JTIS My Emotional Baggage

[LikeAWillow]

Alright. We have the JTIS thread. We have TMI. I think there's a middle ground missing, though: RELATIONSHIP ISSUES. I was going to make my own thread tonight asking for advice about something going on in my life, but really, I'm not interesting enough for my own thread, and I think a place where we can all chime in and rant/rave/help each other is a much better addition to the forum.

So here's my ish--

I have a friend whom I've been harboring feelings towards for about six months now. Before I get into it, I'd really like to ask that anyone who can identify him from facebook/conversation/general connection making skills, please don't mention him by name on here. He's a pretty successful guy and the idea of any of this being tied to him is pretty gross. That said...

This whole thing started in October when I pursued him pretty actively. We had known each other for a little under a year before that, and we had always gotten along very well, but we aren't two people whom anyone would usually pair together as anything more than friends. He's a theoretical physicist and fits every stereotype you have in your mind about that. You guys know me. I'm not dumb, but I don't fit the typical nerd box, let alone epitomize nerd. He's brilliant, though, in a way that absolutely blows me away, and he's strong, funny, and one of the most decent people I've ever met. I liked him a lot then, and I wanted to get to know him better, so I came on strong and he took me up on it. We started a fling, and it was definitely a lot of fun while it lasted. Around December, though, he ended things for some reasons that were pretty hard to deal with. To put it at its absolute mildest, he doesn't do emotions well, but really there's about a canyon between saying that and the reality of it. I tried to handle it gracefully, but I couldn't. I had fallen for him pretty hard by that point and watching something good slip away for what didn't seem like a valid reason at all was really tough for me.

So naturally I went crazy. I drank too much, I caused scenes, I sank to levels of absolute insanity that I can't articulate here. The way I acted still literally causes me too much embarrassment to think about. Like I said, though, he's a decent man. He accepted my complete and utter lack of an apology (I'm assuming, in part, because he fairly thinks that some of my crazy was justified) when, after about a month of my bullsh*t, I showed up at his door wanting to hang out with our old group. And hang out with them I did. Just about every night for the next month while we were all on winter vacation. And for the most part, that month was good. We were walking on eggshells around each other, and if it was too cordial to actually be friendly, at least it wasn't rude.

Fast forward to February-Now. The walking on eggshells phase ended. I don't even know how. Now I see him every Thursday to Sunday and all we do is fight with each other. We used to jokingly argue because we're both stubborn and (me at times, him ALWAYS) fairly arrogant, and when it was joking, it was fun. But there are no jokes anymore. I act like a bitch, and I can't seem to help it, and he treats me as if my presence is the single greatest inconvenience in his life. Things escalated this weekend when a mutual friend of ours decided she was going to step in for every rude comment he made, and it came to a head when he was incredibly disrespectful to me at a party (yelling that I need to stop talking when I don't know what I'm talking about, among other things) in front of all of our friends. I felt terrible, everyone around us was uncomfortable, and for the first time, I truly felt like he really couldn't stand me.

And now I don't know what to do. We have the exact same friends group. We're living in the same house this summer. He won't have a conversation with me about any of this. I still care about him. I know the answer is probably distance myself, but I can't tell you how badly I don't want to do that. Like I said, I care about him, and I care about all of our mutual friends, and...ugh, this is where it gets even weirder....I've never met anyone who thinks about things the way that he does, and I don't want to lose the chance to have conversations with him. It's intellectual selfish and emotionally idiotic, but I can't help it.

I'll probably be seeing him this Thursday night, and if not Thursday for some reason, I'll definitely see him on Friday. I always start out trying to treat him well and like any other friend, but when he doesn't reciprocate that, I fall right back into the pattern of yelling and bitching and just being really unpleasant. I'm going to put in more effort than I ever have to hold back on all of that, though. I really just don't know what else to do. I just know I'm sick of feeling so miserable, and I wish we could sort this out and be friends.

[LikeAWillow]

Clearly judging from the novel I just wrote at 3 am, I'm really doing well with the whole situation

[Tango]

I don't know either of you at all, but in a fast read of this lengthy description I'm guessing perhaps he is someone that would rather do the "chasing." You're taking the whole motivation away if this is his thing. Back off. Don't do the summer house? Maybe it's not meant to be--there's billions of people in the world. But if it is, let him make the moves. You've already tried your way: "pursued him pretty actively" and it didn't go so well.

[LikeAWillow]

Originally Posted by Tango

I don't know either of you at all, but in a fast read of this lengthy description I'm guessing perhaps he is someone that would rather do the "chasing." You're taking the whole motivation away if this is his thing. Back off. Don't do the summer house? Maybe it's not meant to be--there's billions of people in the world. But if it is, let him make the moves. You've already tried your way: "pursued him pretty actively" and it didn't go so well.

Thanks I'm definitely backing off. I talked to Carrie721 for awhile last night, and she's basically lived the same situation, and thinks distance really is the only answer....and I definitely agree. The whole thing is not healthy, and if we're ever going to be friends again, this pattern can't continue.

OTHER PEOPLE USE THE THREAD TO GET YOUR ANGST OUT TOO

[SuzeQuze]

If you're attracted to someone who's ignoring you or being abusive and you can't stop going toward them it might be love addiction. It's usually a subconscious recreation of feelings of abandonment and trauma that you had as a child. We're attracted to what we got when we were children. It is important to get away from this person and if you can't on your own to get some help with it. I know how hard this is and I wish you strength to get through it!

[LikeAWillow]

Originally Posted by SuzeQuze

If you're attracted to someone who's ignoring you or being abusive and you can't stop going toward them it might be love addiction. It's usually a subconscious recreation of feelings of abandonment and trauma that you had as a child. We're attracted to what we got when we were children. It is important to get away from this person and if you can't on your own to get some help with it. I know how hard this is and I wish you strength to get through it!

Thanks, Suze. It's hard to admit it, but I know this is right. How the hell do you teach yourself new patterns, though? Honestly, although I know it sounds stupid, really being honest about what's going on (even if just to a message board), has made me come out of a bit of the denial stage, and I actually feel some real impulse to change it now that I didn't before.......but I don't know if I've ever been attracted to an actually healthy relationship. Is that something you can even learn?

[daniellaaarisen]

Originally Posted by SuzeQuze

If you're attracted to someone who's ignoring you or being abusive and you can't stop going toward them it might be love addiction. It's usually a subconscious recreation of feelings of abandonment and trauma that you had as a child. We're attracted to what we got when we were children. It is important to get away from this person and if you can't on your own to get some help with it. I know how hard this is and I wish you strength to get through it!

Knowing Marissa, I couldn't agree more. You're prone to addictions and this wouldn't be the first time I've heard you talk about a guy like this.

That being said, I'll give you a more detailed response later today... on my way to class.

[SuzeQuze]

Originally Posted by LikeAWillow

Thanks, Suze. It's hard to admit it, but I know this is right. How the hell do you teach yourself new patterns, though? Honestly, although I know it sounds stupid, really being honest about what's going on (even if just to a message board), has made me come out of a bit of the denial stage, and I actually feel some real impulse to change it now that I didn't before.......but I don't know if I've ever been attracted to an actually healthy relationship. Is that something you can even learn?

It requires getting some help. Facing Love Addiction is a good book. http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Love-Ad...3832852&sr=8-1 There's Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. A therapist who knows how to treat this can help. Also watch and listen to Dr. Drew, I love that man. If you listen to Loveline most of the calls about relationship and sexual issues boil down to these issues. It's really an issue of not being able to tolerate real intimacy and closeness.

Every time you see the object of your fixation it's like taking a hit. But it's an empty upper that leads to an inevitable downer. Recognizing and admitting the pattern is a great start!

[LikeAWillow]

Originally Posted by SuzeQuze

It requires getting some help. Facing Love Addiction is a good book. http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Love-Ad...3832852&sr=8-1 There's Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. A therapist who knows how to treat this can help. Also watch and listen to Dr. Drew, I love that man. If you listen to Loveline most of the calls about relationship and sexual issues boil down to these issues. It's really an issue of not being able to tolerate real intimacy and closeness.

Every time you see the object of your fixation it's like taking a hit. But it's an empty upper that leads to an inevitable downer. Recognizing and admitting the pattern is a great start!

Thank you so, so much. I really appreciate your help. I can't tell you how much this whole thing has really been upsetting me, and I'm not someone who opens up very easily, so posting the whole thing was really hard. I'm going to check out the book now. I don't know if I can manage therapy because, like I said, the whole idea of opening up makes me so physically uncomfortable, but I do appreciate what you've said so much.

[BTFLCHLD]

(((((willow))))) im wondering if your reasoning for wanting to make this relationship work also has something to do with how messy you believe you behaved and how he is NOW behaving towards you. based on what im reading, it seems you have both seen the ugly sides and should that happen, pretty much doomed for chit. IMO if a relationship isn't sweet through and through, there is no true love. Friends? "no friend of mine behaves that way!"

Thanks for opening up this topic; I am sure many of us can relate.

Thanks Suze for your positive insight.

[LikeAWillow]

Originally Posted by BTFLCHLD

(((((willow))))) im wondering if your reasoning for wanting to make this relationship work also has something to do with how messy you believe you behaved and how he is NOW behaving towards you. based on what im reading, it seems you have both seen the ugly sides and should that happen, pretty much doomed for chit. IMO if a relationship isn't sweet through and through, there is no true love. Friends? "no friend of mine behaves that way!"

Thanks for opening up this topic; I am sure many of us can relate.

Thanks Suze for your positive insight.

Thanks for the hug . I'm such a dork, but it helps So sad. I think you might be right about wanting to make it work in some ways because I did behave so sloppily. I work really hard to keep a tight leash on my crazy day to day ( ...but really), and since I've let it out, I feel like I need to fix it. And I SHOULDN'T let any friend of mine behave that way.

I hope other people share experiences. I really didn't want this to just be about me.

[SuzeQuze]

Originally Posted by LikeAWillow

Thank you so, so much. I really appreciate your help. I can't tell you how much this whole thing has really been upsetting me, and I'm not someone who opens up very easily, so posting the whole thing was really hard. I'm going to check out the book now. I don't know if I can manage therapy because, like I said, the whole idea of opening up makes me so physically uncomfortable, but I do appreciate what you've said so much.

You're welcome. Millions of people deal with this issue, you are not alone.

[mezzoforte]

Is there an way to avoid living with him this summer? I totally get why you want to maintain some connection--especially since his instability played a huge role. You can't fix his compulsions, and the drive to stay tied to him in some way (even a destructive one) is pretty understandable. But it seems like just being around each other isn't healthy and brings out the worst (I think you know this.)

Not that there's an easy way out--if you're in the same friend group, you're going to see each other. I guess I would just advise keeping your distance to the extent that that's possible, and doing what you can to look out for yourself here. And in the meantime, dumping things out online whenever you need to, because hey, sometimes it helps

[camchristo]

Marissa, if you are always around, making yourself available, there is never a chance for him to miss you. This might sting, but even if you distance yourself, he might never miss you. But it's just a chance you have to take. If you don't, you are going to continue down this destructive path with each other and end up hating each other. If you do, you guys might realize you belong together and work it out. Or you might realize you really don't belong together and that being around him all the time was clouding your judgment, ie you might just want him because you can't have him.

From afar, your love life seems like quite a whirlwind. I've seen/read/heard of some of your relationships and it seems like when you fall, you fall hard. And sometimes, when it's over, you don't let go. You circle back around to some of the same relationships over and over. Is it because of the familiarity?

Don't hold on to past relationships because you are afraid of not being able to find another one. I made that mistake several times and stayed in relationships for far too long because it was scary to start over. Even though it sucks, moving on is so worth it when the relationship no longer is.

[LikeAWillow]

Originally Posted by mezzoforte

Is there an way to avoid living with him this summer? I totally get why you want to maintain some connection--especially since his instability played a huge role. You can't fix his compulsions, and the drive to stay tied to him in some way (even a destructive one) is pretty understandable. But it seems like just being around each other isn't healthy and brings out the worst (I think you know this.)

Not that there's an easy way out--if you're in the same friend group, you're going to see each other. I guess I would just advise keeping your distance to the extent that that's possible, and doing what you can to look out for yourself here. And in the meantime, dumping things out online whenever you need to, because hey, sometimes it helps

Thank you for answering, even though you've had to hear too much about this already There's no way I can avoid living with him. He's in "my" frat, so he'll be staying there for the summer, and the rent price they offered me isn't going to come up anywhere else in Boston...and my internship is here I asked that we be on different sides of the house, but I don't know how much that will really do.

Marissa, if you are always around, making yourself available, there is never a chance for him to miss you. This might sting, but even if you distance yourself, he might never miss you. But it's just a chance you have to take. If you don't, you are going to continue down this destructive path with each other and end up hating each other. If you do, you guys might realize you belong together and work it out. Or you might realize you really don't belong together and that being around him all the time was clouding your judgment, ie you might just want him because you can't have him.

From afar, your love life seems like quite a whirlwind. I've seen/read/heard of some of your relationships and it seems like when you fall, you fall hard. And sometimes, when it's over, you don't let go. You circle back around to some of the same relationships over and over. Is it because of the familiarity?

Don't hold on to past relationships because you are afraid of not being able to find another one. I made that mistake several times and stayed in relationships for far too long because it was scary to start over. Even though it sucks, moving on is so worth it when the relationship no longer is.

I don't even necessarily want him to miss me and want me back, though. I just want him to not be in this destructive pattern anymore. Distancing myself from the place where he lives is just absolutely not an option. You know how much I hate Wellesley and how depressed I get if I'm stuck here all the time...well, he and our friends know that, too, and the fact that they let me live in their frat rent free for half the year is too incredible to turn my back on them now (I also have responsibilities and a role at the frat.)

I do fall hard. I don't really mind that part at all. I've loved three people, lived with all of them at some point, and really felt like I could have put in the effort to make it work in a long-term way. The problem, I think, is that I'm crazy and I go for crazy people. So it doesn't work. And then you're right, I don't let go, because I think it should work. If this guy were on meds, we wouldn't have this problem right now, but he refuses to consider them. So I sit around blaming a disease and not us, and who wants to give in to something that isn't their fault? But I really don't believe that I do it because I need to be with someone. I would be happy being with any of the three people I mentioned right now or being alone. I don't even really consider it a bad thing that I still think I'm compatible with and would go back to the other two, if the circumstances were right