Did I do the right thing?

DrummerDeanna · #1 11-02-2006, 06:43 PM

Ok - so I don't know if y'all remember but my sister and mom have major drama going on.

Well this weekend/early this week - they tried to sort of reconcile...sort of. My mom was invited to my nephew's piano recital - but she was nervous and sick the whole time - and did nothing but talk about herself the entire time...she was in high manic mode.

Anyway - at the crux of their problems is the fact that my dad is a convicted pedophile. My sister cut him off years ago - and my mom was supposed to to do the same. She has...but here's where I wonder..

She still runs into all sorts of people who have connections to him. We've told her not to tell them ANYTHING about us - especially my sister because she's absolutely terrified that he'll try and get to my nephew.

Ok - so my mom swears she doesn't discuss us with anyone, ever.

Ok - so this past weekend we're at a restaurant and we run into this woman who is the daughter of a guy that my dad is supposedly running drugs with currently.

I walk over and my mom is going on about how well I'm doing in Colorado etc...

This girl basically has a direct connection to my dad. My mom then added a "oh but don't say anything..." thing...like THAT's going to happen.

So here's where my "did I do the right thing" question comes in. I told my sister about the exchange. And it, of course, blew up in my face (on the mom side).

But I'm just as concerned about my nephew (and my sister has had some very weird things happening lately - like a mysterious car that followed her - then sat parked in front of her house for 20 minutes...). I just thought she ought to know that as well hidden as she thought she was - that might not be the case...

I also discussed my concern with my mom - she freaked out. I mean FREAKED out. My mom still claims she doesn't tell people about us, that I should have kept my mouth shut etc...

I'm starting to think I should have kept my mouth shut

I hate family drama...but I was just curious to see what others might think..did I overstep my boundaries?

michelle2677 · #2 11-02-2006, 06:51 PM

Deanna, I didn't realize there was so much stuff going on with your family. That is awful about your dad. Why is he not in jail??

anyway...I'm sorry, I don't have a lot of advice. Hindsight IS always 20/20, but I wanted to say that I am so happy for you that you turned out to be such a sweet and kind person given your circumstances. Kudos to you!!!

DrummerDeanna · #3 11-02-2006, 06:55 PM

Thanks

He was in prison - when I was 3-5 - then because of our family's ties to some very powerful people in the state - he got out early. He SHOULD be a registered sex offender - but he's not. The last I heard he was living in Phoenix - and running drugs in New Mexico

And my sister and I always marvel at how we turned out because of him and our neuroticass mother. Ugh - guess education really is important

Anyway -he left when I was 7 and since he was in prison for a chunk of time before that I remember very little - but my sister is 10 years older than me and had a much harder life. And has more to lose by being found by him...

That's what my mom doesn't understand - at the heart of her issue with my mom is the intense need to protect my nephew...and she just doesn't get it.

michelle2677 · #4 11-02-2006, 07:05 PM

not to criticize your mother, but every parent's number one duty should be to protect their children. Even if it's from the other parent. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this BS. If there's anything you need (hit man?

) let me know.

DrummerDeanna · #5 11-02-2006, 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by michelle2677

not to criticize your mother, but every parent's number one duty should be to protect their children. Even if it's from the other parent. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this BS. If there's anything you need (hit man?

) let me know.

My mom never got the manual that states that one

But you're right and that's the main problem my sister has with my mom. And the fact that my mom just shrugs it all off as "I did the best I could" Ugh....but she's in therapy now which I THOUGHT was helping until I talked to her today and she FREAKED out.

I mean FREAKED out. I finally told her to call her counselor and hung up.

My sister went through years of therapy to deal with my dad stuff and to learn to deal with my mom...

And I just found out that I finally have decent insurance that covers therapist visists...I'm gonna go that route as well

michelle2677 · #6 11-02-2006, 07:16 PM

I would recommend it!! And I know you love your mom, and you want her to be happy, but not at the price of YOUR happiness. God, I have dealt with so much **** w/ my parents (NOTHING Like what you're going through) and I just got tired of being the adult (even when i was 15) . so to hell with it.

You have to make you happy. If she can't deal with that, then there lies the (obvious) problem

**mylittledemon** · #7 11-02-2006, 07:19 PM

Hey don't live your life in fear of your father. I wouldnt go around discussing things that you dont want to be repeated outside the circles in which you confide in, but...those that love you will give you a heads up if they know your Dad is creeping around. I'd just leave it be. Does your father still try to contact any of you? Cant you tell the police that your father is "unregistered" as a sex offender?

sara1998 · #8 11-02-2006, 07:20 PM

Deanna, for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. I mean, apparently, your sister suffered with your father, and the fears for her son are as real to her as anything. She needs to know that your mother has been talking. Whether it blew up in an argument or not. There's obviously nothing you or your sister can do to make your mom understand why you two don't want your dad to know where you live. I would almost not let mom know your where-abouts. I know that's hard, but if it's what you have to do to stay safe..... Good luck with it, Deanna. I'll be thinking of you.

DrummerDeanna · #9 11-02-2006, 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mylittledemon

Hey don't live your life in fear of your father. I wouldnt go around discussing things that you dont want to be repeated outside the circles in which you confide in, but...those that love you will give you a heads up if they know your Dad is creeping around. I'd just leave it be. Does your father still try to contact any of you? Cant you tell the police that your father is "unregistered" as a sex offender?

I'm not in fear of him, not for myself...but I do fear for my nephew. He hasn't tried to contact my sister - but a few years ago he started using my address and phone number and as a result I was getting harassed by collection agents and one very scary bookie or something. I changed my number (three times) and tried to ask the post office if there was something that could be done...they said no...but the mail and such stopped...or I moved enough to where he's lost track...

And yeah - my mom had to "get in contact" with him recently (though she claims it was all ok since it was done through a lawyer) and I asked her, since she had his info if she could call the Phoenix PD and report him...I forgot to follow up to see if she did...

Quote:

Originally Posted by sara1998

Deanna, for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. I mean, apparently, your sister suffered with your father, and the fears for her son are as real to her as anything. She needs to know that your mother has been talking. Whether it blew up in an argument or not. There's obviously nothing you or your sister can do to make your mom understand why you two don't want your dad to know where you live. I would almost not let mom know your where-abouts. I know that's hard, but if it's what you have to do to stay safe..... Good luck with it, Deanna. I'll be thinking of you.

Thanks. My sister is pretty much competely ready to cut ties completely with my mom. She even confided in me that she's started to feel feelings of hatred toward her..which really isn't a good thing...

I start to feel bad then I realize she's made her bed and is now lying in it as far as she and my sister are concerned....

I was trying to stay out of the middle...funny how I end up there more often than I'd like...though I just felt like I couldn't sit on the information this time around.....

What a mess- and let me tell ya I've never looked forward to spending holidays alone until this year

sara1998 · #10 11-02-2006, 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrummerDeanna

I was trying to stay out of the middle...funny how I end up there more often than I'd like...though I just felt like I couldn't sit on the information this time around.....

Neutral parties always get stuck in the middle. I honestly think you did the right thing by not sitting on the info. It's something your sister needs to know.

michelle2677 · #11 11-02-2006, 07:35 PM

I agree^^

and deanna-why does your mom still need to contact him???? they are divorced, right?? so what's the deal there?

DrummerDeanna · #12 11-02-2006, 07:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by michelle2677

I agree^^

and deanna-why does your mom still need to contact him???? they are divorced, right?? so what's the deal there?

OMG...such a long and annoying story.

Lets see if I can summarize...

She wanted to retire early - though she's totally not financially viable enough...but when she divorced in 1987 they didn't take retirement benefits into account. So she found out that some $200 of her retirement would go to him, unless he signed something waiving that money.

So she had to find him to get him to waive that money.

So on the one hand I can understand she doesn't want him getting hard-earned cash. On the other hand she's opened Pandora's box.

I just talked to her again and my head is going to explode- I think I will drink heavily tonight -

She's not blaming the whole sister/mom situation on me....which is news to me...but totally her way - anything to not take responsibility for her own actions in this whole thing....

Sugar · #13 11-02-2006, 09:36 PM

You're golden.

Imagine if something happened (and I'm sure you were doing just that), how sorry would you be? Your sister has a right to know your mother could be disclosing information about her in your father's direction. Especially if your mother has been specifically asked not to. I'm a mom; I'd want to know.

This is your mother's shame, not yours. She's just pissed you made her have to look it in the eye. And that's her problem.

irishgrl · #14 11-02-2006, 09:41 PM

Girl you did exactly right. I think I'd be cutting off my mom about now...move or change your ph # or something.....and your sister should too. Your mom is in denial, and is sabotaging both of your safety...this is a personal issue for me too, for a number of reasons. Man, I think I better quit before I say something I'll regret

sara1998 · #15 11-03-2006, 07:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sugar

This is your mother's shame, not yours. She's just pissed you made her have to look it in the eye. And that's her problem.

You said everything I wanted to right there, but didn't quite know how.