Who was more f**ked up?

[lagringader&r]

This thread isn't meant to be offensive but I have a question and I can't decide who is more *wrong* or *confused*. I have a friend (no it is NOT me) who I was talking to on the phone. Ok this chick has not had sex in a really long time. A really long time. I'm talking about more than a few trips around the sun. She has dudes hitting on her and she goes out but she won't have sex. None of my friends are into the whole moral religious thing so that's not it. So she's telling me about this dude she went out with about 3 times. The last of those dates he got really out of control even tho she told him she wasn't going to have sex with him. She said she let him go further than usual but she didn't know he had *whipped it out*. She freaked out and actually scared him or so he told her. I think she's afraid to have sex. But who is more *wrong* or *confused*? Him, for whipping it out? Or her for freaking out? She also thinks the dude split because she told him how long it had been and freaked out at the sight of his d**k or at the idea of what he was about to do. So she thinks he split. Can peeps be afraid of sex? And why? She's one of my only female friends so I don't know what advice to give her. I am a walking nerve ending so I don't have that problem and don't know what to say. Anybody?

[amber]

It's all very bizarre to me. Have you asked her why she doesn't want to? She probably holds the key.
I think they're both kind of strange, but he's strange in a bad way.

[GypsySorcerer]

I have known a few women who were scared of physical and emotional intimacy and so they avoided relationships altogether. Perhaps she is just really nervous because it's been so long, or perhaps it's something more. However, if she truly has intimacy issues, a therapist might help.

As for the guy, he just sounds overeager.

[Neal]

I applaud anyone who's willing to "whip it out". ;)

But seriously, it's hard to say without knowing your friend better. :shrug:

[estranged4life]

She said she let him go further than usual but she didn't know he had *whipped it out*. She freaked out and actually scared him or so he told her.

the whipped-out dick seems to belong to a bigger dick.

And Yes, people can be afraid of sex (By looking at the GIFS in my signature I am sure y'all can guess my opinion on the big ol' S-E-X!!!)

[SuzeQuze]

Do you think she was abused? That is a common reason to avoid sex. If you can talk to her about it I would mention counseling to her if she seems to be looking for advice. Otherwise I guess just listen and try to be supportive.

[lagringader&r]

I asked her if she was afraid of it and she said she didn't think so. If I didn't want to have sex with somebody, I would just tell them to put it in their pants and go home but I wouldn't freak out. I know one guy forced it on her a long time ago and she had a really long and not good relationship with another one of our friends. She got clean like me but even when she was still using, she wouldn't have sex with anybody. I used to think she was just picky but the freaking out thing makes me think there's something more to it. She said that she can't get turned on by even fantasizing about a guy but I'm pretty sure she's not gay. So I think the fear thing?

[lagringader&r]

Lux, well she did go to me for advice which is how I know about it. It isn't meant to be offensive but I think f**ked up can mean different things. He might be f**ked up coz he whipped it out after she told him no. So that's a bad kind of f**ked up like Amber said. Or she could be f**ked up for not ever wanting to have sex and maybe being afraid of it. Freaking out at the sight of a d**k is not normal I don't think. That's a different kind of f**ked up and more like there's something in her mind. She did come to me tho coz she didn't know what the hell had happened to her when she freaked out. I don't know what to tell her so I'm asking other peeps. I'm sorry if it offends you.

[SapphireSister]

I do not think your friend is f*ucked up just because she does not want to have sex. There are so many things that could be going on with her that you are totally unaware of and maybe she's confused as well. Perhaps this is something that she's struggling with and needs to work out on her own or with the help of a therapist but I don't think you telling her she's f*cked up is going to help the situation.

A lot of people have sexual issues, it doesn't make you a f*cked up person. If she freaked out I'm sure she had her reasons. My adivse would be to be a good friend and offer your support, not make her feel like a freak.

She should be with someone who has an understanding that she has issues with sex and is comfortable with that. Obviously the guy who wipped it out isn't so good thing he's out of the picture.

[irishgrl]

there are women who are so uptight about it that they actually experience physical pain at the slightest penetration....one of my women's mags had an article....your friend needs someone to unload to, I think, because if she ever meets someone to fall in love with, she's going to have a really hard time.
I'll try and see if I can look up that article when I get home (Im at work!)

[amber]

I do not think your friend is f*ucked up just because she does not want to have sex. There are so many things that could be going on with her that you are totally unaware of and maybe she's confused as well. Perhaps this is something that she's struggling with and needs to work out on her own or with the help of a therapist but I don't think you telling her she's f*cked up is going to help the situation.

A lot of people have sexual issues, it doesn't make you a f*cked up person. If she freaked out I'm sure she had her reasons. My adivse would be to be a good friend and offer your support, not make her feel like a freak.

She should be with someone who has an understanding that she has issues with sex and is comfortable with that. Obviously the guy who wipped it out isn't so good thing he's out of the picture.
She didn't tell her friend she was f*cked up. It's just an adjective she used here on the board to describe something she thought was strange. Just saying. And it sounds like she is supporting her. Again, I'm pretty sure she didn't call her friend "f*cked up".:laugh: :xoxo:

[lagringader&r]

I do not think your friend is f*ucked up just because she does not want to have sex. There are so many things that could be going on with her that you are totally unaware of and maybe she's confused as well. Perhaps this is something that she's struggling with and needs to work out on her own or with the help of a therapist but I don't think you telling her she's f*cked up is going to help the situation.

A lot of people have sexual issues, it doesn't make you a f*cked up person. If she freaked out I'm sure she had her reasons. My adivse would be to be a good friend and offer your support, not make her feel like a freak.

She should be with someone who has an understanding that she has issues with sex and is comfortable with that. Obviously the guy who wipped it out isn't so good thing he's out of the picture.

For you and Lux, I did NOT tell her she was f**ked up. I listened to what she said and I didn't know what to say. I DID NOT make her feel like a freak. She's like the only chick I'm really friends with in real life (most of my friends are guys) and I don't go around telling peeps they're f**ked up. It is obvious that I care or I wouldn't even bother trying to understand or to help her. I don't have any experience with this so I don't know what to say and I wanted to know if it's normal to be afraid of sex. I don't think it's normal to freak out looking at a d**k.

[lagringader&r]

She didn't tell her friend she was f*cked up. It's just an adjective she used here on the board to describe something she thought was strange. Just saying. And it sounds like she is supporting her. Again, I'm pretty sure she didn't call her friend "f*cked up".:laugh: :xoxo:

Thanks Amber! I was surprised to see that coming from Lindsay.

[lagringader&r]

Lux, WHAT? Try going back and reading the other posts before you post. This is the last one I'm addressing to you coz I'm starting to get pissed. Stop being so judging and go back and read. I came here to ask a question and not get flamed. Thank you.

On edit: I see you changed your post so I got rid of your quote.

[jannieC]

My hunch is that your friend has some past abuse issues. It certainly is not normal to be afraid of a male organ, but then again I have no idea how old she is- and that may be somewhat of a factor. So, while it's not "normal", of course it's not f*cked up either. But she probably needs help. Can you discuss going to a therapist?

[WelshWitchPMD]

Maybe she might be afraid of getting pregnant. Maybe she is still a virgin and is scared of having sex. It could be a number of things but if she doesn't want to have sex I don't see any problem.

[GateandGarden]

You said that she could be f**cked up for not ever wanting sex? Have you considered the fact that a lot of people don't want sex at all and that is normal for them? It does not interest every person. But if the reason that she is afraid is the result of abuse (or simply because of that time you mentioned it was forced on her--that sounds like enough to me) then that still doesn't make her "f**cked up." I can't understand why you would consider using such terminology when this is your friend. It is incredibly offensive and insensitive.

[strandinthewind]

Well, I was scared of my own for years, then again, it requires so much blood that I go anemic when I get an erection :cool:

Seriously, you can't blame the guy for trying - after all, they were in the act so to speak. But, he respected her decision of "no" and that was that. If he was looking only to get laid and never calls her back, that is the way of the world and most of us have been there and know how it can suck. If not, maybe he will help her if she has any issues. In the end, if she really freaked out beyond the usual "you pig put that back in," she should seek advice from a professional therapist as she may have deep rooted problems that need to be addressed from a medical perspective. I wish her luck.

BTW - hello Lux - I miss you.

[lagringader&r]

You're pissed? **** you and your ****ing judgements on people. Don't you get it? You're not just talking about your friend, she's not unique, there are many like her and they are not strange, they could be reading this and your title is incredibly offensive. Your question is offensive, reword it with a treatment that does not make people feel like they're ****ed up. You really don't get it do you?

What is your problem? Leave the conversation if you're just going to attack or flame me coz I came here with a question. With all the *inappropriate* threads on this board, don't single mine out when it is a real person with a real problem. No. I don't get you. I get you as being a judging person who is judging me. I get you as a hypocrite. Thanks for the **** you. Yep, that helps a lot.

[strandinthewind]

You said that she could be f**cked up for not ever wanting sex? Have you considered the fact that a lot of people don't want sex at all and that is normal for them? It does not interest every person. But if the reason that she is afraid is the result of abuse (or simply because of that time you mentioned it was forced on her--that sounds like enough to me) then that still doesn't make her "f**cked up." I can't understand why you would consider using such terminology when this is your friend. It is incredibly offensive and insensitive.

Interestingly, were are biologically created to want sex - that is the norm. So, not to want it in general (not meaning with a specific person) and overall is abnormal from that vantage point.

[GateandGarden]

What is your problem? Leave the conversation if you're just going to attack or flame me coz I came here with a question. With all the *inappropriate* threads on this board, don't single mine out when it is a real person with a real problem. No. I don't get you. I get you as being a judging person who is judging me. I get you as a hypocrite. Thanks for the **** you. Yep, that helps a lot.But do you see the point she's trying to make? I believe it is the same as mine.

[GateandGarden]

Interestingly, were are biologically created to want sex - that is the norm. So, not to want it in general (not meaning with a specific person) and overall is abnormal from that vantage point.I don't think I agree with that, though obviously I haven't researched it or anything like that. I just think that it's as normal as homosexuality. If I met someone who was asexual, I wouldn't think of that any differently.

[lagringader&r]

You said that she could be f**cked up for not ever wanting sex? Have you considered the fact that a lot of people don't want sex at all and that is normal for them? It does not interest every person. But if the reason that she is afraid is the result of abuse (or simply because of that time you mentioned it was forced on her--that sounds like enough to me) then that still doesn't make her "f**cked up." I can't understand why you would consider using such terminology when this is your friend. It is incredibly offensive and insensitive.

One more time. With all the inappropriate threads on this board, this is the one you're singling out? Maybe I should have said that it was a f**ked up situation. I don't know if the dude was wrong for doing what he did or if she needs some help with the way she acted when he did it. My question is: Is it normal to be afraid of sex? Is it something that's common? Why would somebody be afraid of it? Those were the questions I had and thanks to some of you who actually tried to answer the question without flaming me. To the others: I have nothing more to say.

[strandinthewind]

I don't think I agree with that, though obviously I haven't researched it or anything like that. I just think that it's as normal as homosexuality. If I met someone who was asexual, I wouldn't think of that any differently.

I am not talking about actually having sex or what is done during it or what genders are involved. I am talking about inherent sex drive, which we, like all life, are built to have. We have glands that force us into it and without which we would have none.

As for this girl, she must have some sex drive as she clearly found this guy attractive enough to heavily pet with :shrug:

[lagringader&r]

Interestingly, were are biologically created to want sex - that is the norm. So, not to want it in general (not meaning with a specific person) and overall is abnormal from that vantage point.

Yep, that's what I was trying to say. I might not be as good with words as some peeps but I think it's really being a hypocrite to judge me while telling me not to judge. Strand, thank you. You said what I was trying to.

[dissention]

I don't think I agree with that

How can you disagree with it? Humans are wired to want sex; they're sexual beings. It has nothing to do with heterosexuality and homosexuality, it has to do with sexuality. Those who are asexual in terms of lacking any sexual feelings are simply outside the norm. :shrug:

[lagringader&r]

As for this girl, she must have some sex drive as she clearly found this guy attractive enough to heavily pet with :shrug:

Again thank you! Is it ok if I just pm you with my questions from now on and you can word them for me? :xoxo:

[strandinthewind]

One more time. With all the inappropriate threads on this board, this is the one you're singling out? Maybe I should have said that it was a f**ked up situation. I don't know if the dude was wrong for doing what he did or if she needs some help with the way she acted when he did it. My question is: Is it normal to be afraid of sex? Is it something that's common? Why would somebody be afraid of it? Those were the questions I had and thanks to some of you who actually tried to answer the question without flaming me. To the others: I have nothing more to say.

I think it is, solely from a biological perspective, abnormal to be afraid of sex. We are built to yearn for it not freak out at that sight of a penis. So, from that point of view, if your friend really totally freaked out during heavy petting she could have a deep rooted mental and/or biological problem like intercourse is painful as Mary mentioned, she was assaulted, her hormones are not functioning properly, etc. I mean many men are terrified of sex if their foreskin is too tight to slide off of their glans and eschew all sex until it is corrected.

[GateandGarden]

One more time. With all the inappropriate threads on this board, this is the one you're singling out? Maybe I should have said that it was a f**ked up situation. I don't know if the dude was wrong for doing what he did or if she needs some help with the way she acted when he did it. My question is: Is it normal to be afraid of sex? Is it something that's common? Why would somebody be afraid of it? Those were the questions I had and thanks to some of you who actually tried to answer the question without flaming me. To the others: I have nothing more to say.Well, I don't mean to single out your thread. I don't find the thread itself inappropriate, aside from the title and some of the wording. You wanting to understand your friend is understandable. :shrug: I just noticed it and felt like clicking on it because I had a few minutes on my hands. It wasn't like I set out to criticize you; that's not the case at all.

I'm thinking it's possible that something about this particular guy turned her off and that may be what was going on. Or she may actually be afraid of sex. There are many reasons for that. Some people are not ready, others have been abused, others are dealing with questions about their sexual orientation. I'm just speaking from my own personal experiences and from knowing others who have been through simliar things, and so there is probably much more than I know.

As for why I chose to respond the way I did, it's because your wording was so offensive. :shrug: I'm not going to get into how it made me feel and what I've been through personally because, hell, people around here know way too much about me as it is. It just struck me as particularly offensive and I felt compelled to say something. It's not intended to be some condemnation of you; I don't want you to take it personally and think I dislike you or anything of the sort. I just had a problem with something you said; that happens often enough with lots of Ledgies. :shrug:

[strandinthewind]

Again thank you! Is it ok if I just pm you with my questions from now on and you can word them for me? :xoxo:

only if we can booze it up during the sessions :laugh: :wavey:

[dissention]

As for this girl, she must have some sex drive as she clearly found this guy attractive enough to heavily pet with :shrug:

Good point.

Personally, it just sounds to me like she has anxiety about actually going through with intercourse. She obviously finds men attractive and has some sort of sexual drive, like Jason said. I won't presume to know what goes on in her head that makes her uneasy about engaging in the act; it could be any number of things until she decides that she wants to open up to you about it.

[dissention]

We are built to yearn for it not freak out at that sight of a penis.

That depends on the penis being exposed. :laugh:

[lagringader&r]

only if we can booze it up during the sessions :laugh: :wavey:

Gawd, don't tempt me!

[strandinthewind]

Good point.

Personally, it just sounds to me like she has anxiety about actually going through with intercourse. She obviously finds men attractive and has some sort of sexual drive, like Jason said. I won't presume to know what goes on in her head that makes her uneasy about engaging in the act; it could be any number of things until she decides that she wants to open up to you about it.

Maybe it was, like Dissention's, 12 inches x 9 inches and she went crazy at the thought :laugh:

obvious levity to lighten up the mood :wavey:

[lagringader&r]

Don't act like a victim. Your initial posts and follow-ups were very personally offensive and so it was to be noted.

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[GateandGarden]

How can you disagree with it? Humans are wired to want sex; they're sexual beings. It has nothing to do with heterosexuality and homosexuality, it has to do with sexuality. Those who are asexual in terms of lacking any sexual feelings are simply outside the norm. :shrug:But that is pretty much exactly what some groups of people say about homosexuals, it is not? We are wired to be attracted to the opposite sex, says biology. The organs fit together, etc. It is going against biology to prefer the same sex. I never bought that so of course I'm going to be loath to buy into this. Just as not all humans are heterosexual beings, I don't see why all humans have to be sexual beings.

[strandinthewind]

That depends on the penis being exposed. :laugh:

Well, when I hand them the tweezers to masterbate me, it usually promotes peels of laughter and then a quick $100 out of pity. Hey - ya gotta work with what ya got :cool:

[estranged4life]

It certainly is not normal to be afraid of a male organ,

imagine that poor ol' confused Burger King lady walking into the restaurant after being flashed by a perv who wanted her to check out his "manly package", She could only mumble "Where's the Beef?"

That poor ol' granny, Saw a very tiny inch worm/vienna sausage and her brain was never the same...tsk, tsk, tsk.

[lagringader&r]

Maybe it was, like Dissention's, 12 inches x 9 inches and she went crazy at the thought :laugh:

obvious levity to lighten up the mood :wavey:

I really like you.

[strandinthewind]

But that is pretty much exactly what some groups of people say about homosexuals, it is not? We are wired to be attracted to the opposite sex, says biology. The organs fit together, etc. It is going against biology to prefer the same sex. I never bought that so of course I'm going to be loath to buy into this. Just as not all humans are heterosexual beings, I don't see why all humans have to be sexual beings.

Well, the argument "We are wired to be attracted to the opposite sex, says biology" is flawed in that we are wired only to want sex. With whom and what kind are a subset of that and nothing else. But, we are all wired to want sex of some kind.

[dissention]

Maybe it was, like Dissention's, 12 inches x 9 inches and she went crazy at the thought :laugh:

obvious levity to lighten up the mood :wavey:

They always back up when I unzip because they just aren't sure how big it's going to get and like to be next to the nearest exit. :p

[strandinthewind]

I really like you.

Why thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and ditto

[GateandGarden]

Well, the argument "We are wired to be attracted to the opposite sex, says biology" is flawed in that we are wired only to want sex. With whom and what kind are a subset of that and nothing else. But, we are all wired to want sex of some kind.So, if someone says that he or she has simply never had a sex drive, one is to say that he or she is abnormal? Sorry but I don't want to say that because it sounds judgmental to me. :shrug:

[dissention]

We are wired to be attracted to the opposite sex, says biology.

That's not true.

[lagringader&r]

I changed my wording in the original post. I didn't change it for Lux or for anybody else that decided to flame me. To me, f**ked up is a general way of saying something isn't right. I am not always as good as some peeps with how I word things. So I changed it.

[strandinthewind]

So, if someone says that he or she has simply never had a sex drive, one is to say that he or she is abnormal? Sorry but I don't want to say that because it sounds judgmental to me. :shrug:

Biology is never judgemental.

I think you are coming at it from a personal and not biological perspective. it is abnormal from a biological perspective just as not being able to see, hear, walk, talk, etc. is abnormal. We are hard wired to be able to do those things.

From a personal or subjective state. Yes, it would be judgemental (good or bad) to assume this person's biological abnormality (if that is what is going on here) is not up to my standards.

It is two separate thoughts.

[estranged4life]

They always back up when I unzip because they just aren't sure how big it's going to get and like to be next to the nearest exit. :p

they call me "tripod"!!!

[strandinthewind]

I changed my wording in the original post. I didn't change it for Lux or for anybody else that decided to flame me. To me, f**ked up is a general way of saying something isn't right. I am not always as good as some peeps with how I word things. So I changed it.

I did not take offense at it and realized you were speaking in the vernacular. But, others did for whatever reason and it was cool of you to change it.

[strandinthewind]

They always back up when I unzip because they just aren't sure how big it's going to get and like to be next to the nearest exit. :p

and that's just the unraveling of your pubic hair - sort of like a jack in the box with a large afro :eek: Zip and then SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :laugh:

[lagringader&r]

Biology is never judgemental.

I think you are coming at it from a personal and not biological perspective. it is abnormal from a biological perspective just as not being able to see, hear, walk, talk, etc. is abnormal. We are hard wired to be able to do those things.

From a personal or subjective state. Yes, it would be judgemental (good or bad) to assume this person's biological abnormality (if that is what is going on here) is not up to my standards.

It is two separate thoughts.

I agree. We are born to want certain things and sex is one of them. It's not just with us. It's with animals too. It's instinct. So if she was attracted enough to *heavy pet* with the dude and she only freaked out when he took it out, what does that mean? If I was turned off to a guy, I wouldn't let him feel me at all. So that's where the question comes in about being afraid of a sexual organ or a sexual act. See how careful I am now with my wording? But let's get back to the subjects of snowballing later.

I hate hypocrites.

[Serrart]

I agree. We are born to want certain things and sex is one of them. It's not just with us. It's with animals too. It's instinct. So if she was attracted enough to *heavy pet* with the dude and she only freaked out when he took it out, what does that mean?

I think it simply means that sexual life for everyone is a very personal universe that melt fears, dreams, happiness, mournings, expectations and disappointments, in an unique and quite uncomprehensible way.

Romy

[lagringader&r]

Why must you get in an extra one and continue to dismiss how offended I and others were? I was not being hypocritical, I was hurt and tried to express to you the offense taken, there was no harsh language until my offense was continually dismissed. Do not continue to call me a hypocrite.

Last post to you on this thread. I'll stop calling you a hypocrite when you stop saying **** you to me and calling me a judging person. You were judging me for something I wasn't doing if you bothered to read the other posts at all. You were judging me for judging which I wasn't doing. That's a hypocrite. If you have a problem with something somebody posted, why don't you try to be a little cooler about it and not say **** you. THAT is offensive. Deal?

[GateandGarden]

That's not true.I know. I was saying it as an example of something that some members of the right use to justify condemnation of homosexuality.

[dissention]

I know. I was saying it as an example of something that some members of the right use to justify condemnation of homosexuality.

But why? We're not talking about the right and I was under the assumption that we were discussing Jason's comment that human beings are wired to be sexual beings and that those who aren't are abnormal from that standpoint. It has really nothing to do with homosexuality or heterosexuality, or politics; it's about sexuality.

[GateandGarden]

Biology is never judgemental.

I think you are coming at it from a personal and not biological perspective. it is abnormal from a biological perspective just as not being able to see, hear, walk, talk, etc. is abnormal. We are hard wired to be able to do those things.

From a personal or subjective state. Yes, it would be judgemental (good or bad) to assume this person's biological abnormality (if that is what is going on here) is not up to my standards.

It is two separate thoughts.Okay, I understand your distinction.

Whether or not the issue is so personal for me is uncertain. I don't consider myself asexual, but I suppose the parallel between the ignorance that surrounds asexuality and the ignorance that surrounds homosexuality made it personal enough.

Still, since biology (like all sciences except physics, I believe) is ever-changing, I think it's possible that we could discover that human beings can have a natural disinclination towards sex. :shrug:

[GateandGarden]

But why? We're not talking about the right and I was under the assumption that we were discussing Jason's comment that human beings are wired to be sexual beings and that those who aren't are abnormal from that standpoint. It has really nothing to do with homosexuality or heterosexuality, or politics; it's about sexuality.In some of my comments, I was looking at it from a social standpoint as well.

[GateandGarden]

Last post to you on this thread. I'll stop calling you a hypocrite when you stop saying **** you to me and calling me a judging person. You were judging me for something I wasn't doing if you bothered to read the other posts at all. You were judging me for judging which I wasn't doing. That's a hypocrite. If you have a problem with something somebody posted, why don't you try to be a little cooler about it and not say **** you. THAT is offensive. Deal?But you used the f-word liberally as well, in reference to a person, and also in reference to many other people like her, inevitably.

[strandinthewind]

In some of my comments, I was looking at it from a social standpoint as well.

and, not that you need me or anyone else to validate your feelings, there is nothing wrong with that and we all do it.

I was just noting that the fact that we have glands and hormones means we are built to want to use our sex organs. How or how often we use them is where the ridiculous ignorance you are talking about comes into play. I mean I am into NM (Neiman Marcus) not S&M and cannot really fathom the whole put me in a locked cage in the basement until you get home work and then beat the hell out of me until dawn so I can ejaculate and enjoy it sect out there (and I know people who do this mind you) - but for me to say "that is sick" or "that is unnatural" is wrong in the sense that what I like sexually (from tickeling my knees to whatever) is open for that same judgement. So, it is IMO and though it is hard for most if not all, best not judge consenual behavior, which is I think what you are talking about in part.

I mean if someone waits until they are 45 before ever touching another person, who am I to tell them that is wrong or abormal if they have all of their biological parts in tact and are truly just not interested. Just because we have a sex drive (maybe manifested only in yearing or dreams) does not mean we are under an obligation from a social perspective to use it.

[GateandGarden]

I understand now, Jason. Thanks for explaining.

[irishgrl]

I think it is, solely from a biological perspective, abnormal to be afraid of sex. We are built to yearn for it not freak out at that sight of a penis. So, from that point of view, if your friend really totally freaked out during heavy petting she could have a deep rooted mental and/or biological problem like intercourse is painful as Mary mentioned, she was assaulted, her hormones are not functioning properly, etc. I mean many men are terrified of sex if their foreskin is too tight to slide off of their glans and eschew all sex until it is corrected.

I dont know if we are exactly built to "yearn" for it, but we sure as heck are curious about it....and for someone to react the way that friend did is indicative (to ME anyway) that there is an underlying issue of SOME sort. Either abuse or a bad experience of some kind (which could have been consentual but went bad for some reason?) At any rate, there is a documented phenomenon where some women experience a clamping down of the muscles of the vaginal wall that creates a very real pain if a man tries to penetrate. The only thing that helps with that is therapy and understanding (and lots of patience) on the partner's part. If your friend had a bad experience once or even several times, she may be reacting in a physical as well as mental/emotional manner.

Understand, I dont know if this is the cause, but if it is even part of the problem, then she will definitely need to see a sex therapist if she WANTS to have sex. Ultimately, this whole topic turns on whether your friend is actually bothered by her reaction or not--in other words, does she WANT to have sex and find that she cant? If so, she should see a sex therapist.

If on the other hand, she is just not turned on by sex, then I dont know what to say about that...I have no frame of reference for that, and no training and Im not about to make a guess.

[strandinthewind]

^^^^

Ohh I agree that if she really freaked out (tears, fetal position, violent behavior, etc. ) then there is something going on that she needs to address.

It so saddens me that there are creeps in this world who hurt other people.

[irishgrl]

ok, I found the term for the condition I was describing: "vaginismus".

It is somewhat common, and there are informational sites for it. I would recommend this site as a starting point:
http://www.womentc.com/vaginismus.htm

here's another from a mental professional point of view:
http://www.psychnet-uk.com/dsm_iv/vaginismus_disorder.htm

there's more but you get the drift....
NOTE: I am not at all sure if this is what is happening with your friend, but if so, I hope this info helps. If it ISNT the issue, just ignore :)

[amber]

Just as some people can't seem to have enough sex, others don't have much of a sex drive. Maybe that's abnormal, although I wouldn't go as far as that, but unless it's bothering the person in question, I don't see it as a problem.

The other thing I'd say is that maybe your friend needs to be more comfortable with the guy before she goes all the way. A third date is quite soon I think. Some people need to feel they really know a person before they can be intimate with them. These things are different for everybody.

(Honestly, I'm not being horrible or anything, but I'd be upset if I knew a friend was discussing my problems on a messageboard. I hope she doesn't find out!)
Really? I wouldn't care unless they said my name, or unless they had a common friend on the message board who could tell it was me. And if I never found out, then I really wouldn't care. :p hahaha, you definitely have a point there, though. :xoxo:

[crylove77]

Just to chime in here...in one of your first posts, you said your friend was forced once? I've read that many women who are raped (let's call it what it is) often have flashbacks of the trauma. Maybe she thinks she wants to have sex, but when it gets really hot and heavy and near that point, she flashes back to her rape.
I don't think lagringader&r (I'm sorry, I don't know your real name:shrug: ) was being judgemental or critical to said friend. But I think the friend obviously thinks there is a problem as well, if she came for advice and said she herself didn't know why she 'freaked out'.

I don't think it is normal by society's current standards not to want sex in some form or fashion. But I do agree with GateandGarden (sorry, I don't know your name either) that science is constantly changing and we are learning new things everyday. And it may very well be biologically normal to not want sex...we just don't know it yet. 100 years ago, it was accepted that homosexuals were diseased boogymen who molested little children. Unfortunately, some sects of our society still adhere to these beliefs, but we have come a long way, although not nearly as far as we should have.

[GateandGarden]

I don't think it is normal by society's current standards not to want sex in some form or fashion. But I do agree with GateandGarden (sorry, I don't know your name either) that science is constantly changing and we are learning new things everyday. Hi Angie. :wavey: Great post. Call me Hillary. :) It's not what I prefer necessarily but it is my name. :laugh:

[lagringader&r]

Just to chime in here...in one of your first posts, you said your friend was forced once? I've read that many women who are raped (let's call it what it is) often have flashbacks of the trauma. Maybe she thinks she wants to have sex, but when it gets really hot and heavy and near that point, she flashes back to her rape.
I don't think lagringader&r (I'm sorry, I don't know your real name:shrug: ) was being judgemental or critical to said friend. But I think the friend obviously thinks there is a problem as well, if she came for advice and said she herself didn't know why she 'freaked out'.

I don't think it is normal by society's current standards not to want sex in some form or fashion. But I do agree with GateandGarden (sorry, I don't know your name either) that science is constantly changing and we are learning new things everyday. And it may very well be biologically normal to not want sex...we just don't know it yet. 100 years ago, it was accepted that homosexuals were diseased boogymen who molested little children. Unfortunately, some sects of our society still adhere to these beliefs, but we have come a long way, although not nearly as far as we should have.

Thanks for not being judging. :D You're right. She did come to me for advice and was concerned about it. Your post also made sense which is why I asked the question to begin with. For somebody to listen and make sense. I'm Sue, btw. To trackaghost: There is nobody else that I could ask for advice. We have the same friends and I think asking somebody who knows her name would be REALLY bad and much worse than asking peeps on a message board who don't even know her. She hates FM so she would never come here and won't find out but thanks for your concern. To everybody who didn't flame and actually tried to give some advice: Thank you.

[irishgrl]

100 years ago, it was accepted that homosexuals were diseased boogymen who molested little children.
Angie, homosexuals have been with us throughout history. The Hopi Indians even gave them a special ceremonial function in their tribes, that of "clown".
Think back to Greece and Rome...there were homosexuals then. This is not a new phenomenon by any means :)

by the way, you know me from another board.....

[GateandGarden]

Angie, homosexuals have been with us throughout history. The Hopi Indians even gave them a special ceremonial function in their tribes, that of "clown".
Think back to Greece and Rome...there were homosexuals then. This is not a new phenomenon by any means :)

by the way, you know me from another board.....Yeah, but I think it's safe to say that 100 years ago in America homosexuality was pretty much how she described it.

[crylove77]

Yeah, but I think it's safe to say that 100 years ago in America homosexuality was pretty much how she described it.


That's what I was gettin' at.:)

[crylove77]

by the way, you know me from another board.....

:wavey: :D

[reebokandlace]

For what it's worth I thought I would throw in my two cents here....

When I read your post I had all kinds of questions...forgive me I only read the first 3 pages of posts so I don't know if you answered this somewhere along the line... but I think the girls age is an extremely important factor!! Are we talking about a 16 year old child or are we talking about a 35 year old woman? Big difference!!


I think we have narrowed it down to the following:

1. She was abused in the past and therefore has "issues" with loving sex now. Not normal, needs therapy or a loving partner to help her through this.

2. Possibly she is under 21 years old and isn't emotionally ready to handle a sexual relationship, totally normal (really any age could be "not ready" but by 30, ummm...well you all know what I mean)

3. She is afraid of "the penis" because it can ruin her life (pregnant), again, totally normal, "if you don't want to pay, don't play".

4. She is possibly subconsciously exploring her sexuality. Isn't quite ready to sleep with a woman, but knows "the penis" repulses her or turns her off. Totally normal.

5. She is asexual. (please don't flame me for this....but for SOME it is totally normal) For whatever reason, they just have a low sex drive, that is the way they are wired and are content with it. Yes yes I know, some will say "there is something physiologically wrong and she should get some meds to get those hormones flowing and jump on that penis and ride it all the way to the moon" But honestly, many people are happy with a low sex drive. It allows them to put that energy into other creative outlets. Different strokes for different folks.

Just my two cents.

[lagringader&r]

For what it's worth I thought I would throw in my two cents here....

When I read your post I had all kinds of questions...forgive me I only read the first 3 pages of posts so I don't know if you answered this somewhere along the line... but I think the girls age is an extremely important factor!! Are we talking about a 16 year old child or are we talking about a 35 year old woman? Big difference!!


I think we have narrowed it down to the following:

1. She was abused in the past and therefore has "issues" with loving sex now. Not normal, needs therapy or a loving partner to help her through this.

2. Possibly she is under 21 years old and isn't emotionally ready to handle a sexual relationship, totally normal (really any age could be "not ready" but by 30, ummm...well you all know what I mean)

3. She is afraid of "the penis" because it can ruin her life (pregnant), again, totally normal, "if you don't want to pay, don't play".

4. She is possibly subconsciously exploring her sexuality. Isn't quite ready to sleep with a woman, but knows "the penis" repulses her or turns her off. Totally normal.

5. She is asexual. (please don't flame me for this....but for SOME it is totally normal) For whatever reason, they just have a low sex drive, that is the way they are wired and are content with it. Yes yes I know, some will say "there is something physiologically wrong and she should get some meds to get those hormones flowing and jump on that penis and ride it all the way to the moon" But honestly, many people are happy with a low sex drive. It allows them to put that energy into other creative outlets. Different strokes for different folks.

Just my two cents.

Thank you! She's 29. I don't think she's gay. She was forced once so maybe that was it. She said she didn't even know why she freaked out and it shocked her as much as it shocked the dude she was with. We hung out in our drug days and after and she was always turning down guys for it. I didn't really think about it or I thought maybe she wasn't into the guys but when she told me the freaking out thing I started to think that something was wrong. For the record, I think that something that happens to somebody can f**k them up. That's what I meant in the original post. Sh*t that's happened to me has f**ked me up in a lot of ways. I still have short term memory loss from my years of using. Anyway, she's had sex before and was in a long relationship with one of our friends. So it's not like she's never had it. I don't think it's *asexual*. If it is *asexual* it's coz something happened to make her that way. She just stopped having it and freaked out seeing a penis. I think that's more than having a low sex drive. I didn't know what to say and I didn't want to say the wrong thing coz she was depressed about it. So I came here. Thanks for the ideas.