Please say a prayer for me...

[sara1998]

Dear God, Brian.

I don't know if you remember that my husband committed suicide 5 and a half years ago. It was the day after his 34th birthday, May 29, 2003. I was 25 years old, and he left me with a 4 year old daughter. He hanged himself in our home. Thank God I didn't find him. I never had the courage to spend another night in that home. I was in utter shock. When the term numb was used to express emotion, or feelings, I never really knew what one meant until then. There was absolutely nothing. Void. I layed in bed for days and didn't eat for even longer. My mother and father had to take care of my daughter for me. I stayed with them because I couldn't even take care of myself. I was sad, mad, downright pissed, felt sorry for myself, felt sorry for my daughter. And this was all at once, and then it went in phases. I drank and did a lot of drugs for a long time. I entertained suicide myself, but realized that someone needed to raise my daughter. I held a closed casket funeral because of the trauma that occured to his neck and head, so I never ID'd or saw his dead body. That was a problem all in it's own. I had a hard time accepting his death was real because I never witnessed it. I would wait for him around midnight, for a few months, for him to come through the door of my parents home from work. Around 2 am every night I'd usually give up hope he was going to come in, apologize for leaving, and we'd be a happy family again. I just waited for him... I understand wanting answers, too. I wanted to know if his hanging suffocated him or if his fall was long and hard enough to break his neck. I wanted to know what happened to a persons head and neck after such trama. I wanted to know exactly what he was wearing. I wanted to know how much alcohol he'd consumed prior. ( Jason was an alcoholic. His BAC was .17 upon death) I wanted to know things about his past he refused to speak of, like his first wife and the child they had together. There was no contact and lots of hard feelings. I wanted answers and wanted them RIGHT THEN... The coroner was able to provide me with his autopsy report which helped a lot, but I only recieved them about a year and a half ago, along with his suicide note. I met his first wife and now have full legal guardianship of the child they had together. I bought the home I currently live in 3 months after his death, and made a place for us. My daughter and I. I no longer drink (ok, not to self medicate, but tequila's still pretty damn good) and I no longer use drugs. I still think of Jason daily. I swear I do. It will never go away. But it gets easier with time. While numbness and shock are still weighing on you, it's not a reality that eventually time will pass, and you may never be the same, but you will establish a new normal. Your soul will heal, but you're going to have a large scar from this. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to cry. It's okay to talk to her at her graveside. It's okay to demand answers. It's okay to seek help from professionals. (I found a support group of other widow's and widowers was best for me.) It's all normal, even thought nothing else is normal right now for you. I'm sorry I wrote you a book, Brian, and I'm sorry it took so damned long to respond... I'm not here much anymore. I'm truely sorry for your loss of Debbie, and I understand exactly how you feel.

If you would like to talk, send me a PM. I'll talk for however long you need to.

Take care, Brian. I swear, it will be better, but not anytime soon.
I swear.