Wedding Etiquette?

[David]

Originally Posted by mylittledemon

In an attempt to make Renee feel better after the death of Mr. Fish (She is drowning herself in TV and ice cream) we started talking about the invitations for the wedding. She brought to my attention that certain friends of her have asked "when the date is" so they can make the appropriate measures to attend...when in fact, they arent invited.

What does one do when someone assumes they are invited before the invitations have gone out? I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings. But right now the guest list is at about 65 people...and we wanted to keep it at 50! Does anyone have any clues? I've done some searching on google and cant find anything on that particular topic.

That's an unfortunate situation (which may be the understatement of the century). Here's what Judith Martin has to say in her book "Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings" (a book worth tracking down, if you have the chance):

Suppose the size [of your wedding] you decide upon, either because you prefer it or because that is all you can afford, or both, is smaller than the number of people who will be hurt if not invited?

Of course Miss Manners said you couldn't hurt them, not that you had to invite them. To avoid doing both, you must limit the list by categories unrelated to individual likes or dislikes. "There are so many close friends we would love to have, but we're having just a private ceremony with members of the immediate family," is a polite explanation that ought to satisfy any reasonable friend. So is "We're not having any children," or "We've had to define 'family' only as far as first cousins, not second cousins."

What of the common variation of this -- "We'd love to invite everybody, but we can only afford to have x people"? It has belatedly occurred to Miss Manners that there is something inherently rude in allowing style & cost to prevail over emotional bonds. When something has to be cut, it should be the menu & frills, not the guests. Let us say, for example, that you have a large family or a huge circle of friends who truly care about you & with whom you would like to share your wedding, but feeding them all dinner is prohibitive. The solution is to feed them all wedding cake & punch, rather than to feed everything to only a few of them. All that is required is not to set the wedding near a mealtime.

While the idea of dividing the list between the two families -- or four sets of parents, as can easily happen nowadays -- is a fair one, polite people will be flexible enough to count guests by relationship, rather than number. If he has six uncles & she has none, it would be thoughtful to fit the list to his family, without the bride's demanding to throw in six extra acquaintances to make things even.

Miss Manners would like to hear of the families planning together by asking first, "Whom would you like to have?" & only afterward, "Well, let's see. What can we afford to feed them?" It would be an excellent introduction, Miss Manners believes, to the special definition of fairness & generosity essential to a successful marriage.