Your families

[Sarah]

meh.

I would consider my "immediate" family to be my mom, dad, and older sister. Well, now I guess I count my brother-in-law as well.

I have one aunt on my mom's side... they are super close, so as a rule, we're close as well I suppose. My aunt has 2 daughters and my mom has 2 daughters, and growing up it was kind of like 4 sisters, because we'd always be at my grandmother's house. My aunt's oldest daughter is the oldest of all of us, and I am the youngest... the total distance of age is 10 years. My sister is next (she's 8 years older), then my other cousin (6 years older), then me. They always picked on me like ****ing hell... it's probably the primary reason I am so feisty. It only took me a few years to learn how to fight back. Other than my step-uncle's family members, this is it for this side of the family pretty much. Since my grandparents passed away, we never see their siblings and families anymore.. and truth be told, I don't like going to family gatherings and talking to everyone anyway. It's embarassing when they start talking about me when I was little. And when all the memories start coming back up, I start getting picked on again. I can't tell you how many holidays have been ruined for me because they think it's just so goddamn funny to pester me to death. I love my family because they're my family, but I honestly don't feel close to anyone.

My dad's side of the family is ridiculously dysfunctional. My abusive, alcoholic grandfather died before I was born. My grandmother remarried when I was quite small, but apparently that guy was an asshole, too. He got alzheimers, was in the nursing home for a long while, and died when I was probably like.. 8 or so. When he went in the nursing home, my great aunt moved in to live with my grandmother there... so to me, I've always had a granny and a Frances on that side. As far as aunts and uncles go... my dad's oldest brother died in a bridge collapse back in the early 70s. His middle brother is married and has 2 children, a boy and a girl. His son and my sister are the same age and were close growing up.. his daughter is, i really don't know how old she is to be honest. 3 years or 4 years older maybe. Again, I'm the youngest. When one of my great aunts passed away, my dad totally just sat back and let my uncle **** us out of a boatload of inheritance money.. for the sake of not disrupting the family. It didn't really work. We don't see or talk to each other anymore. It's all just too weird. And to be really honest, despite the fact that they live literally 5 minutes away, I probably see my granny and Frances like, 4 times a year. Maybe. I've flaked out of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter for the last 4 years now. It just makes me feel like a wanker and a liar to go over there for holiday stuff.. especially if my aunt and uncle are there. Every year, we always said, let's not exchange gifts, and then did anyway. No, it shouldn't be about the gifts... but my aunt shouldn't really give my sister and I the ****ing Elizabeth Arden or Estee Lauder holiday gift set that you get when you buy someone else's present like.. 6, 7 years in a row. Gee, thanks.. this is great. I can't even ****ing take it back. Eyeroll.

It's nice to see that people enjoy their families. My parents are great. My sister and brother-in-law are great (when my sister and I aren't at each other's throats because we have clashing personalities), but they don't live close at all. My aunt is great, but she's in a different town and always busy. I hardly ever see my "sister cousins" anymore. And the oldest one is a total wingnut loon anyway now... you can't really have a conversation with her at all, she's just totally off her rocker. So yeah. I can't wait to eat turkey and stuffing, but I ****ing dread the holidays like crazy burning hell every year. I always volunteer to work so that I have an excuse to drive separately.. so I can leave early.

Being around everyone is just sensory overload, and it kicks my anxiety problems into double high gear. And with the whole family being southern Baptist... yeah. I kind of just sit there, act like I'm listening, and try to cover up the fact that I am trembling and shuddering with nervousness and anxiety. Blah. But I will say it again that my parents are really great. We've had our clashes and aren't very, very close.. but I'm not a warm person anyway. I always wish that I was.. but I just can't bring myself to hug or say I love you. I don't really know why.