Humor about tonight's debate

[Patti]

I thought this was pretty funny:




Once tonight's “town hall” debate is out of the way, it'll be back to the lecterns for candidates Bush and Kerry. The third and final presidential debate is set for Wednesday in Tempe, Ariz. That leaves plenty of time to institute a few new rules.

Yes, the original “memorandum of understanding” ran to 32 pages, endless details meant to put the candidates in the best light. But, hey, what about the TV audience? We're the real “likely voters,” trying to sit still for 90 minutes and learn something important about these guys.

So here are the 10 additional rules the campaigns and networks should adopt, this time with us in mind.

1. Debaters may repeat a phrase twice. After that, they receive a small electric shock. If they stick to stock schlock, it's going to hurt them more than it hurts us.

2. Debaters are not allowed to compliment each other's spouses or children. Gratuitous niceness: high squirm factor.

3. A corner of the TV screen must display a “Hit-A-Nerve-O-Meter” to help us gauge the zing

ers. It monitors the debaters and immediately reports spikes in blood pressure and sweat production.

4. The moderator's question must stream across the bottom of the TV screen. Viewers need a reminder of the query debaters were supposed to be answering.

5. Debaters are prohibited from addressing the moderator by his or her first name. Nobody likes a suck-up.

6. Also banned: Switching subjects, going back to a previous question or stammering in the face of tough inquiries. Debaters are allowed just one “phone-a-friend” to campaign headquarters to find out what to say.

7. The debate must break for a half-time, during which debaters change into their usual weekend-type clothes. Everybody looks the same in a dark suit.

8. Debaters' wives must meet with each other and a fashion consultant before the debate to discuss attire. Two nearly identical white suits by Laura and Teresa: embarrassing.

9. Debaters are allowed to jot notes or doodle during the debate but must share their handiwork at a post-debate show-and-tell.

10. Finally, no note cards. What is this, high school? Also, no written notes on palms, between fingers or on cuffs.

To reach Edward M. Eveld, features reporter, call (816) 234-4442 or send e-mail to [email protected].