Bi-polar Friends

CelticGypsy · #1 05-05-2006, 02:40 AM

Do you have any or know anyone who has this disorder?

Any suggestions on how to relate to them. I have been friends with a woman who is middle-aged. She says she has mild bi-polar disorder. She doesn't take any medications or see a therapist. Do they make up problems to gain your sympathy? She is very selfish and uncaring about other people so I don't hang out with her too much. She seems to be in a "victim mode" all the time. She is very sensitive so I try to not say things to make her upset but sometimes she takes conversations the wrong way.

My hubby thinks I should just walk away from this friendship. IF that is what it is because most of the time our conversations is all about HER

I am starting to agree with him.

Red · #2 05-05-2006, 03:16 AM

I hear you.

I have a very good friend, actually my oldest friend since I've known since I was 12, who has something called schizo-affective disorder which is a cross between schizophrenia and bi-polar. She takes a lot of meds, including anti-psychotics, anti-depressants and mood stabilizers to curb her mania.

It is truly awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Self indulgent behavior is a big part of it, and is often fostered and fueled by people around them. Medication, for her anyway, is completely necessary or she will wind up in an institute as she has on 3 seperate occasions. Unfortunately the meds have all but destroyed her personality, making her a barely functioning zombie.

How to deal? Its really hard, and I find I'm only able to because we have been friends for such a long time and I love her dearly. It will always be about her and I understand why but it will always be agonizing to know she will never be a fully funtioning person because of her mental disorder.

Try to treat this person with as much compassion as you can but understand there is only so much you can do as a friend. Try not to facilitate too much by letting this person know that they can repair themselves if only incrementally...with a lot of care and a helluva lot of patience.

Sorry for the long post, but this is a topic that hits close to home. I remember what my friend was like before she became heavily afflicted and realize that I may never see that person again.

SuzeQuze · #3 05-05-2006, 07:29 AM

Mental illness really is tragic. Sounds like your friend's illness is more than minor. If you're close you could let her know you think treatment would really benefit her. There's a new mood stabilizer called Lamictal that might work for her and it doesn't have the awful side effects of lithium. Always remember to protect yourself and not give more than you can to this person. My Dad's GF is bipolar and she can be like a bottomless well just taking and taking. If your friend doesn't get treatment then I think your husband may be right. You're not really helping her anyway if you enable her to remain untreated.

Has she ever been diagnosed with bipolar? She may have something else altogether if she has self-diagnosed. This could even be borderline personality disorder where people just think of everyone as extensions of themselves with no capacity for compassion or empathy. They are very difficult to have relationships with because it is always about them.

Good luck with your friend. Don't take on her stuff, you have no reason to feel guilty about taking care of yourself!

Mad4stevie · #4 05-05-2006, 07:51 AM

My boyfriend has a "dual diagnosis" of bipolar and alcoholism. And from my experience and all the educational literature that I had read, bipolar illness is a life-long illness that cannot be treated without medication and threapy. It is a progressive illness, like alcoholism, which means that if it is not treated, it will only get worse.

I lived with my boyfriend for two years before I moved out due to his alcohol abuse and unmedicated state. I would never recommend to anyone to live with a person that has untreated bipolar disorder. Bipolar illness is not something that can be "reasoned with". When unmedicated, the manic highs lead to hypersexuality, spending sprees, delusions of grandeur and little need for sleep. During the depression stage, suicidal tendencies and an inability to care for oneself are common problems.

I had to involuntarily hospitalize my boyfriend in December because he was unmedicated (when he went to rehab they took him off his meds - IDIOTS!!) and his manic state caused him to relapse into alcohol abuse and made him suicidal. It was a terrible experience for me and him.

On a positive note, the medication does work for most bipolar people. If the illness is managed, they can live a full and productive life. There are many celebrities that have this illness (Patty Duke, Linda Hamilton, Carrie Fisher, Ben Stiller, among others). I think more needs to be done to educate the public on this illness.

If you want to find out more, check out this forum:

http://dbsa.invisionzone.com/

There are excellent resources there to help you understand more about the illness. I found this to be a lifeline for me when I was dealing with my boyfriend's illness.

jannieC · #5 05-05-2006, 08:53 AM

You've gotten excellent advice from the above posts. It's true, bi-polar is not an illness that should be unmedicated. Unfortunately, many times people who are bi-polar decide in a manic phase not to take their meds because they feel so good! And there is a form of bi-polar where the person stays in a manic phase, without ever plunging into a major depressive episode..

As far as your friend goes, unless you truly care about her, you should probably let that friendship go. I say this because it will probably be very draining for you emotionally. She says she has a "mild" form of the disorder. While all mental illness runs on a continuum, the behavior you describe sounds like she isn't as mild as she says she is. You don't really sound overly attached to her and truthfully, until she gets some kind of help, she is not going to be a good friend to anyone.

Good luck. xo

cliffdweller · #6 05-05-2006, 09:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuzeQuze

This could even be borderline personality disorder

I know someone very close to me that has this, and it IS very hard to be around them, and if I don't spend time with them I feel bad. I don't know how to handle the situation sometimes and it is very frustrating. What else do you know about personality disorder Suze?

SuzeQuze · #7 05-05-2006, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cliffdweller

I know someone very close to me that has this, and it IS very hard to be around them, and if I don't spend time with them I feel bad. I don't know how to handle the situation sometimes and it is very frustrating. What else do you know about personality disorder Suze?

These people create alot of drama, constantly need attention, and can behave sociopathically. A very toxic mix. My godmother's ex husband was diagnosed with this.

Here's some information from the National Institute of Mental Health:

Raising questions, finding answers

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.1 There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.2,3 Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.4 Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.
...
People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm

cliffdweller · #8 05-05-2006, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuzeQuze

These people create alot of drama, constantly need attention, and can behave sociopathically. A very toxic mix. My godmother's ex husband was diagnosed with this.

Here's some information from the National Institute of Mental Health:

Raising questions, finding answers

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.1 There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.2,3 Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.4 Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.
...
People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm

This describes one of my family members to a "T." Scary stuff and really complicated too. I wonder what the best way is to deal with it if a family member suffers from it. Thanks for posting!

kak125 · #9 05-05-2006, 10:42 AM

I know exactly what you are talking about since my mother is bipolar and I know others that are as well. With my mother when she is taking her medication she is the nicest and most caring person in the world but you can tell right away when she is not. She will make stuff up and then try to play the sympathy card all the time, she will be very mean and yell at my sisters and my dad and she gets to be very manipulative. My mother has been in and out of hospitals a lot lately and it seems to be getting worse and that is something that really scares me.

I would hate for her to end up alone because she tends to take out her anger on my dad. They split up just about every year now and she cant function without him. Its such a strange relationship and he says that all she does is yell at him in the middle of the night and that he barely gets any sleep. I wouldnt wish this illness on anybody and the hardest part about it is knowing that you cant fix them or do anything to really help them.

As far as friends go, I had a good friend that has bi-polar and with dealing with my mom and seeing how she was, it was just too much for me to hear all about my friends problems all the time too. I felt bad but I had to cut her out of my life. I feel guilty about it all the time but I just cant deal with all of this insanity and she was just too much for me. Everything was all about her and I dont need all of that drama. Its too draining on me.

DavidMn · #10 05-05-2006, 11:19 AM

I've been told I have Mild Bi-Polar as well. But after having so many mood swings I fanally started seeing a therapist last fall and now the meds I'm on have helped a great deal. But to answer your question, I've been told I'm very selfish as well at times. I feek for your friend. I hope she gets the help she needs.

CelticGypsy · #11 05-05-2006, 01:09 PM

Thank you so much, everyone for the great advice. I will try to keep the friendship to a distance since some days she is a fun person to hang out with but most days it is always about her so I will have to be careful how I handle the friendship. She is on meds but she doesn't take them all the time and she doesn't always go to her doctor when she should. I have told her that maybe a support group would help her out but she feels she doesn't need that kind of help so I just let the subject drop.

I can't imagine having to live with someone that has bi-polar if they don't take good care of themselves. It is hard to be just a friend. I can't imagine what it would be like to live with them.

All the above information has been very helpful and I appreciate all the responses. Thanks

skcin · #12 05-05-2006, 02:18 PM

She sounds much more borderline personality than bipolar from what you'[ve described. Could very well have mde up her bipolar diagnosis to get sympathy/attention from people.

CelticGypsy · #13 05-05-2006, 02:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skcin

She sounds much more borderline personality than bipolar from what you'[ve described. Could very well have mde up her bipolar diagnosis to get sympathy/attention from people.

I never thought of this but you could be right. Some days she is very normal and some days she is very needy and/or childlike with co-workers, friends and even with her kids. By the way, her ex has custody of their two children so maybe he felt they were not safe with her?

goldustsongbird · #14 05-05-2006, 07:47 PM

I knew a girl who was bipolar, but I have a sneaking suspicion she used it to her advantage at times (ie; as an excuse) and was generally a nasty person. I could be wrong. But either way, it was a difficult thing to deal with in a friendship. She was controlling, hyper-sensitive (I'd say something, and either she'd hate me or tell me I was just pitying her)... basically as you described your friend. Everything was about her, and if it wasn't, she'd accuse me of being complacent -- i'm pretty sure that was her favourite word! --and insensitive.

She did tend to overexaggerate her problems. I remember one time, she came online and told me she had this big accident in her garage and was bleeding heavily and then stopped talking. So, here I am freaking out, and then later on, I found out her cat had scratched her or something.

She acted as if nothing happened, and then laughed at me for getting so worried. I eventually stopped talking to her, because she was impossible to deal with. It was definitely a draining, one-sided friendship.

The thing about it that kind of bugs me, is that everyone says she's so sweet, and so this, and so that... when this was the person who told me to get skull ****ed and die.