Dear Santa letters

[Livia]

This is my brand of holiday humor:


Dear Santa,
> I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
> I'd like for my
> mommy and daddy to get back
> together.
> Please see what you can do.
> Love,
> Teddy
>
> Dear Teddy,
> Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a
> screen door in a
> hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to
> come back to your
> frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time
> to give up that
> dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead.
> Santa
>
> ************************************
> Dear Santa,
> I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and
> I left carrots
> for your reindeer outside the back door.
> Love,
> Susan
>
> Dear Susan,
> Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer
> fart in my face
> when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a
> favor? Leave me a
> bottle of Scotch.
> Santa
>
>
> ************************************
> Dear Santa,
> What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are
> you busy making
> toys?
> Your Friend,
> Thomas
>
> Dear Thomas,
> All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in
> Vegas, where I
> spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.
> I unwind by
> drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of
> cocktail waitresses
> while losing money at the craps table.
> Hey! You wanted to know.
> Santa
>
>
> ************************************
> Dear Santa,
> Do you see us when were sleeping, do you really know
> when we're
> awake, like in the song?
> Love,
> Jessica
>
> Dear Jessica,
> Are you really that gullible? Good luck in what ever
> you do. I'm
> skipping your house.
> Santa
>
>
> ************************************
> Dear Santa,
> I really, really, really want a puppy this year.
> Please, please, please, Please PLEASE, PLEASE, could
> I have one?
> Timmy
>
> Timmy,
> That whiney begging **** may work with your folks,
> but that crap
> doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater
> again.
> Santa
>
>
> ************************************
> Dearest Santa,
> We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get
> into our home?
> Love,
> Marky
>
>
> Mark,
> First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why
> you're getting your
> ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a
> house, you live
> in a low-rent apartment complex.
> Third, I get inside your pad just like all the
> burglars do, through
> your bedroom window.
> Sweet Dreams,
> Santa