How do you prepare to say goodbye to your mother??

Villavic · #1 09-29-2006, 02:05 PM

My mother got diabetes hypotyroids years ago. Since last year she got complicated (because of diabetes) the kidneys and now she needs dialisis 3 times per week.

in late august she got a surgeon to get a graft, an artificial vein for better manage of the surgeon. Well, she got high blood pressure (really high) during the surgeon and she didn't wake up completely after that. It's been more than a month and she does not talk, doesn't look at you, doesn't dialogue, though she answers small phrases when you asked her something. Her brain was affected because of that high pressure

Doctors have not found exactly what happens, but a big suspect is that she got a brain infarct or stroke (don't know translation) and I'm already thinking she will never come back completely.

The point of this thread is, how do you prepare to this? I mean, last time I talk to her, a real talk not a single hello like yesterday, was on august 22. And it's like she is not here anymore. Though I see her.

I guess that if she dies in few months, I won't cry a lot since I already miss her and I already cried, like 2 days ago. But I don't know, I still see her every day and feel her presence, though at the same time it's like she is not there.. I think people with relatives that suffer Alzheimer may understand me. It's a weird sensation, it's like I already now I have to say goodbye to her, so when she passes away it won't affect me a lot, but.. I don't know. maybe it will.
Cause I already feel I said goodbye to the person I used to know. It's like part of her has been gone. I don't know, it's weird, really weird.

ELIUD · #2 09-29-2006, 02:19 PM

I'm so very sorry. I don't really know how to answer your question, or understand your mom's actual condition. But I probaby wouldn't say "goodbye" to her yet. If she's partially responsive, you might just break her heart while you're visiting by showing her you've lost all hope. So when you visit, maybe you could just hold her hand, tell her you love her and speak to her about other things and say "goodbye" when she passes.

DrummerDeanna · #3 09-29-2006, 02:20 PM

Oh I'm so sorry about this

I don't think you can ever fully prepare to say goodbye to a parent. I had a good friend whose mother had a horrible bought with cancer - she pretty much wasted away - everyone knew the end was near, and though they'd prepared for it - and would be ready - but I'm not sure you ever really can be.

And when people get that sick, and now that they will soon die - there is a tendency to "disconnect" from family, friends and their surroundings, I've seen this happen now in three situations, it's incredibly hard for all involved....and it's so painful to see someone you love in pain.

On edit: There's this notion that we should not talk about death or say goodbye to sick people while they are still living, btu sometimes that's what the person wants. In all three cases of people in my family's circle who've been horribly sick - they wanted very much to say their goodbyes, talk about the end - but in at least one case no one would let her! They all kept up the, "don't talk like that....you'll get better" etc - but I think a person knows when they're just not going to -and if someone needs to say goodbyes or talk about death, I think it's important to let them, though it is incredibly painful.

Again, I'm really sorry about your mom - your family will be in my prayers.

estranged4life · #4 09-29-2006, 02:31 PM

to say goodbye, trust me on that one.

Just hang in there is all I can say, I think the other posts have said more than I could say on this matter.

DavidMn · #5 09-29-2006, 02:38 PM

My thoughts are with you. Its unimaginable for me to lose my mother.

Villavic · #6 09-29-2006, 02:43 PM

Thanks to everyone.
Just to explain you about my question, I wouldn't say goodbye directly to her, never; it's just inside my mind, of course.

And I don't know how much her brain is working. I guess she doesn't remember what happens few moments before. She recognizes everybody, but she speaks just a hello and how are you. There is no long dialogue stablished. If at least I knew what's happening insde her mind...

As a relief,, she seems not to be in pain, cause it seems she doesn't realize what's happening. I don't see pain in her eyes. Fortunately. But I'm not sure anyway

michelle2677 · #7 09-29-2006, 04:50 PM

I'm sorry. I don't know how to help you or give you any words of advice that will make you feel better as I have never gone through something like this. I just hope that you and your mother have some good days you can share and laugh before the inevitible.

HomerMcvie · #8 09-29-2006, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Villavic

Thanks to everyone.
Just to explain you about my question, I wouldn't say goodbye directly to her, never; it's just inside my mind, of course.

And I don't know how much her brain is working. I guess she doesn't remember what happens few moments before. She recognizes everybody, but she speaks just a hello and how are you. There is no long dialogue stablished. If at least I knew what's happening insde her mind...

As a relief,, she seems not to be in pain, cause it seems she doesn't realize what's happening. I don't see pain in her eyes. Fortunately. But I'm not sure anyway

I never actually said goodbye to my Mother either. We knew it was time, and I guess she did, too. She wasted away with pancreatic cancer. Actually, only the last 10-12 days were bad(we had chosen Hospice, at home). The last 3-4 days, we didn't THINK that she knew what was going on(maybe she didn't), but, a few minutes before she died, I walked in(I'd been next door, at my house, trying to find someone to work for me that night), and my aunt said, "Dot, David's here now". She let out a fairly big moan when my aunt said that, and died a few minutes later. We then all wondered if she might've been aware of what was going on, even though she appeared to be comatose. My aunt thinks that she was waiting on me, before dying(I'm an only child, and we were very close).

And, to tell you the truth, we were all actually relieved when it was finally over. She'd fought so hard, for 2 years(after being given a 3-4 month prognosis), and the last two weeks were so bad, that we were relieved that the suffering was done.

estranged4life · #9 09-29-2006, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HomerMcvie

And, to tell you the truth, we were all actually relieved when it was finally over. She'd fought so hard, for 2 years(after being given a 3-4 month prognosis), and the last two weeks were so bad, that we were relieved that the suffering was done.

better about saying goodbye had my own Mother's passing been due to an illness, not from gross medical negligence & incompetence.

macmar71 · #10 09-29-2006, 06:49 PM

Sorry to hear this...I don't Know what more I can say... a very sad situation. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

PsychCat · #11 09-29-2006, 07:52 PM

HomerMcVie put it so wonderfully. I worked at a hospice residence for a year and witnessed many passings. Being that I am a very spiritual person... to me, it is not so much about saying "goodbye" as it is "see you again". No matter what happens, I believe the spirit remains with us.

I know this probably doesn't really help but do know that you and your family are in my prayers. Peace be with you all during this time.

HomerMcvie · #12 09-29-2006, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PsychCat

HomerMcVie put it so wonderfully. I worked at a hospice residence for a year and witnessed many passings. Being that I am a very spiritual person... to me, it is not so much about saying "goodbye" as it is "see you again". No matter what happens, I believe the spirit remains with us.

I know this probably doesn't really help but do know that you and your family are in my prayers. Peace be with you all during this time.

My aunt actually made her daughters promise not to do Hospice with her. The reason was- we REALLY weren't able to take care of Mom "right", those last two weeks. Even though she was down to 100 lbs, we couldn't lift her, without hurting her. She was dead weight, and we just weren't trained in how to do it. And, of course she was messing herself, and we were at a loss. Hospice came in, once a day, and cleaned her up, but that wasn't enough. We thought about trying to get her into a nursing home, but by the time we came to that realization(sp-that looks funny), it was really too late to get her into one. Of course we were thankful that the REALLY bad time, was less than two weeks.

And yeah, it's never easy. We're all born to die though. Death, is natural, and inevitable.

BTFLCHLD · #13 09-30-2006, 02:02 AM

Villavic...I can't imagine how it must feel. I still weep about my dad all these years later. There is little comfort for me. I even shared a little bit of that in the HIJACK thread. When my dad passed, my parents were divorced already and my father had remarried. There was so much bitterness involved with my parents that I didn't find out until 2 months after he had passed. His new wife didn't want him involved with his children but he still did the best he could. My mom found out he was gone via her lawyer when the new wife's lawyer called and told her so. I was out of state at the time and she actually called me at work. She didn't want to tell me but she knew she had to. Still hurts. Villavic...even though it is one of the most difficult life experiences, be there for mom as you are. I would give my left leg and right eye to have had the time with my father.

Take care...

Recalling now that it was just before father's day and my card was returned.

DavidMn · #14 09-30-2006, 03:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BTFLCHLD

Villavic...I can't imagine how it must feel. I still weep about my dad all these years later. There is little comfort for me. I even shared a little bit of that in the HIJACK thread. When my dad passed, my parents were divorced already and my father had remarried. There was so much bitterness involved with my parents that I didn't find out until 2 months after he had passed. His new wife didn't want him involved with his children but he still did the best he could. My mom found out he was gone via her lawyer when the new wife's lawyer called and told her so. I was out of state at the time and she actually called me at work. She didn't want to tell me but she knew she had to. Still hurts. Villavic...even though it is one of the most difficult life experiences, be there for mom as you are. I would give my left leg and right eye to have had the time with my father.

Take care...

Recalling now that it was just before father's day and my card was returned.

Thats yough. You shouldnt have had to wait like that.

jannieC · #15 09-30-2006, 07:17 AM

I have been a patient volunteer with Hospice for about 3 years now, and I still don't know how to answer this question. Everyone is different and the way they say good bye differs as well. Usually by the time the patient dies, the family has already mourned the loss like you have. Sudden death or long drawn out illness; you're still going to miss the person in your life. But with an illness, you do have some time to mentally prepare yourself. I don't know the extent of your relationship, but I think it's important to be sure to tell your mother, out loud, how much you love her and always will. Not for her necessarily, but for you. Other than that, I think you're doing all you can do. Try not to feel guilty if you feel somewhat relieved when she does pass away. It's a normal reaction to watching someone you love in pain. My heart goes out to you.