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#1
09-15-2005, 10:37 AM
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Hair removal!
I know there was a thread about this somewhere but I'm too lazy to look. I was just sent this.... lmao....
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - Remember the epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had a thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out (YA THINK!?!). So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees (cold wax...yeah, right!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikin line, covering the right half and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Ok........wheeeewww Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Oh.......Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's NO hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! It was like hearing the slamming of a prison cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself. Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off! What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether-regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub! There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located. Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha? She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH RIGHT!!!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color...... 
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#2
09-15-2005, 10:47 AM
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  That is freakin hilarious!!!!!!!!!
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#3
09-15-2005, 10:58 AM
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Pip, I cannot even explain the laughter and lifting of spirits you just brought to me this morning. LOL! I'm so sorry, but that it one hell of a funny story, and bless you for sharing it!
Edit: I thought this had happened to you! I just went back and read it and realized it was sent to you. Oops! 
__________________
Claudia @ 
Last edited by CrystalVisions; 09-15-2005 at 11:01 AM.. Reason: realized this catastophe didn't happen to Pip!
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#4
09-15-2005, 11:20 AM
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#5
09-15-2005, 11:53 AM
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This is without a doubt the funniest thing I've read in a VERY long time! Oh my gosh! Could you imagine? Do you know where this originated? I think it should be published. Thanks for sharing it Pip.
Kelly 
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#6
09-15-2005, 12:06 PM
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Quote:
Pip
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#8
09-15-2005, 12:31 PM
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This was very funny. I wonder exactly where it *did* originate from. And if it's just a great piece of internet-fun-writing or if it really did happen in some degree or another. It has a ring of truth to it, for sure. We've all probably had at least one waxing or sugaring attempt!
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#11
09-15-2005, 12:40 PM
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#14
09-15-2005, 01:56 PM
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Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!
That's why I use a razor.
__________________
I go insane, like I always do.
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#15
09-15-2005, 02:03 PM
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OMG I am laughing so hard I am in tears! Although, really it is not funny.
 So why am I laughing hysterically at someone else's pain? Thanks Pip for sharing that great story! Although, I am still traumatized by bikerchics thread: http://ledge.fleetwoodmac.net/showthread.php?t=22006 I swear to God I will never even think about waxing after I have learned on this board.
__________________
There are two kinds of light--the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.
Last edited by reebokandlace; 09-15-2005 at 02:07 PM..
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