jokes and such

michelle2677 · #1 07-30-2006, 02:47 PM

do we have a "jokes" thread?? I couldn't find one. I just got this in an email and just about laughed my ass off so thought I'd share

I just wish once...JUST ONCE I had the oppurtunity to do this. and the balls.

I have a Golden Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you
feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

sara1998 · #2 07-30-2006, 04:17 PM

That's great! I'm laughing my ass off now! Thanks for the laugh.

sara1998 · #3 07-30-2006, 04:20 PM

Here's one for ya:

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not
all that experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked
under the sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring" he
says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pwomise you, I
give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will
impress
her.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure,
"I want try someting I heard about... numbaa 69"

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...
"You want... chicken wiff broccoli?!"

michelle2677 · #4 07-31-2006, 05:29 PM

cute

since we have the fun discussion about rednecks in the "white trash" thread-here's the redneck home security system:

MessageHOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH:
>
> 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
> boots.
>
> 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
> magazine and your NRA magazines.
>
> 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
>
> 4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
> Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an
> hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this
> morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but
> it was hard to tell from all the blood.
>
> Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
>

JazmenFlowers · #5 08-02-2006, 11:56 AM

this is hilarious!

The Princess of Denmark boarded a plane bound for her vacation destination. Once on the plane, the princess decided to read a few magazines. So, she lowered her tray and began to read. A steward came by and asked her to put up her tray as they were about to take off. The princess looked stunned and did not put her tray in the secure position.

“Ma’am, we are about to take off and I need you to put your tray up.”

The princess, still stunned, said, “I’m reading right now.”

“I will ask you one more time to put up your tray,” the steward said.

“Do you know who I am?” asked the princess.

“Um, no. Should I?” the steward responded, in a laughing manner.

“I’m the Princess of Denmark”

“Oh, you’re a princess? Well, I’m a queen so I outrank you…now put your tray up bitch.”

mikeschmike · #6 08-02-2006, 02:44 PM

Short and sweet:

A woman stopped by a grocery store to get a few things, and brought them to the check out. She placed one apple, one single serving of yogurt, and an individual frozen dinner on the conveyor belt. As the cashier was ringing up the woman's purchases, he glanced up at her and said:

"Excuse me ma'am, are you single?"

The woman was intrigued by the cashier's inquiry and in a breathy,flirty tone she replied:

"Why yes, yes I am. Why do you ask?"

The cashier's answer:

"Because you're ugly."

michelle2677 · #7 08-02-2006, 05:39 PM

^^

that so did not go where I thought it was going.

o.k. This is one that everytime I read it, I laugh my ass off too. It's kinda long, but def worth the read IMO.

also in honor of all those ledgies talking about counting calories and working out ...hee hee....

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted

> to get back into shape!

>

> Dear Diary,
For my sixty-fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although
I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try.

> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

>

> MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda
gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse
was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

>

> TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air! Then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding
smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life
for me.

>

> WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long
as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
in the morning and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life. She said some other **** too.

>

> THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I
sank.

>

> FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung
me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't
it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

>

>

> SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.

>

> SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my wife (the witch) will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root
canal or a vasectomy

sparky · #8 08-02-2006, 06:35 PM

Here is a perfect joke to tell in a group of guys. It works best for me when I am working with a guy who is little bit of a jerk and a gay baiter and a homophobe.

We are all standing around at work, shooting the ****, and the jerk in question walks up. He makes a snarky remark about something. I say, "Hey, Joe. Tell me something."

"Yeah, what?"

"So, if you were out with your buddies camping, you all got drunk as hell, and you woke up the next morning naked in the woods with a sore ass, would you tell anyone?"

Invariably Joe exclaims, "Hell, No !"

The response from me, or the entire group,
"Dude, wanna go camping?"

Oh, the humiliation and laughter that ensues !