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#1
05-30-2005, 04:15 PM
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And again - teehee...
http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/
May 13, 2005 It is time now for our final New Rules! Of this season. New Rule: The next reality show must be called "America's Stupidest State." We'll start at 50, and each week, if your state does something really stupid with, say, evolution or images of the Virgin Mary, you'll move on to the next round. Now, of course, the final five will always end up being Alabama, Utah, Kansas, Texas and Florida. Sorry, Tennessee. New Rule: Someone must stop the Cirque du Soleil. If we hate the French so much, how come we gave them Las Vegas? There are now six Cirque du Soleil-related shows on The Strip. Six! Who wants to spend two hours watching a bunch of French chicks fold themselves in half? You know what? Scratch that. New Rule: We need more Cirque du Soleil! New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic?! I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. And finally, New Rule: The people in America who are most in favor of the Iraq war must now go there and fight it. The Army missed its recruiting goal by 42% last month. More people joined the Michael Jackson Fan Club. "We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit." And now we need warm bodies. We need warm bodies like Paula Abdul needs...warm bodies! Now, last week, a Baptist minister in North Carolina told nine members of his congregation that unless they renounced their 2004 vote for John Kerry, they had to leave his church. Well, if we're that certain these days that George Bush is always that right about everything, then going to Iraq to fulfill the glorious leader's vision would seem the least one could do. And, hey, if it makes it any easier for you, just think of it as a reality show: "Fear Factor: ****ting Your Pants Edition." "Survivor: Sunni Triangle." Or maybe it's a video game, "Grand Theft Allah." Now, I know you're thinking, but, Bill, I already do my part with the "Support Our Troops" magnet I have on my Chevy Tahoe. How much more can one man give? Well, here's an intriguing economic indicator. It's been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don't they sign up? Do they hate America or just freedom in general? And that goes for everybody who helped sell this war. You've got to go first. Brooks and Dunn, drop your cocks and grab your socks! Ann Coulter, darling, trust me, you will love the Army. You think you make up ****! Curt Schilling, b-bye! You ended the curse on Boston. Good. Let's try your luck in Fallouja. Oh, and that Republican Baldwin brother, he's got to go so that Ted Nugent has someone to frag. But mostly, we have to send Mr. And Mrs. Britney Spears. Because Britney once said, "We should trust our president in every decision that he makes, and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens." Okay, somebody has to die for that. Or at least go. Hey, maybe she'll like it. Hell, she's already knocked up. That'll save the MP unit about ten minutes. And think of the spiritual lift it will provide to troops and civilians alike when actual combat smacks the smirk off of Kevin Federline's face and fills his low-hanging trousers with dootie. In summation, you cannot advocate for something you wouldn't do yourself. For example, I'm for fuel efficiency, which is why I drive a hybrid car and always take an electric private plane. I'm for legalizing marijuana, and so I smoke a ton of it. And I'm for gay marriage, which is - oh, well, you get the points! All right, folks, thank you very much. You're a great crowd. Remember, we're taking a break, but we'll be back August 19th. Until then, "I'm Swiss!," my HBO Special airs July 30th at 10:00. I want to thank my guests, Senator Norm Coleman, Charles Barkley, Al Franken, Liz Marlantes and Gore Vidal. Thank you, folks. Appreciate it. 
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#2
05-30-2005, 04:22 PM
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 Thanks, Deanna. I needed the laugh.
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#3
05-30-2005, 04:25 PM
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__________________
 save the cheerleader - save the world
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#4
05-30-2005, 04:31 PM
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This is exactly what's stopping me from getting a tattoo... the fear of being associated with 'these' people 
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#5
05-30-2005, 04:38 PM
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 Well, at least mine is not at the crack of my ass. Thanks for the post, D! 
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Curtis
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#6
05-30-2005, 04:41 PM
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Lmao!!
Funny schtuff.
Why, all of a sudden, does the entire USA have those stupid magnets on their car? Beef with broccoli...
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**Christy**
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#7
05-30-2005, 04:42 PM
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__________________
save the cheerleader - save the world
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#8
05-30-2005, 04:59 PM
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Gutter Brain. Geez.  
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Curtis
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#9
05-30-2005, 05:24 PM
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thanks, D, those were hilarious. "Sorry, Tennessee!"
__________________
"Do not be afraid! I am Esteban de la Sexface!" "In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice" Whehyll I can do EHYT!! Wehyll I can make it WAHN moh thihme! (wheyllit'sA reayllongwaytogooo! To say goodbhiiy!) -
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#10
05-31-2005, 03:05 AM
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they call lower back tattoos "the mark of the bar bitch" and at the bar where i work i am the only girl without one. i think it makes me special  and the chinese (or other asian language) characters are so lame as a tattoo on stupid 20- something drunkards that i think they should be outlawed...oh and did you all hear about britney spears' hip tattoo? she was told by the tattoo artist that it is a chinese character for "mysterious" but in actuality it means "strange" hahahaha a friend of mine got a tattoo by the same tattoo artist and he said he did it on purpose.... HAHAHAHA Britney got punked!!
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#11
05-31-2005, 05:24 PM
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Yeah, I don't want an Asian tatoo. With my luck, it'll translate to "Terrible Donkey."
In any event, I can think of a few stupider states than Alabama, Utah, Kansas, Texas and Florida. Don't get me wrong, those states are usually pretty stupid. BUT, certainly West Virginia ranks in the top five, and c'mon, Mississippi has generally been THE stupidest state since at least the 1860s. In just about every factor that is measured between the states, Mississippi is usually in the bottom three! Which reminds me, every time I hear that Charlie Daniels song "The South's Gonna Do It Again," I always have to ask myself, "what, get your ass kicked so hard by the North that SOME parts of the South still haven't recovered some 140 years later?" [Now I'm going to duck and cover, just to be on the safe side...]
__________________
On and on it will always be, the rhythm, rhyme, and harmony.  THE Stephen Hopkins
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#12
05-31-2005, 05:30 PM
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On the opposite end of the spectrum, somebody is trying to market a "screw the troops" magnet. Now, if it were "screw the war, bring 'em home," then yes, I would have one on my car. But I can't get behind "screw the troops." Especially as I LIVE BY A MILITARY BASE! I've grown used to this whole living thing!
__________________
On and on it will always be, the rhythm, rhyme, and harmony. THE Stephen Hopkins
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#13
05-31-2005, 06:20 PM
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Ohio has some of the highest illiteracy rates in the country. Every heard of Meigs County? Pomeroy? Middleport?
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Curtis
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#14
05-31-2005, 06:36 PM
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While you're at it, send the fugliness that is Toby Keith over there too.
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Kimberly
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#15
05-31-2005, 07:53 PM
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OTOH, look at all of the amazing things that have come out of Dayton alone: Airplane Airplane Engine Automobile self-starter Cash register Gasoline Microencapsulation (aka "scratch and sniff") Motion picture projector, film, camera, & motion picture theater Pop-top tab & pull-top tab's on canned beverages Refrigerant, freon Step ladder Teflon Isolated Home and Farm Electric Lighting System Radio Isotopic Thermoelectric Generator for Spacecraft Controllable Pitch Propeller Microfiche Collapsible Portable Crib Human Heart-Lung Machine Motorized Wheelchairs Walker Attachment for Wheelchairs Ice Cube Tray with Ejector Mechanism Automotive & Refrigeration Equipment Smart Fan (operates based on changes in temperature) Goniometer (measures location of thalamus for surgery) Manually Operated External Heart Machine and Expiratory Valve Liquid Crystal Alignment Methodology Multiple Array Continuous Inkjet Printer Price Tag Affixing Machines Directional Compass with Dual Radio Beam Triangulation System Flexible Radiator Hoses and Wire Impregnated Sweeper Hoses Learmatic Electrostatic Gyroscope Lighted Scoreboard, Leland Refractor Solenoid Incentive Stamps Airplane Supercharger Official Building Mail Chutes Electrically Stimulated Ambulatory Motion Gas Masks Portable Breathing Resuscitator Computing Scale for Butchers and Grocers Parachute Continuous Rolling of Wide-Strip Steel Manufacturing Process Airplane Ejection Seats Artificial Heart Artificial Kidney Automobile Air Bags Bionic Organs Blind Solo Flight Carbonless Copy Paper Chrome Plating Computerized Aircraft Loading System Double Glass Windows Electric Cash Register Filter Cigarettes Fixed-Focus Headlights Frost-proof freezer Fuzzbuster & Radar Detectors Glass Photographic Negatives Ice Cream Cone Instant Blood-Glucose Level Testing Laser Weapons Liberty Engine Night Serial Photography Nuclear Powered Pacemaker Quick Process Malleable Iron Room Air Conditioner The first man to orbit the Earth, John Glenn, was from Ohio. The first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, was from Ohio. The man on the $50 bill was from Ohio. Needless to say, I don't think Ohio is even on the short list for the stupidest state in the USA!
__________________
On and on it will always be, the rhythm, rhyme, and harmony. THE Stephen Hopkins
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