Marriage/relationships

[sparky]

There are so many reasons that relationships and marriages are short term these days. I could write a thesis but will just go over what I consider to be the basics.

1. We live in a gimme it now society. Hard work is not valued as it once was. There is no patience. Attention spans are short. The culprits are technology, the media, and the way basic human nature interacts with both.

2. Most people under 40 were brought up in a culture where divorce was the norm. Divorce is not seen as a failure or the result of a bad decision. It's just one more event.

3. Relationships are not taken seriously. Because the concept of long term is not built in, they are seen as disposable. Everything is a test run. Nothing is for keeps. Thus, less emotional investment, thus more breakups. Vicious cycle.

4. There has been basic breakdown in traditional male/female roles and relationships, and there is no standard to take its place. I am not going to say that feminism is a bad thing, because I don't think it is. However, I think at it's extreme in the 70's it created a mindset that women don't need men AT ALL. And the result is a lot of people who are left to fend for themselves and decide what they are supposed to do. A decision most are not equipped to make. You have a lot of women raised to think like stereotypical men, and a lot of men who don't know what the hell to do. I am not saying that traditional roles were great, just that without any at all, people are left to their own devices. Those devices are sketchy at best.

Personally, I tend to agree with Amber, in that I am not sure that biologically and psychologically, humans are wired to be in one relationship forever. Which is why it is such a struggle. We like to think that we accept that it is hard work, but few do. We aren't taught conflict resolution and how to communicate and then wonder why we fight with our mates and can't make up. Monogamy doesn't seem to be a natural state for most people. And then we wonder why so many, mostly men, consider marriage to be a straitjacket.

In my own life, I am still not sure where I fit in all of this. I like to consider myself open to options. God knows, I am so happy on my own that I don't accept guys that are glaringly wrong. And I am so content, I don't know how hard I will ever look for a relationship again. It'll be an accident if it ever happens. So, my own cycle may make that decision for me.

[skcin]

^ What's cool is that you guys are so comfortable with yourselves and happy in your lives, you may not ever feel the need for a long term relationship that will last until you die. You're not saying "well, gettin' older, I'd better find someone (ie - anyone) to settle down with..." And thank God for that - why should you? You'd probably just end up a statistic for doing it for the wrong reasons.

[jannieC]

I'm not all pro-marriage (well, I'm pro-MY marriage, but I really don't care what other people do)) but I think when you bring children into the picture, it's pretty important to show your children that you are committed to their other parent.

[foxyluva]

I was just thinking about this thread, and I realsied I have not been in a relationship since I was 16 - almost 4 years ago and that was with a girl!

I need to get me a man

[DrummerDeanna]

I think a lot of people use kids as pawns in relationships.

Several years ago my nephew was in a high-end private pre-school. The women my sister met through there..SCARY and sad.

They all married into mega money and had at the minimum three children. Why? Well a couple of them told my sister that once there are three or more children the husband won't leave because the alimony/child support would break him - so it's cheaper for him to stay. Basically these women felt they had to do this in order to keep their wealthy husbands. Sick and sad.

As a result most (not all but most) of the kids were a mess and were mean and just not pleasant at all (much like their parents!)

[Mad4stevie]

Speaking as a former divorce and custody attorney . . . .

People usually get divorced in the first two years, or after 15 or so.

The main reasons?

1. Lack of effective communication (whether about finances, sex or the kids)
2. Addictions (alcohol, drugs, work, gambling, etc.)
3. Expected marriage to "fix" them or their partner's problems
4. Got married too young, before they knew who they were and what they needed to be happy
5. Wanted instant gratification - marriage = instant security; divorce = instant (supposedly) end to obligations to the other person

I heard the same thing over and over again from clients.

My personal opinion is that people do not appreciate the commitment that marriage is supposed to entail. My parents have been married 35 years. I want to get married only once, which is why I am still unmarried and why I called off my wedding six years ago (we would have ended up divorced for sure).

At the same time, I do not condone staying in a marriage that is abusive in any way. I think there is a fine line - with the emergence of "self-help" books, shows, etc. people are more aware that they don't have to take crap from someone else, and as a result, they become empowered. Feeling empowered can lead to good or bad (rash) choices. Sometimes it motivates to confront the problems that are present in the relationship, other times it could lead someone to just say "f-it, I am outta here" without trying to work through the issues in the relationship.

[sparky]

Originally Posted by skcin

^ What's cool is that you guys are so comfortable with yourselves and happy in your lives, you may not ever feel the need for a long term relationship that will last until you die. You're not saying "well, gettin' older, I'd better find someone (ie - anyone) to settle down with..." And thank God for that - why should you? You'd probably just end up a statistic for doing it for the wrong reasons.

There is that. And for that I am grateful. Of course there are nagging questions that rear up from time to time. Have you ever seen that cartoon t-shirt of the panicked weeping woman with the bubble above her head that says,"Oh my god ! I forgot to have children !" ?

I have often wondered if that won't be me, except it's a Sparky head saying "Oh my god ! I forgot to find a dude !"

On the flip side, if I ever do decide to make a committment, I am old enough now that I could likely die before I get really sick of someone.