And again - teehee...
 

http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/

May 13, 2005

It is time now for our final New Rules! Of this season.

New Rule: The next reality show must be called "America's Stupidest State." We'll start at 50, and each week, if your state does something really stupid with, say, evolution or images of the Virgin Mary, you'll move on to the next round. Now, of course, the final five will always end up being Alabama, Utah, Kansas, Texas and Florida. Sorry, Tennessee.

New Rule: Someone must stop the Cirque du Soleil. If we hate the French so much, how come we gave them Las Vegas? There are now six Cirque du Soleil-related shows on The Strip. Six! Who wants to spend two hours watching a bunch of French chicks fold themselves in half? You know what? Scratch that. New Rule: We need more Cirque du Soleil!

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic?! I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

And finally, New Rule: The people in America who are most in favor of the Iraq war must now go there and fight it. The Army missed its recruiting goal by 42% last month. More people joined the Michael Jackson Fan Club. "We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit." And now we need warm bodies. We need warm bodies like Paula Abdul needs...warm bodies!

Now, last week, a Baptist minister in North Carolina told nine members of his congregation that unless they renounced their 2004 vote for John Kerry, they had to leave his church. Well, if we're that certain these days that George Bush is always that right about everything, then going to Iraq to fulfill the glorious leader's vision would seem the least one could do. And, hey, if it makes it any easier for you, just think of it as a reality show: "Fear Factor: ****ting Your Pants Edition." "Survivor: Sunni Triangle." Or maybe it's a video game, "Grand Theft Allah."

Now, I know you're thinking, but, Bill, I already do my part with the "Support Our Troops" magnet I have on my Chevy Tahoe. How much more can one man give? Well, here's an intriguing economic indicator. It's been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don't they sign up? Do they hate America or just freedom in general?

And that goes for everybody who helped sell this war. You've got to go first. Brooks and Dunn, drop your cocks and grab your socks! Ann Coulter, darling, trust me, you will love the Army. You think you make up ****!

Curt Schilling, b-bye! You ended the curse on Boston. Good. Let's try your luck in Fallouja. Oh, and that Republican Baldwin brother, he's got to go so that Ted Nugent has someone to frag.

But mostly, we have to send Mr. And Mrs. Britney Spears. Because Britney once said, "We should trust our president in every decision that he makes, and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens." Okay, somebody has to die for that. Or at least go. Hey, maybe she'll like it. Hell, she's already knocked up. That'll save the MP unit about ten minutes.

And think of the spiritual lift it will provide to troops and civilians alike when actual combat smacks the smirk off of Kevin Federline's face and fills his low-hanging trousers with dootie.

In summation, you cannot advocate for something you wouldn't do yourself. For example, I'm for fuel efficiency, which is why I drive a hybrid car and always take an electric private plane. I'm for legalizing marijuana, and so I smoke a ton of it.

And I'm for gay marriage, which is - oh, well, you get the points! All right, folks, thank you very much. You're a great crowd. Remember, we're taking a break, but we'll be back August 19th. Until then, "I'm Swiss!," my HBO Special airs July 30th at 10:00. I want to thank my guests, Senator Norm Coleman, Charles Barkley, Al Franken, Liz Marlantes and Gore Vidal. Thank you, folks. Appreciate it.

:lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks, Deanna. I needed the laugh.

That line is soooooo for Dissention, who HATES those things LOL and think everyone that has one is a poser :laugh:

:laugh: :laugh: This is exactly what's stopping me from getting a tattoo... the fear of being associated with 'these' people :p

:shocked: :shocked: :shocked:

Well, at least mine is not at the crack of my ass.




Thanks for the post, D! :wavey:

Lmao!!
 

I could soooo go there (figuratively) - but I shall restrain :lol:

Gutter Brain. Geez. :rolleyes: :D

:lol: :lol: :laugh:
thanks, D, those were hilarious. "Sorry, Tennessee!" :lol:

that's my favorite one....

they call lower back tattoos "the mark of the bar bitch" and at the bar where i work i am the only girl without one. i think it makes me special :) and the chinese (or other asian language) characters are so lame as a tattoo on stupid 20- something drunkards that i think they should be outlawed...


oh and did you all hear about britney spears' hip tattoo? she was told by the tattoo artist that it is a chinese character for "mysterious" but in actuality it means "strange" hahahaha a friend of mine got a tattoo by the same tattoo artist and he said he did it on purpose.... HAHAHAHA Britney got punked!!

Yeah, I don't want an Asian tatoo. With my luck, it'll translate to "Terrible Donkey."

In any event, I can think of a few stupider states than Alabama, Utah, Kansas, Texas and Florida. Don't get me wrong, those states are usually pretty stupid. BUT, certainly West Virginia ranks in the top five, and c'mon, Mississippi has generally been THE stupidest state since at least the 1860s. In just about every factor that is measured between the states, Mississippi is usually in the bottom three! Which reminds me, every time I hear that Charlie Daniels song "The South's Gonna Do It Again," I always have to ask myself, "what, get your ass kicked so hard by the North that SOME parts of the South still haven't recovered some 140 years later?"

[Now I'm going to duck and cover, just to be on the safe side...]

I don't have one, but I live by a military base, so I'm the exception. The most offensive one, for me, is the one that has a cross cut out in the bow. Yeah, I'm sure Jesus would be thrilled ****less at America's unnecessary war.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, somebody is trying to market a "screw the troops" magnet. Now, if it were "screw the war, bring 'em home," then yes, I would have one on my car. But I can't get behind "screw the troops." Especially as I LIVE BY A MILITARY BASE! I've grown used to this whole living thing!

Ohio has some of the highest illiteracy rates in the country. Every heard of Meigs County? Pomeroy? Middleport?

:lol: :laugh: :lol:


While you're at it, send the fugliness that is Toby Keith over there too.

Don't forget Adams County. They are THE bottom feeders of the state.

OTOH, look at all of the amazing things that have come out of Dayton alone:
Airplane
Airplane Engine
Automobile self-starter
Cash register
Gasoline
Microencapsulation (aka "scratch and sniff")
Motion picture projector, film, camera, & motion picture theater
Pop-top tab & pull-top tab's on canned beverages
Refrigerant, freon
Step ladder
Teflon
Isolated Home and Farm Electric Lighting System
Radio Isotopic Thermoelectric Generator for Spacecraft
Controllable Pitch Propeller
Microfiche
Collapsible Portable Crib
Human Heart-Lung Machine
Motorized Wheelchairs
Walker Attachment for Wheelchairs
Ice Cube Tray with Ejector Mechanism
Automotive & Refrigeration Equipment
Smart Fan (operates based on changes in temperature)
Goniometer (measures location of thalamus for surgery)
Manually Operated External Heart Machine and Expiratory Valve
Liquid Crystal Alignment Methodology
Multiple Array Continuous Inkjet Printer
Price Tag Affixing Machines
Directional Compass with Dual Radio Beam Triangulation System
Flexible Radiator Hoses and Wire Impregnated Sweeper Hoses
Learmatic Electrostatic Gyroscope
Lighted Scoreboard, Leland Refractor
Solenoid
Incentive Stamps
Airplane Supercharger
Official Building Mail Chutes
Electrically Stimulated Ambulatory Motion
Gas Masks
Portable Breathing Resuscitator
Computing Scale for Butchers and Grocers
Parachute
Continuous Rolling of Wide-Strip Steel Manufacturing Process
Airplane Ejection Seats
Artificial Heart
Artificial Kidney
Automobile Air Bags
Bionic Organs
Blind Solo Flight
Carbonless Copy Paper
Chrome Plating
Computerized Aircraft Loading System
Double Glass Windows
Electric Cash Register
Filter Cigarettes
Fixed-Focus Headlights
Frost-proof freezer
Fuzzbuster & Radar Detectors
Glass Photographic Negatives
Ice Cream Cone
Instant Blood-Glucose Level Testing
Laser Weapons
Liberty Engine
Night Serial Photography
Nuclear Powered Pacemaker
Quick Process Malleable Iron
Room Air Conditioner

The first man to orbit the Earth, John Glenn, was from Ohio.
The first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, was from Ohio.
The man on the $50 bill was from Ohio.

Needless to say, I don't think Ohio is even on the short list for the stupidest state in the USA!