Cheating

[paleshadow]

I'm interested in knowing what people think about this question:

If you had a friend or acquaintance who was cheating on their spouse, whom you barely know, would you somehow let them know that they were being cheated on?

From another angle, how would you feel if someone you didn't know told you that your spouse was cheating on you?

[amber]

Don't tell. Just don't. :shocked:

[diamondsnake]

You have to tell their spouse that they are being cheated on. This person is being made a fool of and they deserve to know.

[macfanken]

No, I wouldn't tell, it would be none of my business. If my friend were the one being cheated on then it might be my business.

[Serrart]

Don't tell. Even the way these things are said could be important. You don't know her/him well enough to predict his/ her reaction and choose the right words, I think.

Romy

[paleshadow]

No, I wouldn't tell, it would be none of my business. If my friend were the one being cheated on then it might be my business.

Also, would it make a difference if the cheater was telling the people they are cheating with that they aren't married?

[paleshadow]

Don't tell. Just don't. :shocked:

Don't worry Amber, your secrets safe with me... ;)

[amber]

Also, would it make a difference if the cheater was telling the people they are cheating with that they aren't married?
Wow, that is a sticky wicket! That's soooo not fair to the person the cheater is cheating with!!! I'm more inclined to say to tell that person that so and so is married, then to tell the husband. :shrug: Because the person that the cheater is cheating with isn't really making an informed choice. It's all very sticky, though....

[amber]

Don't worry Amber, your secrets safe with me... ;)
:laugh: :lol: :laugh:
Whew!

[seeker007nmss]

I'm interested in knowing what people think about this question:

If you had a friend or acquaintance who was cheating on their spouse, whom you barely know, would you somehow let them know that they were being cheated on?

From another angle, how would you feel if someone you didn't know told you that your spouse was cheating on you?

Isn't there a hallmark card for a situation like this?

I think you should know about your spouse...
He's a cheater and a great big louse.
So take all his junk
and put it out on the lawn
And through the bum out of the house!

:p :p

[seeker007nmss]

I'm interested in knowing what people think about this question:

If you had a friend or acquaintance who was cheating on their spouse, whom you barely know, would you somehow let them know that they were being cheated on?

From another angle, how would you feel if someone you didn't know told you that your spouse was cheating on you?


I think I would only tell if I had proof...like pictures. :D

[amber]

Isn't there a hallmark card for a situation like this?

I think you should know about your spouse...
He's a cheater and a great big louse.
To take all his junk
and put it out on the lawn
And through the bum out of the house!

:p :p
:laugh: :lol: :laugh:

[macfanken]

Also, would it make a difference if the cheater was telling the people they are cheating with that they aren't married?

Well now I think you're just trying to confuse me! :laugh: I'm inclined to say that the person being cheated with (who could be innocent in this) should be told, but then you might as well tell the person being cheated on because they're innocent too. I don't know, I think I'd still keep quiet at this point.

[dissention]

It's not my business, so I wouldn't say a word. Let them find out in their own time or not at all. Chances are that if someone is cheating, the relationship is going to hit the skids eventually, anyway, because it's not very solid.

[seeker007nmss]

It's not my business, so I wouldn't say a word. Let them find out in their own time or not at all. Chances are that if someone is cheating, the relationship is going to hit the skids eventually, anyway, because it's not very solid.

Unless you want to anonimously tell them both, and then sit back and watch! That would be evil.... :nod:

[seeker007nmss]

No f*cking way! You have to stay out of their business. I hate it when people only see the stigma of 'cheating'. There's so much personal circumstance involved and it's not always the great demon, sometimes but not always. The information is not your property to pass on because you think it's 'wrong'. To take it as a universal crime, like information you have the right to pass on to those involved, in my view that would be incredibly nosey and pathetic. It's almost like abortion, placing your morals on those you are actually living through it, you might think it's wrong but it's not your body so stay out of it. Yeah, I strongly think you don't tell in that case.

How do you really feel? Stop candy coating it. :laugh:

[SteveMacD]

I say mind your own business on this one. However, there's nothing that says an anonymous envelope with revealing pictures couldn't magically appear in the cheated on one's mailbox.

[amber]

I say mind your own business on this one. However, there's nothing that says an anonymous envelope with revealing pictures couldn't magically appear in the cheated on one's mailbox.
:lol: *snicker*
Is it wrong that this made me giggle my bun off? I would never do that, though. Lest it be done to me when I am cheating! :lol: I'm kidding, I'm kidding....

[paleshadow]

I say mind your own business on this one. However, there's nothing that says an anonymous envelope with revealing pictures couldn't magically appear in the cheated on one's mailbox.

Or submit their case to Cheaters the tv show! Has anyone ever seen that! It's awful! It's a show where detectives secretly follow around a suspected cheater and then show the video footage to the person being cheated on. It all ends up with a big confrontation with all three people and the camera crew!

[DrummerDeanna]

Though I HATE HATE HATE the concept of cheating on one's spouse - I'm going with th concensus on this one - probably best not to tell :o

I have a friend who's having an affair with a married woman - like my friend's a lesbian and having an affair with some man's wife. She been to their house for dinner -on family outings etc...this poor man is being made a complete fool of in front of his face and in his own home and he's clueless..

BUT I've kept silent because I really dont' know the guy and I don't know the chippy who's cheating...

I just pretty much give NO sympathy to my friend when she complains about things in their relationship...:shrug:

[amber]

Or submit their case to Cheaters the tv show! Has anyone ever seen that! It's awful! It's a show where detectives secretly follow around a suspected cheater and then show the video footage to the person being cheated on. It all ends up with a big confrontation with all three people and the camera crew!
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Oh, man, that show is so ghetto bad...

[paleshadow]

Though I HATE HATE HATE the concept of cheating on one's spouse - I'm going with th concensus on this one - probably best not to tell :o

I have a friend who's having an affair with a married woman - like my friend's a lesbian and having an affair with some man's wife. She been to their house for dinner -on family outings etc...this poor man is being made a complete fool of in front of his face and in his own home and he's clueless..

BUT I've kept silent because I really dont' know the guy and I don't know the chippy who's cheating...

I just pretty much give NO sympathy to my friend when she complains about things in their relationship...:shrug:

Yeah, it's been a struggle. I already had decided not to say anything, but I was just curious what other people thought about it. This is the second time my friend has strayed.
The first time was with a mutual co-worker. It was funny too because a mutual friend had thought he and I were a gay couple, and asked him once if we had broken up because she hadn't seen us together in a while. So he told me about it, and I went up to her and made a joke about he and I breaking up. Then I laughed and said that his wife would be upset if she found out. Well, the girls face got pasty white, and it turned out he was trying to hook up with her friend. So I asked her to please not tell the friend, and she said she wouldn't, but the next day the **** hit the fan. He told the girl he was trying to fool around with that I made the story up because I didn't like her, and that he wasn't married. He called me that morning and said "I hope you'll still talk to me after today" and then when I got to work, the girls friend paged me and told me everything. The funny thing is that after she found out he was married they stared screwing! He kept telling me they were just friends, but people saw them all over town making out in parking lots and at gas stations.
Well, finally once it ended he told me about it, and said that he loved his wife, but basically that this was just sex, and any man would do it if given the chance, but that he changed his ways.

So anyway, flash forward 2 years, his wife just had their second child, a baby girl, and I run into someone I used to work with who has a friend he's trying to get with. The story now is that he's divorced and has one kid.

The whole Scott Peterson thing kept popping up in my head, and Lori Hacking. While there is a part of me that feels like his wife should know, I agree with what Lux said in a way, that there could be a lot more to the story. His wife could be cheating, or an awful person, so that's why I decided not to say anything. I just ended the friendship though, and I hope that things turn out for the best with everyone. I'm going with karma on this one!

[wondergirl9847]

Love that dang show! Hee!!

Don't tell...stay out of it. My mom went to my aunt when she found out my uncle was cheating and the sh*t did hit the fan! She has hated my mom ever since. My uncle is dead now, but his relationship with my mom was pretty much nil after that. :(

They will find out eventually.

[DrummerDeanna]

Yeah, it's been a struggle. I already had decided not to say anything, but I was just curious what other people thought about it. This is the second time my friend has strayed.
The first time was with a mutual co-worker. It was funny too because a mutual friend had thought he and I were a gay couple, and asked him once if we had broken up because she hadn't seen us together in a while. So he told me about it, and I went up to her and made a joke about he and I breaking up. Then I laughed and said that his wife would be upset if she found out. Well, the girls face got pasty white, and it turned out he was trying to hook up with her friend. So I asked her to please not tell the friend, and she said she wouldn't, but the next day the **** hit the fan. He told the girl he was trying to fool around with that I made the story up because I didn't like her, and that he wasn't married. He called me that morning and said "I hope you'll still talk to me after today" and then when I got to work, the girls friend paged me and told me everything. The funny thing is that after she found out he was married they stared screwing! He kept telling me they were just friends, but people saw them all over town making out in parking lots and at gas stations.
Well, finally once it ended he told me about it, and said that he loved his wife, but basically that this was just sex, and any man would do it if given the chance, but that he changed his ways.

So anyway, flash forward 2 years, his wife just had their second child, a baby girl, and I run into someone I used to work with who has a friend he's trying to get with. The story now is that he's divorced and has one kid.

The whole Scott Peterson thing kept popping up in my head, and Lori Hacking. While there is a part of me that feels like his wife should know, I agree with what Lux said in a way, that there could be a lot more to the story. His wife could be cheating, or an awful person, so that's why I decided not to say anything. I just ended the friendship though, and I hope that things turn out for the best with everyone. I'm going with karma on this one!

Holy Damn.

And people wonder why I have trust issues :laugh:

I've been cheated on - but have never cheated - it's just never been something I've wanted to do....:shrug:

SO yeah - more and more lately I'm wondering if anyone is faithful anymore- this stuff just depresses me...:distress:

[paleshadow]

Holy Damn.

And people wonder why I have trust issues :laugh:

I've been cheated on - but have never cheated - it's just never been something I've wanted to do....:shrug:

SO yeah - more and more lately I'm wondering if anyone is faithful anymore- this stuff just depresses me...:distress:

That's why I'm single! :distress: That and my third nipple.

[dissention]

Unless you want to anonimously tell them both, and then sit back and watch! That would be evil.... :nod:

I'm a bitch, but I'm not heartless. :laugh:

[paleshadow]

Some things can look really messy and riddled with guilt from the outside but still, you can't always assume the heinous nature of the cheater. Some family friends got divorced because he was cheating and my mother being the straight-laced person she is, told me that he was basically an arsehole. But I had to question her because although he was cheating, he supported his wife and three children through their whole marriage so that she could spend every waking hour studying and basically ignoring him. I would almost call her selfish and she certainly wasn't making his life fulfilling but if he separated from her he'd see his kids every second weekend or something. He didn't want to be separated from them but was unhappy and is still human so he cheated for many years. I think there's too much grey area to accuse the cheater of evil automatically and that's why I don't think it's anyone's right to take that information as their own.


Yeah, this guy has issues because his dad walked out when he was an infant.
I've suggested to him that maybe that's why he stays in the marriage, because he doesn't want to be like his father. Who knows why people do what they do. His wife; however worked through her first pregnancy and got her masters degree in child psychology and still had time to cook him dinner to bring to work. Is he evil? Maybe not, but not a prize winner either. ;)

[GardenStateGirlie]

As much as I always profess that it's best to be honest with someone--and I am extremely honest at times--I'm not sure that i'd want someone to tell me nor would I want to be the one to tell. First off, it ruins the relationship between you and the person who's being cheated on. Not to mention, when your heart is involved, you're blinded. The person might not believe you to begin with and call you a liar. Meanwhile, the cheater is still cheating and the person being cheated on, although suspicious for a while, will more than likely have their fears eased with a pack of lies told by the cheater. In the end, the truth more than likely will prevail so as ****ty as it sounds, it's best not to get involved and let it be dealt with in its own time in it's own way.

Back when I was in high school, two of my teachers (one of whom I was friendly with) were having an affair. The female teacher was recently divorced and the male teacher, on his third marriage, had a wife and three children. Word got around big time (can't say any of us helped that situation--especially when it would happen IN school) and her reputation was totally tarnished (and she hadn't been working there very long). I'm still not sure whether or not his wife found out but good God, EVERYONE knew from the students to their coworkers and the administration--people that knew his wife. I felt bad for her. The year after I graduated, I saw them all in the mall together--he and his wife, arm and arm pushing their daughter in a stroller.

[lagringader&r]

My vote is don't tell, especially if you don't know the person you're telling that well. In my opinion, there's already something wrong with the relationship if there's cheating going on. Fortunately, I haven't had to deal with that yet so I can't speak from personal experience, but one of my closest male friends is the concierge at a very nice LA hotel and the stories he tells me are :shocked: Obviously some of the clients who register or "keep" women there, celebrities included, are married men because they register under a different name and usually pay with cash. I always feel really bad for the wives. But his job requires him to be discreet and I think the same rule applies to someone you know as a friend or an acquaintance. If you don't know all the facts about the relationship, it's better to leave it alone I think. :nod:

[Johnny Stew]

As much as I always profess that it's best to be honest with someone--and I am extremely honest at times--I'm not sure that i'd want someone to tell me nor would I want to be the one to tell.If I were being cheated on, I would most definitely want to be told.
I won't put up with infidelity. I can do MUCH better than someone who cheats on me, and would rather be single than dating a cheater.

As for telling someone else... well, that depends on the nature of your relationship. I'd tell my best friend if she had spinach between her teeth or had her skirt tucked into her pantyhose... so why wouldn't I tell her if her boyfriend/husband/whatever is running around with someone else? She deserves to know, before everyone else does.

But if I didn't know the person being cheated on very well, then I would mind my own business.

[paleshadow]

If I were being cheated on, I would most definitely want to be told.
I won't put up with infidelity. I can do MUCH better than someone who cheats on me, and would rather be single than dating a cheater.

As for telling someone else... well, that depends on the nature of your relationship. I'd tell my best friend if she had spinach between her teeth or had her skirt tucked into her pantyhose... so why wouldn't I tell her if her boyfriend/husband/whatever is running around with someone else? She deserves to know, before everyone else does.

But if I didn't know the person being cheated on very well, then I would mind my own business.

You know what I'm hearing a lot of people saying, that the wife probably knows, but doesn't want to know. A lot of women I talk to who are married say that the way he behaives would be at least cause for suspicion. Some married women have even said that they don't really care as long as the husband comes home to them and is a good father/provider. That actually makes me want to throw up, but to each his, or her own I guess.
There's also the whole topic of safe sex to be considered too. I personally would want to know so I could protect myself. If I chose to stay with a cheater, that's one thing, but I wouldn't want to take a chance with my life.

[Johnny Stew]

Some married women have even said that they don't really care as long as the husband comes home to them and is a good father/provider. That actually makes me want to throw up, but to each his, or her own I guess. That line of thinking makes me nauseous, too. I've had big time self-esteem issues over the years, and I know I've put up with things in relationships that others probably wouldn't, but I've always had more self-respect than to rationalize someone cheating on me or to let them get away with it.

There's also the whole topic of safe sex to be considered too. I personally would want to know so I could protect myself. If I chose to stay with a cheater, that's one thing, but I wouldn't want to take a chance with my life.Exactly.
Don't be bringing someone else's cooties home to me, thank you very much.

[CelticGypsy]

I would want to know. I have been married for over 25 yrs and yes, I would want to know. Most women do move on after divorce and eventually marry good, honest men. I am just happy I found one the first time :nod:

I do remember while in the military about 18 yrs ago, there was this guy who went to an Army school with my husband and he kept telling his buddies and their spouses that he was divorced. After the school is finished, most of the same classmates and their spouses find themselves in CA and this jerk is shopping in the PX with his cute wife and very cute young kids and this jerk sees a few of us and you could tell he wanted to sink into the floor. He had lied to everyone about being divorced and he lied to the woman he cheated with by telling her he was divorced so she fell in love with him. This guy thought he was homefree from ever seeing any of us again but about 12 people from the class along with some of their families were sent to the same Language school in CA :lol: :laugh: and his wife eventually found out her husband was a cheat and the young woman he cheated with felt really terrible that she was lied to and she had alot of trust issues afterwards :distress: This guy lost respect from his classmates when we all found out about him being married to this really nice woman and we felt bad that he had kids too. So if you cheat, people will find out eventually.

[golddustwoman77]

I had this very situation with my best friend in high school and college. Her boyfriend(now husband) was cheating on her our senior year in college, and I found out about it. I decided to tell her, because I would want to know. Instead of getting mad at him, she got mad at me. She didn't believe it, and she was in this total state of denial. It ruined our friendship. We finally made up, but we have really never been close again. Also, she never did believe he was cheating, even though I saw it with my own two eyes. She then married him, and they have been in and out of marriage counseling ever since. :shrug: Having said all that, my advice is to not tell them. They will find out on their own usually, and that will probably be the only way they'll believe it anyway.

[dissention]

As for telling someone else... well, that depends on the nature of your relationship. I'd tell my best friend if she had spinach between her teeth or had her skirt tucked into her pantyhose... so why wouldn't I tell her if her boyfriend/husband/whatever is running around with someone else? She deserves to know, before everyone else does.

Blatantly telling someone that they're being cheated on by their spouse or lover shows a lack of couth, in my opinion. It isn't the business of anyone but the two people in that particular relationship.

[dissention]

Some married women have even said that they don't really care as long as the husband comes home to them and is a good father/provider.

Have you been talking to Goldie Hawn? :p

[dissention]

I had this very situation with my best friend in high school and college. Her boyfriend(now husband) was cheating on her our senior year in college, and I found out about it. I decided to tell her, because I would want to know. Instead of getting mad at him, she got mad at me. She didn't believe it, and she was in this total state of denial. It ruined our friendship. We finally made up, but we have really never been close again. Also, she never did believe he was cheating, even though I saw it with my own two eyes. She then married him, and they have been in and out of marriage counseling ever since. :shrug: Having said all that, my advice is to not tell them. They will find out on their own usually, and that will probably be the only way they'll believe it anyway.

I'm glad you were able to have some semblance of a friendship in the end. :)

Telling someone that they're being cheated is very degrading and humiliating to the person you're telling. I could never do it.

[golddustwoman77]

I'm glad you were able to have some semblance of a friendship in the end. :)

Telling someone that they're being cheated is very degrading and humiliating to the person you're telling. I could never do it.


I really cared about her, or I wouldn't have ever told her. But she had made the statement prior to that occurring, that she would want to know. Therefore, I told her (after a lot of thought). It didn't work out like I had planned. I would never tell a person I didn't know extremely well, and now I wouldn't even do that. Live and learn. My heart was in the right place. :distress:

[skcin]

A big part of me wants to say "don't tell, mind your business."

But the health care worker part of me says "Oh my God, they could be exposing their spouse/SO to so many diseases that could harm or even kill them."

Tough call. I'd want to know.

[BTFLCHLD]

Yeah, it's been a struggle. I already had decided not to say anything, but I was just curious what other people thought about it. This is the second time my friend has strayed.
The first time was with a mutual co-worker. It was funny too because a mutual friend had thought he and I were a gay couple, and asked him once if we had broken up because she hadn't seen us together in a while. So he told me about it, and I went up to her and made a joke about he and I breaking up. Then I laughed and said that his wife would be upset if she found out. Well, the girls face got pasty white, and it turned out he was trying to hook up with her friend. So I asked her to please not tell the friend, and she said she wouldn't, but the next day the **** hit the fan. He told the girl he was trying to fool around with that I made the story up because I didn't like her, and that he wasn't married. He called me that morning and said "I hope you'll still talk to me after today" and then when I got to work, the girls friend paged me and told me everything. The funny thing is that after she found out he was married they stared screwing! He kept telling me they were just friends, but people saw them all over town making out in parking lots and at gas stations.
Well, finally once it ended he told me about it, and said that he loved his wife, but basically that this was just sex, and any man would do it if given the chance, but that he changed his ways.

So anyway, flash forward 2 years, his wife just had their second child, a baby girl, and I run into someone I used to work with who has a friend he's trying to get with. The story now is that he's divorced and has one kid.

The whole Scott Peterson thing kept popping up in my head, and Lori Hacking. While there is a part of me that feels like his wife should know, I agree with what Lux said in a way, that there could be a lot more to the story. His wife could be cheating, or an awful person, so that's why I decided not to say anything. I just ended the friendship though, and I hope that things turn out for the best with everyone. I'm going with karma on this one!

yes best to myob