30 facts about chuck norris

tommer · #1 01-10-2006, 04:07 PM

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

6. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

7. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

8. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

11. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

14. Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

15. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

16. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

17. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

18. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

19. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

20. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

21. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

22. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

23. Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

24. Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

25. Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”

26. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

27. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

28. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

29. At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

30. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

DavidMn · #2 01-10-2006, 04:10 PM

I wanna see a cage match between Chuck Norris and Stephen Segal...

wondergirl9847 · #3 01-10-2006, 04:15 PM

I am dying!!!! That is hysterical! My mom is a huge fan of Chuck's. I'll be sure to show her this when she comes over next.

estranged4life · #4 01-10-2006, 04:17 PM

GENIUS!!!!

Brian "I hate Up-Chuck Norris/"Need a Walker to be a Texas Ranger"" j.

jkmaletic · #5 01-10-2006, 04:56 PM

You forgot #31-

31. Chuck Norris got his ass kicked by Bruce Lee.

DavidMn · #6 01-10-2006, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jkmaletic

You forgot #31-

31. Chuck Norris got his ass kicked by Bruce Lee.

YEah, but who got the last laugh?

Bruce didnt last too long after that I'm guessing.

hayley · #7 01-10-2006, 05:20 PM

These are funny, but seem to me like Bill Brasky-isms with Chuck's name attached.

Moony · #8 01-10-2006, 05:45 PM

The other day I was flipping through the channels, and came across Chuck Norris and his wife in a commercial urging people to fight to have the Bible and Christian cirriculum be mandatory in public schools. "We all know the direction our great country is headed...let's turn it around..." yaddayadda bull****.

LuckyCharms · #9 01-10-2006, 10:32 PM

OMFG!!!! That is funnier than f**kin f**k!!
I emailed that to everyone in my address book, I may even add an insert into next years Christmas cards! I needed a good laugh too, I just got through half of War Of The Worlds and couldn't stand watching it anymore. Why must the mean old movies make the poor little blond girl cry!?!

dissention · #10 01-10-2006, 10:33 PM

Chuck thanks you catty bitches, you know.

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.

I think I just coughed up a few chunks. -_-

LuckyCharms · #11 01-10-2006, 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moony

The other day I was flipping through the channels, and came across Chuck Norris and his wife in a commercial urging people to fight to have the Bible and Christian cirriculum be mandatory in public schools. "We all know the direction our great country is headed...let's turn it around..." yaddayadda bull****.

Meh, it's just a ploy. The Chuckster's got a plan to take down some names so's he can show some over-zealous christains the true meaning of "Bible Thumping". Go get em' Chuck!

BombaySapphire3 · #12 01-11-2006, 04:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DavidMn

I wanna see a cage match between Chuck Norris and Stephen Segal...

I think a tournament of flat affect non acting might be more appropriate and too close to call.

irishgrl · #13 01-11-2006, 06:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dissention

Chuck thanks you catty bitches, you know.

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.

I think I just coughed up a few chunks. -_-

OMFG! he has a "Christian Area" on that link

I used to like Chuck Norris......now, Im not so sure.....

johndoe · #14 01-11-2006, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dissention

Chuck thanks you catty bitches, you know.

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.

I think I just coughed up a few chunks. -_-

Dammit. I was gunna post that. But yeah. I can't belive he whored his books in that. Stupid Chuck Norris.