Phoenix New Times' FM Movie Script (Spoof)

michelej1 · #1 05-21-2009, 11:56 AM

Phoenix New Times
http://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/conte...ersion/1299929

Lindsay Lohan in Steve Nicks’ Life Story?
By Michael Alan Goldberg
published: May 21, 2009

After conducting a thorough scientific evaluation (involving an array of test tubes and beakers, a Bunsen burner, and some heavy duty tongs) of Fleetwood Mac's 17 studio albums, I've concluded that the veteran Anglo-American band's music is 8 percent classic and 92 percent booooring. You may or may not agree, but it's hard to dispute the fact that the band itself is overwhelmingly dull. Drummer Mick Fleetwood? He might look like a cross between Jethro Tull dude and Hulk Hogan, but otherwise, he's boring. Bassist John McVie? He sets a new standard for boring bass players — you wouldn't know him if he came up to you on a well-lit street, announced "I am John McVie from Fleetwood Mac and I'm here to kill you," and then started stabbing you with the corner of a Tango in the Night jewelcase. Christine McVie? She's so boring, she's been out of the band for more than a decade and nobody even noticed. Lindsey Buckingham? Okay, he plays that cool-looking guitar with his fingers and seems like he could throw a pretty decent tantrum. But other than that? Zzzzzzzz . . .

However, Phoenix native Stevie Nicks? Now she is interesting! In fact, she's so interesting that Lindsay Lohan has been trying to purchase the rights to Stevie's life story and play her in a movie. Nicks finds that notion atrocious, recently telling the New York Times, "Over my dead body. She needs to stop doing drugs and get a grip. Then maybe we'll talk." Are you kidding, Stevie? She's perfect! In fact, we can just imagine a scene from the proposed film (which is even funnier if you imagine Christian Bale as Lindsey Buckingham and Seth Rogen as the roadie cast alongside Miss Lohan):

(Dressing room — Stevie Nicks, covered in scarves and shawls but naked from the waist down, stands in the corner of the room while a man kneels behind her. The door flies open and Lindsey Buckingham storms in.)

Lindsey: What the hell is going on?

Stevie: Nothing! Get out of here!

L: Stevie, turn around. Is that . . . Is that a straw sticking out of your ass?!

[Stevie puts her head in her hands and begins to cry.]

S: It won't work anymore!

L: What won't work anymore?

S: The coke! I have a hole in my nose! It needs to go up my ass.

L: Up your ass? What the **** are you doing? And who the hell is this?!

S: That's one of our roadies, Bill.

[Bill waves sheepishly.]

Bill: Hi.

S: Bill has to get it up there. I can't do it myself, for chrissakes.

L: [glares at Bill] Ohhh, good for you! And how was it?

B: It was okay . . .

L: Are you out of your ****ing mind?

B: Dude, I had to do it. She's a witch, man. Everyone knows she's a witch. She said she would cast a spell on me and my dick would shrivel up. I had no choice.

[Stevie begins to sob even louder.]

L: A witch? You actually believe that witch crap?! [Bill shrugs.] For ****'s sake, do you realize what will happen if this gets out?

S: [begins to scream] Nothing, Lindsey, nothing will happen! Or maybe it will! Everyone will talk about it and we'll become more interesting and more mythical and a real band that will last forever!

L: You ****ing amateur! You're ruining everything! First you go off and screw Don Henley and you destroy our relationship, and now you're destroying our future as a band! I want to live off Rumours and re-release and re-release it and tour behind it until I am 90. But now we'll be laughingstocks when Bill here goes and tells everybody about this. We're finished!

S: Well, what are we supposed to do?

L: We have to kill him.

[Bill's eyes bug out, and he bolts for the door and runs out of the room.]

L: Dammit, get back here!

[fade out]

wewerefrail · #2 05-22-2009, 04:14 AM

Would Christian Bale be the perfect Lindsey or what?

louielouie2000 · #3 05-22-2009, 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by michelej1

S: The coke! I have a hole in my nose! It needs to go up my ass.

*Spew!*

I must agree though... Lohan would be PERFECT to play Stevie!

TrueFaith77 · #4 05-22-2009, 07:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wewerefrail

Would Christian Bale be the perfect Lindsey or what?

no

steven strait only.

Lala · #5 05-22-2009, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith77

no

steven strait only.

...Joseph Finnes...

Doesn't this remind you of some of the TITN outtakes?

MacMan · #6 05-22-2009, 06:17 PM

This is actually the second time that this article was posted in the Phoenix New Times... I had some back and forth with the guy that wrote this the other day - and all of a sudden the article and all comments associated with it disappeared - only to reappear like it is now, slightly different under a different heading. Personally I think it's tasteless.

There's comments on this article here

njova · #7 05-22-2009, 09:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lala

...Joseph Finnes...

Doesn't this remind you of some of the TITN outtakes?

Oh my god Joseph Fiennes is so damm hot!!!

Nico · #8 05-22-2009, 10:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by njova

Oh my god Joseph Fiennes is so damm hot!!!

He's handsome, but he doesn't look like LB imo. His face is sorta angular and he's slightly balding these days...I've always found his brother circa 1997 (or whenever The English Patient came out) to be just...wow.

Ralph Fiennes now? Um, Ew.

This is going to sound really weird but I could imagine, if we were going with Lohan as Stevie, Zac Efron or someone with similar eyes/skinniness playing Lindsey. I mean, at least he can sing. Hollywood can work out the rest as far as looking more like him. But I can see a little LB in the eyes.

njova · #9 05-23-2009, 08:41 AM

^ Oh no I wasn't saying that Joseph Fiennes looked like or could play Lindsey just that he was sexy.

michelej1 · #10 05-23-2009, 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by njova

^ Oh no I wasn't saying that Joseph Fiennes looked like or could play Lindsey just that he was sexy.

I just saw In Bruges the other day and Ralph Fiennes was incredible, especially for someone who enters during the latter part of the movie and really becomes a third lead, in just a fraction as many scenes.

Obviously, Ralph would be wrong for Mick height wise, but I could really see him play Mick when he is being charming, sly, persuasive or amusing.

Michele

Nico · #11 05-23-2009, 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by michelej1

I just saw In Bruges the other day and Ralph Fiennes was incredible, especially for someone who enters during the latter part of the movie and really becomes a third lead, in just a fraction as many scenes.

Obviously, Ralph would be wrong for Mick height wise, but I could really see him play Mick when he is being charming, sly, persuasive or amusing.

Michele

Ralph Fiennes is in my top actors of all time list because of Schindler's List and The English Patient alone. I have mad love for his performances in these two films, and as pop as his younger brother may be (and deservedly so, mind you), he has nothing on that kind of sexiness...

Ok, yeah, back on topic: yes, I could see Ralph as Mick more than Joseph as LB. I think he could make all those weird faces almost sinister-like during the "harder living" years. I'd be convinced.

PoetofRhiannon · #12 05-23-2009, 03:51 PM

I do not understand why people would want to make a movie about the career of FM. I mean, why touch something that you could not possibly do justice.
It's like why would an artist try to cover a Michael Jackson? He or she would only kill it.

Why can't we just appreciate what the Mac gives us and the story of their life through their music?