Only Over You...

[Sugar]

Hey all,

The birth order thread got me thinking about something. I have a two and a half year old daughter and have been wondering about having a second. My husband doesn't want another. "I want her to have everything," he says. But I wonder if she isn't going to miss out on something without a sibling. My husband also uses our wretched relationships with our respective siblings as further rationale.

You guys are a varied and interesting bunch so I figured I'd ask!

Only child? Parent of an only child? Kid-type professional? Just someone with an opinion? What are your feelings on only children?

[ShamHy89]

As a kid in a family of four kids, I'd say have as many as you darn well want. I think having siblings is sooo much better. I have cousins that are only children and they always want to play with us...they seem so lonely. I think kids need siblings, people they can relate with, fight with, and grow up through life with.
JMO though

Shamus

[DrummerDeanna]

Sometimes only children have interesting problems adjusting in school and society settings in which they are not the focus of all attention...I know this from my buddy who's an early childhood development major or something...AND my nephew is an only child...my sister says she doesn't want more kids...and yeah...he has a hard time..BUT he's a great kid!!! If you give the kid enough love and not make them think they're the center of the universe an only child will be fine...

[golden braid]

Well, I'm an only child and I wish that I did have a brother or sister to talk to, to understand how I feel about my parents, and to hang out with. Also, I think if my parents had another kid they wouldn't always be getting mad at just me. They would have someone else to pick on and maybe they'd realize I'm really not that difficult.

[jadegypsy]

hi, I'm rather new here, but since I am an only child I figured I should answer this one. As an only child I DO get just about anything, I am daddys little girl, and as he is so fond of pointing out The sun moon and stars do not revolve around me. I enjoy being an only child and I can say that I have always been treated as an equal in my family, I didn't always win but my opinions were asked, b/c of this I grew up at a very young age. I can honestly say I my parents are some of my best friends. I do wish I had had a sibling, mostly b/c I know when I have children they will never have an aunt or uncle But I have lived a unique life and would not trade my relationship with my parents for the world. They are the two ppl I took to see FM with me and they are the first ppl I turn to for advice, I can ask them ANYTHING!
As for social problems I was in day care so I did learn to share, my social problems (trouble making lots of friends, have some very good ones) have resulted from seeing too much to young and understanding life at too young of an age making me very weary of ppl and a bit insecure but this is circumstance not due to being an only child. My best bud is an only child and she is a social butterfly and an optomist to boot, so it's so varied on how things can turn out in life.

[Carlene]

I'm an "only" and I agree with what the others have said. It's nice to be the center of attention , but I do find that I get along easier with older people than with people my own age. And that has been a good thing and a bad thing. I'm rather shy socially, and only open up until I've known someone for awhile. Would a sibling have changed that? I don't know.

[Johnny Stew]

I'm a first-born, and my brother is four years (and nearly three months) younger than I am.

I pretty much always loved having a brother, though there were times we'd disagree and argue.
Especially when I was becoming a teenager, and he was still into toys and cartoons, and couldn't understand why I wanted to spend all my time in my room with the stereo blasting.
But that only lasted a few years.

I think the key is that my parents never treated us differently, or fostered any sense of rivalry.
There were *never* any comments of the "why can't you be like your brother" nature.

Even today we get along very well.
We're two COMPLETELY different personalities, and we have our disagreements... but we love each other, and respect each other very much.

So... I think your daughter might benefit greatly from having a sibling.
They say that when your child is around 2 or 3, that's the ideal time to have a second child... so the timing is definitely good.

And I think that if you let her be involved in the preparations for a "new arrival," and if you make sure she doesn't feel that she's being replaced, then there should be few problems.

[Sugar]

Just wanted to say thanks to all those who replied! You've all given me points to ponder. As Johnny said I still have time to try to sway my husband since my daughter is only 2 1/2. My sister and I are 4 years apart too!

But in the event that she does remain an only child I can only hope she does well like fellow only children Robin Williams, Al Pacino, Lauren Bacall, Alan Greenspan and FDR (as you can see, I've been doing some research!).

[TwoTricky]

My husband and I are proud parents of our 7 year old son. He is the light of our lives

The 'plan' was...I was going to spend the first 5 years teaching him and spending time with him and savoring every moment!! He was my first and I have waited a long time for him....I just wanted him to have 'my undivided attention'. As a result, he is VERY mature for his age...this summer he went from being 7 to 14 and I don't know how that happened

Once he went to Kindergarten, we thought we would work on our second...but to make a long story short...finances got in the way...and it's now 2 years later.

Usually, my husband and I are okay with the decision to just have one, but then every once in a while...something will happen...like if we go to amusement parks, my son has nobody to ride with...right now, we're 'too big' for the kiddie rides and he's 'too small' for the adult rides...he's kinda in between right now...I just got pictures back from a trip to Playland in Rye and I'm looking at pictures of my son on rides all by himself...though he's smiling in each and every one...I still feel bad.

And recently, my Grandfather became gravely ill. Luckily, he is making a complete recovery, but it was touch and go for a while. My mother (this is her father) and her brother (my uncle) were there for each other...to support each other and keep each other up when things were dark. And i've seen what they've gone through...making life or death decisions for my Grandpa...seeing him in such distress...they had each other...and I just fast forward to years and years (hopefully) down the road when my son would be in that situation. Would he be by himself? Would he have a wife to love him? Friends to support him? If nothing else, another sibling would be a 'friend for life.'

I know that's a drastic way to look at things...but that's what's been on my mind lately and now i'm re-thinking the "only child" situation. My friends little boy, who is almost 3 was here over the weekend and I watch my son and this little guy play and they had a ball and my son was really great with him. And that pulled my heart strings a little bit too

Ultimately, every has to make their own decisions. I know ALOT of only children grow up self-sufficient and successful and happy and well-adjusted...LOVE is the ONLY thing that matters...and as long as children are brought up in a good home and parents set a good example for children...there's no telling what they could accomplish...Cousins and children of close friends could help "our only children as well"

Best of luck to you and your wonderful family Sugar
And if there's anything else you want to talk about....look me up

Laurie

[Sugar]

Yeah, I know all about that "playing out the kid's entire future" thing thinking about how you're screwing your kid's life up! We were in a McDonald's playland yesterday and it's insanity! All these kids running around, and my daughter, who SO wanted to be there but was also SO overwhelmed by all the kids. I couldn't help but wonder if a sibling wouldn't have made it easier for her. She obviously craves the company of other kids. She's with a sitter (and around other kids) every afternoon, so I thinks that helps. I make an effort to not hawk over her all the time and make sure that she helps around the house so she has a sense of "community", and that it's not just her.

But then the other day she hands me her baby doll and runs off. So I'm sitting there with this "baby" and I think to myself, "OK this is my second child" kinda role-playing (now you all think I'm nuts! ) and I think "Holy crap, how nutty would our life be with and infant along with this crazy toddler!" My husband and I both work full time AND NEED TOO! Would a second child be too much? I live in a different world than my mother did...

Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, the whole "sibling to help share the burden" thing is a crapshoot. I have an older sister whom I almost never speak to. No animosity per se, we're just too different. She's never gotten herself together, has two kids, on welfare for the last 15 years, still hits my mother up for money when she can't pay the electric bill or her car insurance. I know I will never be able to count on her either emotionally, financially, or in any other way should there be any sort of tragedy. If there is a burden, it will be all mine.

God knows there are worse things in life than being an only child! So yes, I believe the Beatles were right: Love is all you need!

[Lala]

Hi,

I'm an only child of divorced parents, so according to statistics, I'm supposed to be pretty screwed up.

Well...I'm NOT.

I'm a relatively happy teenager who doesn't argue with siblings over things and gets pretty much what I want. Especially when I was younger and the baby in both sides of the family. Christmas rocked!

LOL.

There were probably some times when I was little where I wished for someone to play with. I'll admit that I wasn't very popular when I was little and I didn't have a lot of friends. But I came to the point in my life where I didn't care what people thought of me, and now people like me for who I am.

The reasons that I didn't fit in had nothing to do with the fact I was an only child. It was because I didn't like the things most people did (remember...my favorite bands are Fleetwood Mac, ABBA, Supertramp, and [my one saving grace] Our Lady Peace).

My parents raised me right (mostly my mom. I don't speak to my dad).

Just sharing my experience. I don't know if it will help or not. Good luck.

[CKFive]

They can be even more entertaining with more than one. And sometimes they will play off each other in ways that make you smile and more than sometimes shake your head.
I myself am three years younger than my sister. One of my earliest memories is sleeping in makeshift bunk in a Jersey shore rental. Our bed consisted of two armchairs pushed together. There was a raging thunderstorm going on and She and I clung to each other for dear life. Doesn't sound pleasant but when I'm most angry with my sister I remember things like that and when she would stand up for me.

[darklinensuit]

I'm three years older than my only sibling, a brother, though there were four years between us in school.

I've noticed in other families that the best combo seems to be a girl and then a boy a few years later. When it's a boy and then a girl, it seems the boy bullies a bit, no offense to anybody here who does not fit this model. This is just what I've seen, of course.

My father is a little over a year older than his younger brother.

My mom is the middle of three sisters. None of them talks to either of the others. Bad scene. My mom hated being the middle child, and swore that if her first two kids were the same gender she would never have a third.

If you go back to my grandparents' generation, of course the families were bigger.

- Jake

[GypsySorcerer]

I am an only child and I don't really like it. Yes, I have been given a lot, both in the way of material possessions and attention. But I would trade it for a sibling....in a heartbeat.

First of all, only children have reputations as being spoiled, etc. I took a lot of grief as a kid for being a "spoiled brat," even though I was extremely well-behaved and nice to other kids. It irritates me, because I know so many spoiled people who are not only children. And it's not all about possessions anyway -- being spoiled also has to do with wanting your way all the time, and I almost always defer to others wishes; yet, I'm still "spoiled."

I also worry that as my parents age, I will be left with no one. Because when my parents are gone....there goes my family.

As some others have mentioned, as an only child, you are a mini-adult, because most of the time, you are just with your parents. I have always gravitated toward older people. I feel more comfortable around them than I do people my own age.

I just always felt I was missing out on something as a kid. Everything was just me and my parents. We'd be seated at a restaurant at a table for four, and that empty fourth chair always bugged me. It sort of represented the hole in our family, in my mind.

So Ledgies....you have now been introduced to my only child soapbox.

[Patti]

I have kind of a unique situation in that my sister is 11 years older than me and she moved out when I was only 9, so in essence we were both only children.

When I was young, it truly was being like an only child because we were in such different places in life. I idolized her, but she was just another "grown up" in my world. I, too, always related better to older people than my peers. Of course now that I'm "old" that's changed. And my sister and I have finally reached the ages where the 11 year difference no longer matters and we are finally forging a close relationship. So as we head toward "old age" (not for many years, still ), we are going to be there for each other, which truly is priceless to me. For me, having her in my life is far preferable to being an only child, even if we didn't have common childhood experiences.

Sugar, good luck in whatever you decide to do!

Patti