Panic Attacks

[Johnny Stew]

I've had panic and anxiety attacks since I was about 13 years old. I've talked a little bit here about some of the things I experienced in my teens, and that's when the "problem" began.

I'm over the stuff I went through, but the panic attacks remain.

I have pretty acute agoraphobic tendencies. I am able to leave my house... to go to work (I'm part-time), and to visit family (the ones who live in town here), and a little bit of shopping. I can also do outdoors things.
But if it's anywhere too far away, or if it involves going someplace for an extremely long period of time, then I can't do it.

I've had some pretty big bouts with depression, too. Which I hate, because, ironically enough, it's really not my nature to be down and pessimistic about things. But sometimes I'll get deeply depressed, just completely out of the blue. Which, of course, annoys me to no end. I'll tell myself, "you have no reason to be depressed, so get over it."
It works sometimes.

Insecurity and self-doubt can be pretty acute, too. Though I do my best to keep things in perspective at all times. It used to get to me very deeply if someone on the Ledge didn't like me, and, yeah, I'll admit it can still get to me somewhat nowadays, when I'm feeling vulnerable.
But mostly I just tell myself that it doesn't matter one bit what anyone thinks of me. I'm just living my life -- if someone doesn't like me, it's their thing.

I have to say that I have always been extremely reluctant to go on medication. I don't doubt that they work for many people, but I often feel like I'd rather live with and continue working around the problem I'm already used to, than creating a new set of problems (with the various side-effects).

Beyond that, I also have no health insurance. Of course, I'll admit that affords me a great excuse to not go to the doctor's... something which I DREAD. Gives me anxiety just thinking about it in general terms.

I have a really wonderful and understanding man in my life right now, and I want to be able to expand my horizons... for me, for him, for us... and I'm working on it.
But 20 years of this... i guess it's pretty hard-wired into me now, as Eclipse said. And, truthfully, I can't imagine life without the panic attacks. In fact, as strange as this may sound, the thought of not having them is scary in its own way... I guess because it's all I've known for so long now.