Your New Year's resolution..?? - Page 8

ontheEdgeof17 · #**106** 01-02-2007, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by danax6

Is the fact that he's a smoker the only thing that's standing in the way right now, or are there other things on your 'hate' list? Has he even considered giving it up but been unsuccessful, or is he not even going to try?

What a sucky ass situation you're in Curtis...

He says he is trying to quit, but I haven't seen effort. It got unbearable in NYC. I stayed in a smoking hotel room and sat in smoking sections of places. They were even smoking in the car. I try not to say anything cuz he already knows....for months now.....and he still does it in front of my face. He even smoked 5 minutes before midnight...right before we kissed.

GardenStateGirlie · #**107** 01-02-2007, 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by danax6

My resolution was to get back into the college game, and as of today I am officially a college student again, at the splendid age of 24. They say better late than never...

Right?

i'm proud of you!! returning to college was seriously the best decision i've ever made and no, it's never too late to finish your education

Rickypt · #**108** 01-02-2007, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ontheEdgeof17

Thanks.

What do you do and say when someone you love very deeply is doing something you hate very deeply (i.e. smoking)? I refuse to have him choose. It's not fair to him and it would be one, big disaster. I'd rather just walk away from it.....Sometimes I feel he loves those things more than me. I'm at a loss. Is walking away the right thing to do?

I don't know if you're just asking Carrie for advice, if so then just ignore this.

People are probably sick of hearing about my experience, but I'll say that I never thought I'd be with a smoker. Then I met Gil (late partner). When we first got together, I thought to myself that I would get him to stop within a few months...that if he loved me he'd do it.

After awhile I didn't even think about it because I was so in love with him that it didn't really matter to me that he smoked. I regret not talking with him more about the smoking, though, because it did hasten his death when the cancer spread to his lungs.

My point, though, is that I'm not sure someone's smoking is worth breaking up over this early into the relationship? I shudder to think what my life would be like if I had rejected my great relationship so early on.

Smoking is really bad, but I think different than if he were a drug addict or something. You love him deeply--that is huge. Does he have to "choose" right away? Can you keep working on the relationship and then when it hits the really serious moment (i.e., moving in together, etc.) address the smoking? In the meantime, just let him know how much you hate the smoking and that if he wants to grow the relationship he'll have to quit at some point? That way he has time to reflect on it and the make the "choice" at his own pace?

Maybe there's more going on than the smoking, but when I read things like "I love him deeply", then I think the relationship is worth working on.

Rickypt · #**109** 01-02-2007, 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ontheEdgeof17

He says he is trying to quit, but I haven't seen effort. It got unbearable in NYC. I stayed in a smoking hotel room and sat in smoking sections of places. They were even smoking in the car. I try not to say anything cuz he already knows....for months now.....and he still does it in front of my face. He even smoked 5 minutes before midnight...right before we kissed.

Maybe this is what you guys can work on first. Instead of his quitting, he can certainly make compromises like not smoking in the car and forcing you to be in smoking sections.

sparky · #**110** 01-02-2007, 01:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ontheEdgeof17

He says he is trying to quit, but I haven't seen effort. It got unbearable in NYC. I stayed in a smoking hotel room and sat in smoking sections of places. They were even smoking in the car. I try not to say anything cuz he already knows....for months now.....and he still does it in front of my face. He even smoked 5 minutes before midnight...right before we kissed.

That seems rude. I dated people before who didn't smoke, and never once did we stay in smoking rooms or eat in smoking restaurants. Hell, those places are skanky. I can go outside to smoke. And would never smoke in the truck. I always asked if I was unsure. I mean, sheesh. I respect the fact that others don't want to deal with it. That being said, I have had bf types want me to quit or cut down. Which never bothered me. They understood I was gonna stop when I wanted to and it was never a deal breaker for them. I didn't hide it, so they knew it was part of the guy they were getting.

It's a tough call man. But it sounds to me like it isn't just the smokes.

Sounds like it's becoming a power struggle.

danax6 · #**111** 01-02-2007, 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ontheEdgeof17

He says he is trying to quit, but I haven't seen effort. It got unbearable in NYC. I stayed in a smoking hotel room and sat in smoking sections of places. They were even smoking in the car. I try not to say anything cuz he already knows....for months now.....and he still does it in front of my face. He even smoked 5 minutes before midnight...right before we kissed.

Ah yes, that's very rude and not to mention very inconsiderate. If you ask me he's not putting in any effort at all. I'm a smoker myself, and I have to admit that in the past I haven't always been considerate of the people I dated, but I mostly dated people that smoked also, to avoid messes like these. I once dated a guy that asked me to quit, but he wasn't worth my effort, if you know what I mean. I hate to say it, but I think that if a person really wants to, he can quit smoking. Especially if it's to keep that special person close. I'd say that'd be plenty of motivation, if health alone isn't going to cut it.

GardenStateGirlie · #**112** 01-02-2007, 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ontheEdgeof17

He says he is trying to quit, but I haven't seen effort. It got unbearable in NYC. I stayed in a smoking hotel room and sat in smoking sections of places. They were even smoking in the car. I try not to say anything cuz he already knows....for months now.....and he still does it in front of my face. He even smoked 5 minutes before midnight...right before we kissed.

do you think he keeps saying it because he knows that even if he doesn't quit, you'll still be there?

at any rate, i'm sorry to hear about your troubles, curtis.

danax6 · #**113** 01-02-2007, 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GardenStateGirlie

i'm proud of you!! returning to college was seriously the best decision i've ever made and no, it's never too late to finish your education

Thanks, hon. For the longest time I was happy with my decision about quitting, because I had a great job and a great apartment, and I wasn't struggling, so I didn't think that dropping out was going to affect my life in a major way. Then when I lost my job last fall I realized that it was all an -channeling Lindsey here- exercise in denial. That's when I learned that I had nothing to fall back on, and that great jobs like those only come around once in a life time. I was facing a job as a cashiere, or worse, for the rest of my life and it scared me to death. Not to mention all the people around me that were my age and had degrees and great jobs and were buying houses and stuff like that. Luckily, I found a job that allows me to both pay for college and have the time to study. If I put some effort into it, ofcourse.

So, to any youngsters who are reading this: finish school!

ontheEdgeof17 · #**114** 01-02-2007, 02:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rickypt

Maybe this is what you guys can work on first. Instead of his quitting, he can certainly make compromises like not smoking in the car and forcing you to be in smoking sections.

Your story broke my heart.

Thanks for sharing that with us.

Well, if we do stay together, I will just book my own hotel room and sit in smoke-free sections....without him.

Him smoking in the car took the cake. We got in a little tiff after we ate on the way home. Lighting up in the car seemed like a big "F-You. I'll do what I want.".....cuz he knows very well I don't like that the most.

ontheEdgeof17 · #**115** 01-02-2007, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparky

It's a tough call man. But it sounds to me like it isn't just the smokes.

Sounds like it's becoming a power struggle.

danax6 · #**116** 01-02-2007, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ontheEdgeof17

Him smoking in the car took the cake. We got in a little tiff after we ate on the way home. Lighting up in the car seemed like a big "F-You. I'll do what I want.".....cuz he knows very well I don't like that the most.

Sparky was onto something when he mentioned power struggles...

edit: you already agreed with that also, never mind

Rickypt · #**117** 01-02-2007, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ontheEdgeof17

Well, if we do stay together, I will just book my own hotel room and sit in smoke-free sections....without him.

No....if you do stay together, then he will stay in nonsmoking rooms and go outside to smoke. That is what considerate people do. If I were you, I'd consider going a little easy on telling him to quit right now, but I would be firm about the hotel room, smoking in car, etc. He does need to show he can compromise on those things.

skcin · #**118** 01-02-2007, 03:13 PM

Curtis, Kris is being a total d*ck. He's literally putting your health at risk! I smoked for years, and I never smoked near non-smokers in cars, at houses, in hotel rooms, etc. It's inconsiderate & rude, to say the least.

Do you think he's doing it on purpose? Like, trying to get to you so bad that you'll break up with him?

ontheEdgeof17 · #**119** 01-02-2007, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skcin

Do you think he's doing it on purpose? Like, trying to get to you so bad that you'll break up with him?

I dunno.

He knows I'm emotional, sometimes weak....a little mentally unstable (haha). I have no idea what his intentions are.

I know I haven't been the perfect bf. I've made many mistakes, but I've never been disrepectful to him....to his friends, yes.

I guess I don't fit since I don't smoke and speak French.

SuzeQuze · #**120** 01-02-2007, 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GardenStateGirlie

i'm proud of you!! returning to college was seriously the best decision i've ever made and no, it's never too late to finish your education

I agree.

You're still so young Vanessa! I'm very proud of you also. Plus, you can pass for one of those 20 year olds!