let him
Who cares what he thinks...at the very least he won't be touching you!!

And the ARE NO grabs from behind that are "just kidding" grabs. Tell this guy to back off...
The only real problem would be...is he your Boss or Superior at work...then it gets trickier
Keep me posted Mari I am curious...I used to work with all men and....
I am a beautiful, voluptious, INTELLIGENT woman so it was ALWAYS A CHALLENGE!

BUT I HAVE LEARNED LOTS OF "TRICKS" , I will be happy to share with you

[Mari]

Thanks for being so sweet I need to hear that!!


He's not my boss or superior, Thank God. But this is a family business and he's the uncle of the current boss. However.. nobody here takes him too seriously since he's had a history of psychological problems. I guess that is in my advantage. I don't know how this will go.. if he'll talk to others now that I'm a prude or something, I don't know and I don't care too much about that. As long as he lays off!

I know what you mean, there are some guys (I'm not saying everyone, people. Don't want to generalize) who don't know how to deal with a smart woman

[SuzeQuze]

Originally Posted by Mari

Thanks for being so sweet I need to hear that!!


He's not my boss or superior, Thank God. But this is a family business and he's the uncle of the current boss. However.. nobody here takes him too seriously since he's had a history of psychological problems. I guess that is in my advantage. I don't know how this will go.. if he'll talk to others now that I'm a prude or something, I don't know and I don't care too much about that. As long as he lays off!

I know what you mean, there are some guys (I'm not saying everyone, people. Don't want to generalize) who don't know how to deal with a smart woman

I once had a boss who was like this. It was extra sick because most of his employees were underage. He did the neck massage thing to me one day and I told him I don't like to be touched. From then on he would put his hands out and then say, "Oh yeah, you don't like to be touched." with sarcasm. It upset me a bit but did not make me regret speaking up because he never touched me again. Most people know that sexual harrassment begins when advances are known to be "unwanted". That is how the law works here in the states anyway.

If he continues to make an issue keep a journal of everything that happens just in case. Times and dates, what you said, what he said, for evidence. You probably won't need it. He sounds like he may be pretty meek. If anyone asks just tell them exactly what he did and what you said, they should respect your space too. This might just blow over without too much hassle. Sorry you had to deal with this crap!

[Mari]

I just talked about it with two other colleagues, they reacted great I think. I guess I need them to know my side of this. I think it will be ok.. I need to be able to work with him, you know? But that's not worth letting him do stuff like that, of course.
I'll keep track of things, thanks for the tip. He already denied stuff when I told him it had happened before. Pft. I told him I wouln't make such a thing up, don't call me a liar.
It's not the first time I ran into a guy like this, at my last job before this one there was a man who caused this kind of problems with pretty much every younger woman, scared away a few temps too. No support from the company in that at all, it was ****ty.
The guy from your story => bastard!
It surprises me sometimes how much these kind of things happen. Once you start talking about it you hear plenty of stories :/

[SuzeQuze]

Originally Posted by Mari

I just talked about it with two other colleagues, they reacted great I think. I guess I need them to know my side of this. I think it will be ok.. I need to be able to work with him, you know? But that's not worth letting him do stuff like that, of course.
I'll keep track of things, thanks for the tip. He already denied stuff when I told him it had happened before. Pft. I told him I wouln't make such a thing up, don't call me a liar.
It's not the first time I ran into a guy like this, at my last job before this one there was a man who caused this kind of problems with pretty much every younger woman, scared away a few temps too. No support from the company in that at all, it was ****ty.
The guy from your story => bastard!
It surprises me sometimes how much these kind of things happen. Once you start talking about it you hear plenty of stories :/

Yes, he was a pig. He wound up getting fired down the line for a different offense - reselling returned/used merchandise to employees at very steep discounts. Loss prevention had an eye on him regarding the sexual harrassment but all of the girls were young and no one wanted to come forward. Lisa was just hoping to catch him on tape which never happened. But he got his!

[Dreammms]

I had a boss like that too. I used to work as a receptionist at a health club. I used to have to get there at 5:30 and he would be there. So it was just me and him for thirty minutes until the club opened at 6:00. He used to pull his chair right near mine. Massage my arms. Rub my leg. He would be breathing very heavy. It was so nasty. One time he slapped my ass. I told him he was a dirty old man and I ended up quitting.

You had every right to tell your coworker how you feel. If him touching you doesn't make you feel right than he shouldn't be doing it.

[GypsySorcerer]

Mari, I would have reacted exacltly the same as you did. Good for you for calling him out on it. I hope you don't have to deal with his inappropriate behavior anymore.

[seeker007nmss]

Tell this fool to take a hike. He is an idiot. If it makes you uncomfortable, then it should stop. Period. Tell him to "Get the hell away from me". That should leave no room for doubt.

[David]

Originally Posted by Mari

He f* ing crossed it. Hanging over you while you're at the computer, looking 'that way' at your body, touching your face (I REALLY don't like that.

A knee to the groin should take care of the problem.

[estranged4life]

easy, get a big pair of pliers, that's right pliers and squeeze 'em onto his 'sack the next time he touches ya...And squeeze the livin' s**t outta of 'em.

I am sure that will teach him "hands off means hands off ya putz".

And ya will have a new eunuch too!

[WELSH WITCH]

Some men just never learn.

You asked him politely to keep his hands to himself and if that doesn't help do what David suggested.

[Mari]

I think I will take a pair of pliers to work next monday, put them on my desk for everyone to see, and if he asks what's that about... "That's just a friend's advice on how to deal with you (but you can opt for my knee, if you'd rather have that)"

thanks for the support, everybody

[trackaghost]

Originally Posted by Mari

Well, that occasion was today. I just reacted instinctively "don't touch me" and that really surprised him. He came to me later on to ask about it, was so surprised when I said, quite calmly, I felt he was crossing the lines and that I did not want him to touch me again. He gave me the "I'm like that with everyone" excuse, the "I did not mean anything with it" excuse, the "Have you had problems like this before that you're overreacting" line. I told him it's not fair to put this on me, all I wanted was to draw the line and could he please keep to that when I am asking him to. Ok, I guess he will now.

Sigh. Is this really so hard to understand? What's ok and what's not?

Ugh! That "I'm like that with everyone" is no excuse at all. His behaviour was completely inappropiate. I love the way he tried to deflect it back onto you with "have you had problems like this before" line.

I think you did the right thing Mari. He needed to be told, the creep.

[Mari]

Originally Posted by amber

Creep Out/Lame. I'm glad you said something. You know what I hate? Like in Suze's story, when after you say something, the guy acts like you're a bitch for saying it, and makes stupid sarcastic comments, as if it was not actually their problem. God, that makes me mad!

Anyway....I think you're totally right, and I can't believe anyone was "not supportive".
Good job, Mari!!

Yeah well.. I tried to talk about it with a colleague before I actually said something to the creep himself. And her reaction was just 'never had problems with him myself'. I thought that sucked, I was just looking for some support but that kind of remark makes you feel alone with it, you know?
But I'm the one who should draw the line, she was right on that.

Originally Posted by trackaghost

Ugh! That "I'm like that with everyone" is no excuse at all. His behaviour was completely inappropiate. I love the way he tried to deflect it back onto you with "have you had problems like this before" line.

I think you did the right thing Mari. He needed to be told, the creep

.

That's what that kind of creep will always do, act like YOU are the problem, and HE's the victim. I'm still so mad about those remarks. Contemplating about talking to my superiors about this. If he'll try anything again, even gossiping behind my back, I most certainly will.

Thanks you two as well for the support I wasn't looking forward at all to going back to work this morning, but just reading stuff like this does make me feel stronger about it