Is 4 Months After A Spouse's Death too Soon?

Musicman408 · #1 04-02-2011, 04:46 PM

My dad just called and told me he was seriously seeing someone- (an on and off co-worker he's worked with for years). Needless to say, they've been at least talking for awhile if they're calling themselves serious. This lady lost her husband in an ambulance crash 4 months ago, and has three children. AND, my dad isn't even officially divorced from my mom. Am I the only one who finds this F'ed up?

HomerMcvie · #2 04-02-2011, 04:50 PM

It's different for different people.
My aunt died 2 years and 3 months ago, and my uncle still can't even consider it.
I think it depends on the marriage. Some are marriages of convenience, and some, you're married to your soulmate. Obviously, the former would be easier to move past.
Also to consider - some people just can't stand being alone, and would rather try to have "something", than be alone.

Musicman408 · #3 04-02-2011, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HomerMcvie

It's different for different people.
My aunt died 2 years and 3 months ago, and my uncle still can't even consider it.
I think it depends on the marriage. Some are marriages of convenience, and some, you're married to your soulmate. Obviously, the former would be easier to move past.
Also to consider - some people just can't stand being alone, and would rather try to have "something", than be alone.

Well, the lady's first husband was very abusive, and died a slow death of cancer, and they had two kids. Then she married her last husband, who was apparently the best man and everything ever- and saved her. They have a 6 year old, and he died as an EMT in an ambulance crash..... I just think it's ridiculous.

LikeAWillow · #4 04-02-2011, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HomerMcvie

Also to consider - some people just can't stand being alone, and would rather try to have "something", than be alone.

I agree with this. I'm really sorry Ethan, I know this probably isn't easy for you, but I'm sure the new situation isn't easy for your dad or this woman either. Sometimes it just helps to have a teammate. They're both trying to figure out life alone, and it's probably more terrifying than I can really imagine. I could understand how they would want someone else on their side. They probably DO need time by themselves, but how many of us actually do what's good for us?

**mylittledemon** · #5 04-02-2011, 05:51 PM

It is different for everyone. I mean, hey, life is too short to not tell people how you feel you know? I know that from your perspective that it LOOKS bad... but if your father is divorcing your mother, then odds are that relationship was over (for your father) a long time ago. So he's BEEN ready to move on. So in that instance it's not too soon. I don't know about this other lady. I would *think* that after losing a spouse in death that it would take years. I mean, my dad died in 2006 and his wife was seeing someone about 14 months later. That baffled me... but hey, I can't judge you know? Sure it looks bad, but yeah... what can you do?

daniellaaarisen · #6 04-02-2011, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LikeAWillow

I agree with this. I'm really sorry Ethan, I know this probably isn't easy for you, but I'm sure the new situation isn't easy for your dad or this woman either. Sometimes it just helps to have a teammate. They're both trying to figure out life alone, and it's probably more terrifying than I can really imagine. I could understand how they would want someone else on their side. They probably DO need time by themselves, but how many of us actually do what's good for us?

Couldn't agree with this post more. They could be using each other to get through their own crazy lives.

**mylittledemon** · #7 04-02-2011, 06:05 PM

I think it's really important to remember that your parents are human beings. They aren't perfect. The sooner you can take your parents off that g0d-like pedestal that we tend to put our parents on, the better it will be for you. It took me A LONG TIME to come to terms with that myself. They aren't perfect and they will disappoint you. But, I'm sure they are doing the best they can.

vivfox · #8 04-02-2011, 08:25 PM

How long after Robin's death did Stevie marry Kim?

CelticGypsy · #9 04-05-2011, 03:22 PM

I'm sorry this is happening to you right now. I do feel your pain and confusion and what your heart is going through. As you get older, you'll realize that you won't be able to control everything that is happening around you. Enjoy your weekend with your friends. Don't worry so much about your mom and dad and THEIR problems.

You'll realize that your parents have fallen out of love with each other. That does happen with married couples. Marriage is really HARD work!! I have been married for 32 years, Ethan and some days it's not always roses and picnics but if the two people work together it can be pretty wonderful

Your mom and dad have decided they don't want to be together and they need this time to figure things out for themselves and how to be happy again.

You're still very young and have a GREAT future ahead of you. Stop worrying about mom and dad and concentrate on yourself and fullfilling YOUR own personal dreams and goals.

I lost both of my parents and well, you'll look back and realize all they wanted was to be happy in their lives. I would do anything to have my parents back alive. My dad was a pain sometimes but you know I would love to have five minutes back to say how much I love him and hug him. Your parents are human and they will make mistakes. This is natural. No parent is perfect. Be grateful that you have your mom and dad in your life and let them find their own dreams. You may not agree with them and what they're doing but I am sure you would not want them to take any of your dreams away either. This isn't about you but about your mom and dad trying to reinvent their personal lives.

Next time you see your mom and dad, HUG them and tell them that you love them! Take care!

**mylittledemon** · #10 04-05-2011, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CelticGypsy

I lost both of my parents and well, you'll look back and realize all they wanted was to be happy in their lives. I would do anything to have my parents back alive. My dad was a pain sometimes but you know I would love to have five minutes back to say how much I love him and hug him. Your parents are human and they will make mistakes. This is natural. No parent is perfect. Be grateful that you have your mom and dad in your life and let them find their own dreams. You may not agree with them and what they're doing but I am sure you would not want them to take any of your dreams away either. This isn't about you but about your mom and dad trying to reinvent their personal lives.

Next time you see your mom and dad, HUG them and tell them that you love them! Take care!

Amen.

KarmaContestant · #11 04-05-2011, 03:35 PM

Love is the greatest thing a person can experience. For some, it comes easily. For others...not so. Many people spend their lives together, unhappy but afraid to make a change. Some people are lucky enough to find love when they need it most in their lives.

I know it's hard sometimes to see our parents do things we don't like or agree with, but they are people who deserve as much happiness in their lives as anyone else, you included. It's not always easy, but sometimes we need to step back and understand that our parents are just regular folks. As my favorite movie says:

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

chiliD · #12 04-05-2011, 05:06 PM

Ethan,

I don't want to sound cold, but you sound like you're still wrapped tightly inside a cocoon of "parentalness". You're on your own now, right? You're at a point in your life where you need to think of yourself LESS as being your parents' child as being your parents' GROWN child...start relating to your parents as an adult and let go of the "parent-child" aspect of the relationship. They'll always be your parents and you'll always be their son, but once you reach a certain point, you have to...no...you NEED to start relating to them as an adult. Yes, there'll be a bit of pain & anguish in the "letting go" to let it grow back in a whole new perspective. Starting thinking & reacting as an "adult" and let the "child" go.

I think you'll see how EVERYTHING in your life will change and how people (not just your parents) react to YOU (most likely in a more positive way)

Best of luck!!