What's Your Opinion? I need a little help.
 

I just found out that my 15 year old step-daughter is seeing a guy that will be 21 in December. I like the kid, but seriously, what does he want with a 15 year old? Don't answer that- I already know. He already has a 1 year old daughter. I am totally against this, but I haven't overreacted yet. I told her he was too old for her and left it at that, but it's really eating at me today. We both thought he was 19 until last night, then we got to talking about birthdays, and come to find out, he's nearly 21. I'm torn. Either I tell her he's not allowed to come over anymore, and she sneaks behind my back and sees him anyway, or I let it continue, and it'll be over in a few months. Everyone here is open minded and pretty liberal, so I'm asking opinions. My first reaction is to tell him that he's a pedophile and I'll call the cops if he comes over anymore, but that's only going to cause problems. I really dont' know what to do.

I can see the 'let it continue' route being used, but I also see the parental route of stopping it before it happens.

I say it would be best to stop it before it happens (When i was 21 i dated a 15 year old too, but when i first met her she told me she was 19 and I stupidly enough believed her), because most guys only want to date younger girls to get 'one thing', and seeing that he already has a child shows some proof to that matter.

Just my opinion of course...

i think you should break them up before it goes too far.

If you honestly feel she would sneak anyway, she probably would.

When I was 14/15, I started dating a guy who was 19/20. (I say 14/15, because the relationship evolved out of platonic friendship.) Not because of sex, we were friends and had common interests - I was different from other girls my age, and he was (and is) a very mature guy. But, with that age difference, it's bound to happen at some point.

I'd say let it wear itself out, but help it along. He'll get tired of having to go through her parents to get to her and will cut it off to find someone else. I sneaked - I am a VERY skilled sneak - my parents were always oblivious as to the true nature of our relationship. It lasted the better part of 4 years.. 5 off and on.

Maybe it's a good time to talk about birth control, but explain that it's not a free pass? It's better safe than sorry, even though what you really want is for her to keep her purity. Then, she'll know exactly that you know wtf is up and you guys can have an honest discussion. Uncomfortable moments are the most remembered, no?

Good luck!

I really dont know what to tell you, If she respected you as a parent, if you told her to stop, and explained your reasons, it most likely would [i know if i was the daughter in that situation, and my mother told me her point of view i would at least consider it.], but if you let it continue, you never know what might happen in 'those few months'.

If I Were You, I would just tell her my point of view twards her going out with him, and that you dont mind if thier friends, but youd like their relationship to end. And tell her what 21 year old guys are like, not him specifically, just them in general. all 90% of them want is to party and 'get some'...and shes probably not like that herself, so it would be in her own interest to find someone her own age

i hope that helps. my mom would probably give the same advise :)

wowzer, this is a hard one, as a parent i totally understand where you are coming from more than 100%~ on the other hand, i met my hubby when i was 15, he is nearly 8 yrs older than me~ i have to say he NEVER crossed the line w/ me, even when i was having my own raging hormones & so woulda let him & we remained friends until i was 17 nearly 18 until we started a relationship~ & i am 39 & we are happily married & still together 21 yrs later~ i don't think we are the norm tho~

Does she live with you full time or does she also spend time with her mother? I'm just asking because I'm wondering whether your say is final or if when she is at her mother's, she can do what she wants.

This is a tough call. I remember being a kid and I probably would have went behind my parent's backs. I had a boyfriend who turned 22 when I was 17. My parents let me date him, because we lied about his age for a while. My mom hated him and eventually told me he wasn't welcome at her house. That caused me to end up moving to my dad's house, where he was welcome. Looking back, I wish my parents had told me no. He was a total asshole, a cheater and a liar. I spent 4.5 years with the jerk. Guys that age with girls that young are only with them for a few reasons. Sex, obviously. But, beyond that, I think they are with younger girls because they are such losers that girls their own age want nothing to do with them, whereas, younger girls are too naive to realize the total loser aspect. They are flattered that an older man is interested.

The fact that he has a child makes it even worse, for me. How can your daughter be involved with a man who has a child? She's still a child.

So, I guess I would put a stop to it and monitor the situation as closely as possible. And I think I would consider calling the police if he continues to come around. JMO, for what it's worth!

wow, this is a tough one. I lean more towards what Sarah is saying, but I also think you need to sit down and discourage it as much as possible, but don't give her any ultimatums. tell her all these things. find out why she wants to be with him. be honest. the best thing you can do is give her all the information you want her to have and do your best to make sure she trusts you and feels like she can tell you what's going on and let you be involved. if she decided to continue the relationship and it goes sour, you'll at least be a step ahead and maybe she won't end up hurt in some way. like you said, the fact that he has a child is the worst part. he has already made a stupid decision and is attached to another woman for the rest of his life. is Sara ready to be a mom to someone else's baby on the weekends? I doubt it.

I took her to Planned Parenthood Saturday. I know she's active, because we can talk about these things. She's too scared to tell her mother. I'm glad she's smart enough to come to me. I have explained that BC and condoms are not a pass to go "f*ck everything that moves" as I put it to her.

She does live with me full time. I have guardianship. Her mother is still involved with decisions however, I try to leave her out of some things because I want Sam to continue to trust me. She won't talk to her mom, but she will talk to me.
I agree with the loser aspect. I do believe that's what's going on here. She is flattered that someone older is interested. I mean, besides sex, what would a 20 year old want from a 15 year old? What do they possibly have in common? Granted, she is very mature for her age, but I think he has problems finding someone his age to be with. What really bothers me is that she's a very beautiful girl, is very intelligent, and has a lot going for her. She knows she's beautiful, but the idea that she's letting some older guy flatter her like that shows me that there's insecurities there. I wish I knew how to break them.

I refuse to give an ultimatum. It will backfire every time. She has a lot of trust in me. There are things I know about her that sometimes I wish I didn't know, but I'm glad she trusts me enough to tell me. I give her the best advice I know to give, and let her make her own decision. Usually, she listens and takes my advice.

That's my arguement. He already has one kid. See previous loser comments... :laugh:

So, he has already lied to her as well? That and the child hopefully will be enough of a red flag that she will see clear enough past anything he may provide her with (flattered, feelings of maturity, etc) to the point of not being interested in someone who would do that. Obviously, you are in a difficult position as she trusts you and you wouldn't want that to change. However, at the same time, left to her own decision-making, she may dive-in head first. It is good you have taken her to PP...and I hope you will consider again speaking with her to provide some insight on how moving in the fastlane with someone much older than her could lead to consequences she may well not be prepared for. good luck.

Wow. I almost said "things were so different when we were young." But the bottom line is, they weren't.

I was not quite 16 when I started dating my almost 21 year old exBF. He was a good guy in general, never disrespected me, never pushed me for sex until I was ready. We dated for almost 3 years, and he didn't use me & leave me or anything like that. My parents thought he was 17 at first, and his age crept up slowly every few months, although I don't know if they ever realized just how much older he was. He was my first true love.

BUT. Looking back, I realize that he liked being in control. Maybe that's not the best term to use, because I've always been a very strong person, he didn't "control" me really. Yet I remember things he would say when we'd argue, and the way he'd say them - he sometimes acted as if he were an authority figure to me. He liked to think of himself as teaching me things about love & life...ew, I feel nauseous, it's so icky to me now. Like, I told him to f*ck off once, and he basically lectured me & told me "don't ever speak to me that way again!" I almost expected him to add "young lady." :laugh:

Anyway, when I was 19, he proposed marriage. :shocked: Something inside my head snapped/woke up & I realized that this is NOT what I wanted for my life. The breakup was bad, really bad, we don't speak at all. Not that I care to, I've honestly grown up & out of that part of my life. But if I were a more impressionable person, someone with lower self-esteem or more self doubt, I don't know if I would have gotten away & gotten a life.


So I guess the point of my telling my personal story that nobody cares about, is to be open with her & honest about why you think this is a bad idea. I wouldn't forbid her, but I wouldn't enable either (don't let me stay at your house hours on end, day after day, don't drive her to see him, etc.) And hope & pray she's strong enough on her own to not "need" a man - whether it be this guy or another.

Trust me, the talk is coming tonight. This has absolutely consumed me today, and I can't go without talking to her about it. That will be a big point I bring up is lying about the age and his child.
I care and thank you for sharing. I want to show her that she's smarter than this and doesn't need any man who only looks at her as a sex kitten. I'm sure that's where he's going with this. I don't think I'm going to forbid it, because that's just going to make her want to do it more. Hopefully after I'm done talking, she'll really put some thought into it, and realize why it's not a good situation to be in.

this is exactly what I was trying to say.

I have no idea what to say to you on this. I'm 17 and I know I would be so flattered if an older guy was interested, though I'm not sure what I would do about it...

I'll say a prayer for you, I hope you come to a decision that both you and your daughter can live happily with :)

I can relate...
 

with your post...

When I was 17 I met Christy (aka fellow ledgie 'nickay', Who was 15 at the time) and I never tried to cross that line with her to get that 'one thing' that some 'assumed' that was ALL I was wanting from her - The 'one thing' I wanted from her was simply her love (Even when my hormones were raging as were hers).

LOL Paula. Mine proposed when I was 19 also. I did say yes but knew in the back of my mind that I would never marry him. As I got older and wiser, and developed a better sense of myself and more self-respect and self-esteem, I was finally able to kick his ass to the curb and I never looked back. In fact, after that last break up, I never even cried. I always knew it was a matter of time, it was just a long road to get there.

And, upon further reflection, I think you are right about not forbidding it. That will only make her want it more. I did the same thing. I really hurt my mom and left just because she wouldn't accept him. I would just share your opinion Maria (it seems like your opinion means a lot to her) and hope that she listens and makes a good choice herself. I would still say to try to monitor things and keep them in check though. :)

sorry, kathy, but that's a very dangerous advise. THEY can break up. nobody else can break THEM up.

If they are in love, they'll find a way.

Talk about your feelings out in the open. Say that technically there's a law against it and that your parental feelings are at stake here.

that's the only thing you can do imo.

be open. communicate. don't judge, and show that you understand how they feel.

I'm a bit old fashioned, so my immediate response is that I would probably not allow her to see him. Yes, she would sneak to see him but at least she would know that I was strongly against it. I don't know Maria- it's illegal on his part. She may be mature and he may be immature, but she should be able to be a 15 years old, and not try to grow up overnight with a 21 year old man with a baby.

At 15 years old, the parent's responsibilities are to set limits, boundaries and consequences. She's 15, not 18 and I think it's a parent's responsibility to tell a child what to do. Again, I know this comes off as being old fashioned and may even seem unrealistic to many, but after working on the adolescent unit, I've seen too many kids completely f*ked up because they had little or no guidance.

my god. I almost teared up reading this because it reminds me of my best friend so much. except, she's not 19, she's 24. She's married and her husband is quite a bit older than her. He treats her like this all the time and says how she is "disrespectful towards him" and "would you talk to your dad like that' and all this ****. she told him "F you" one time and he flipped. of course he can say it anytime he wants. idk....I hate it because she was NEVER like that. ever. I know this was off topic, but I just needed to say that because it was so close to home :o

and I agree with this too. she thinks she's in love, so nothing is going to stop her until she sees it for herself. hopefully you guys can come out of this still close, unpregnant, and kicking his ass to the curb. it just might take her awhile to see it. so in the meantime, you have to ride that fence of trying to be a strong person for her to lean on if that's what she needs and also the parental figure that is going to try to lay some type of rules. I hate this for you, but hopefully in the end, everything will work out. best of luck to you guys :xoxo:

I agree, and I think she will thank you for it later. I'm not that old, but I'm about to sound it. If you look at this from a neurological perspective, a 15 year old's brain has not fully developed the capacity to make sound decisions and use good judgement independently--especially when faced with raging hormones and being 'in love.' Teens really do need their parents to step in and make some unpleasant decisions for them until they are more emotionally prepared to do it for themselves. You can already see that her judgment is not really clear in this situation based on the fact that she sees this guy as a good catch.

My parents forbid me to date at ALL until I was 16, and of course I hated it and hated them for a while. I don't know if I'll be THAT restrictive with my own kids, but looking back, I was really ridiculously niave at that age. I see now that I needed to focus on more productive things than being hot and heavy with my little boyfriends. If you do decide to restrict her from seeing him, presenting all of the reasons the others in this thread have already mentioned in a calm and loving manner will go a long way over saying "No, because I am the adult and I said so" as my parents did!

Maybe this is all moot and you've already had the talk, but I would, no matter what the two of you decide, try to keep her busy doing other things besides hanging out with this guy/talking on the phone with this guy/obsessing about how to sneak out with him. If she doesn't already have a job, it might help to keep her busy and focus on being responsible. Also, what else does she like to do? Does she have something she is passionate about besides this guy? A sport, a school activity of some sort... Channeling her energy productively might help reduce the chance of a bad outcome no matter which way you decide to go with this.

Okay. Here's what happened.

They are NOT together... just kissing... okay, whatever. Still. I let her know that I can't see what he could possibly want from a 15 year old, that he's illegal, and it made my physically sick today.

Then I really got her.

She's very overprotective of Sara (her 8 year old sister).
I told her it would be like Sara dating a 14 year old. She saw my point.

She didn't know he was 20. She thought he was 19, and that was my next point... he didn't even tell her the truth about age. I asked her why he wasn't with girls his own age, and she didn't have an answer for that. So, I think I made her think about it. I told her I wasn't going to stop her from seeing him, but I didn't like it one damn bit.

^^^that's really good maria. You were able to get on her level and at least plant that seed to get her thinking. even if it's a little ways down the road, that is always going to be in the back of her mind and she might not ever look at him the same again.


good for you in handling it so admirably :nod:

Trust me, I couldn't do it all on my own. I needed the opinions of others who aren't in the middle of our lives. ;)

wow - tough one indeed.
i think in this case the talk with her will certainly go along way but I wouldn't stop there. I would have a talk with him, by himself, as well. I would make sure he knew your displeasure as well as your knowledge that out and out banning him (ahem) would only pique her interest more. Let him know you already have spoke to a lawyer to brush up on your local age limit laws etc. . .
Let him know just how many hoops to jump through there will be and that you will pursue it to the full extent of the law if you even think he has crossed a line with her. Maybe he will see it as way too much trouble and just lose interest.

Of course this falls into meddling in a teenagers life so i am sure you will catch some guff, but at this point, it certainly seems justified.
good luck sara - i hope it all works out:wavey: