JTIS My Emotional Baggage

[Sleepless-Child]

I'm not good at philosophy, or psychology, or whatever.
I know, and i'm even sure, that the relationship you have with this guy is a toxic one, and that's you are missing the most important here : yourself.
It's like you're living through him. You need to be THAT important to him. I totally get it, i had this type of relationship with a friend, and it was crazy. We were arguing all the time, but i was omnipresent. I wanted to be THE one, you know. I finally let it go. It was a huge relief, and i am now ten times happier, seriously.
I just decided to be selfish, to find out what the real important things are. I discovered that my relationship with this person wasn't the problem in the first place : i just needed to fulfill this desire to be important, and it's even more fulfilling with people you know aren't really "good at relationships" : people that seem to not care. And you're sure you'll be the one who will change their minds...
I'm not sure if this is the case for you. That's just how i see it. On a positive side, now that i feel comfortable with myself, and now that i don't need to be that important to this person, we're friends again. She didn't miss me, and i didn't miss her. But it's all natural now, we like each other, because in the first place we had this great connection (and destroyed it). My point is, he isn't the problem. The relationship just seems to be the problem. The problem is you, and your need to feel important. That's why SuzeQuze is a genius here.

I'm sorry if this post is a mess, i just find your story really touching, and i know how hard it is. Really, take care. Don't let this thing destroy you. You have a life besides this relationship. And i'm sure you have a lot of things to offer to a lot of different people. Being conscious of your own mistakes is already a step toward positive selfishness.

[camchristo]

Originally Posted by LikeAWillow

I don't even necessarily want him to miss me and want me back, though. I just want him to not be in this destructive pattern anymore. Distancing myself from the place where he lives is just absolutely not an option. You know how much I hate Wellesley and how depressed I get if I'm stuck here all the time...well, he and our friends know that, too, and the fact that they let me live in their frat rent free for half the year is too incredible to turn my back on them now (I also have responsibilities and a role at the frat.)

Off topic, are you still thinking about transferring from Wellesley or are you going to stick it out and finish?

If you can't distance yourself from the house, I would still try to distance myself from him, if at all possible. If you want to stop the destructive pattern, you have to start with you because you can't make him change. If he says things that piss you off and make you want to start screaming, you just have to walk away. Maybe by you changing the pattern, it will break the cycle (Lindsey) and he'll gradually start to change the pattern as well.

I do fall hard. I don't really mind that part at all. I've loved three people, lived with all of them at some point, and really felt like I could have put in the effort to make it work in a long-term way. The problem, I think, is that I'm crazy and I go for crazy people. So it doesn't work. And then you're right, I don't let go, because I think it should work. If this guy were on meds, we wouldn't have this problem right now, but he refuses to consider them. So I sit around blaming a disease and not us, and who wants to give in to something that isn't their fault? But I really don't believe that I do it because I need to be with someone. I would be happy being with any of the three people I mentioned right now or being alone. I don't even really consider it a bad thing that I still think I'm compatible with and would go back to the other two, if the circumstances were right

Or, if he were on meds, it might change his personality so much that you would not like the person he became. I don't think it has to be anyone's fault. You and him just don't work. At least not now. And I don't think it's bad that you consider yourself compatible with those three people. There are plenty of people you can be compatible with but not be in a relationship with. The circumstances might not ever be right with any of those three. I'm not saying you feel like you have to be with someone because I don't get that vibe from you. But the things you think need to change about those people in order for a relationship to work are things that they maybe don't think need to change and never will. Does that make sense? I'm kind of just rambling. Sometimes the more you try to talk someone into seeing it from your point of view, the more they resist. At some point you'll find someone and all the circumstances will just be right, without one of you having to make major changes.

I hope you to can at least come to peace enough with the situation that your living there over the summer does not make you both miserable.

[-Lillith-]

It seems to be very hard for you but i think i agree with the most that is said here. You should try to get more distance from him.
being around people that bring you down is toxic. It will only make you feel worse.

Do have people outside the groups you and him hang with?
Persons who are not so much confronted with what is happening?

It s a diffrent thing but i had a very best friend, we called each other soul mates and i realized i have to let her go.

I know it can be very didfficult to let somebody who is really important to you go.
Once we had a incredible connection to each other, then she changed, got Psycho Pharma Pills and so on. Her character changed... a lot..
I decided to be there for her. Always.
But last year i found out that i dont mean a lot to her anymore, she doesnt care about it anymore and told me really heavy lies.
It took me a while to get the pieces togheter. When i found out about one lie and asked her why , she pretended it wasnt even a big deal.
Its along sad story, much too long to bother you with all the details in here..

But,
The point is i was suffering from that as well, she was so very important to me, but since i really understood that it is better to stay away, i feel much better.
Because i dont believe any absolutely crazy lies anymore and care for them.
I dont have to feel that negativity anymore, she gave me the last time.

Thats why i would say, thou its still a diffrent thing, try to let go, or at least to find things outside all of this and get distance.

All the best, please keep ur head up! I really tried to say something, i dont have too much experience in serious Love relationships. But that was one of the longtime really really close Persons who used to be very important to me, recently.

[-Lillith-]

Oh and about the drama at school i told you already.
Over as well...

Keep your head up !

[carrie721]

Originally Posted by daniellaaarisen

Knowing Marissa, I couldn't agree more. You're prone to addictions and this wouldn't be the first time I've heard you talk about a guy like this.

That being said, I'll give you a more detailed response later today... on my way to class.

awful sassy for someone who complains when other people get judge-y about her posts.

[LikeAWillow]

Originally Posted by camchristo

Off topic, are you still thinking about transferring from Wellesley or are you going to stick it out and finish?

LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS. THIS MAKES ME HAPPIER Yup! I decided to stick it out, and I'm so happy that I did. I'm graduating next spring with honors after finishing a thesis on Paradise Lost. I'm so excited. I never would have made it through if I hadn't found MIT, though. I should have been taking advantage of our cross-registration with them from the beginning. My classes there are such a welcome break from Wellesley, and the dynamic at the school is just, in general, so much more welcoming than Wellesley is.

If you can't distance yourself from the house, I would still try to distance myself from him, if at all possible. If you want to stop the destructive pattern, you have to start with you because you can't make him change. If he says things that piss you off and make you want to start screaming, you just have to walk away. Maybe by you changing the pattern, it will break the cycle (Lindsey) and he'll gradually start to change the pattern as well.

This is what I'm sincerely hoping. Our friends and I are going out this Friday (I got it into my head that I wanted to go on a ghost tour in April. I don't even know.), and I've been going back and forth on whether to invite him or not. You have to understand that my friends are his best friends. We refer to ourselves as a "the group." Not inviting him, part of the group, is ****ty. Inviting him, again, even as just part of the group, sets us up to argue all night and feel uncomfortable. I ended up asking a member of the group to casually mention it to him so that he knew he wasn't excluded but didn't feel like I was asking because I really wanted him there. Blah, such stupid politics. Again, I really wish that he were in a place where I could just have an honest conversation with him, but that's just not how it can go.

I hope you to can at least come to peace enough with the situation that your living there over the summer does not make you both miserable.

Me, too. Thank you

[LikeAWillow]

Originally Posted by Sleepless-Child

I'm sorry if this post is a mess, i just find your story really touching, and i know how hard it is. Really, take care. Don't let this thing destroy you. You have a life besides this relationship. And i'm sure you have a lot of things to offer to a lot of different people. Being conscious of your own mistakes is already a step toward positive selfishness.

Thank you so much. I really, really, REALLY like the phrase "positive selfishness." Thank you for sharing your story as well. I think FM fans have this wonderful tendency for f*cked up bonds We should get them out to the people who understand.

[LikeAWillow]

Originally Posted by -Lillith-

It seems to be very hard for you but i think i agree with the most that is said here. You should try to get more distance from him.
being around people that bring you down is toxic. It will only make you feel worse.

Do have people outside the groups you and him hang with?
Persons who are not so much confronted with what is happening?

I have one group of friends who are unconnected to him, but for the most part, I hang out at his frat. It's kind of a hard (and it sounds really idiotic) dynamic to explain, but I'm the girl who organizes everything. Dinner out somewhere in Boston for the night? I'm sending the emails and making the facebook event. Girls who frequent this frat haven't seen enough of each other? I'm knocking on doors. Again, sound stupid, but it's a strange combination of an office in an org and a way I interact with my friends. Blah.

It s a diffrent thing but i had a very best friend, we called each other soul mates and i realized i have to let her go.

I know it can be very didfficult to let somebody who is really important to you go.
Once we had a incredible connection to each other, then she changed, got Psycho Pharma Pills and so on. Her character changed... a lot..
I decided to be there for her. Always.
But last year i found out that i dont mean a lot to her anymore, she doesnt care about it anymore and told me really heavy lies.
It took me a while to get the pieces togheter. When i found out about one lie and asked her why , she pretended it wasnt even a big deal.
Its along sad story, much too long to bother you with all the details in here..

But,
The point is i was suffering from that as well, she was so very important to me, but since i really understood that it is better to stay away, i feel much better.
Because i dont believe any absolutely crazy lies anymore and care for them.
I dont have to feel that negativity anymore, she gave me the last time.

Thats why i would say, thou its still a diffrent thing, try to let go, or at least to find things outside all of this and get distance.

Thanks for telling me about your friend. Ugh. I'm really sorry. In a lot of ways, I think friends can hurt you more than significant others because there's never the expectation that they'll go.

All the best, please keep ur head up! I really tried to say something, i dont have too much experience in serious Love relationships. But that was one of the longtime really really close Persons who used to be very important to me, recently.

Thank you, again.

[LikeAWillow]

Originally Posted by carrie721

awful sassy for someone who complains when other people get judge-y about her posts.

Babydoll, can I tell you that everytime I go to angst out to Adele now, I just think of you and smile? SONG REDEMPTION.

[carrie721]

Originally Posted by LikeAWillow

Babydoll, can I tell you that everytime I go to angst out to Adele now, I just think of you and smile? SONG REDEMPTION.

rollin' in the deep!

[LikeAWillow]

Originally Posted by carrie721

rollin' in the deep!

Rollin' in the DRUNK right now. Best Wellesley friend's 21st birthday tonight She just barged into my room saying my facebook status might be making fun of her and her bed feels like a boat. I call that a successful birthday.

[carrie721]

Originally Posted by LikeAWillow

Rollin' in the DRUNK right now. Best Wellesley friend's 21st birthday tonight She just barged into my room saying my facebook status might be making fun of her and her bed feels like a boat. I call that a successful birthday.

does not get better than that.

[daniellaaarisen]

Originally Posted by carrie721

awful sassy for someone who complains when other people get judge-y about her posts.

I know Marissa well and she knows I'm not attacking her or judging her. We've had conversations about these things.

Dude, stop being a b*tch to me when I don't deserve it.

[carrie721]

Originally Posted by daniellaaarisen

I know Marissa well and she knows I'm not attacking her or judging her. We've had conversations about these things.

Dude, stop being a b*tch to me when I don't deserve it.

LOL.

tencharacters.

[SuzeQuze]

Originally Posted by Sleepless-Child

I'm not good at philosophy, or psychology, or whatever.
I know, and i'm even sure, that the relationship you have with this guy is a toxic one, and that's you are missing the most important here : yourself.
It's like you're living through him. You need to be THAT important to him. I totally get it, i had this type of relationship with a friend, and it was crazy. We were arguing all the time, but i was omnipresent. I wanted to be THE one, you know. I finally let it go. It was a huge relief, and i am now ten times happier, seriously.
I just decided to be selfish, to find out what the real important things are. I discovered that my relationship with this person wasn't the problem in the first place : i just needed to fulfill this desire to be important, and it's even more fulfilling with people you know aren't really "good at relationships" : people that seem to not care. And you're sure you'll be the one who will change their minds...
I'm not sure if this is the case for you. That's just how i see it. On a positive side, now that i feel comfortable with myself, and now that i don't need to be that important to this person, we're friends again. She didn't miss me, and i didn't miss her. But it's all natural now, we like each other, because in the first place we had this great connection (and destroyed it). My point is, he isn't the problem. The relationship just seems to be the problem. The problem is you, and your need to feel important. That's why SuzeQuze is a genius here.

I'm sorry if this post is a mess, i just find your story really touching, and i know how hard it is. Really, take care. Don't let this thing destroy you. You have a life besides this relationship. And i'm sure you have a lot of things to offer to a lot of different people. Being conscious of your own mistakes is already a step toward positive selfishness.

Your post isn't a mess and makes perfect sense. Thanks for your compliment.

Yes LikeAWillow, be selfish. Put yourself at the top of your priority list. Without yourself you don't have anything. Find something more positive to fill you up. Give of yourself where it is safe, welcomed, and appreciated. Don't give to people who don't want to receive. It's a waste of your energy and ultimately yourself.