Joke time!

[Gypsy-Rhiannon]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.

[WildInTheWind]

That's cute Pip!

[amber]

[BTFLCHLD]

A lady places a personal ad in the paper that reads, “Looking for a man who won’t beat me, won’t run out on me, and is good in bed.” Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs.

“I’m here in response to your personal ad,” he says. “I don’t have arms, so I can’t beat you. And I don’t have legs, so I can’t run out on you.”

“But I need a good lover too,” she replies.

“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

[WildInTheWind]

Originally Posted by BTFLCHLD

A lady places a personal ad in the paper that reads, “Looking for a man who won’t beat me, won’t run out on me, and is good in bed.” Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs.

“I’m here in response to your personal ad,” he says. “I don’t have arms, so I can’t beat you. And I don’t have legs, so I can’t run out on you.”

“But I need a good lover too,” she replies.

“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

That is great....sounds like the perfect man.

[all the same]

This is much funnier when a chimp tells it. I downloaded it a while ago and it's a skit with a bunch of chimps telling jokes in a bar. Damn funny. Here's the joke:

A penguin is having engine trouble and heads to the mechanic to have his car looked at. The mechanic tells him to come back in an hour and he'll have the verdict. So, the penguin heads over to the 7-11 to buy some icecream. Penguins love icecream apparently. While he's eating the icecream he drips a bit on himself. He heads back to the mechanic's after the hour passes. The mechanic tells him "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin reponds "No, that's just a little icecream."

[BTFLCHLD]

The Way Children See Things!

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said ! with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.."

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[wondergirl9847]

Cute jokes!! Hee!!

[estranged4life]

is MRMC located in Muskogee, Oklahoma...Ahh, That felt so much better

F.U. MRMC and all of yer employees too

Brian "Full blown ab-so-lute HATRED for MRMC" j.

[amber]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks
past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"



The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, Come up and have some."



So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they share a
few puffs.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a
drink from the river.



Once at the river, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over
and falls into the water.

A Crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard, and helps him to the
side; then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"



The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint
with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the
river while taking a drink.



The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he
looks up and says, "Hey!



The monkey looks down and says...",....DUDE,.........how much water did
you drink?!!"

[ryan8472]

Here's one I liked. If you watched the Rock & Roll HOF ceremony this year, you probably heard Chrissie Hynde tell it.

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He walks into the room where his wife is, and says "I want to show you the pig I've been ****ing." The wife says "that's not a pig, it's a duck." And the husband says "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck." Ouch....

[WildInTheWind]

Originally Posted by ryan8472

Here's one I liked. If you watched the Rock & Roll HOF ceremony this year, you probably heard Chrissie Hynde tell it.

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He walks into the room where his wife is, and says "I want to show you the pig I've been ****ing." The wife says "that's not a pig, it's a duck." And the husband says "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck." Ouch....

That is so wrong!!!!

[GODDESS6]

Originally Posted by Gypsy-Rhiannon

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.

omg, i just read this...