JTIS My Emotional Baggage

[LikeAWillow]

Alright. We have the JTIS thread. We have TMI. I think there's a middle ground missing, though: RELATIONSHIP ISSUES. I was going to make my own thread tonight asking for advice about something going on in my life, but really, I'm not interesting enough for my own thread, and I think a place where we can all chime in and rant/rave/help each other is a much better addition to the forum.

So here's my ish--

I have a friend whom I've been harboring feelings towards for about six months now. Before I get into it, I'd really like to ask that anyone who can identify him from facebook/conversation/general connection making skills, please don't mention him by name on here. He's a pretty successful guy and the idea of any of this being tied to him is pretty gross. That said...

This whole thing started in October when I pursued him pretty actively. We had known each other for a little under a year before that, and we had always gotten along very well, but we aren't two people whom anyone would usually pair together as anything more than friends. He's a theoretical physicist and fits every stereotype you have in your mind about that. You guys know me. I'm not dumb, but I don't fit the typical nerd box, let alone epitomize nerd. He's brilliant, though, in a way that absolutely blows me away, and he's strong, funny, and one of the most decent people I've ever met. I liked him a lot then, and I wanted to get to know him better, so I came on strong and he took me up on it. We started a fling, and it was definitely a lot of fun while it lasted. Around December, though, he ended things for some reasons that were pretty hard to deal with. To put it at its absolute mildest, he doesn't do emotions well, but really there's about a canyon between saying that and the reality of it. I tried to handle it gracefully, but I couldn't. I had fallen for him pretty hard by that point and watching something good slip away for what didn't seem like a valid reason at all was really tough for me.

So naturally I went crazy. I drank too much, I caused scenes, I sank to levels of absolute insanity that I can't articulate here. The way I acted still literally causes me too much embarrassment to think about. Like I said, though, he's a decent man. He accepted my complete and utter lack of an apology (I'm assuming, in part, because he fairly thinks that some of my crazy was justified) when, after about a month of my bullsh*t, I showed up at his door wanting to hang out with our old group. And hang out with them I did. Just about every night for the next month while we were all on winter vacation. And for the most part, that month was good. We were walking on eggshells around each other, and if it was too cordial to actually be friendly, at least it wasn't rude.

Fast forward to February-Now. The walking on eggshells phase ended. I don't even know how. Now I see him every Thursday to Sunday and all we do is fight with each other. We used to jokingly argue because we're both stubborn and (me at times, him ALWAYS) fairly arrogant, and when it was joking, it was fun. But there are no jokes anymore. I act like a bitch, and I can't seem to help it, and he treats me as if my presence is the single greatest inconvenience in his life. Things escalated this weekend when a mutual friend of ours decided she was going to step in for every rude comment he made, and it came to a head when he was incredibly disrespectful to me at a party (yelling that I need to stop talking when I don't know what I'm talking about, among other things) in front of all of our friends. I felt terrible, everyone around us was uncomfortable, and for the first time, I truly felt like he really couldn't stand me.

And now I don't know what to do. We have the exact same friends group. We're living in the same house this summer. He won't have a conversation with me about any of this. I still care about him. I know the answer is probably distance myself, but I can't tell you how badly I don't want to do that. Like I said, I care about him, and I care about all of our mutual friends, and...ugh, this is where it gets even weirder....I've never met anyone who thinks about things the way that he does, and I don't want to lose the chance to have conversations with him. It's intellectual selfish and emotionally idiotic, but I can't help it.

I'll probably be seeing him this Thursday night, and if not Thursday for some reason, I'll definitely see him on Friday. I always start out trying to treat him well and like any other friend, but when he doesn't reciprocate that, I fall right back into the pattern of yelling and bitching and just being really unpleasant. I'm going to put in more effort than I ever have to hold back on all of that, though. I really just don't know what else to do. I just know I'm sick of feeling so miserable, and I wish we could sort this out and be friends.