Newspaper Headlines in 2035

[Livia]

Ozone created by electric cars now killing
millions in the seventh largest country in the
world, California

White minorities still trying to have English
recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United
States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly
known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).

North Korea still closed off; physicists estimate
it will take at least ten more years before
radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can
now be imported legally, but President Chelsea
Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in
2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp
to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday
only.

35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to
weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining
conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals
violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven
inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers,
screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up
newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal
political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have
sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a
voting machine.