More Problems At Home- Advice Please
 

Hey there guys. I'm sure most of you here know about the incoming divorce of my parents.

I wanted to get your advice on some things going on at home because I'm just really kind of down in the dumps at the moment.

Tensions in my house are high ALL of the time! There are almost daily loud arguments that end up relegating me to my room. My mom is in a very short mood all of the time so some frustration is taken out on me. This evening after I got home from work was a great example. You know me- I try to be a peacekeeper and I always want everyone to be happy- so after awhile of everyone being pissed at each other I normally want to apologize, EVEN IF I didn't do anything wrong.

But the thing is that these days I'm down a lot. This evening for example was bad and it started when I asked my mom if she took care of something I asked if she'd do. Instead of simply saying no- she proceeded to yell at me ALLLL of the things that I needed to take care of before she would even remotely do the thing that she promised to do. So it's like after showing frustration simply in the way she was talking to me (not even the time sensitive issue she simply ignored) she blew up in my face and said a whole bunch of stuff that was completely random, un called for and inappropriate. After awhile it makes me wonder if it really WAS my fault and that there is something wrong with me..... In these situations what should I do?

The thing that's frustrating is that when it's only my dad that's home for the day or only my mom- the two of us get along fine. But when everyone is in the house- there is a guarantee that stuff is going to happen.

And the thing is- when I'm in one of these downsy kind of moods because of this- I'll go to my room and do my own thing, but truth be told- I get lonely. I started this summer working WAYYYY too many hours (I will be cutting back next week), but I haven't seen any friends and haven't heard anything from anybody. So at times I just kind of feel like I'm on my own- and I don't like that.......

I'm sorry I kind of rambled a bit, but I hope you understood what it was I was trying to say. I'd love to hear if you have any advice on things!

Much Love,
Ethan

Hi Ethan,
I am really sorry to hear you are going through this. It is really a common experience for so many children and teenagers, but never easy. Is there some possibility of family counseling? Not for reconciliation of the marriage, but just to ease some tensions, or help you all get through this? Do you have a counselor or minister, or a trusted family friend or godparent?

If you don't think you can discuss the tensions and how the split is affecting you, then I think perhaps you should write a letter to your parents. They are probably very caught up in their own pain and stress, but bringing some focus on you might actually be good, because no matter what happens between them as a couple, you will always ALL be family.

~Eliza

Ethan, do you remember this thread you put up on 6/13/2008?

http://ledge.fleetwoodmac.net/showthread.php?t=36363


I responded to you then, with:
"I hope things settle down, but it sounds like everyone could benefit from some counseling. Even you."


Most colleges and universities have student counseling centers. Take advantage of it. They can also make referrals for you. "The Ledge," while it offers a lot of banter about all sorts of things, (mostly Fleetwood Mac) it isn't a counseling center.

i just don't understand, why they feel the need to drag you into it~ i know divorce can be hard, my parents are divorced & they even loathed the sight of ea other as i learned later on as an adult & after my father had passed, but no matter how much loathing they had for ea other, they never drug me into it~ that part of their relationship at that point in time in my life was none of my business & i am very thankful for that~

Ugh. What your mother is doing is completely ****ty. You are not their marriage counselor and you're damn sure not her punching bag. If I were you and she started yelling at me, I would silently leave the room (and preferably the house). If she got physical, I'd call the police.

How old are you? Didn't you just graduate? You should probably look into moving out, if so. That is a toxic environment. I agree you should get some counseling (you sound co-dependent - again you are not their marriage counselor and they should not be involving their children in this in any way - they are despicable parents if they do, sorry to say)...your mother is abusive, my dear. :mad:

Some other thoughts...

Sometimes parents have a really difficult time moving from relating to their children as kids, to relating to them as adults. The relationship changes drastically (or it should), and parents can often not deal too well with that.

Since your mother is showing an astounding lack of boundaries, you need to set some. She needs to be told very calmly, but in no uncertain terms (preferably when she's not having one of her hysterical fits), that it's not acceptable for her to speak to you like that. If she has a meltdown, leave the room (or the house). If she puts her hands on you, call the police (I don't care if she's your mother - you're an adult and nobody has a right to get physical with you). Feel that hard, knotty thing that runs down the middle of your back? It's called a spine. :D :nod: If you don't stand up for yourself now, you are setting the stage for how people (and your parents in particular) are going to treat you for the rest of your life.

I agree with markolas and Tango. Get some help and set some boundaries. If I were you I would leave the house when the two are home at the same time. Just know that when your mom gets like that it is all her and not you. She's being a crappy mother.

Thanks guys- I will comment further in a little!

Things are better today. I appreciate hearing from all of you- it's just weird.... because I DOOO know that at times I can have a sharp tongue and whatnot- but I never intentionally stir **** up. Know what I'm saying? So when we have a family breakdown and my parents tell me that I was a big contributing factor in it getting so bent out of shape, I sometimes wonder if it is in fact the truth....

That being said, things are alright right now- no blowouts since that night after work..... Keep our fingers crossed!!!!!

It sounds as if your mother is forgetting you're her child...I'm not completely aware of how your relationship operates BEFORE this whole divorce...but it sounds like she's taking out her frustrations on you. I would seek some counseling in the very least for yourself...especially with someone who has dealt with divorce. At least it will help you understand what is happening, and to have patience knowing that in time things will work out. It doesn't even have to be a counselor...could be a pastor...a best friends parent, someone you trust. A manager at work, someone you can confide in.

My parents divorced in Nov/Dec 1998...it was June/July of 1999 before we could all be CALM, and sit in the same room together. On a much more somber note, it was nearly 8 years after that before we could all finally LET GO of the whole situation. And, there are still some scars that remain. I believe there are some things that time cannot mend. I pray for you and your sanity during this period. If you can remember ONE THING, just remember their divorce is NOT your fault.

What do you mean by "family breakdown," exactly? Surely your parents aren't blaming you for their marital problems. If so, they are way out of line and you really should think long and hard about vacating from the premises permanently.

No, but it's a community of friends, and the option is always there to avoid threads asking for advice if you don't want to give it. :shrug:

I'm sorry things are horrible at the moment, Ethan. Stick close to your friends (including us) and hold fast to the knowledge that these things are not your fault. Will be thinking of you in the days and weeks to come. :wavey:

Ethan,

The danger with a question such as this on a Fleetwood Mac board (as Tango rightly said) is that you invite responses from people who aren't actually qualified to answer it. Their opinion might be well meant but that doesn't mean that it is right for you.

Get some professional, qualified support asap.

I agree with the person who said to seek out some counseling at school. It's free and I think it would be much more beneficial to speak with a professional, in person.

Thanks guys!!! I really appreciate it!

I do have people that I have gone to for support, and they have lifted me up- people who I trust dearly and who have gone through the same thing as I am currently going through!

Don't worry about me- I will be fine..... The evening I fist posted about this was just a rough evening!

Things have cooled down a little though- been pretty smooth as of late.

Please just don't worry about me.

I was having a similar problem with my father after the death of my mother. Nothing I did was right. He would yell at me for stuff my brother or my nephew did that had nothing to do with me. I knew my Dad loved me and really wasn't "yelling" at me, he was "yelling" at the situation. Your mother is probably scared about what the future will hold if she and your Dad break up. Next time this happens, take a deep breath and then give your Mother a hug and tell her everything will turn out ok. The look on my Dad's face when I did it was priceless. Sadly my Dad's gone as well now. Counselling is a good idea. Surrounding yourself with good friends is another good idea. Their problems are exactly that: THEIR PROBLEMS. They're hurting right now and they're not in a good place. Just keep telling them you love them and hopefully things will improve.

Ethan I'm sorry your going through all of this. *I* myself am a child of divorced parents =\ Except my parents got divorced in 1997/1998. Life was HELL for me for MANY years. Especially since my dad's girlfriend was a BITCH to me and verbally/mentally/ and sometimes physically abused me. I was a HIGHLY depressed child with NO friends and no one understood me and my depression. I honestly do not know what stregnth I had that brought me through what i went through. I had no one to talk to and no friends, so I guess you could say I looked to music. Also, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. I am SO thankful I turned out the way I have. Even today divorced parents still suck, my dad's girlfriend is STILL a BITCH to me, but I stick up for myself these days or we just dont talk to eachother. I know I am rambling, but maybe you'll find something in what I am saying and take it with you...lol

I hope things work out!

I totally agree. Even parents in their 40's and 50's have moments when they are scared of changes and the future. It sounds like your mom is going through a tough time thinking about the divorce and having to be on her own, raising children. Not easy to be a single parent so I'm sure this scares her to think about all the changes she will be going through. She is yelling at you (even though she shouldn't be) because she is so frustrated and hurting emotionally. I hope she has someone to talk to, a friend or a relative and that she doesn't burden you with her problems but that she does have someone else that she can talk about what she is going through mentally and physically. As her son, I hope that you're doing as much as you can to make things at home easier for both of your parents. That means no backtalking or attitude with the parents. Remember, they have feelings too. When both of them are home, perhaps you can take younger siblings elsewhere for an hour like to the park so they can enjoy being kids. Down the road, your mom and dad will enjoy their lives again and be happier people. It will take time to heal the wounds from the divorce for everyone in the family. Hopefully, you can be strong and do what you can to help your siblings and parents during this most difficult time. Moms needs hugs sometimes and Dads need a son that will be there to talk with and a hug wouldn't hurt either!

Alright, my mom and I just got into a little tiff because we were talking about summer and traveling and stuff. We had been looking into potentially going to south Florida this summer, but after my mom and dad got into a couple of arguments, I came to realize that that would be a stupid thing- the four of us going on vacation.

So, today the two of us were talking about it and she was like:

"I was trying to make a trip like that possible." (when in reality it was my sister and I who were doing the research on properties). And i told her that it would be stupid for the four of us to go on a trip like that. Then she got frustrated and left the room, saying that I always bring up the negative and bla bla bla. I then told her that it's not really the negative, that it was the truth. I then told her that she was being verbally abusive and she started to laugh.

I then left the room..... And no I'm listening to my music and getting ready for work.

Not thinking I did anything to warrant such a response.

I don't understand... are they in the process of getting divorced? If so why are thye even talking about a holiday together?

Also.. I'm not trying to make excuses for your mother but if they are in the process of a divorce and living under the same roof I know from my own experiencehow difficult that can be. I ended my marriage but he refused to move out so we shared the marital home for 6 horrible long months. I shared a bed with my little boy while he had my sons room. It was a miserable time for all involved including (unfortunately) the children

I understand!

I know- my thoughts exactly, how could we take a vacation???? It just doesn't make sense. I have other options though, that I'm looking at for this summer!

But things have again calmed down!!!

I remember my mother sank into a dark pit of what I can only describe as despair during the spring/summer of 1998. This was about 5-7 months before they got divorced. She didnt come out of her bedroom. It's like she was an ogre hiding in the dungeon. She didn't cook. She didnt clean. She wrote us blank checks to go grocery shopping with (those were the days when you could do that)...I learned how to cook real fast.

I mean, my mom was a stay-at-home-mama. Always was there look after us...we had it easy! I was so naive that I had no idea what was going on. I think I actually may have thought she was depressed because my father was working in St. Louis 3 weeks out of each month. But...looking back...its because she wanted to divorce him and didn't know how...when...all that stuff tore her up inside. Then one day she snapped out of it.

You didn't answer my previous post. Are they actually getting divorced? Are they still living together?

They will be getting divorced- they can't financially at the moment- and yes, we're all living together.