Anyone here lose a Parent?

[jkmaletic]

Not to start a "downer" thread, but I have and I need some advice.

Last year on May 28th my Mom fell down some stairs in her home and later died on May 31st. Emergency brain surgery to alleviate the pressure from the bleeding was done, but the impact was so severe that this procedure could not save her. My family and I had to make the very difficult decision to leave her on life support with no chance of any type of normal function or to take her off and let nature take it's course. We all agreed after 3 doctors confirmed the above prognosis to let nature take it's course and she passed peacefully a day and a half later. She was 60.

My father has been dating for the past couple months, and I've been fine with that. I really don't care what he does and have no right to anyway. But, he has been getting closer with one particular woman and they have had dinner and sex numerous times in my Dad's house. (I know this because he tells my brother all the nasty details and my brother then tells me - I know, weird. We kinda have a dysfunctional family.) SO what's bothering me is the fact of him doing those things with HER in my Mom's house.
I know it makes no sense whatsoever, and I understand he has to "move on", but it still just bothers me. The other thing is now he's really pushing me to meet her, and I just don't want to right now.

Has anyone here gone through this? Any advice?

Thanks.

~Jamie

[paleshadow]

Originally Posted by jkmaletic

Not to start a "downer" thread, but I have and I need some advice.

Last year on May 28th my Mom fell down some stairs in her home and later died on May 31st. Emergency brain surgery to alleviate the pressure from the bleeding was done, but the impact was so severe that this procedure could not save her. My family and I had to make the very difficult decision to leave her on life support with no chance of any type of normal function or to take her off and let nature take it's course. We all agreed after 3 doctors confirmed the above prognosis to let nature take it's course and she passed peacefully a day and a half later. She was 60.

My father has been dating for the past couple months, and I've been fine with that. I really don't care what he does and have no right to anyway. But, he has been getting closer with one particular woman and they have had dinner and sex numerous times in my Dad's house. (I know this because he tells my brother all the nasty details and my brother then tells me - I know, weird. We kinda have a dysfunctional family.) SO what's bothering me is the fact of him doing those things with HER in my Mom's house.
I know it makes no sense whatsoever, and I understand he has to "move on", but it still just bothers me. The other thing is now he's really pushing me to meet her, and I just don't want to right now.

Has anyone here gone through this? Any advice?

Thanks.

~Jamie

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. I think your feelings are not unusual. The best advice I can give you is to be open and honest with your father. If you don't feel ready to meet his lady friend you should tell him. You should also ask your brother not to share any graphic stories of your father's sex life with you, because clearly it bothers you, so why subject yourself to it.

[mylittledemon]

My dad died in 2006, but my parents divorced in 1998.

In Oct of 1998 my Dad told me my parents were divorcing. Not 45 days later, my mother had married the pastor of our church. This man in turn divorced his wife (of 20+ years) to marry my mother. No joke. A total soap opera right?

I've learned over the years that your parents are not gods, and to take them off the pedestal that we all tend to put them up on. They are human, and make mistakes. And often times, they (the ones you love) are the ones that hurt us the most.

The one thing you have to remember is that everyone grieves, and moves on in a different way. Don't judge your dad. His behavior may be strange to you, but it's his life and you should happy for him. It doesn't mean you have to like it, but his happiness comes before what you do or don't like about his behavior. Tell him you love him. It doesn't mean you have to forget your mother.

My dad also remarried in late 2000. I didn't particularly care for Dad's new wife (because she wasn't my mother in all honesty), but I was grown up and out of the house by then. My dad's spouse didn't affect my life in any way. And in the end, my dad loved her and she looked after him lovingly when he was dying. Have an open heart and an open mind. If you spend the rest of your life (and your dad's) resisting change then you're going to have a very difficult time. Just my 2 cents.

[iamnotafraid]

Originally Posted by jkmaletic

Has anyone here gone through this? Any advice?

Thanks.

~Jamie

Jamie, I'm very sorry for your loss. My father died almost 5 years ago.
I wouldn't want to hear about some of the things you've been told either.
Stay strong, and stand up for yourself if you need to. Hope things get
better for you.

[jannieC]

Hi Jamie,

So sorry to hear about your mom- what a sudden shock for you. My father died suddenly when I was 17. My mom dated but not seriously until several years later, so I never had to deal with the "replacement" of my father. As a matter of fact, I would have liked for my mother to find someone; I really missed having a father and would have welcomed someone into our lives.

I think it's important to tell your brother to stop with the sexual details. That is just uncalled for and you have a right NOT to hear that stuff.

Hang in there and grieve your mom in your own way. Everyone is different and nobody is right or wrong. Take care.

[Ghost_Tracker]

Originally Posted by jkmaletic

Not to start a "downer" thread, but I have and I need some advice.

Last year on May 28th my Mom fell down some stairs in her home and later died on May 31st. Emergency brain surgery to alleviate the pressure from the bleeding was done, but the impact was so severe that this procedure could not save her. My family and I had to make the very difficult decision to leave her on life support with no chance of any type of normal function or to take her off and let nature take it's course. We all agreed after 3 doctors confirmed the above prognosis to let nature take it's course and she passed peacefully a day and a half later. She was 60.

My father has been dating for the past couple months, and I've been fine with that. I really don't care what he does and have no right to anyway. But, he has been getting closer with one particular woman and they have had dinner and sex numerous times in my Dad's house. (I know this because he tells my brother all the nasty details and my brother then tells me - I know, weird. We kinda have a dysfunctional family.) SO what's bothering me is the fact of him doing those things with HER in my Mom's house.
I know it makes no sense whatsoever, and I understand he has to "move on", but it still just bothers me. The other thing is now he's really pushing me to meet her, and I just don't want to right now.

Has anyone here gone through this? Any advice?

Thanks.

~Jamie

I can't really comment specifically 'cause it's not happening in my family. But, as many of the members of this board know, my Mom died in July after a long battle due to a stroke, or "brain attack" as it's called these days. Due to what I strongly feel was widespread medical neglect. So I can pretty much appreciate what you're going through.

It's not like it hasn't occurred to me that my Dad might start dating, although I don't think he's really planning to. But it's sort of something you have to "brace yourself" for, just the same. The best advice I can give, I feel, is that it's a situation where you have to "let your head rule your heart." The "Serenity Prayer" comes to mind - if your Dad is dating again, that isn't really something you can change - and perhaps it's something you shouldn't change; after all, what's healthiest for him? - So perhaps for you, it's something that's healthier if you mentally accept it - even if you can never truly approve, in your heart.

[Macfanforever]

I'm sorry about your mom.,I lost my Mom ,this past feb 11.2009, at 77 years old,She had complications due to gallbladder infection last october,her weak liver that brought her down.so at the end me and sister had to grant my mom wishes from her living will.In which I will have the same wishes in my will,My mom and dad were divorced since 1974.she had a boyfriend for 5 years since the loss of my stepdad in 2003, they were married for 19 years.The loss of my sister from breast cancer 1 and 1/2 years ago did not help my moms health to that matter.Life is hard,as mom always said.

[golddustwoman77]

Jamie,

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. I totally understand what you are going through. I have felt the same things that you are feeling. I lost my father after a heart transplant about two years ago. He was 62. My mom is two years younger than my father. Therefore, she has a lot of life left to lead.

She has been dating, off and on, for about a year, but she hasn't met anyone she is really serious about. She didn't start dating at all until a year after my father died. She has had and is still having a hard time with it all. When she has had a date, she tells me all the details, but doesn't really tell my brother anything. I think that she shares these things with me, because (a) She doesn't want to tell her friends that live in the same town as her very many details. (b) I don't live in the same town(5 hours) as her, so who could I possibly tell. (c) I guess she needs someone to talk to about this that she trusts and has her best interest at heart. (d) I have told her that I want her to be happy, and that I support her.

I'll have at admit that it has been difficult to hear about her going out with other men, even though she isn't serious with any of them. I think it is natural to have a hard time hearing about someone else with your parent other than your other parent. I mean my parents were married for 37 years. That is all I've known, so of course, it is hard to hear.

My advice is: (1) Since your brother is the one who is telling you the details you don't want to hear, tell your brother that you really don't want to know these things. I'm sure your father needs someone he can trust to talk to about this, and your brother just happens to be that person. Although, your brother should definitely tell your father, if he isn't okay talking about that with him. If he is okay with it, then, you shouldn't have to hear it from your brother.

(2) My mom has read 12 books on grief and loss. She has also been to grief counseling. She would try to tell us the important things she learned and share with us the books she read that were good. From that, I have learned that everyone deals with grief and loss differently. They may do things that you wouldn't do or say. Try not to judge your father based on what you would do or say, because you aren't in his shoes. You have definitely had a loss, but your loss was different from his. He lost a spouse and life partner. You lost something different, your mom. Also, people may do and say things that you thought that they would never do or say. They are looking for anything that will help them get thought this difficult time. Sometimes, it is constructive things (hobbies, counseling, etc.) and sometimes it is destructive things(drugs, drinking, bad people, etc.). So try to focus on the positive, he isn't doing anything destructive (that you have mentioned), and he is just trying to do something that might make him happy. Ultimately, I'm sure that you want him to be happy, and just because he is trying to move on, I'm sure that he still thinks about your mom every day. Remember he isn't trying to replace your mom. My mom has often said that she isn't trying to replace my dad, because no one can replace him. She just wants someone to share her life with, because one of the worst parts of it for her is the extreme loneliness. I'm sure your dad has been extremely lonely and hates living with the deafening silence. I know my mom feels this way. I'm sure that this lady is helping with this. Try to look at her as a tool in your father's recovery, not a replacement for your mom. No one is ever going to replace your mom in any of your lives.

(3) Remember you are recovering from your own loss. Don't do anything that would set back your steps forward. I think your dad would understand that. Tell him you just aren't ready to meet her yet, but that you aren't ruling out meeting her in the future. Tell him you are still coming to grips with your mother's death, and you are getting used to the idea of a new lady in his life.

(4) Go to amazon.com, your local bookstore, or the library. Pick up some books on grief and loss. These might help give you a different perspective about your father, and it might help you deal with your loss as well.

(5) Consider going to grief counseling. There are many free groups. The one my mother went to was free. It was called Grief Share. Churches sometimes provide counseling groups. If you aren't religious, consider going to a counselor. Many will work with you on a payment plan that meets your needs and some insurances cover counseling. This might help you resolve issues that you are having.

I hope this helps. Of course, if you ever need to talk to someone, send me a PM here on the Ledge. I will try to help if I can.

[jkmaletic]

Thanks to all of you for your kind words and advice.

Regarding my brother, just two days ago he and my dad got into a disagreement about something and it led to my brother going off on my dad about his "relations", so I doubt my dad will be telling my brother any more details about them. It's obvious Jason was not okay with hearing all about it afterall, and I gues he realized that the hard way.
Anyway, today marks one year ago that she fell, and pretty much left us - although she technically didn't die until 2 days later. I found myself very upset this morning, more than I thought I would be. I wasn't able to go in to work. I know this is normal, however, and it's part of the process. I plan to take my grief as it comes, and try not to hold it in. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Thanks again to everyone.

~jamie

[jannieC]

I also would like to add that Hospice offers free bereavement counseling, even if you weren't using their services when your loved one passed away. It's something to think about- might make things easier for you. Good luck.

[CelticGypsy]

I know this is difficult for you since your mother has only been gone for one year but think of the alternative if your father decided to not enjoy life anymore and grieve for your mother for many years. This happened to my Dad. He was in his 70's when my mom died in 2000 but I would have LOVED for my dad to meet a special lady and be in his life for the last nine years of his life. I lost my Dad at age 86 only this past March and it still hurts but what hurts worse is that my Dad did not live his last almost nine years without mom but he grieved for her and he withdrew from his family and friends. Nothing seemed to help him and he WAITED to die without fully enjoying the rest of his life after my mom passed away.

I know that you feel upset about your father moving on quickly to some other woman but I know that you want your father happy and I am sure your mother would not want him to grieve for her for many years. If your mother loved your father, she would want him to go out and find someone new and BE happy for the rest of his life and enjoy living!!! I wish my dad had done so many more things but he didn't and his health declined and so did his quality of life. I don't think you want this for your father. Remember, everyone needs a reason to live and maybe, this new woman does make your father happy and young again. The best present is to let him enjoy the rest of his life and to be healthy and happy too. God bless.