Is 4 Months After A Spouse's Death too Soon?

Musicman408 · #1 04-02-2011, 04:46 PM

My dad just called and told me he was seriously seeing someone- (an on and off co-worker he's worked with for years). Needless to say, they've been at least talking for awhile if they're calling themselves serious. This lady lost her husband in an ambulance crash 4 months ago, and has three children. AND, my dad isn't even officially divorced from my mom. Am I the only one who finds this F'ed up?

HomerMcvie · #2 04-02-2011, 04:50 PM

It's different for different people.
My aunt died 2 years and 3 months ago, and my uncle still can't even consider it.
I think it depends on the marriage. Some are marriages of convenience, and some, you're married to your soulmate. Obviously, the former would be easier to move past.
Also to consider - some people just can't stand being alone, and would rather try to have "something", than be alone.

Musicman408 · #3 04-02-2011, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HomerMcvie

It's different for different people.
My aunt died 2 years and 3 months ago, and my uncle still can't even consider it.
I think it depends on the marriage. Some are marriages of convenience, and some, you're married to your soulmate. Obviously, the former would be easier to move past.
Also to consider - some people just can't stand being alone, and would rather try to have "something", than be alone.

Well, the lady's first husband was very abusive, and died a slow death of cancer, and they had two kids. Then she married her last husband, who was apparently the best man and everything ever- and saved her. They have a 6 year old, and he died as an EMT in an ambulance crash..... I just think it's ridiculous.

LikeAWillow · #4 04-02-2011, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HomerMcvie

Also to consider - some people just can't stand being alone, and would rather try to have "something", than be alone.

I agree with this. I'm really sorry Ethan, I know this probably isn't easy for you, but I'm sure the new situation isn't easy for your dad or this woman either. Sometimes it just helps to have a teammate. They're both trying to figure out life alone, and it's probably more terrifying than I can really imagine. I could understand how they would want someone else on their side. They probably DO need time by themselves, but how many of us actually do what's good for us?

**mylittledemon** · #5 04-02-2011, 05:51 PM

It is different for everyone. I mean, hey, life is too short to not tell people how you feel you know? I know that from your perspective that it LOOKS bad... but if your father is divorcing your mother, then odds are that relationship was over (for your father) a long time ago. So he's BEEN ready to move on. So in that instance it's not too soon. I don't know about this other lady. I would *think* that after losing a spouse in death that it would take years. I mean, my dad died in 2006 and his wife was seeing someone about 14 months later. That baffled me... but hey, I can't judge you know? Sure it looks bad, but yeah... what can you do?

daniellaaarisen · #6 04-02-2011, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LikeAWillow

I agree with this. I'm really sorry Ethan, I know this probably isn't easy for you, but I'm sure the new situation isn't easy for your dad or this woman either. Sometimes it just helps to have a teammate. They're both trying to figure out life alone, and it's probably more terrifying than I can really imagine. I could understand how they would want someone else on their side. They probably DO need time by themselves, but how many of us actually do what's good for us?

Couldn't agree with this post more. They could be using each other to get through their own crazy lives.

**mylittledemon** · #7 04-02-2011, 06:05 PM

I think it's really important to remember that your parents are human beings. They aren't perfect. The sooner you can take your parents off that g0d-like pedestal that we tend to put our parents on, the better it will be for you. It took me A LONG TIME to come to terms with that myself. They aren't perfect and they will disappoint you. But, I'm sure they are doing the best they can.

vivfox · #8 04-02-2011, 08:25 PM

How long after Robin's death did Stevie marry Kim?

Musicman408 · #9 04-02-2011, 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivfox

How long after Robin's death did Stevie marry Kim?

Not necessarily the best example.

Not only that, according to my mom, he has changed his will to include the girl and her 3 kids.... My dad says this is not true.

Thanks a lot parents for F*cking up my weekend!

daniellaaarisen · #10 04-02-2011, 09:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Musicman408

Not necessarily the best example.

Not only that, according to my mom, he has changed his will to include the girl and her 3 kids.... My dad says this is not true.

Thanks a lot parents for F*cking up my weekend!

It sucks, I know. But it's better than many of the alternatives during divorces. I'd much rather have both of my parents seriously dating people I didn't approve of than seriously trying to ruin each other's lives like they are now.

If this is a way for your dad to keep himself occupied, and if he's genuinely happy about the relationship so far, you may just have to suck it up and pretend to be happy for him. This won't be the last time you see your parents dating someone else.... you're going to have to get used to it. You're old enough now that they aren't going to keep themselves from pursuing what they want even if it may not be what you would want for them. My little sister, who is adamant that my parents can't date other people, is learning that the hard way and she's 4 years younger than you. They're people too, and I'm sure they're lonely.

Musicman408 · #11 04-02-2011, 09:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by daniellaaarisen

It sucks, I know. But it's better than many of the alternatives during divorces. I'd much rather have both of my parents seriously dating people I didn't approve of than seriously trying to ruin each other's lives like they are now.

If this is a way for your dad to keep himself occupied, and if he's genuinely happy about the relationship so far, you may just have to suck it up and pretend to be happy for him. This won't be the last time you see your parents dating someone else.... you're going to have to get used to it. You're old enough now that they aren't going to keep themselves from pursuing what they want even if it may not be what you would want for them. My little sister, who is adamant that my parents can't date other people, is learning that the hard way and she's 4 years younger than you. They're people too, and I'm sure they're lonely.

The only problem is that they ARE trying to screw each others lives up in the process.

I just need a big hug right now!

daniellaaarisen · #12 04-02-2011, 09:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Musicman408

The only problem is that they ARE trying to screw each others lives up in the process.

I just need a big hug right now!

I feel ya. My mother is literally evil.

I'm sorry Ethan

Musicman408 · #13 04-02-2011, 09:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by daniellaaarisen

I feel ya. My mother is literally evil.

I'm sorry Ethan

Wanna fly out to KY and visit me- my roommate is out of town for the weekend!

SuperFleetwood · #14 04-02-2011, 10:12 PM

im sorry ethan!!

CelticGypsy · #15 04-05-2011, 03:22 PM

I'm sorry this is happening to you right now. I do feel your pain and confusion and what your heart is going through. As you get older, you'll realize that you won't be able to control everything that is happening around you. Enjoy your weekend with your friends. Don't worry so much about your mom and dad and THEIR problems.

You'll realize that your parents have fallen out of love with each other. That does happen with married couples. Marriage is really HARD work!! I have been married for 32 years, Ethan and some days it's not always roses and picnics but if the two people work together it can be pretty wonderful

Your mom and dad have decided they don't want to be together and they need this time to figure things out for themselves and how to be happy again.

You're still very young and have a GREAT future ahead of you. Stop worrying about mom and dad and concentrate on yourself and fullfilling YOUR own personal dreams and goals.

I lost both of my parents and well, you'll look back and realize all they wanted was to be happy in their lives. I would do anything to have my parents back alive. My dad was a pain sometimes but you know I would love to have five minutes back to say how much I love him and hug him. Your parents are human and they will make mistakes. This is natural. No parent is perfect. Be grateful that you have your mom and dad in your life and let them find their own dreams. You may not agree with them and what they're doing but I am sure you would not want them to take any of your dreams away either. This isn't about you but about your mom and dad trying to reinvent their personal lives.

Next time you see your mom and dad, HUG them and tell them that you love them! Take care!