My mom passed away

[Jondalar]

My mom battled renal failure for almost solid year and we finally got her into a dialysis clinic near all her kids and she hit her head and died of a subdermal hemotoma at the age of 75. We were all there (7 kids) when she took her last breath.

Happened almost 3 weeks ago. I just started a brand new job and had to take bereavement 3 days into it and had to train for this job and suck it up. My mind is not on this job. Foreclosures of all things.

I feel adrift, like I don't know what to think or do. My dad only lived to be 59. His death was strange. He was trying to fill a water tanker in a cemetary so people could water their plants on memorial day and the leg buckled and crushed him in a cemetary. Mom was a rock. We fealt cheated by my dads death and thought mom would live a lot longer. She still worked at 75 and had no plans of retiring. She had minor illnesses but nothing major until about a year ago, when her kidney's decided to just quit working.

This weekend, we had to start cleaning out the house for an appraisal. I found tons of old things that she kept. Her kids were life. She saved my class ring, my varsity jacket, tons of stuff me and my siblings made and people were like take things you want. We found her bills and letters and I think starting to clean out of the house was worse than funeral.

I think nothing prepares you for the death of your mother. I think I could of left that house and walked off the planet. I sorta realized when I left that house that our family got the short end of the stick and that there was no god.

My mom had a will and insurance but she didn't have any of her papers in one spot and we had to search the house thourougly for all her papers and we are still discovering things. I realized this weeked why all her papers weren't together. She never planned on dying. She was planning to work well into her 90s. It's amazing to me that someone who had so much life and zeal died. I'm not way, so I never understood her completely.

I'm finding comffort right now in my booze. I'm having lots of trouble getting to sleep and and the only thing that helps is booze.

I just find surreal experience to be such a ****over. I an't really wrap my mind arouond it.

And no, I don't want help.