11 THINGS: Worst. Dads. Ever

[SpyNote]

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/articl...sn=001&sc=1000

11 THINGS: Worst. Dads. Ever
By Tim Sullivan
San Francisco Chronicle
Thursday, June 14, 2007

1. Tony Soprano: Guilty of: Committing every deadly sin in the book.

Redeeming qualities: Cool dreams, often hilarious, last seen having dinner with family.

2. Jack Bauer: Guilty of: Being permanently stressed, fighting terror with terror, never eating, never going to the bathroom, always putting family second.

Redeeming qualities: Comic book hero, continually saving planet, dad on show is worse, dad in real life is cool.

3. Dick Cheney: Guilty of: General humorlessness, not supporting lesbian rights despite daughter being lesbian.

Redeeming qualities: Unafraid to swear, leaving office soon.

4. Bill Clinton: Guilty of: Confusing philandering with philanthropy, reintroducing Fleetwood Mac to populace.

Redeeming qualities: First black president, skilled with sax, last president to speak in complete sentences.

5. Al Bundy: Guilty of: Blaming family for most of what goes wrong in his life.

Redeeming qualities: Daughter played by Christina Applegate.

6. Richard Schlichting (Alan Alda's character in "Flirting With Disaster."): Guilty of: Being a careless acid farmer, making adopted children not want to search for birth parents.

Redeeming qualities: Wife's character played by Lily Tomlin.

7. Homer Simpson: Guilty of: Sloth, lethargy, too many doughnuts, too much Duff.

Redeeming qualities: Introduced rooftop chimney grilling to public.

8. Frank Costanza: Guilty of: Being more concerned with Steinbrenner trading Jay Buhner than apparent death of son, fathering son in the first place.

Redeeming qualities: Introduced "Serenity now!" to public.

9. Charlie Sheen: Guilty of: Often being mentioned in same breath as Heidi Fleiss, coke addiction, accidentally shooting fiancee, appearing in "Terminal Velocity."

Redeeming qualities: Appeared as self in "Being John Malkovich," cool dad.

10. Adam: Guilty of: Eating fruit from tree of knowledge of good and evil.

Redeeming qualities: Rib formed Eve.

11. Father Time: Guilty of: Mortality, decay, rot, erosion, amnesia, gray hair, bellies and balding.

Redeeming qualities: Sunsets remain interesting, newspapers stay fresh.

Tim Sullivan, [email protected]