I need some advice....

estranged4life · #1 02-15-2005, 05:49 PM

on what to say to someone that you now know for a fact is your sibling but you havent a clue what to say to this person.

I now can verify I have at least 1 older sibling (Possibly even another sister) that are even older than my oldest loser/brother, I don't know what I should say to my new sister Lesa...Can anyone give me advice, I am clueless on this subject.

amber · #2 02-15-2005, 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by estranged4life

on what to say to someone that you now know for a fact is your sibling but you havent a clue what to say to this person.

I now can verify I have at least 1 older sibling (Possibly even another sister) that are even older than my oldest loser/brother, I don't know what I should say to my new sister Lesa...Can anyone give me advice, I am clueless on this subject.

Does she know she is your sister?

irishgrl · #3 02-15-2005, 07:19 PM

do you have a reason to "accidentally on purpose" run into her? do you see her often, and in a type of place that you would have a legit reason for being there too? Half the battle is access.....

I think I would use the direct approach: "Hi, your name is Lesa, right? Well, I wanted to meet you because I think we are related." Most people are curious about their relatives, and if you come across casual, I think it might work. Or maybe not.

She might be shy...do you know anything about her? btw: good luck. let us know how it works out...

estranged4life · #4 02-15-2005, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amber

Does she know she is your sister?

she is my older half-sister, Same Mother different Father...I knew I had an older half-sister, but now it's 2 older half-sisters.

She has been looking off-and-on for my Mother since 1984 and finally found her this year...It is cool to have a new sibling even though the circumstances have f**ked me up

Lesa finding Mom was strange in of itself, She found her/my Mother due in part to an online website/organization that helps those who were adopted to find their parents, The twist is that the website/organization is ran by my Uncle Donald's (My Mother's brother) ex-wife and (According to my brother) Lesa sent her some information/pictures/etc. to Aunt Judy, and my aunt recognized the name/info/etc. and easily put "2-and-2" together and located Lesa's Mother...

So long story short, I have yet another sister. At the 'moment' I NOW have 2 older half-sisters (1 of which I have yet to meet), A USELESS druggie/alcoholic lost cause HALF brother (Who was raised with me as just a brother, He is the one that started all the BS that led to me HATING his guts!!! If he died tomorrow that would be a day too soon

My new 2 sisters Christine & Lesa & USELESS brother Bill are Mom's children before my Mother married my 'Father'...Which I never knew that she was married before until last week

), My one TRUE "full" brother Geary & my 'father's' 2 daughters from his previous marriage Robin & Terry (My half-sister Robin was brutally murdered in 1989/1990)...There's also a possible younger half-sister that my Mother has told Geary (Just recently) & myself about, So who knows

The thing I am frightened of is that there's been evidence that I may not have the same Father that I ALWAYS LOVED & was led to believe was my true Father...My Mother let that slip years ago on around my 18th birthday when 'Dad's' disability benefits for his children ran out...I was able to spend the final check but after asking my Mother "who is Jim Wilkerson? It says he is cutting off the benefit to his child upon his child's 18th birthday), And I was the only child at home at the time...I never thought much about it til Super Bowl Sunday (As I watched my Eagles get thumped

) when I mentioned to Geary on the phone about this after jokingly saying "I wonder if we may have any older siblings that Mom has forgot to tell us about?", He responded right away "Ya never know"!!! Sounded weird the way he said it, But I thought maybe my cell phone cut out...So I didnt think nuthin' of it til Feb.8th.

That Tuesday my Mom called to see how I was doing, And how Deb is doin'...The usual trivial stuff...UNTIL she dropped the bomb on my ass and said "Are you sitting down I need to tell you something and I dont want you to get mad or upset...You remember the story I told you about having an older sister named Christine?" To which I replied "Yeah...And???", My Mother continued "Well you also have another sister named Lesa...And she just came into contact with me after searching off-an-on since 1984...".

I felt my world just fall to dust with that, And thought it sure seemed convient that I hear this 2 days after joking about it...Well, It seems Geary knew about Lesa and thus his odd response on the phone Sunday, But he decided it was Mom's place to tell me this secret because it was not his place to do it (He called me after Mom's call on Tuesday to ask "Did she tell you?"..."Yeah, pretty much...You knew didnt ya?" "Yeah, I was keepin' outta this one and told Mom so even though she wanted me to tell you, But I told Mom she had to tell you herself...I am staying out of yet another of Mom's secrets that seem to f**k us up even more than we already are.")

So fast forward to today...And I have a message on my voice mail from my new found sister Lesa, Who sounds very intelligent. I owe no bad will against her...I am saving that for my Mother!!! The proverbial B.S. (Not the B.S. which are my Mother's initials) WILL be hitting the fan soon, Geary & myself are going to find out the truth about Mom...And find out the truth about me, Geary stated "Even if we find out we do not have the same Father that does not change things like it has with that f**ktard Bill...You will always be my brother".

So my Ledgie family members, if you wanna know why my posts have gotten more hostile and po'd in nature, That is why...I am stressed out to a certain extent over this mess my Mother has caused.

Brian "Pick a new last name

" j.???

David · #5 02-15-2005, 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by irishgrl

I think I would use the direct approach: "Hi, your name is Lesa, right? Well, I wanted to meet you because I think we are related."

This is excellent.

Another option to consider is to write a letter introducing yourself, explaining the situation (including the names of your wife & siblings) & expressing interesting in a casual meeting -- say, lunch somewhere. Sign off with wishing her well, whether you two meet or not, & leave contact information.

amber · #6 02-15-2005, 08:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by estranged4life

she is my older half-sister, Same Mother different Father...I knew I had an older half-sister, but now it's 2 older half-sisters.

She has been looking off-and-on for my Mother since 1984 (She has talked to my older brother Geary a few times on the phone) and finally found her this year...

Finding her was strange in of itself, She found her/my Mother due in part to an online website/organization that helps those who were adopted to find their parents, The twist is that the website/organization is ran by my Uncle Donald's (My Mother's brother) ex-wife and (According to my brother) Lesa sent her some information/pictures/etc. to Aunt Judy, and my aunt recognized the name/info/etc. and easily put "2-and-2" together and located Lesa's Mother...So long story short, I have yet another sister. At the 'moment' I NOW have 2 older half-sisters (1 of which I have yet to meet), A USELESS druggie/alcoholic lost cause HALF brother (Who was raised with me as just a brother, He is the one that started all the BS that led to me HATING his guts!!! My 2 sisters Christine & Lesa & USELESS brother Bill are before my Mother married my 'Father'...Which I never knew that she was married before until last week

), My one TRUE "full" brother Geary & my 'father's' 2 daughters from his previous marriage Robin & Terry (My half-sister Robin was brutally murdered in 1989/1990)...There's also a possible younger half-sister that my Mother has told Geary (Just recently) & myself about, So who knows

The thing I am frightened of is that there's been evidence that I may not have the same Father that I ALWAYS LOVED & was led to believe was my true Father...My Mother let that slip years ago on around my 18th birthday when 'Dad's' disability benefits for his children ran out...I was able to spend the final check but after asking my Mother "who is Jim Wilkerson? It says he is cutting off the benefit to his child upon his child's 18th birthday), And I was the only child at home at the time...I never thought much about it til Super Bowl Sunday (As I watched my Eagles get thumped

) when I mentioned to Geary on the phone about this after jokingly saying "I wonder if we may have any older siblings that Mom has forgot to tell us about?", He responded right away "Ya never know"!!! Sounded weird the way he said it, But I thought maybe my cell phone cut out...So I didnt think nuthin' of it til Feb.8th.

That Tuesday my Mom called to see how I was doing, And how Deb is doin'...The usual trivial stuff...UNTIL she dropped the bomb on my ass and said "Are you sitting down I need to tell you something and I dont want you to get mad or upset...You remember the story I told you about having an older sister named Christine?" To which I replied "Yeah...And???", My Mother continued "Well you also have another sister named Lesa...And she just came into contact with me after searching off-an-on since 1984...".

I felt my world just fall to dust with that, And thought it sure seemed convient that I hear this 2 days after joking about it...Well, It seems Geary knew about Lesa and thus his odd response on the phone Sunday, But he decided it was Mom's place to tell me this secret because it was not his place to do it (He called me after Mom's call on Tuesday to ask "Did she tell you?"..."Yeah, pretty much...You knew didnt ya?" "Yeah, I was keepin' outta this one and told Mom so even though she wanted me to tell you, But I told Mom she had to tell you herself...I am staying out of yet another of Mom's secrets that seem to f**k us up even more than we already are.")

So fast forward to today...And I have a message on my voice mail from my new found sister Lesa, Who sounds very intelligent. I owe no bad will against her...I am saving that for my Mother!!! The proverbial B.S. (Not the B.S. which are my Mother's initials) WILL be hitting the fan soon, Geary & myself are going to find out the truth about Mom...And find out the truth about me, Geary stated "Even if we find out we do not have the same Father that does not change things like it has with that f**ktard Bill...You will always be my brother".

So my Ledgie family members, if you wanna know why my posts have gotten more hostile and po'd in nature, That is why...I am stressed out to a certain extent over this mess my Mother has caused.

Brian "Pick a new last name

" j.???

Gosh, Brian, I'm very sorry about all that - it's a strange and complex story.
But since your sister already left you a message, I would suggest saying "Hey - Very nice to meet you." And after all, you're still the same person. I hope you get through it ok, In fact, i hope you'll end up with some new family members that you really like. You deserve it. Maybe this will bring more happiness into your life.

(I know that sounds dumb, but i don't really know what to say

Basically, I'm just pulling for you to be happy)

DrummerDeanna · #7 02-15-2005, 08:10 PM

Wow Brian - that's heavy!!

I really have no good advice to give - but I mean she contacted you first - so just call her back or whatever and yeah - just introduce yourself - and perhaps she already has stuff to say to you too

Wow - I really wish you good luck with this whole situation...

SuzeQuze · #8 02-15-2005, 08:11 PM

Brian, this all seems very confusing and painful for you, it sucks. Since Lesa contacted you it seems she is open to meeting you. A friend of mine just walked up to someone who she knew was her cousin and told him so. He just lost a sister and both of his parents so he was very happy to meet her and know that he had more family. This wasn't due to a deliberate witholding of the truth though. But I just wanted to share with you since this had such a positive outcome and my friend was so nervous to tell him.

One thing I've wanted to say is, however twisted this all is, I'm sure your mother believed she was protecting you by keeping these things from you. Hopefully someday you can forgive her. Until then, scream, wack pillows, whatever it takes to get it out without actually killing anyone

I hope that when you do talk to Lesa that it goes well. Good luck with everything and take good care of yourself during all of this.

estranged4life · #9 02-15-2005, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrummerDeanna

Wow Brian - that's heavy!!

I really have no good advice to give - but I mean she contacted you first - so just call her back or whatever and yeah - just introduce yourself - and perhaps she already has stuff to say to you too

Wow - I really wish you good luck with this whole situation...

Lesa in about an hour (My cellphone allows for unlimited calls after 8PM) and get to know her, It's great to know that their is someone else in the world who can relate to OUR families disfunction

I guess it's like Geary said "Mom ran her mouth all the time about stuff, We never knew if they were stories or true, But now she CANNOT get out of it this time...That's why she is questioning if Lesa is her daughter, But trust me...When you talk to her you'll know she is our sister."

Kinda strange, But I sure seem to have alotta new relatives in California that I never knew existed til the past 10 years...Now a sister in California, Weird

estranged4life · #10 02-15-2005, 08:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuzeQuze

One thing I've wanted to say is, however twisted this all is, I'm sure your mother believed she was protecting you by keeping these things from you. Hopefully someday you can forgive her. Until then, scream, wack pillows, whatever it takes to get it out without actually killing anyone

I don't hate my Mother (yet)...But she needs to come clean with the WHOLE truth (Which includes why she always told me year-after-year that my 'Father's' family wanted NOTHING to do with me whatsoever when Geary told me 'Dad's family' "Ask about you each time I visit 'em...Matter-of-fact they ask that each and everytime and wish you would visit since you're a j. family member" which contradicts what I heard.) cause I dont honestly think she was protecting us as much as she was covering her ass all these years, "It's hard to smell like roses when you keep pissing on the thorns" (Forgiveness won't work on Geary after the life we had to live through after 'Dad' died...I have always been the more forgiving one, But lately the forgiveness factor has gone the way of the dinosaurs; Yep...Extinct!)

SuzeQuze · #11 02-15-2005, 08:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by estranged4life

I don't hate my Mother (yet)...But she needs to come clean with the WHOLE truth (Which includes why she always told me year-after-year that my 'Father's' family wanted NOTHING to do with me whatsoever when Geary told me 'Dad's family' "Ask about you each time I visit 'em...Matter-of-fact they ask that each and everytime and wish you would visit since you're a j. family member" which contradicts what I heard.) cause I dont honestly think she was protecting us as much as she was covering her ass all these years, "It's hard to smell like roses when you keep pissing on the thorns" (Forgiveness won't work on Geary after the life we had to live through after 'Dad' died...I have always been the more forgiving one, But lately the forgiveness factor has gone the way of the dinosaurs; Yep...Extinct!)

Well, there is no rule that you have to forgive her. It seems she's been very selfish (understatement), I'm sorry you have to go through all this BS. I hope you and your sister hit it off.

estranged4life · #12 02-16-2005, 05:15 AM

I talked to Lesa and all I can say is WOW! We are too similar in looks, attitude, sayings & beliefs...and music!!! Yes...yes...Yes!!!!!!! Someone of the same blood has the almost near identical taste in music and is also trained on a musical instrument...WOW!!!

We talked for over 5 hours (!!!) about everything under the sun, and then some....There's no way possible she is not my older sister, She did her research and nailed everything on the head, crossed each "t" and dotted each "i" in her research as far as the adoption laws of Oklahoma would allow

She is the most intelligent person I have talked to in years, And it is scary that we are so extremely similar...Can ya say Deja-vu? It was like talking to a reflection in the mirror

I am the happiest I have been in a while (Since last June when Deb started on the road to a first year of being cancer free!) and I hope this feeling does not leave anytime soon

Really cool is that Lesa has already located & talked to our OLDEST SISTER Christina, And will give her my phone # and email info, Lesa says that I will like Christina since she is somewhat similar to us...But the thing that sucks, Is that I am still stuck as being THE BABY (ie-the youngest)!!!

I can forgive my Mom over my newfound loving SISTER Lesa (Wow, that word seems great to say S-I-S-T-E-R!!!), all the BS is under the water in that regard...Just have to work on the BS in regard to my 'Father's' family

strandinthewind · #13 02-16-2005, 06:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by estranged4life

I talked to Lesa and all I can say is WOW! We are too similar in looks, attitude, sayings & beliefs...and music!!! Yes...yes...Yes!!!!!!! Someone of the same bood has the near identical taste in music and is also trained on a musical instrument...WOW!!!

We talked for over 5 hours (!!!) about everything under the sun, and then some....There's no way possible she is not my older sister, She did her research and nailed everything on the head, crossed each "t" and dotted each "i" in her research as far as the adoption laws of Oklahoma would allow

She is the most intelligent person I have talked to in years, And it is scary that we are so extremely similar...Can ya say Deja-vu? It was like talking to a reflection in the mirror

I am the happiest I have been in a while (Since last June when Deb started on the road to a first year of being cancer free!) and I hope this feeling does not leave anytime soon

Really cool is that Lesa has already located & talked to our OLDEST SISTER Christina, And will give her my phone # and email info, Lesa says that I will like Christina since she is somewhat similar to us...But the thing that sucks, Is that I am still stuck as being THE BABY (ie-the youngest)!!!

I can forgive my Mom over my newfound loving SISTER Lesa (Wow, that word seems great to say S-I-S-T-E-R!!!), all the BS is under the water in that regard...Just have to work on the BS in regard to my 'Father's' family

I am SOOOOOOOO happy things seems to be working out for the best.

And - I am the baby and it was and is great

Though I have never had this drama in my life, I have had drama. I find that I have to concentrate on myself and ignore everyone else in it. What I mean by that is all the drama of your mom having more kids, your dad not being your dad, etc. - all of that was caused by things you could not control and that are in the past so to speak. Though the ramifications must be dealt with now by you and that situation and the sudden finding out about it sucks, being angry about the past, at least for too long

, serves no purpose other than to drive you crazy. To quote a very wise songstress "take on the situation - not the torment!" (and Brian J. - I know that you'll go on forever - you're that good!") - So, if your dad is not your biological father - in a nut shell so what. If you loved the guy like he was, that is more than most or at least some have in a lifetime. I mean that you did not share the same DNA is mostly irrelevant because you got to share the love. Granted, it is easy for someone uninvolved to say that and the lying aspect of that situation does suck. But, I guess I am saying look at the positive aspects of it, which again is that you had at least a father figure that you admired and have always loved - that is great thing.

Plus, you have Debbie, who by your reports seems very wise in most matters, very supportive, and very blunt with her opinion which often is needed in a cloudy situation like this. So, take stock in that ally - a loving family member who is somewhat separated from that drama could do a world of good!!!!

Anyway - my $0.02!!!!!!!

P.S. If things get too much - there is always the punching bag at the local Y - people may laugh at that - but if I hit on that bag for 30 minutes, I feel a sense of release and relief.

irishgrl · #14 02-16-2005, 07:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by estranged4life

I talked to Lesa and all I can say is WOW! We are too similar in looks, attitude, sayings & beliefs...and music!!! Yes...yes...Yes!!!!!!! Someone of the same bood has the near identical taste in music and is also trained on a musical instrument...WOW!!!

We talked for over 5 hours (!!!) about everything under the sun, and then some....There's no way possible she is not my older sister, She did her research and nailed everything on the head, crossed each "t" and dotted each "i" in her research as far as the adoption laws of Oklahoma would allow

She is the most intelligent person I have talked to in years, And it is scary that we are so extremely similar...Can ya say Deja-vu? It was like talking to a reflection in the mirror

I am the happiest I have been in a while (Since last June when Deb started on the road to a first year of being cancer free!) and I hope this feeling does not leave anytime soon

Really cool is that Lesa has already located & talked to our OLDEST SISTER Christina, And will give her my phone # and email info, Lesa says that I will like Christina since she is somewhat similar to us...But the thing that sucks, Is that I am still stuck as being THE BABY (ie-the youngest)!!!

I can forgive my Mom over my newfound loving SISTER Lesa (Wow, that word seems great to say S-I-S-T-E-R!!!), all the BS is under the water in that regard...Just have to work on the BS in regard to my 'Father's' family

Brian: when I posted my original suggestion, I thought you knew about HER, but she didnt know about YOU. Obviously, since she does know about you and has taken the step to find her (your) mother, she WANTS to know you.

fast forward to your phone call from Lesa, I am very happy to hear you hit it off so well! wonderful news! Its like a happy ending to a story you never knew existed! Par-tay! Now, for your mom, I dont know what her justification is for why she handled things the way she did, but she must have SOME reason for doing that. Hopefully she will level with you and then you two can work thru it. Secrets can be a bummer sometimes...
anyway, glad that it all worked out ok with Lesa!

SuzeQuze · #15 02-16-2005, 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by estranged4life

I talked to Lesa and all I can say is WOW! We are too similar in looks, attitude, sayings & beliefs...and music!!! Yes...yes...Yes!!!!!!! Someone of the same blood has the almost near identical taste in music and is also trained on a musical instrument...WOW!!!

We talked for over 5 hours (!!!) about everything under the sun, and then some....There's no way possible she is not my older sister, She did her research and nailed everything on the head, crossed each "t" and dotted each "i" in her research as far as the adoption laws of Oklahoma would allow

She is the most intelligent person I have talked to in years, And it is scary that we are so extremely similar...Can ya say Deja-vu? It was like talking to a reflection in the mirror

I am the happiest I have been in a while (Since last June when Deb started on the road to a first year of being cancer free!) and I hope this feeling does not leave anytime soon

Really cool is that Lesa has already located & talked to our OLDEST SISTER Christina, And will give her my phone # and email info, Lesa says that I will like Christina since she is somewhat similar to us...But the thing that sucks, Is that I am still stuck as being THE BABY (ie-the youngest)!!!

I can forgive my Mom over my newfound loving SISTER Lesa (Wow, that word seems great to say S-I-S-T-E-R!!!), all the BS is under the water in that regard...Just have to work on the BS in regard to my 'Father's' family

Wow. This is what I thought might happen for you and I am SO GLAD it did! Congratulations on your newfound, fabulous sister!

I am happy to read that you are so happy.