30 facts about chuck norris

[tommer]

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

6. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

7. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

8. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

11. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

14. Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

15. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

16. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

17. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

18. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

19. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

20. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

21. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

22. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

23. Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

24. Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

25. Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”

26. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

27. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

28. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

29. At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

30. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

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