An Emotional Life- Divorce, Emotions, and Past Relationships- A Mini Vent By: Ethan

Musicman408 · #1 12-29-2009, 01:04 AM

Alrighty guys- I know these threads have never been terribly popular, but it has probably been almost a year since I've done one, and this has been on my mind- so I thought I'd share.

As you all know, my parents have been going through separation, and in addition my mothers parents are no longer in communication with us because of a financial disagreement my parents got into with their adopted son (by blood he's my cousin). This cutting of contacts happened during the summer, so Needless to say, things have been hard. Going through a divorce hasn't been easy, and to not have any grandparents or familial support has been rough. But I have managed. I have learned to emotionally detach myself from a lot of it, and it has helped get me through. This being said, I feel like I haven't felt as emotionally tied to people as I once have. I have been very focused on my studies, and my future as a choral educator, but feel like I have been distancing myself from some people along the way.

I know in the past, I would always ramble on and on about said girl and whatever. I know it was ANNOYING AS HELL (yes, I really do realize that), but part of that tumult and back and forth, and loving someone unrequitedly was kind of nice, and I miss it. Reason I say I miss it is because there hasn't been anyone who I have had THAT feeling for. That feeling where you are constantly thinking about the person, wanting to be with them and so on. There has only been one girl since I have been in college, but that obviously didn't pan out. This year though, there has been nobody, and in a weird sort of way I miss it.

And then I worry if I have distanced and disconnected myself from people too much. Because of the divorce, I wonder if I have detached emotion from interaction with some people. And it's like.... I'm not happy with what is in front of me. Tying that into the girl situation- there is nobody that I am acquaintances with right now that I am interested in. It's like that feeling that I used to have for said women is totally gone from my life, and for awhile it was a GREAT thing. But now it has been so long that I am beginning to wonder if I am either tooooo picky in my choice of girls (I REFUSE to settle) or if in fact I have started distancing myself.

This leads us to the present. I am not going to lie, I have a tendency to NOT delete old facebook messages. I have been having some flashback feelings to someone who was once very special to me, and reading these old communications, and the change in them as time went on has got me feeling kind of..... I don't know- sad in a way...... kind of the same flustered feeling I've felt that comes with rejection. I know a lot of you have seen the pictures I posted recently, from my high school Madrigal Dinners. One of the pictures was with me with someone who meant a lot to me my senior year- (she's the girl with the short brown hair). Since she at one point was special and a good friend at one point, I decided to use the picture as my desktop background. Not only did I think it was a nice picture, but I wanted to see if I could potentially feel again. See if I would have some sort of feeling of "memory lane" if you will- that feeling that she used to give me. Know what I mean? She was unlike anyone that I had tried to get to know in my life. She was very beautiful to me, but even more than that, she would approach ME and seemed interested in me. She seemed interested in ME! This being said- YES, the picture has brought back a lot.... maybe too much? The first time we really got the chance to talk was at a football game- and we talked for HOURS!!! The entire game. I couldn't even tell you who we were playing, because we were so into it. We had the same principles and beliefs, and viewpoints on life. We had the EXACT same sense of humor. I could be my goofy sarcastic self, and she was the first person who I had ever met who TOTALLY got it, and could throw it RIGHT back at me.

For about a couple of months after that game we saw each other all the time. And like I said, she was unlike anything I had ever know. She would stop MEEEE when she saw me in the halls to talk. She was always smiling, and I was completely natural around her. We also had an ongoing Facebook dialogue during this time. We would see each other and talk to each other almost every day before school, and she was in choir as well, so we often saw each other after school as well. I still remember the time one morning before school where I walked past her 1st period class and she was in the room. I was more than halfway down the next hallway when I hear my name above the crowds..... and it was her, wanting to do our morning walk and talk. She was amazing.

Like I said earlier, I've gone through some old communications and have been reminded again of how this girl has changed- sadly. Like I said, for about a month and a half, (September through late October) she was seriously (in my mind), totally going to be the first girl I asked out. Then- during the homecoming dance, I could notice a change. She wouldn't come after me- she had stopped the little things she used to always do, and there was definitely distance, and a change in positive tone in her FB messages. She then for a short period of time liked another guy, but nothing materialized. I tried to get things started back up again because I was at a New Years Party with her- but she was distant. It terribly broke me.

Early in the next year she began dating an older guy. He was much different than she. Long story short, this sweetheart, almost soul mate of a girl has completely changed. She is still with the guy- who really was and is her first relationship. The second semester of my senior year, I really never saw her. It was like, this girl was 100% a part of my life- and then literally overnight it was like the rug was completely pulled out from under me.

After I graduated, we would share a couple pleasantries on Facebook for the first semester or so of college- mostly of her answering some question I asked her about how she got through her parents' divorce.

Then one night we had a conversation. We were chatting, and for whatever reason we got onto the topic of relationships. She of course is happy in hers, and knows that I have had trouble in that particular field in my life. We had talked about it before, and how things were going in college, so she totally knew the stories. We were talking vaguely about the girls who meant something to me my senior year, and I think she then asked who they were. I firstly informed her about the one who came after her, and then I kind of paused...... And I told her that she was the other girl.

(paraphrase)
"Ethan... I am so sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry about, why would you be sorry?"
"Because I have caused you pain, and I feel like I am the reason you are so upset."
"I could never be upset with you."

It was a really sweet moment- she was the first person that I ever told upright- even if it was after the fact. She told me that she had always seen me as a great friend- but not particularly like that. Unfortunately, this changed a LOT of things.

I saw this girl not too long thereafter in person at the Madrigal Dinners LAST year. During the meet and greet in the middle, she came up and talked to me, and things were really sweet. It was cool, knowing she knew and everything. But that night was really a turning point.

Since then, she hasn't replied to any message I've sent her on Facebook. Doesn't matter what it's about, she hasn't replied- and this is coming from a girl who would always reply within hours. We have had a couple 20 second chat sessions dealing with some question I would have about ticket sales, or something obsolete, but that is as far as it has gone via facebook. I remember one time, and I can't remember exactly when last year this was, but her boyfriend randomly started chatting with me, telling me that the girl doesn't appreciate how I'm overly complimentary with her. I then told him that if she had a problem with me, I needed to hear it from her.

I have seen this girl a few times as I visit my old high school choir friends, but when I send her a message saying that it was nice seeing her- I hear nothing back.

And so that is where I am right now. I'm kind of looking back at it with sadness. For a couple of months, this girl was really EVERYTHING. She meant a lot to me for more than that couple of months, but for that time, it was really heavy. In one way, I am glad that I have been able to feel again for someone, looking back at things. But it is kind of upsetting to see how things changed between the two of us. I know it is not my fault- I did nothing wrong, but it is still sad. Then I think about how she's going to be graduating and going to college next year, and how there is a chance that I really very well may never see her (or those people I went to school with) again.....

This is hard, because it is not that I still have feelings for this girl- this whole thing has just kind of stirred up old emotions. Does that make any sense? So in once sense I am glad that I can feel for a person, but I am just waiting and wondering if/when it will happen again, because it has been awhile and I am worried that maybe I have lost my touch. I don't know, it is something that runs around in my head.

Guys, thank you for listening to my ramble a bit here- I'm just thinking about the great days of my senior year of high school, and really- the fall of 2007, and how everything seemed sooooo right. I believed that I was going to experience something that I had never experienced before, but obviously that wasn't meant to be. But it just makes you wonder WHAT IN THE WORLD have I done wrong. If I couldn't even get together with someone who at the time had SOOOO much in common with me, who in the world will I be able to get together with. The two girls that came after the girl of tonight's discussion were much different. We never had the same chemistry, and natural connection. I had to try very hard to figure out what it was that I was going to say. Every day was a battle. It was difficult because I could never read them, and didn't have the opportunity to spend as much natural time with them as I was this one girl. Things were just different. And sometimes I just get flustered and wonder why there hasn't been someone who I've felt as natural and attracted to as that one special girl. Why was she so different.... or rather, why does everyone else have to be different, and what can I do to make myself stand out, and be different. She wasn't my first love- but the whole situation was different.

Fall 2007 was excellently different

Alex was different~

DavidMn · #2 12-29-2009, 01:34 AM

Well I see I'm not the only one here with issues like this. Ethan like people that had my back said, I have yours too. THe main #1 thinng is, and I can say this from having met you, yoiu are really a nice guy. Things will look up for you as they will for me my man!

WarmSir3 · #3 12-29-2009, 07:54 AM

Ethan, I believe I had the exact same issue as you back when I was in school. There was a girl I was madly in love with who shared my interests, my sense of humour, taste in music, etc. For a few months she was all I could think about, I was just constantly waiting for the next time I could see her. She lived about 5 miles away but just about every weekend we would meet with some other friends, and if for any reason I couldn't meet her on the weekend I would be heartbroken until I next saw her. But then she changed and began having an attitude. She would criticize mine and my friends' ideas, humour, find ways to excuse herself from spending time with us in and out of school. She started to ignore my calls. Then one night I tried called her and she picked up, before telling me that she'd asked nicely and could I please stop calling her for f***'s sake

I was extremely upset that night but from the next day on I grew to hate her. I was in school with her for another year, trying to ignore her as much as possible. I guess in retrospect that wasn't the right thing to do, but I still can't see what I did wrong. I haven't seen her since, but I've maintained a great relationship with one of her friends. Having said that the whole experience made me rethink my priorities and concentrate on what was important at the time, school, friends and family. I started to enjoy myself a lot more from there on. Thank you Ethan, I thought I was the only one who'd gone through something like this

jaycee · #4 12-29-2009, 09:25 AM

Hang on, just reading through a second time...
(I hope this reply doesn't sound too much like it's all about me!)
"This being said, I feel like I haven't felt as emotionally tied to people as I once have. I have been very focused on my studies, and my future as a choral educator, but feel like I have been distancing myself from some people along the way."
Okay, this is probably going to sound either deeply regressive or just plain cold, but... I wouldn't worry too much about feeling a bit less emotionally tied to people. (Aren't I egocentric and mean?!

) I've noticed that for quite a while now, perhaps the past year or more, I've seemed a bit emotionally distant. Perhaps it's a result of the pessimism I have for the workings of the world, and the effort I empty into trying to get people to think philosophically, scientifically, skeptically and rationally. It always feels like I'm trying to fill a leaking bucket!

But I realised within the past few months that my mild emotional coldness can be channeled into renewing my focus on encouraging people to think in said ways, and to reserve my emotional feelings for... wait for it... enjoying music! Yes, I listen to music and let myself be moved to tears by the likes of "Brown Eyes", ready to take on the world again with my cold, rationalistic ways!

Anyway, moving on...
Okay, there's no short quotes for this comment, but nonetheless...
Well, I've never had a perfect girl to admire as you have. So in that respect, count yourself lucky! I doubt many people would experience that in their lifetimes (in the western world, that is... everywhere else is so impoverished that it seems highly improbable anyone elsewhere would have the chance... but that's another ramble, and I shan't go into that here)! (Ooh, "Don't Give Up" by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush just came on the radio! How appropriate!

) But I have had two serious interests (let's call it love for simplicity) in girls... once at primary school, grade five/six, and another at university last year. However, I never told either of them how I felt... although the first girl probably knew. Surprisingly, whenever either of them are mentioned, for whatever reason, I still feel a bit self-conscious. It's remarkably odd, wouldn't you say? I mean, it's not as if I'm still interested in either of them! Then again...
"This is hard, because it is not that I still have feelings for this girl- this whole thing has just kind of stirred up old emotions. Does that make any sense?"
Perfect sense! That's exactly what I mean about how I feel!
Personally I've somewhat tried to avoid relationships though, to concentrate more on other things (I'm easily distracted as it is!) like uni. However, I have other reasons... one being that, if a woman wanted to survive with me, they'd seriously want to like Fleetwood Mac, Bryan Ferry & Roxy Music, Sting & The Police, and other "old people's" music (my tastes extend back into the fifties)! Another is my strict rationalism (some would say I'm just highly opinionated and rigid, but I disagree

). While you don't have to agree with what I say (especially if you're a friend of mine... I'm always up for a friendly intellectual debate), you'd want to if you don't enjoy debating, and/or don't like analyzing everything under the sun and the rest of the universe!

Oh, and there's one last reason... I have a fetish for rubber/latex gloves and stockings (but that's as weird and obscure as it gets). Shh!!!
Is this relevant anymore? Or have I gone on a tangent? Yep, it's a tangent!

Maybe I should summarize...
1. Don't worry about being a bit emotionally cold towards people. Just be rational and respectful! And be sure to find something to be emotional about, like I am with music and Fleetwood Mac! Emptying your thoughts on this thread isn't a bad start though, but I'm sure there's something else you can attach to as well. Actually, that's another thing - many people often say that you shouldn't obsess over certain things, or moreover that obsession is bad. Interests are apparently okay, but not obsession. Personally, I think it's important to find something, or indeed multiple things, to really commit to and obsess about. It's what helps us be individuals, able to think for ourselves! But something that shouldn't be obsessed over, among other things, is people. Like I just said, don't worry about being a bit emotionally cold towards people.
2. The experience you had with that girl was something very special - I personally think really quite out of the ordinary! So don't be too concerned if you don't experience that again. Btw, imo, I don't think either perfect matches or opposites can last forever. Part of an extended relationship is, I'm guessing, each person trying to shape and mold the parts (i.e. interests, opinions etc.) of each other that differ, while enjoying the parts that you share and wouldn't want to change.
3. Politically, I'm an anarchist. For those who appreciate what that actually means, rather than the commonplace stereotypes of anarchism, you'll probably notice that shining through a little in this post.
4. If it wasn't already obvious enough, I'm a scientist and philosophical skeptic.
This is probably one of the more... controversial... posts that I'll make on this forum. I'm already eagerly awaiting the refutations of this post people will give!

Oh, and btw, as far as I can tell by the evidence of your post, you are indeed a really nice and friendly person Ethan!

Don't ever forget that!
(Wow, what a long post! And, funnily enough, it was all about me...

)

Musicman408 · #5 12-29-2009, 09:47 AM

I want to thank you all for your complimentary comments! It is really appreciated. It is great to know that i am not the only person who has gone through stuff like this.

A little clarification- Alex and I never dated. We were never an item.

The thing that made Alex different was that at the time, she didn't have a boyfriend, and never really had. The girls before her either had had a boyfriend at the time I was interested, or they were remarkably different than I was.

Also, the two girls after her, again either had a boyfriend- or like the one in college, she just was NOT into me..... Just throwing that out there for clarification. So, with that being said, I do have faith that the feeling I had with Alex will definitely happen again- all we need is someone with similar interests, but more importantly, interest in me, so that I am not the only one doing all of the pursuing. Make sense?

The thing that is hard about this whole situation is that I know I would have been the best boyfriend that this girl could have ever needed. I take care of people, and am interesting, funny and humorous. It's just sad that I never got the chance to show her what I would have meant.

holidayroad · #6 12-29-2009, 10:30 AM

Maybe this is a dumb thing to say, but maybe Alex changed toward you because she thought you didn't feel the way she felt for you. It's obvious to me that she liked you a lot!

If I had acted that way with a guy who I thought liked me and then he never acted on it, I would have backed off too. Hopefully you'll get another chance with her. Yet, don't let the past blind you to others who you may meet who could be even more right for you. You will eventually find the right person for you. I know people say that a lot, but it does happen. I was almost 26 before I met the right person. We've been together almost 10 years now!! (Maybe you're looking in the wrong place, because I met him online!)

Musicman408 · #7 12-29-2009, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by holidayroad

Maybe this is a dumb thing to say, but maybe Alex changed toward you because she thought you didn't feel the way she felt for you. It's obvious to me that she liked you a lot!

If I had acted that way with a guy who I thought liked me and then he never acted on it, I would have backed off too. Hopefully you'll get another chance with her. Yet, don't let the past blind you to others who you may meet who could be even more right for you. You will eventually find the right person for you. I know people say that a lot, but it does happen. I was almost 26 before I met the right person. We've been together almost 10 years now!! (Maybe you're looking in the wrong place, because I met him online!)

I see what you're saying and agree with you- but since Alex was so different, she made me different- as in I really was outgoing and stuff with her. I think that the one guy she became interested in, she was probably interested in the whole time, but just didn't show it. Like I said, she eventually told me that she only viewed me as a really good friend. I would have eventually asked her out, but first I wanted to build a relationship, and right when things I thought couldn't have been better, things instantly started going downhill. I acted the same way toward her as she acted with me, so if there was something there, she would have shown it more. Plus, she has since told me that she wasn't interested.

I want to find someone who makes me feel like that. She has since changed and is definitely no longer the girl I once knew which is sad.... but very true.

LikeAWillow · #8 12-29-2009, 12:09 PM

Ethan, I think it's pretty normal that you're having a harder time connecting to people lately. You've been going through a rough time with your parents, and I know that when I'm having trouble at home, my first coping mechanism is to shut down. Sometimes, there's nothing you can do except ride it out and know that things are going to get better again.

As far as this girl Alex goes, my honest opinion is that when she realized you were interested in her, she felt guilty for leading you on and decided to blow you off instead. It isn't right, but it's a pattern of behavior I've seen over and over.

Musicman408 · #9 12-29-2009, 01:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LikeAWillow

Ethan, I think it's pretty normal that you're having a harder time connecting to people lately. You've been going through a rough time with your parents, and I know that when I'm having trouble at home, my first coping mechanism is to shut down. Sometimes, there's nothing you can do except ride it out and know that things are going to get better again.

As far as this girl Alex goes, my honest opinion is that when she realized you were interested in her, she felt guilty for leading you on and decided to blow you off instead. It isn't right, but it's a pattern of behavior I've seen over and over.

Thank you for your words. Yeah, I am hoping you are right about the shutting down thing- I do see it, and think that that is definitely a possibility.

As for Alex, it is not that I am wanting to go back to her or anything- furthest from it, because she really is no longer the girl that I once knew. Just thinking about the time though, and how it went from soooo good, something that I hadn't experienced before, to the same old rejection thing and then seeing her change, is kind of hard. Also, seeing how this cycle with past girls has gone is rough too. Getting to know them, becoming interested in them, and then nothing ever working out is hard. Having that happen 5 times in a row is just kind of....

Unfortunate~

The big thing though is just the fact that I never had the chance to show her what I could have meant to her. I look at her now and just think that if she had given me the chance, we could be a happy couple today, and things would be great. But we'll never know- and though I have moved on, the thought still sometimes comes across my mind. I know I really could have meant a lot to her and loved her unconditionally and made her very happy!

holidayroad · #10 12-29-2009, 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Musicman408

I see what you're saying and agree with you- but since Alex was so different, she made me different- as in I really was outgoing and stuff with her. I think that the one guy she became interested in, she was probably interested in the whole time, but just didn't show it. Like I said, she eventually told me that she only viewed me as a really good friend. I would have eventually asked her out, but first I wanted to build a relationship, and right when things I thought couldn't have been better, things instantly started going downhill. I acted the same way toward her as she acted with me, so if there was something there, she would have shown it more. Plus, she has since told me that she wasn't interested.

I want to find someone who makes me feel like that. She has since changed and is definitely no longer the girl I once knew which is sad.... but very true.

Thanks for the better explanation. I really do hope things get better for you soon.

carrie721 · #11 12-29-2009, 07:46 PM

An Emotional Life- Divorce, Emotions, and Past Relationships

this sounds like a lifetime movie begging to be made.

i suggest you substitute a different adjective for "emotional," though. the title is redundant.

how about "a turbulent life"? "tortuous"? what if we shake things up completely and work your musical interests and whatnot into it? "an emotional melisma: ethan kinkle's brave journey through bull****"?

**mylittledemon** · #12 12-29-2009, 07:51 PM

Ethan, welcome to life. All this BS you're going through is the stuff your parents can't really prepare you for as you're growing up in your "child bubble." Just remember, whatever it is you're going through... it isn't all that bad compared to what's going on in the rest of the world. Let that put your personal anguish into perspective.

carrie721 · #13 12-29-2009, 07:59 PM

chapter titles:

"when will god cut off the fermata on this diminished chord?"
"a day in the life of a rit."
"bach in the saddle again: this one girl totally looked at me today"
"arco polo: finding the one who makes your heartstrings cry out"
"spiccato or swallow?"

carrie721 · #14 12-29-2009, 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mylittledemon

Ethan, welcome to life. All this BS you're going through is the stuff your parents can't really prepare you for as you're growing up in your "child bubble." Just remember, whatever it is you're going through... it isn't all that bad compared to what's going on in the rest of the world. Let that put your personal anguish into perspective.

my feelings for ethan aside, this advice is terrible. "welcome to life"? "it's not that bad compared to what's going on in the rest of the world"? come on. people who think they've seen it all say crap like that in an attempt to invalidate somebody else's struggles and it's bull. when your dad died, did it make you feel better to tell yourself that it's not as bad as what some AIDS orphan in africa is going through? it's always good to have some perspective on your own struggles, but when the first and only advice out of someone's mouth is that somebody else has it worse, that's when it's time to find a better source of wisdom.

as for his parents not being able to prepare him for this bull****, of course they can't, since they're causing much of it.

**mylittledemon** · #15 12-29-2009, 08:10 PM

I wasn't really offering advice or "invalidating" his struggle. I was just pointing out that it helps put your own personal "little problems" in perspective. In the end, I reckon it was certainly no more helpful than your attempts to rename this thread.