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#1
08-14-2006, 08:08 PM
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Marriage/relationships
With celebrities in the news all the time for their breakups, and with the divorce rate so high, I'm curious to know what you guys think. Why don't people stay in long term relationships or marriages? I'm asking in general, not specifically to celebrities.
Do people give up more easily? Do people get married just because they feel they should (ie - getting "older", financial reasons) instead of waiting for the right person? Have weddings become more important than marriage? Are people less committed these days, or less forgiving, or both? Is the web making it easier to cheat by enabling people to meet others more easily? Do people not bother making a financial plan before they wed/move in together? Do they not discuss how kids should be raised ahead of time? Are people more unwilling to bend & compromise for their partners? Or are they less dependent on others, making it less necessary to stay with the wrong person for the wrong reasons? Does anyone have other theories? I know, there are a million different reasons. I personally think that part of the increased divorce rate is that in the past, people stayed together no matter what, whether it was healthy or not - and I don't think that was always a good thing, esp. if it was an abusive situation. My great aunt used to say "yeah, John smacked me a few times, but I understood."  I was like HUH?!?! On the other hand, this man built his house with his own 2 hands, worked his ass off all his life,loved his wife & kids more than anything AND they were married for over 60 years. I never heard a negative thing about him - he didn't hit his kids, my aunt wasn't bruised & battered - they were very happy. She probably smacked him a few times too. OK, this cute love story is NOT meant to condone beating your spouse, I just realized it may sound that way. Ooops. Well, the other side of the story if my mom's cousin, who got the **** beat out of her every day of her married life in the 1960's by her alcoholic husband. She finally snapped & stabbed him to death with a kitchen knife one night while he was beating her. The cops knew the house so well from all the domestic calls they got that it was ruled an accident. He "fell" on the knife. Maybe if it were more acceptable for this young Catholic girl to get a divorce, it wouldn't have happened that way - who knows? Anyway. Um. OK. Maybe not the best examples. BUT I tend to think that people today give up more easily. Everything's so....temporary now. Disposable. I don't know. It's worrisome. Thoughts? 
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#2
08-15-2006, 09:10 AM
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I think you nailed it with the "tempory" idea...everything is "for awhile", not for-ever. I think that everyone is in such a rush, rush, rush.
The patience is gone...fPeople get itchy when waiting for anything! From waiting in line at a drive up window for food-that you called ahead on your cell- to make sure it would be ready to pick up... And getting gas. Think about it. You don't even have to go inside- You pull up, put a card in the pump, pump your fuel, get a receiept (and some people don't even bother with that), And then you're off again to the next rushed destination. Seems to be that waiting for something is a bad thing, whereas it used to be a good thing. I really think that impatience has alot to do with marriage break-ups. May sound simple and maybe it is... but I think our American society just "Can't Wait"- for the "right" spouse, for the work required to make a marriage last, when thigs get rocky...for things to settle down and work out, for an apology, for a slow response, I think we just can't wait for time to take time.... Then again, I know crap...
__________________
 For never have I been a blue calm sea...I have always been a storm, always been a storm... sln ~~eclipse~~
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#3
08-15-2006, 10:44 AM
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I think you nailed it with all of your points, Paula. I was married once before for two years and so I am guilty of this phenomenon. A successful marriage takes a lot of work and total committment. I've been with my (now) husband (heh) 12 years (5 married) and I can honestly say that unless he murders someone in my family, we will not get divorced. We've been through pretty much everything a couple can go trhough and yet we still hang on. Well, except he's never physically abused me or vice versa.
I think that people feel a sense of entitlement- if I'm married I should be happy 100% of the time. That's a joke. I think expectations are set way too high. One has to realize that people are just PEOPLE and that you will not always agree on everything all the time. Marriage is not taken seriously anymore. Everyone knows going in that it's relatively easy to get out. I think if someone is more concerned about the ceremoney, etc they are in for a rude awakening. A friend of mine has a daughter who recently had a gigantic wedding. Like 400+ people. Planned for a solid year, etc. 2 months after the wedding, she moved out (I would kill her!). She basically had a nervous breakdown after the wedding. Life became boring- ha! I know I sound mean, but come on! I don't really know where I'm going with this. 
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#4
08-15-2006, 10:50 AM
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^ I DO! People are so focused on the wedding now (which society has made into a social event at which the bride feels that she has to impress her guests & expect gifts in return for an expensive meal, rather than just wanting to share her happiness) that afterwards, they have nothing to do. Planning & excitement & nervousness are gone - now what?
 Be married? How do you do that? It's not always fun.I honestly think this is why some people have kids so soon - they have to be planning something & looking forward to an event. People say "we want to have a baby" much more than I hear them say "we really want to raise great kids & have them contribute to society & make a family." That baby will get older - then what? I say, buy a house that need renovating - that'll give you something to do, lol.
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#5
08-15-2006, 11:28 AM
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I agree with all that has been said. People do seem to be in a rush at times.
I'm currently having major probs with my marriage at the moment. Hand on heart I can say that we would not still be together if we didn't have the kids. Maybe it has made us try harder.. I just don't know anymore. But I'm not sure how much longer we can hang on really 
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#7
08-15-2006, 11:41 AM
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Quote:
 ~i have been w/ my hubby for 20 yrs now (13 married), & we too have been thru the ringer together, except for domestic violence & infidelity, we have been thru alot, deaths, job loss, miscarriges, having to move...~ but i can honestly say i can't think of anyone else i would want to be with thru this bumpy ass road of life~ he is my rock & i am thankful for him everyday~
__________________
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#8
08-15-2006, 12:45 PM
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Thanks guys. And Jill... it's great that you have such a strong relationship with your hubby. We've been together 15 years, married 12 years this past Sunday.
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#9
08-15-2006, 02:05 PM
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Everybody's posts are dead on right. People rush into marriage with out thinking it through. I remember when I divorced my husband in 1993. I was 22 years old with a 2 year old. My husband chose meth over us and it was the most painful experience I have ever been through. When I stood before God and gave my values I meant every word. It was so hard to walk away but I had no other choice. After that ended I vowed never to marry again. That was a bit extreme but that's how I felt. For years people would ask "what aren't you married?" like something was wrong with me. My FORMER best friend from high school called me a few years ago to tell me she had re-married and that she was having a baby. I was so happy for her and then she unleashed on me saying things like "What's wrong with you ~ why aren't you married ~ why don't you grow up?" I thought I was going to kill her. Why do people think something is wrong with you if you choose to be single. People seem to have this fear about singles. I have never understood it. I did re-marry in 2005 but not because I felt pressure too. I met the man that I wanted to share the rest of my life with.
__________________
~ Catherine ~  "Everyone born in the month of February thinks they are right!" Quote from a lady at the table next to us at Don Pablo's!!  http://www.myspace.com/catherinetuliano
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#10
08-15-2006, 02:28 PM
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I don't have any theories, but I do agree with some of things that have been posted here. I think the majority of people just don't give a chit. Good marriages last, chitty ones don't. It is those that shouldn't be together in the first place that get together and then drop out. A lot of people just don't care about a person...sometimes it is what can you do for me...what can you give me...and if it's not enough they throw it away like yesterday's grocery bag. Then throw in the options...toss one there is another down the block. Very sad. I am happy I have had a great love in my lifetime. I don't need today's version of love. I am happy...I am content...with or without "mrright"
 I feel for you guys...and hope you all have a trulove in your lifetime.
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#11
08-15-2006, 02:37 PM
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Quote:
A lot of people fall into that "I'm single and you're single, so let's not be single together" trap, when they'd really be much better off learning more about themselves first.
__________________
"Although the arrogance of fame lingers like a thick cloud around the famous, the sun always seems to shine for Stevie." -- Richard Dashut, 2014
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#13
08-15-2006, 03:08 PM
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Quote:
You have to really "like" your partner.
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#14
08-15-2006, 03:12 PM
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Quote:
__________________
"Although the arrogance of fame lingers like a thick cloud around the famous, the sun always seems to shine for Stevie." -- Richard Dashut, 2014
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#15
08-15-2006, 03:13 PM
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Quote:
I'm getting really tired of the, "oh you're single??" then I get a look as though I've just coughed up something vile. I am actually single by choice. In Rochester I had the opportunity to be in a relationship with four different guys - I'm relatively certain one would have married me  In a recent cutting him off e-mail he said, "I LOVED YOU!!!" and some other stuff  I'm just not willing to settle...but a lot of people are. I know someone (a friend of my sisters) who is getting married to the bigges loser. She's beautiful and a good person - but was tired of being single so she's settled. He's gross. He's a 35-year-old "skater". It's in quotes because he can't skate. He just quit his job because "he didn't like it" so now she's supporting a fat, lazy, no-personality skater so she can get married. They just had a wedding invitation making party and the dude played video games the whole time, except once when he got up to criticizet he invites - then in front of all the women he decided to feed his snake. Anyway..... A lot of people settle. A lot of people rush it. My mom just the other day updated me on a childhood friend I'd lost touch with: "She's still Jasso, she never did get married." Made her sound like an old maid - she's only one year older than me !!! What's scary though is sometimes I fall into that societal mind set and begin to think that something is wrong with me because I'm single and not married. Then I review my life so far and decide that I'm doing really well. I like myself too much to settle for someone just for the sake of being coupled or just for the sake of a wedding.
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