I fee like poo.

[estranged4life]

Originally Posted by sara1998

I hate to be the "Debbie Downer" here, but my grandmother was like that, and went to her grave like that. She manipulated my youngest uncle, he was her favorite, because he would ask how high when she yelled jump. When we, (me, mom, oldest uncle) wouldn't budge, she'd get pissy and say that we didn't love her the way the youngest uncle does. Pathetic bull****. She was always sympathetic and would loan you money, but would hold it over your head... "I loaned you money, now you have to say how high when I say jump..." I never asked that woman for one thing. And she hated it because she couldn't manipulate me, because she didn't have anything to hold over my head. I'm sorry about your moms Deanna. I wish I had some great advice, but I don't. I can just tell you that I've been there....

the ____ that was my Mom's Mother.

This manipulated ____ is single-handedly responsible for my Mom not being able to raise her daughter's when she was younger, which caused my Mom great deals of grief (I didnt know I had 2 older sisters until Jan 2005-Though I knew I had one older sister back in Oct.1989, But I blew my Mom off during that discussion-Sadly My Mom only had less than two months to get to know her daughter she had to give up for adoption Bonita, later to be named Lesa before she died).

When that waste of humanity known as my Grandmother died back in 1994, My Mom notified me by the local Police Dept.. The officer drove here to our home to tell me "Your Mother wanted you to know your Grandmother died...", to which my reply shocked the officer "So...". Thus ended my relationship with that ____. May she rot in the eternity that is her purgatory.

[irishgrl]

Originally Posted by estranged4life

the ____ that was my Mom's Mother.

This manipulated ____ is single-handedly responsible for my Mom not being able to raise her daughter's when she was younger, which caused my Mom great deals of grief (I didnt know I had 2 older sisters until Jan 2005-Though I knew I had one older sister back in Oct.1989, But I blew my Mom off during that discussion-Sadly My Mom only had less than two months to get to know her daughter she had to give up for adoption Bonita, later to be named Lesa before she died).

When that waste of humanity known as my Grandmother died back in 1994, My Mom notified me by the local Police Dept.. The officer drove here to our home to tell me "Your Mother wanted you to know your Grandmother died...", to which my reply shocked the officer "So...". Thus ended my relationship with that ____. May she rot in the eternity that is her purgatory.

I hate to say this Brian, (actually, no, but you're NOT going to like it) but, you and your grandmother will have to RE-DO this particular life lesson. What I mean is, apparently there is enough bad Karma between all of you to warrant another go-round at getting past this particular test. So your grandma flunked this time. She will have to repeat the life until she gets it right (in MY world view) and by harbouring negative feelings toward her, you are only hurting yourself, because you (and anyone who feels like you do) will have to give her another chance to make it right...........like I said on another thread, we are all here by CHOICE and we CHOOSE the people we are here with and any lessons we all need to learn are learned in tandem

(again this is MY world view)

[estranged4life]

Originally Posted by irishgrl

I hate to say this Brian, (actually, no, but you're NOT going to like it) but, you and your grandmother will have to RE-DO this particular life lesson. What I mean is, apparently there is enough bad Karma between all of you to warrant another go-round at getting past this particular test. So your grandma flunked this time. She will have to repeat the life until she gets it right (in MY world view) and by harbouring negative feelings toward her, you are only hurting yourself, because you (and anyone who feels like you do) will have to give her another chance to make it right...........like I said on another thread, we are all here by CHOICE and we CHOOSE the people we are here with and any lessons we all need to learn are learned in tandem

(again this is MY world view)

life will turn in the TNT network, and keep repeating the same ol stuff over-and-over? Or is that the Republicans and their 'oh so loved' War on Terror, I get 'em confused

It's funny, Except for one person, No one in my family has any love loss for my Grandmother. My older sisters contempt for this woman cannot be describe in words.

[irishgrl]

Originally Posted by estranged4life

life will turn in the TNT network, and keep repeating the same ol stuff over-and-over? Or is that the Republicans and their 'oh so loved' War on Terror, I get 'em confused

It's funny, Except for one person, No one in my family has any love loss for my Grandmother. My older sisters contempt for this woman cannot be describe in words.

The sad thing is, now that she is spirit, she knows full WELL just how badly she disappointed all of you. She OWES you ALL, and I wouldnt want to be her....
but, again, the harsh reality is, the Karmic Laws dictate that she WILL HAVE to get it right, and that means you will all at some point have to work it out with her. Lest anyone get hoity toity over this concept, we ALL hurt our family/friends/strangers on a daily basis so we are assuring that we will also be back to right the wrongs as it were.... (again, just MY world view...)

[ragandbone]

For some reason, Poo is much funnier than poop.

But this isn't funny, honestly, how awful! I am so sorry, you are going through this. It's emotional blackmail.
I don't have siblings I grew up with, but I do have some half siblings, and neither my mother, nor the siblings want to see each other, or even hear about each other. None of the family on my father's side has ever wanted to meet me, I have very little family, and yet mother regularly guilt trips me about any contact with the siblings, so that I barely ever talk to them. If my mother did this with a sibling I had grown up with, I would be heartbroken.

It is just so wrong!
When I think about this situation, I am reminded that my extended family, my network of friends, has sometimes been safer and more supportive than "real" family.

[amber]

Originally Posted by ragandbone

For some reason, Poo is much funnier than poop.

But this isn't funny, honestly, how awful! I am so sorry, you are going through this. It's emotional blackmail.
I don't have siblings I grew up with, but I do have some half siblings, and neither my mother, nor the siblings want to see each other, or even hear about each other. None of the family on my father's side has ever wanted to meet me, I have very little family, and yet mother regularly guilt trips me about any contact with the siblings, so that I barely ever talk to them. If my mother did this with a sibling I had grown up with, I would be heartbroken.

It is just so wrong!
When I think about this situation, I am reminded that my extended family, my network of friends, has sometimes been safer and more supportive than "real" family.

Yeah.
Hey, is the girl on the right of your sig pic Linda Ronstadt? (I always spell that wrong).

[ragandbone]

Originally Posted by amber

What's my point? My point is that after you express how you feel to your mom a few times, you no longer have any responsibility for how she reacts, or how she feels. Your only role now is to either accept or reject anything she gives to you. Obviously, I have chosen to accept the good, and eschew the crappy, irrational, or overly lecturous. To be fair, my mom isn't really irrational, mainly over lecturous, but still. If you act from good motives, you aren't responsible for your mom's emotional reaction. She is. And, mark my words, if you guys limit her access to you, there could be a breakthrough. And it sounds like you might facilitate that breakthrough (because of a more logical and impartial stance).


Again, my point is that you don't really have to tolerate anything you don't find acceptable, if you are strong enough to eschew them in favor of something you do want. You are not a child anymore, both you, your mom, and your sister are equal adults.

I left my reply open on the computer, for hours, so I hadn't yet read this post from Amber. I have a friend who cut her mother off for years, and then contacted her, but basically treated her mother in similar fashion to what you describe here Amber, and I was impressed by the way their relationship improved, and seemed much healthier after a few difficult years. Great advice Amber!

[sparky]

This whole story sucks. Mostly because of how typical it is.

I went through a few similar things when I was younger. Family brings with it so many subconscious obligations and emotional attachments, that we are all often in a bad positon to use logic. However, with crazy people, logic is frequently the only weapon.

I found that the only way to deal with past family disputes was as if they were business arrangements. I had a situation with family members where I would come into town and had very limited time. Not enough time to see them all separately. They couldn't stand one another and would not all gather to see me as a group. As a result, I ran myself ragged for a few years trying to see them all in a short time. Finally I wised up. I rotated. Each Holiday season I made two stops. I told everyone involved where I would be. If they wanted to see me, that was where I was making my appearance. If they chose not to come, I informed them I was sorry they were unable to make it. Next year I would make different stops. Period. A time or two, I actually had to say, when they got harsh, "If your conflict with so and so is more important than your desire to see me, I respect that. I respect your priorities." The choice and responsibility was no longer mine. And I refused to respond to a negative statement about anyone. The second anyone uttered negativity I would silently listen. When they were done, I would simply reply, "That's very sad. I wish you got along with them." Any repeated attack I simply refused to respond to. About the only thing I would offer is "Too bad I can't fix it. If you want to fix it, it is up to you. Can we talk about something else ?" Brick wall treatment. The rules of DISengagement.

Shut them all the f*ck up. Some of them fixed things, some of them didn't. Some of them are dead now. Not my problem. I got along with all of them.

Sorry that your situation is so nuts, Deanna. I think from what you have revealed, that your mother is either truly mentally ill, or just wildly manipulative. I wish you luck, and hope you preserve your sanity first.

[SuzeQuze]

Originally Posted by DrummerDeanna

Well true as that may be - it certainly is in my mom's case (she is more and more like my grandma daily) my sister and I do guard zealously AND years of therapy will hopefully help out a bit too

I hear that. My grandmother was a real piece of work. Well, is I should say. She was horrible to my mother and even threatened to poison her one time. Although my mother knew she wouldn't actually do it, still, how sick is that? She was horrible to her but they made some progress in my Mom's early adulthood. However, that was all erased after my grandmother's stroke and she slipped back into being absolutely impossible.

[SuzeQuze]

Originally Posted by JazmenFlowers

sorry that so much has gone to ****. I learned a long time ago that you'll never be able to understand why certain family members act the way they do or treat each other the way they do and all it will get you are sleepless nights and anxiety. you can bet your ass they aren't sitting around wondering about this...so why should you? if they can't get along and your getting **** from both sides, then I say you tell them that your sick of their ****. you have enough problems to deal with as it is and you're not about to tack on their baggage. seriously. it's just not worth it, family or not. I have no tolerance for bull****.

...now, if only I could practice what I preach.

The key word is practice. And we have to always be on our guard in this way. I had some drama at my cookout on Sat, this guy a friend brought decided to drink for the first time in 2 mos and act like a complete a-hole. We called him a cab but in the interum he said to me, "You want me to stay." suggestively. I'm like, "I want you to stay? I don't think so." Score!

[JazmenFlowers]

Originally Posted by sparky

fThis whole story sucks. Mostly because of how typical it is.

you. are awesome.

Originally Posted by SuzeQuze

The key word is practice. And we have to always be on our guard in this way. I had some drama at my cookout on Sat, this guy a friend brought decided to drink for the first time in 2 mos and act like a complete a-hole. We called him a cab but in the interum he said to me, "You want me to stay." suggestively. I'm like, "I want you to stay? I don't think so." Score!

hilarious. I'm sure you were torn trying to decide.

[DrummerDeanna]

Originally Posted by sparky

I found that the only way to deal with past family disputes was as if they were business arrangements. I had a situation with family members where I would come into town and had very limited time. Not enough time to see them all separately. They couldn't stand one another and would not all gather to see me as a group. As a result, I ran myself ragged for a few years trying to see them all in a short time. Finally I wised up. I rotated. Each Holiday season I made two stops. I told everyone involved where I would be. If they wanted to see me, that was where I was making my appearance. If they chose not to come, I informed them I was sorry they were unable to make it. Next year I would make different stops. Period. A time or two, I actually had to say, when they got harsh, "If your conflict with so and so is more important than your desire to see me, I respect that. I respect your priorities." The choice and responsibility was no longer mine. And I refused to respond to a negative statement about anyone. The second anyone uttered negativity I would silently listen. When they were done, I would simply reply, "That's very sad. I wish you got along with them." Any repeated attack I simply refused to respond to. About the only thing I would offer is "Too bad I can't fix it. If you want to fix it, it is up to you. Can we talk about something else ?" Brick wall treatment. The rules of DISengagement.

That's basically what I'm doing now...I have, in the past, listened to my mom's bitching about my sister - and I say nothing but, "Well that's your problem" But last night I finally told her to just not talk to me about it at all.

I'm not her counselor so I told her if she needed to bitch about HER issue with my sister then therapy was probably in order.

My sister well - we don't bitch about this situation per se - but we're sisters, yes we talk about our mother - and other family members...it's what sisters do! My mom doesn't seem to understand that sisters and mothers have different relationships...at least that's how it is with my family.

So I laid down the law a bit last night with the mum...she's no longer irrationally pissed of at me and has apparently rescinded the disown

She's a picnic in pants I tell ya.

[skcin]

Originally Posted by sparky

....Shut them all the f*ck up. Some of them fixed things, some of them didn't. Some of them are dead now. Not my problem. I got along with all of them.

Your entire post was great.

[strandinthewind]

Originally Posted by sparky

fThis whole story sucks. Mostly because of how typical it is.

I went through a few similar things when I was younger. Family brings with it so many subconscious obligations and emotional attachments, that we are all often in a bad positon to use logic. However, with crazy people, logic is frequently the only weapon.

I found that the only way to deal with past family disputes was as if they were business arrangements. I had a situation with family members where I would come into town and had very limited time. Not enough time to see them all separately. They couldn't stand one another and would not all gather to see me as a group. As a result, I ran myself ragged for a few years trying to see them all in a short time. Finally I wised up. I rotated. Each Holiday season I made two stops. I told everyone involved where I would be. If they wanted to see me, that was where I was making my appearance. If they chose not to come, I informed them I was sorry they were unable to make it. Next year I would make different stops. Period. A time or two, I actually had to say, when they got harsh, "If your conflict with so and so is more important than your desire to see me, I respect that. I respect your priorities." The choice and responsibility was no longer mine. And I refused to respond to a negative statement about anyone. The second anyone uttered negativity I would silently listen. When they were done, I would simply reply, "That's very sad. I wish you got along with them." Any repeated attack I simply refused to respond to. About the only thing I would offer is "Too bad I can't fix it. If you want to fix it, it is up to you. Can we talk about something else ?" Brick wall treatment. The rules of DISengagement.

Shut them all the f*ck up. Some of them fixed things, some of them didn't. Some of them are dead now. Not my problem. I got along with all of them.

Sorry that your situation is so nuts, Deanna. I think from what you have revealed, that your mother is either truly mentally ill, or just wildly manipulative. I wish you luck, and hope you preserve your sanity first.

I agree. If I did not take that brick wall attitude with my kin, I'd drive myself more nuts My family essentially gets along, but there are some egos involved. For example, my brother can never seem to be anywhere on time (unless he plans it) and thinks nothing of making us wait on him. I do not do this. I tell him where I am going to be and when - if he makes it great.

My mother cannot possibly be ready to do anything prior to 1:00 p.m. So, I schedule my workout between 9:00 and noon when I am there.

My dad never wants to leave the house and would rather watch anything remotely having to do with sports all day long on the weekend. Som I pretty much leave him alone after watching some of the game with him.

I, of course, live like 500 miles away from these people and recognize it is far easier and better that I go to visit them.

Then, my mother and brother fight. So, I tell them to work it out and leave me out of it, which is easier said than done.

In the end, managing them (which is left up to me) is like herding kittens. But, I have aquited skill over time at it

[michelle2677]

I'm sorry you had a bad day. I hope things are starting to look up for you!!! hang in there. Family conflict is THE.WORST.