Forgive me...
 

I think most people are happier with someone to confide in. If they say they are not, I tend to think there is something else going on. However, I do understand it, a bit. But maybe some people just don't have those emotional depths, or whatever, that make most people need closer contact with others. :shrug: I prefer my own company quite a bit, but mainly because most people I meet don't really "do it" for me. But I love spending tons of time with those people that do do it for me. :shrug: Not that you asked. :laugh:
I think your friend may have a really strong defense mechanism, it is hard to believe that she feels that way. But maybe she's just blank and shallow??? :laugh:

I'll bite.

People who have been seriously hurt or betrayed by those they really cared about can act this way. Even though they may want to be close to people on the inside, they won't let it happen because they know they'll get burnt.

I personally have met very, very few people that support the concept of "unconditional love". People may talk the talk, but when the **** hits the fan they rarely walk the walk.

Wow, heavy! :blob1:

Initially, I would have to agree with your friend. My views on love are not what you would call conventional, i.e. that there's no such thing. Without going into my entire philosophy regarding interaction with other humans, I'd say that the individual's perception of love (particularly unconditional love) is largely skewed by the common perception. In other words, we feel what we sense we are supposed to feel.

I also prefer to be alone - being alone is almost always preferable to being with someone else, and that's not to say I dislike human contact. I just don't feel I get much out of it. Being alone is usually more productive for me, mentally and emotionally. I don't need to share anything with anyone, and I don't want to confide in anyone. That said, I differ from your friend in that I will always talk to people about anything they want to talk about, and I'll always help someone out if I can by being a shoulder to cry on, or just a sounding board for someone's ideas. I'll happily listen to someone's inner problems, providing they don't expect me to share mine. That makes relationships practically impossible though, as girlfriends tend to see a refusal to confide deeply in them as emotional immaturity or something.

However, far from you being the only one to feel that this is strange or unusual, I believe your outlook is of course the common one. Most people want at least one other person to share things with, often several people. It's not a weakness or anything like that - it's the opposite really. People are just different.

I don't expect many people to agree with me, and I might add that I don't really come across as someone who doesn't need anyone. My friends just know not to expect me to open up.

Interesting thread though! :nod:

I think that's true, but sometimes I wonder if I feel that way about this particular person because it's just too hard for me grasp the concept that some people simply do want to be alone and that's that. Granted, this person has been betrayed immensely, to say the least.

I'm one of like, two that I've met who really believes in that concept. Now, do I believe in the Stevie song? No. I think it's an awful song. :laugh:

This is true. Or they suffered severe loss. My Dad doesn't seek out relationships but he lost his dad when he was 12, then his favorite uncle, then his best friend in a span of a few years. That's what did it for him.

Everyone needs human contact. Some people manage to learn to cope without it but are they happy? Nope. They don't know what it is to be happy.

I couldn't agree less :) I'm happier than I've been since I was little - it's about knowing how to be fulfilled, and not everyone can find fulfilment in the same thing, in this case other people.

Certainly music and books, they play a big part in my life. Also I'm a big nature lover, I like to go out into the middle of nowhere and think, and watch whatever animals and birds are out there. I find I have to reserve time to do that because I can get stressed and a bit irritable otherwise - some people drink or smoke, but I just go for a walk! Much cheaper too :p

Me, too. excercise, too. But, also, I drink and smoke... :laugh: Though not drink much.

What is that saying?- "All the water in all the oceans can't fill a bucket with a hole in it"

My dad's father committed suicide when my dad was 18. He never, ever got over it and still has not come to terms with it to this day at the age of 72. My mom's dad withheld demonstrative, physical affection from my mom and it ruined her ability to readily dole out affection. Are they happy? Eh, probably not "HAPPY!!!", but they're as good as they're gonna get.

As for me, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. 2004 was the best year I've ever had and 2005 is topping that. Can I forgive those that betrayed/neglected me? Maybe. Will I ever forget it? Never. Will I ever let it happen again? You can bet your ass I will do everything in my power to prevent people from hurting me- even if that means shutting people out. My happiness has been hard-won and no one is gonna take it from me.

It is interesting that you like to connect with nature because that is part of Dr. Weil's section on "making connections" which help us become happier. If you are happy now, I would imagine that if you found a fulfilling relationship (friendship or otherwise) you would simply soar.

http://www.drweil.com/u/Article/M125/

Making Connections: Eight Ways to Connect

Feeling whole and connected to the Earth and others takes work, but it is rewarding work. By bringing your focus outside of yourself, you will learn to reach out to people and to nature in positive ways. Giving of yourself, from spending time with friends and those in need to taking care of the environment or an animal friend, also promotes positive interaction. Here are eight steps to help you get connected:

1) Nature and Earth
If you think of nature as a hostile force that is separate from yourself, you will go through life unnecessarily afraid and cut off from one of the great sources of spiritual nourishment. Whether you connect with nature on wilderness trips or lunch breaks in a city park, you can always slow down and observe the infinite variety of her ways. One way to connect with nature is through plants: gardening, collecting plants from the wild, growing cactuses and flowering bulbs, and having unusual and useful plants in and around the home can all help promote connectedness with nature. Plants can enrich your daily life, bring comfort and joy, and remind you that however you think of yourself, you are also part of the natural world.

2) Animals
Research shows that people who have pets have less illness than people who do not. Pet owners also recover faster from serious illness and tend to be happier. Ex-prisoners who form relationships with pets have lower recidivism rates than those who do not. While pets can and inevitably will bring owners great joy, they are a responsibility: they demand a certain level of attention and care. However, the rewards that pets give in return are often too great to be measured. Loving and caring for a pet is a great way to learn how to love and care for other humans and nature.

3) Family
We are not meant to be all alone - we are meant to be parts of bigger families, bands, tribes. Human beings want and need the intimate support of a real family. Unfortunately, the nuclear family of our modern society is contracted. It is hard not to look at the “extended families” of some cultures with wistful longing, if not outright envy. Where I live, in southern Arizona, the Hispanic population seems way ahead of the rest of us in providing for the needs of family. In many Hispanic families the old people, even when infirm, continue to be valued members and live at home. Don’t settle for nuclear family contraction. Extend!

4) Community
Community is the sense of living and working together for common goals. We are naturally communal beings and derive great satisfaction from the experience of belonging to a group with a common purpose. The strength and comfort of community come from the principle that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Our society often fails to provide for this need, and unless we work to create community, it does not happen.

You can define community any way you want. It may be your neighborhood, your sports team, your environmental action group, your church, your social club. What makes it work is what you bring to it and the role you let it play in your life. This kind of connectedness gives us the power to improve our lives and make the world a better place.

5) Serving
Selfless service means giving of yourself to help others with no thought of return. Many religious traditions extol the ideal of selfless service as one of the great aids to dismantling the ego cage and restructuring personality. Each day provides countless opportunities to practice putting others’ interests ahead of your own, such as giving of your time, energy and presence to reduce the suffering or increase the happiness of others. The goal is not to acquire spiritual merit, increase your chances of going to heaven, or earn the admiration of the community. Instead, service is a way of acknowledging that we are all one and that the happiness of each is connected to the happiness of all. The more you can experience the interconnectedness of all beings, the healthier you will be.

6) Loving
To love is to experience connection in its highest, purest form. Humans tend to confuse loving with other feelings that take us back into the world of separateness and fragmentation. Popular songs today seem to be mostly about the joys and pains of romantic love, not about loving as connection, which is something altogether different. Learning to love takes practice and time, especially in a culture that is focused so intensely on romantic love.

In intimate relationships that work, the in-love state is replaced by mutual loving. That can happen only if both partners are mature and committed to a life together. Many people today have no idea what to do when they fall out of love with their partners; they think it means there is no possibility of continuing the relationship, which is why divorce rates are now so high.

Realizing that you have within you a limitless source of love that can benefit everyone and everything will help you form the best and strongest connections of your life.

7) Touching
Human beings need to touch and be touched. A great deal of animal and human research shows that individuals deprived of physical contact are insecure, poorly adjusted, and more prone to illness. Some cross-cultural research suggests that sexually repressed and touch-deprived societies are much more given to violence. Our own society, unfortunately, is in that category. Touching is an easy connection to make because it feels so good. Please do more of it.

8) Higher powers
One reason the 12-step programs work as treatments for addiction is that they encourage connection to a power greater than yourself. It does not matter much how you conceive of that higher power; what matters is the sense of connection to it. It can be the father-god of the Old Testament, Jesus Christ, the Compassionate Buddha, the Great Spirit, the Goddess, pure, undifferentiated Consciousness, or simply the Mystery. You are free to choose the way you conceive of the universe and your place in it. People who experience themselves as part of and supported by something larger than themselves are less fearful and more healthy than people who view the world through the bars of an ego cage, seeing the world as separate from them, disconnected.

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Copyright © 2005 Weil Lifestyle, LLC

My maternal grandfather was like your friend. He wanted nothing to do with my mother and wasn't involved in any romantic relationships after he and my grandmother divorced. He only kept in contact with my great aunt, and basically lived alone the rest of his life. A kindly neighbor looked after him after his stroke and before he passed away.

Apparently, though, my great-grandfather was this outgoing, gregarious man who couldn't relate his withdrawn son. I guess that affected my grandfather. :shrug:

Very interesting Suze. Thanks for posting. :) Hmmm, I think I need more "touching".... :p

They're wrong. :nod:

:xoxo:

I agree with all the others, probably your friend has been deeply hurt and now feels that way mostly for that reason. Even if the concept of getting close to the others, IMO, is much more complex than we can imagine. Some people are apparently part of a community but intimately feel themselves very far from the others. Some others have the courage or the urge to bring out their different way of living. I think passions (for work, art, a political or religious belief, etc) can absorb energy and sublimate for a part the need of a standard human contact. But even in that cases, for me, there's a part that goes in search of the others, is only more difficult to see it.

Romy

Woman, don't we all? :laugh:

Dr Weil is awesome and whenever I have a question about health or wellness I look at his site. I've read most of his books too. 8 Weeks to Optimum Health is a really good one and it's the reason why I eat so much organic/whole stuff now and love it!

Excellent! I'm happy that you are having a nice little "lifestyle overhall" with your food habits. :) :thumbsup:

The focus is on what is "good" that is why. That worked a lot better for me then this is "bad" and you "shouldn't" eat this.

I want to mention that I am not that great at relationships myself! These are ideals we are talking about, that we strive for. I do have a few close friends that I trust. I am certainly not suggesting that anyone open themselves up to dangerous people! Quite the contrary. I also enjoy my own company often, I'm one who needs my alone time or I will go batty! I didn't intend to offend anyone I just believe this to be a fundamental truth about human beings, that we need and do better with human contact.

That sounds like a decent enough fantasy to me :) and although being a hopeless romantic might set you up for disappointment sometimes, it also means you're open to lots of people and lots of things, which could set you up for nice surprises! As for me, although I am reserved, my mind is always open :nod:

:thumbsup:

Thanks for posting all that - very interesting, and there's a helluva lot of sense there :nod: Although I am not looking for any kind of relationship, I'm not closed to the possibility if it came at me out of nowhere :woohoo: I just can't imagine it happening in a way that would make me really stop and think.

Wow - interesting topic :nod:

I had a friend who told me the same thing your friend did, Hillary :eek:

She was mucho F***ed up though - I'm not sure exactly what went down in her past, I know a dead girlfriend was involved...and she was WAY guarded with everyone - for a while I was her only "good friend" but I was expendable apparently as she refused to be close to anyone - including people in her own family...

She was NOT happy though she sometimes claimed to be...sigh - I don't know what's become of her but I certainly hope she got the help she needed and has let people into her life..somehow I doubt that's happened though...

----

Anyway - I, personally, think that as humans we are social animals..and need to interact with others...but that's just my opinion and I don't like to say that what's good for me is good for others you know?

If someone wants to make that life decision to never be close to others - well that's their bed - they're going to have to sleep in it ya know?

I know that moving to ROchester and not knowing anyone was SO hard - I miss the hugs of friends and family, I miss sitting around and doing nothing with close friends, I just miss the daily contact of the people I was close with back home. Slowly I'm making new friends here...and it's not so bad :D

My friend doesn't seem to need that closeness, or have much to confide, or be emotional or anything. But she's not like yours, she has millions of friends, and before she was married, millions of boyfriends. She's just kind of....shallow? unemotional? She's very smart, and interesting, and logical, and friendly, she just doesn't really have any emotions/emotional issues. Except when she gets mad. And she "confides" in anyone who will listen. Nothing is sacred. :laugh: I learned not to whisper a secret to her in a bar, or anything. She will just tell the person I'm talking about! :laugh: :laugh: She says her husband gets mad sometimes because she doesn't have those ooshy smooshy, ooey gooey, private things to share with him. Deep thoughts and all that.
I don't relate to her very much either, but we get along really well, anyway. Her personality is way different than mine, and it works out perfectly. Plus, she thinks I'm hilarious. :lol:

Do you suppose there's a possibility that someone different could come along in the future who you would want to have know you well?


P.S. I hope that makes sense. But your post was kind of hard to follow, too, so...:laugh:

Something we were talking about earlier in the thread, is that if people feel they don't need close human contact, or someone special and close to confide in, it is usually because of a defense mechanism. Hillary was wondering if it was possible that some people just don't have the need of human contact, independent of whether they have been hurt very badly by others, or had emotionally terrible lives and all that. To me it seemed possible, but not really probable. My theory is that usually when people choose to live without friend/significant other networks, it's most likely a defense.

Omigod Hillary, really? Wow, that's awesome, I am so proud of you for speaking up and so glad the outcome was good, I mean fantastic! :) I know it is really hard to do this. Wowza!

Ahh, I know what you mean about being open but not looking. :nod: I am not very good at creating new friendships myself, except here, I've made some fabulous friends. But most of you I cannot just invite for coffee or anything. :( It is difficult for me to create meaningful, fullfilling, new relationships as I think it is for all. The thing is, the rewards are there so it is worth the work. Thankfully I have finally learned the lesson of who not to invite into my life so perhaps new and good friends are just around the bend.

:laugh::lol:

:nod:

Thanks! Yeah, I've found that sharing myself is sometimes comparable to shooting myself in the foot...or chest, but this went well. It seems that my relationship with this person is only stronger because of it. Every once in a full moon it actually works out! :laugh:

Doesn't that suck? :distress:

So true! I found out that it is indeed worth the work when I decided to play true confessions the other day, as I mentioned above. I've never understood it when people say, "It's really easy for me to make friends." I always think, Then they must not really be good friends, in that case, or it wouldn't be so easy.